Painting Smiles
by noelswonderland
Summary: A flower never belonged in a place like this. That's why it withered and died. Even his hands, which were supposed to be so strong, could not save something so fragile. That's because... "You're a monster." He would never forget her words. Shizuo x OC
1. Broken Picture Frame

**Author's Note: **I haven't been able to get this idea out of my head so I just started writing and couldn't stop. This first chapter is more of a prologue to introduce you to the story, most of it takes place back during Shizuo's Raijin days. So the next chapter will be a flashback. There is good reason for Shizuo to act the way he does in this chapter. :) Hope you enjoy! And just as a forewarning, the rating to this story is likely to change to M in later chapters.

**Chapter 01 – Broken Picture Frames**

He takes a long drag on the cigarette resting in between his lips as he trudges up the stairs to his apartment. Once he reaches the top, he leisurely ambles down to his apartment door. Out of the corner of his eye he can see mail has been piled up at his doorstep. Shizuo kneels down to retrieve it and begins shuffling through the bills and the advertisements, eyes skimming over everything briefly as he rummages through the stack of mail.

With his other hand he fumbles for the key in his pocket. He is sure it is there somewhere, and yet as he digs his hand further into the depths of his pocket, he begins to wonder if it fell out earlier while he was walking. (Or more precisely when he was brandishing that stop sign, or when he was chucking that vending machine, or when he was swinging that parking meter around. Really, it could have slipped out of his pocket at any one of those moments.)

But then as the cool brass grazes his fingertips and he's finally able to grasp hold of it, he knows that he hasn't lost it. This is the same routine he goes through every day, after all. Nothing ever changes. In this boring, monotonous life where things are in between normal and abnormal, everything stays the same. And, he convinces himself, he's alright with that.

Unfortunately change comes when you least expect it, and just as he finally hears the familiar click of his door unlocking, tucks the key back into his pocket, and reaches for the knob, he sees it. While he is clumsily sorting through all of the junk mail, a blue envelope slips out and flutters the ground, landing right near his feet. Its coloring stands in stark contrast to the gray concrete.

At first Shizuo scratches his head. Perhaps he wonders whether or not he should bother to pick it up. If it's another bill, he doesn't have the money to pay it right now. If it's an advertisement, he's not interested. There is a chance that it is something else entirely, something that will change his monotonous life. He isn't sure he wants that either.

Before he can really decide whether or not it is worth the time to even be debating whether or not to pick it up, it is already in his hand. While cradling the rest of the junk mail in the nook of his arm, he gingerly slips his finger through the top of the envelop. The sound of the tearing paper makes his ears twitch.

As he pulls out the card within, he is mildly surprised to find it is a wedding invitation. "Wrong address?" he assumes, flipping the envelope over to double-check. Sure enough, his name is written on the front in perfectly legible cursive with his address scribbled in underneath.

His brows furrow. Surely, he thinks, if Celty and Shinra were getting married then they would have said something to him in person first. Since he doesn't have many friends, it seems a bit odd that he would receive an invitation out of nowhere.

The cigarette between his lips wriggles up and down as he grinds his teeth together. Finally he pulls it out and throws it to the ground, stamping it out with his foot as he flips the card open. Lazily, his eyes skim through the words engraved on the inside. His shoulders stiffen upon seeing a familiar name – _Rin Takemori._ An acrid taste suddenly rolls across his tongue as he crumples the card and envelope in his fist. The sudden rush of bitter memories leaves him feeling a bit sour.

He glances over the railing, looking out at the bustling streets of Ikebukuro as the sun fades into the distance. Light is growing scarce and darkness is descending. Shizuo approaches the ledge and lifts his fist, as though he is going to throw the crumpled paper in his hand down into the dumpster sitting just below. But he hesitates and slowly his eyes wander to his clenched hand.

Why can't he throw it away? He has spent enough time mulling over bad decisions he has made in his past. There is no point in looking back anymore. Even if his past tries to cling to him, he only has the future to look forward to. That is why he has to toss it, like an ordinary piece of junk mail, to just pretend he never saw it to begin with.

There is a voice tugging at the back of his mind, though. Shizuo has never been to a wedding before. It has been years since he last saw her. What is the point of throwing away such an opportunity? There are still wrongs that can be set right. Why squander a gift that has been dropped into his lap?

Thinking so much makes his head hurt. Suddenly he wants another cigarette. Shizuo breathes out a sigh as he shoves the crumpled card and envelope into his pocket. He will deal with the question of whether or not to throw it away later. For now an ice cold glass of milk, fresh from the refrigerator, is just what he needs.

So he ducks into his apartment with the stack of junk mail still cradled precariously in his arms. As he passes by the dining room table, he dumps all of the bills and advertisements on it and continues his way into the kitchen. He promptly opens the door of the fridge and plucks a fresh bottle of milk from one of the shelves. In his haste he nearly breaks the lid as he tries to twist it off. But that doesn't matter – the rush of cool liquid down his throat quenches his thirst and calms his nerves. Yet somehow it doesn't manage to fill the aching void in his chest.

Still carrying the now half-empty bottle in his hand, Shizuo traipses back over to his makeshift table (which he has broken and super glued several times already) and sits at one of the unevenly cushioned chairs. He slams the glass down against the table, which rocks and sways precariously. With both hands free, he tucks one into his pocket and pulls out the crinkled card. Shizuo flattens it out against the surface of the table.

The lettering of the card is gold. It has a picture of several hearts trimmed with lace on the front cover. He runs his fingers over it. How strange it feels to be looking at a wedding invitation. In his eventful life, filled regularly by his job as a bodyguard and his hobby of hunting down Izaya, it seems impossible that he can be involved in something so normal as a wedding. He has never imagined it.

Regarding the card wistfully, he opens it once more to glance at the inside. That name he recognizes catches his eye again, and like a glaring reminder it spells out his past mistakes when he notices an unfamiliar name beside Rin's. She is getting married to someone he doesn't even know.

Suddenly he digs his hand into his vest pocket and lifts out a pack of cigarettes. After giving it a small shake, he manages to produce one and quickly puts the butt to his lips. A short moment later and he has lit it up with his lighter, which he then gently lays on the table beside the card. The rush of nicotine calms him, and the smoke rises into the air in thin wisps that curl then eventually dissipate.

Everything is silent as he stares at the card with a bored expression. Whatever thoughts or emotions are going on through his head are not easily displayed on his face. He just remains motionless as he sits there. At least until he suddenly grabs the card with one hand and the lighter with his other.

Shizuo sets one edge aflame and starts to watch it burn. The reddish orange light intermingles on the decorated paper as it slowly licks at the grandiose embroidery. But as the fire starts to devour almost half of the card, he suddenly slaps it against the table and hurriedly puts out the flame with his hand. Hideous burn marks are left behind on his flesh, though Shizuo seems to disregard whatever pain he feels.

Throwing it away doesn't work, burning it doesn't work. What else is he supposed to do to get rid of it? He stares at the singed card, the large heart on the front half-gone now. Ash falls away and lands on his pant leg, but he doesn't even seem to notice. All he can do is sit there absentmindedly.

Then, out of nowhere, he hears his phone ringing. It is a welcome distraction from that card and he crawls out from his seat. He reaches for the phone hanging on the wall and places the receiver to his ear. "Hello?" he answers in a low voice.

"Brother," the response comes from the other end. The voice is easily recognizable; it's his little brother, Kasuka. "I finished filming. I'm coming over to visit."

"'Kay..." They don't have to exchange many words to understand each other. Perhaps this is the bond that siblings have. Shizuo feels a little better thinking that Kasuka is coming over to visit. It will help him forget that card and the bitter memories that it stirs up.

It is only about fifteen minutes later when Shizuo hears a knock on his door. He already knows who it is and so he opens the door without even a glance through the peephole. The familiar sight of his brother – despite being disguised in a hat and glasses – is relief to him.

Kasuka gives an acknowledging nod to his brother and Shizuo steps aside to let him in. The door closes with a soft click behind him and the two make their way into the poorly furnished living room. Despite being a star, Kasuka doesn't seem to mind the couch which has been patched several times by fabric that doesn't match the original, or the springs protruding from it, or even the missing cushion on the one side. He sits down without any complaint, disregarding how lopsided and uncomfortable it may feel.

He might ask the question, _"How have you been?" _But he doesn't need to, and he knows there is no point. Shizuo always knows what he wants to say without him having to say it. So Kasuka just looks at his older brother with that bland expression of his as he takes off the hat and sunglasses.

"Work has been going well," Shizuo assures sheepishly, scratching at the back of his head. And it has been going well, all things considered, because although he has caused substantial property damage and sent a few people to the hospital, he hasn't seen Izaya and he still has the same job he had six months ago. "How was filming?"

"Fine," Kasuka answers flatly. His eyes narrow slightly as he notices the burns on Shizuo's hand. He makes a brief motion toward them without saying anything.

The blonde-haired man's head jerks down as he glances at his palms. "Oh," he says suddenly, his voice downcast, "This is nothing." He lies unconvincingly but tries to change the subject. "I'll go get some milk."

Even though Shizuo is really happy to see his brother again, he doesn't feel like talking about the invitation he received. He wants to be distracted from it. He wants to pretend that it was never delivered to him. Those thoughts alone are enough to distract him from glancing at the half-burnt card still sitting idly on his table as he passes by it on his way to the kitchen. Unfortunately, it does not escape Kasuka, who follows closely after his older brother.

The dark-haired celebrity pauses for a moment and picks up the card. He pries it open and his eyes flit over the words as he trails into the kitchen. "A wedding invitation," he mumbles. "This is from your old high school teacher, isn't it?" Not that he really needs to ask, because he already knows that it is.

_**Crash!**_

Somehow one of the bottles slipped out of Shizuo's grasp and shattered against the tile. He stares at it for a moment, his reaction delayed, but he still seems calm. "Ah, yeah," he answers vaguely as he reaches for a couple of paper towels to clean up the milk that has splattered across the floor.

"You should go."

Shizuo stares blankly at his finger. He had felt a prick just a moment ago when he had started to pick up the glass. Apparently it had cut through the skin. Blood is starting to sputter out in small beads from the wound on his fingertip. His eyes are glued to it. He swallows the lump forming in the back of his throat. "Go to the wedding?" Shizuo asks dumbly, pretending as though he doesn't understand what his little brother is telling him. Maybe he doesn't want to understand. Suddenly he thinks he should have thrown that invitation away after all.

"Yeah," the younger brother answers back. He retrieves some napkins and hands them to Shizuo to help stanch the bleeding. Kasuka doesn't offer any reasons as to why he thinks Shizuo should go. Perhaps he does not need to.

"I'll get you another milk."

"I have to go soon."

Since it has been so long since the two of them have had a chance to talk or spend time together, it is a little disheartening to hear that Kasuka will be leaving soon. But it isn't unexpected. Shizuo gives an understanding nod. Being a celebrity keeps his brother pretty busy, and since it is a career Kasuka apparently enjoys, it makes Shizuo happy.

So after Shizuo cleans up the mess, the two of them spend a little longer together. It probably isn't even an hour but it is long enough. Such distance between them would cause a rift for normal brothers, but the bond between Shizuo and Kasuka is unusual in that the two don't have to speak many words or spend much time together in order to understand one another and be content.

And Kasuka's visits, however brief and sporadic, always act as a reprieve for Shizuo. Especially since most of his days are routinely tumultuous and filled with random, large appliances flying. (Sometimes people go flying too, but not every time. Sometimes they're smashed beneath aforementioned appliances like pancakes.)

As Shizuo sees his little brother to the door, Kasuka suddenly pauses and turns toward him. "Brother," he says somberly, looking more serious than normal with those glassy, slanted brown eyes of his. "Takemori-sensei said, 'Don't ever regret something that once made you happy.' You should go to that wedding... and smile."

"Rin said that...?" His eyes avert to the ground. Even if those are words that Rin spoke, Kasuka isn't aware of the other ones she spoke. Shizuo can still remember them as vividly as yesterday. There were tears in her eyes, her cheeks were flushed, there was a tremor in her voice. And she had said... _"You're a monster."_

Kasuka glances down at his older brother's hands, which have clenched into tight fists. "She also said not to judge a person by the last conversation you had with them but by all the conversations you ever had."

Those words are spoken out of concern to give reassurance, but somehow Shizuo does not want to hear them anymore. He reaches around his brother and grasps the brass knob, twisting it and prying the front door open. "You should put your sunglasses and hat on so people don't recognize you," he tells Kasuka in a brotherly tone. It's fake and they both know it. It is also out of character for Shizuo to be ushering his younger brother out of his apartment, but this is a situation where he just wants to be _alone_.

No more words need to be said. Kasuka does as his older brother advises and resumes his disguise before stepping out of the apartment and going on his way. He pauses for just a moment to look back at Shizuo. There is something resembling sympathy in his eyes, but to Shizuo it looks like pity.

He slams the door, confused as to how the brief visits from his brother that he always looks forward to has turned into what resembles a fight. He never fights with Kasuka. Frustrated, he traipses back into the kitchen where Kasuka had set the half-burnt, half-crumpled card onto the counter. This time he has resolved to tear it into shreds – and he starts to – there is a small tear that he has created before he can even blink... But he stops and stares at it, fixated.

Every time he looks at it, he hears that line replaying in his head. Again and again like a broken record. _"You're a monster!"... "...a monster!" …. "...monster!"_ Until he can't take it anymore and finally he trudges back through the dining room, and back toward his bedroom where he opens one of the drawers to the bedside table.

It is filled to the brim with junk. Random bills that he has paid or that are otherwise past due, newspaper clippings that he cut out because he suspected they had something to do with Izaya, and an old cell phone that Kasuka bought for him a while ago that he used once before accidentally breaking it. At the bottom of the drawer is a broken picture frame with an old photograph. He gingerly grabs it and pulls it out.

A picture from high school, a time that he doesn't want to remember. He is wearing his high school uniform and it is wrinkled with dirt splotches all over – and that red stain on his shirt is probably blood, but it definitely isn't his – he looks particularly pissed off. A slightly chubby woman at least five inches shorter than him is standing beside him with a cigarette in her hand – he remembers it being a habit he was just getting started on. In fact, he also remembers she was intent on trying to stop him and that is why she had taken it away from him. Her face, which always looked gentle, is set in a fierce glare and her lips are slightly parted. Those soft green eyes of hers are narrowed as she looks up at him. She is probably yelling at him. And as usual, Rin has that long mousy brown hair of hers tied back in a messy bun. Shizuo remembers liking it better when she let it down.

There is a crack in the middle of the glass. He doesn't want to remember how it got there. But he traces it with his finger, the one with a napkin still wrapped around it. The bleeding has already stopped but he doesn't bother to take it off.

_"Don't ever regret something that once made you happy."_

There is a phantom of a smile on his lips right now as he remembers those words and he gazes wistfully at this picture. Maybe – just a little bit – he wishes he could go back to that time and undo the mistakes he made.

But as he sits slouched on his bed with a wedding invitation in one hand and a picture in the other, he reminds himself that this broken frame is a remnant of the past and this half-burnt card is hope for the future. Even if it is only her hope and not his. It isn't like he can imagine himself ever getting married. Standing at the alter and watching a lovely bride walked down the aisle by her father, that is something he thinks he can never have. _That _kind of thing is normal, and Shizuo Heiwajima is _not_ normal.

So he lays the card against the picture frame and sets it at the bottom of the drawer and puts the junk back on top of it. He promises himself that he'll forget he ever received that invitation, just like he has promised himself that he will forget the time they spent together.

But just as he starts to leave, something crunches beneath the soles of his shoes. Slightly surprised by the sound, he jerks his head down as he lifts his foot out of the way. There is something on the floor that he can only barely distinguish through the darkness that has now settled in his room. It looks like a watch, lying face down. He reaches down and picks it up. The glass on the face of the clock has been cracked. It probably fell out of the drawer when he was rummaging through the junk.

He remembers this watch, just like he remembers that photograph. It is one of the few gifts someone has ever given him. A thank you gift, Rin had claimed at the time. He can still recall the blush on her face as she stuttered out those words. A watch so that he could be in class on time.

This time he hesitates when he opens the drawer again. He intends to throw the watch in and forget about it too, but somehow his hand closes in a fist around it and no matter how much he commands his fingers to let go, they won't do it. All day his body has been uncooperative and he is beginning to get a little frustrated. Or maybe he's been frustrated this whole time.

Breathing a sigh, he plops down onto his bed and sinks back against the mattress. His calm brown eyes stare up languidly at the ceiling. He raises his right arm over his face and tries to secure the watch around his wrist, but somehow the strap ends up breaking. In frustration he shoots upright and nearly throws it, but at the last moment he stops himself.

Cradling it in the palm of his hand, he stares at it. It is broken and yet he still can't throw it away. The phantoms of his past are still clinging to him and he can't shake them loose. And somehow, Shizuo thinks, maybe he doesn't want to. Those memories, however painful now, were once some of the happiest ones. He could never regret them.


	2. Chocolate Bars and Pink Walls

**Author's Note:** Psh, self helpless, no apologies needed, much love ;3 and thanks Nixxy, it's more than decent and I appreciate you reviewing - to answer your question, Rin Takemori is the OC in this story and the one paired with Shizuo. :) Everything will gradually make sense. The story itself is kind of slice of life, this chapter may be a little boring but it is to give some insight into Rin (the OC). Shizuo will show up more next chapter. :D Big thanks to my beta reader who fails terribly at pronouncing Heiwajima but knows grammar and spelling almost better than I do sometimes.

* * *

**Chapter 02 ; Chocolate Bars and Pink Walls**

"I said break it up, Heiwajima!"

Holding up his classmate by the scruff of their neck, Shizuo is about to send his fist flying forward. He is going to punch that antagonizing bastard who started the fight in the first place. Then all of a sudden he sees a few droplets of water flying in front of his face and a moment later he is drenched by the freezing cold liquid. It hits him like a thousand daggers and suddenly he doesn't feel angry anymore. "Cold," he chokes out breathlessly and in disbelief. But it does manage to shake him from his rage, and before he can even think, the little rat he'd strung up has already wriggled free.

"I gave you fair warning," the teacher responds tersely.

Not that warnings ever matter when he flies into a rage. In moments like those, all he can see is the person he wants to throw (or throw something at.) But now that he is as soaked as a drowned rat, that doesn't really matter. His teeth are chattering involuntarily as he glares over at the short woman that managed to throw the bucket of water over him. If she wasn't a woman, Shizuo probably would have punched her.

But she returns his glare with just as much potency, not at all intimidated by his superior size or the pissed off look on his face. "I didn't want to have to soak you like that but you weren't listening to me at all. Now look at you." Her face gradually softens and she reaches her hand toward his face. "Your lip is busted."

He swats her hand away briskly and turns away. "Leave me alone," Shizuo mutters. This isn't the first time she has tried to interfere in his problems and he knows it isn't going to be the last. She is _supposed_ to be the new art teacher and yet she somehow finds time to follow after him, trying to break up the fights he gets himself into. (Or rather other people force onto him, as the case may be.)

"You need to go the nurse's office. This isn't the first fight you've been in today, is it?"

His brow twitches. Unfortunately, she is right; this is actually the third and it is only lunch time. He still has half a day to go. She'll probably send him to detention again. "I'll go back to class," the blonde-haired school boy says voluntarily as he turns toward the rooftop door to leave.

She grabs hold of his arm to stop him. "Wait, you're all wet. You can't go back to the classroom like that."

Shizuo looks back at her with those eyes of his. Contrary to his appearance they are soft and brown as chocolate. (She knows this because she _loves_ chocolate, which she is often teased about since her affinity for sweets shows a little on her stomach. But although she is a little chubby, she isn't obese.) "It doesn't matter," he tells her as he shakes her arm loose.

While he stalks off, she is left behind feeling a little more than disgruntled. "He doesn't even call me sensei," she mutters disdainfully, "So disrespectful." Yet there's a small smile on her lips. "Oh well, high school kids are cute."

After a quick inhale of the fresh, crisp afternoon air, she heaves a sigh and reaches for the bucket she'd used to carry water all the way up those stairs and to the rooftop. Even if she has a little extra belly fat, her arms are pure muscles. Shizuo isn't the first student she has poured water on.

So with the bucket in one hand, she uses the other to open the door as she waddles – much like a duck because of the uneven weight distribution – back inside. Clambering down the stairs is easy, because although the bucket is large it's completely empty, which makes her feel a little guilty that Shizuo is now sitting in his classroom soaked to the bone. But it isn't as though she can help it; he always seems to want to get as far away from her as possible. That may or may not have something to do with the fact that she is always involving herself in his fights.

In fact, earlier she had intended to give him detention but somehow she had been distracted from it. Not that it matters if she gives Shizuo detention; he always skips out and the teachers never dole out consequences for him. The whole school seems rather lax on its delinquents. A problem she is determined to remedy.

But why is this short, stout little teacher with mousy brown hair, tied back in a messy bun, playing mediator for high school boys? It seems like a mystery. Especially when you consider how she acts in her "natural" environment.

After she drops off the bucket at the janitor's closet, she hurries down the hallway back to her classroom. Her students are probably already in there waiting. "Sorry I'm late," she tells them breathlessly when she enters.

"Chasing down delinquents again, Takemori-sensei?" One of the students asks with a quirked brow. He seems to be mocking her.

But she just smiles back at him warmly. "That's right, I want everyone here at Raijin to get along." Although she is about as intimidating as a mouse, she speaks with a voice full of authority that commands respect from others. Other teachers might use scare tactics, but Rin Takemori is a woman intent on keeping a mutual respect in her classroom.

"So what are we supposed to paint today?" Another student asks, this time a girl. Judging by the expression on her face, she is probably just about bored to death. Like her peers, she isn't really interested in art and probably can't draw to save her life. Her main motivation is probably to take the class because she thinks it will be easy to pass and get through. After all, she just has to draw and paint, right?

Wrong. Rin's eyes crinkle shut as she smiles at her students, all sitting in front of their easels (most are slumped over with a disinterested look on their face.) "Today you will be painting flowers." There is a collective groan that echoes through the classroom but she hushes them quickly. "You didn't let me finish. I want you to paint flowers in the rain. Paint a flower that you think is beautiful even on the dreariest of days."

Although they all seem reluctant to do anything that sounds like _work_, the students begin painting. The sound of a brush stroke against the canvas, and the soft _squish, squish_ of the paint is like a dream to Rin's ears. She closes her eyes for a moment to savor it. The smell, the sound – this is what makes painting her favorite form of art. Nothing is quite as calming and peaceful, she thinks.

The majority of the students probably disagree but, frankly, she doesn't really care about their opinions. Those that can't realize the true beauty of art are the ones that lack creativity, and while she _cares_ about all of her students, there are a select few she rather likes better when they keep their mouths shut. (Primarily because the crude things coming out of their mouths make her want to reach for the soap and water.)

While everyone works diligently (or lazily as the case may be) Rin makes her way around the room, peering over the shoulder of each student to gauge their progress. "Very good," she compliments to the ones that are at least putting in some effort. The ones who aren't putting any effort in? "Try harder," yeah, that's exactly what she tells them.

The open windows on the side of the classroom allow the sunlight to pour in. It feels warm in here, and although it's actually winter, the weather reminds her of spring. She smiles a little bit to herself as she stops to peer out the window, wondering whether Shizuo is actually sitting in his class or not. A small giggle escapes her lips as she imagines him, slumped forward in his desk, writing notes. Probably not, she thinks, more likely he would be the type to fall asleep in class.

But honestly, she doesn't know Shizuo Heiwajima very well. The two of them have known each other for a little over a week. Rin is actually just a temporary replacement for the usual art teacher who was sent to the hospital suddenly due to complications in her pregnancy. Still, Rin has made the classroom her own and everything just _feels_ right. Even if being a teacher – something that she has always wanted – doesn't last for long here at Raijin, she won't regret the time she has spent here and she knows it.

Before long the hour is almost up. The clock on the wall ticks away at the time until finally the bell rings. She can barely get a word in over the clamor of footsteps and scooting chairs as each student scuttles out the door. Even though there is a ten minute break period before the next class, she has to rush to get ready. That means taking down the current canvas boards and stacking them in the corner, then getting the empty canvas boards and putting them back onto the easels. It is a good thing she has strong arms.

"Fight! Look guys, there's a fight outside!" she hears just outside the open classroom doors before she can even get to work. Rin scrambles across the vinyl floor, her legs slightly constrained by the tight plaid skirt she's wearing. The click of her heels echoes through the hallway, drowned out by the sound of dozens of other footsteps. She finds a crowd of students horded around the windows and struggles to slip in between them to reach the front. Most of them are taller than her and it takes a moment for her to finally get a glimpse outside. Shizuo, she assumes immediately, but when she finally gets close enough to peer out the window, she sees it is someone else entirely. Two students she doesn't even recognize.

"Out of my way!" she bellows as she wriggles out of the group of students that seem to ignore her. Sometimes being short seems like a bit of a curse but eventually she's able to crawl out. There is _no_ dignity in a teacher having to _crawl_ out of a group of students, but she reminds herself that the more important part here is breaking up that fight outside.

Rin flies down the hallway, out of breath the whole way. And she curses that, although her arms may be strong, the rest of her body is admittedly _not_. Somewhere along all the twists and turns through the corridors, and as she is approaching the flight of stairs that leads down to the first story, she crashes into something large and hard.

"Oomph," she grunts out as she reels back and lands hard on her bottom. Although a little disoriented, she manages to look up at the _thing –_ person – that she crashed into. Unsurprisingly it is Shizuo Heiwajima himself. His brows are furrowed in a displeased expression, and his clothes are still clearly damp. It is actually a bit of a relief to see him. (Probably because if she can see him, that means he must not be off somewhere fighting.) "Sorry, Heiwajima, I wasn't watching where I was going. Would you mind helping me up?" She reaches her hand out toward him, fully expecting him to take it.

Those soft, calm eyes of his glance momentarily at her hand. Different emotions seem to flash across his face but the moment he blinks they are gone. He shrinks away from her as though touching her would be _unthinkable_ and turns on his heel to leave. His hands are shoved into the depths of his pockets as he stalks off wordlessly.

Rin isn't surprised that he doesn't want to help her up. After all, she is the one who poured water over him earlier. Even if it is to stop a fight, she can understand he won't be so forgiving. Most of the troublesome students don't like her, so it seems normal if Shizuo doesn't either.

So she lifts herself off the floor and dusts off her skirt before hurrying to the staircase. By the time she gets to the scene of the fight, it has already been broken up by another teacher. But Rin doesn't seem to mind that she spent so much time racing around the school to get there. In fact, as she trudges back up the stairs, she just thinks of the whole event as exercise. (The thing that normal people do sometimes to lose weight, but she avoids like the plague in favor of eating _more_.There isn't much fun in being alive if you can't eat delicious food, after all.)

When she gets back to the classroom her students are sitting in their seats chattering amongst themselves. They don't even seem to have noticed her absence. But this doesn't dishearten Rin, instead she takes the opportunity to yell at them before getting them to help her do the same work she had planned to do herself. Right now she is out of breath and her side hurts, so it takes some of the burden off of her to have the students help. Not that they don't openly voice their complaints but she silences them pretty quickly.

Before Rin knows it the school day is over and as the last bell rings, she finds herself breathing a sigh of relief. The students hurry out of the classroom before she can even get a word in, but this is the normal routine. She doesn't mind it. Rin would be more shocked if one of them volunteered to stay behind and help her.

She spends an hour in the classroom, cleaning up and arranging paperwork, the normal duties of a teacher. Once she is finished, she leaves with a book bag strung over her shoulder. (Students aren't the only ones who have to carry things back and forth to school!) It's fairly quiet in the school building as she wanders through the hallways, descends the staircases and eventually makes it to the parking lot.

Her car is easy to spot; it's the only old clunker with chipped paint and a missing side mirror. Someday when she is a real teacher, she thinks, she will get something _better_. The thought makes her smile as she reaches into her pocket for her keys. Rin unlocks her door and then crawls into her seat. Inside of the car, which is comfortable enough, it smells a little questionable – some colleague of hers vomited in the back some time ago and she has _never_ been able to get that stench out. She holds her nose and puts her seat belt on before starting the ignition.

Soon the car rolls back in the parking lot and chugs out and onto the streets, noisy as a marching band. Not that she can hear all the clunking of her car in motion; she has the stereo turned up loud enough to drown all that out. It's old rock music that she jams to on her way back and forth to work. And she _does_ jam to it, every time she stops at a stoplight and has a brief moment to do some quirky little dance of hers.

When she gets home, Rin doesn't have the time to take a break. Instead she is hovering about the kitchen and scrambling to put something together for dinner. He is going to be home soon, she reminds herself as she sets the table. Soon enough everything is neatly placed and while the food doesn't look gourmet, it does look edible.

**Thud.**

Right on time, she thinks as she hears the front door. "Welcome home," she chimes in a cheerful voice as she peers around the corner of the kitchen and into the entry way.

A dark-haired man in a suit is standing there, prying the shoes off of his feet. He nearly stumbles as he looks up at her suddenly. "Oh, you're home already, Rin-chan." There is a gentle smile on his lips as he gazes back at her with those gentle eyes of his.

"I have food ready at the table."

Once he slips on the slippers neatly placed at the front door, he allows himself to follow her to the table. They sit down together and he is the first to retrieve his chopsticks and dig in. Rin sits across from him, just staring over at his face in anticipation.

"How does it taste?" she asks him eagerly.

He swallows hard and looks up at her uneasily. "Y-you've gotten better."

The expression on her face quickly sours. "It tastes like crap doesn't it?" She reaches for her chopsticks and tries the fish fillet. It is bland and tasteless, even though the recipe had boasted an unforgettable flavor. Maybe she screwed it up somehow. She frowns. "Sorry, Akira, I messed up again. Cooking really isn't my thing..."

"You're improving," he offers with a subtle smile, as though it is some kind of consolation. "I'm sure you'll get better soon."

She slumps on the cushion she is sitting on and sighs. "That's not good enough... I don't want your mom to complain about it next time. I want her to like my cooking. I want her to like _me_." That last part is probably the most important. Rin has never cared about cooking; her passion is and always has been art.

Akira lays his chopsticks down and looks up at her. "I actually have a business trip I'm going to be going on for a week. Will you be okay here by yourself while I'm gone?"

"A week?" she echoes back as she pokes at the fish with the end of her chopsticks. Is this another form of 'beating a dead horse with a stick'? A grin tugs at the corner of her lips but it falls away just as quickly as it appears. "I'll be just fine here, don't worry. By the time you get back I'm sure I'll have perfected at least one recipe."

"That sounds more like you."

No it doesn't, she thinks grudgingly as she stares down at the fish on her plate. Rin doesn't have any confidence in cooking or ever getting better at it. She doesn't have any determination or courage. It feels a little disheartening that he doesn't know that. Akira, her husband-to-be, should know that. He is supposed to be her fiancee. Are they even in love? She does not know anymore, but she has also given up questioning it.

Suddenly she stands up. "Leave anything you don't want to eat," Rin tells him, "I'll clean it up after I finish some paperwork I brought home." Before he can say anything, even a simple 'okay,' she hurries back toward their bedroom.

There isn't actually any paperwork to do; she just spends her time back there doodling while he eats. He'll probably watch the television after that. It will be the perfect opportunity for them to spend time together and yet she feels disinclined. Lying here and drawing has more merit than spending time with her fiancee. She does a few doodles on some paper, eventually determines that she is unsatisfied with her drawings, crumples them up, and throws them to the ground until they build themselves into a small pile.

She stares at it and suddenly thinks that she would love to eat some chocolate. Even though Rin is trying to cut back on her intake of sweet, sugary stuff, she really kind of _wants_ the chocolate bar that she knows is sitting in the door of her fridge. Eventually a frown forms on her lips and she flops back against the pillows on the mattress. Dieting is a woman's natural enemy.

Rin lounges about her room for much of the night before wandering back out to the dining room. The dining room table, she finds, has been cleared off already by Akira. It seems like he has wrapped up the leftovers and put them up in the fridge. Not that there is much in the way of leftovers, anyways, apparently he ate most of it even though it was tasteless. These small acts, she forces herself to believe, mean that he loves her.

And while he is preoccupied watching television, Rin can't help breaking her diet to enjoy that little chocolate bar in the door of the fridge. Maybe it is true that she can't cook, and she doesn't care, as long as she can enjoy sweets. (Even if that makes her a bit of a glutton.)

When they go to bed that night she rethinks her belief about any existence of love between herself and Akira. Even though the two lay side-by-side, their backs are turned toward each other. They have both already brushed their teeth and dressed in pajamas, but it feels a little awkward. If they're _supposed_ to be in love and engaged, shouldn't he be trying to make a move on her? Her nostrils flare as she glares over at the wall, the hideous wall that is colored by a hideous shade of _pink._ (Pink? Imagine pink! Who in their right mind would paint any wall _pink?_ Akira had insisted when they moved in that the color didn't bother him. It still bothers her.)

Grudgingly, she closes her eyes. As angry as she tries to pretend she is about him not giving her much attention or showing her much affection, it really just boils down to her insecurities and she knows it. She can't help but silently wonder if he doesn't want to touch her because she has gained a few extra pounds since they started dating. Questions raced through her mind like – _Does he find me disgusting? Does he think I'm unattractive? Would he like me better if I lost some weight?_

All these questions fizzle away as she eventually drifts off into a dreamless sleep. In her sleep she tosses and turns – and inadvertently punches Akira in the face a few times – while drooling on her pillow. In the morning she wakes with the sheet of her pillow glued to the side of her face, the drool acting as adhesive. Slightly disgusted and silently hoping that Akira has already left and doesn't notice, she peels it off.

The alarm clock is ringing noisily in the distance – on her dresser – and that's probably the culprit that robbed her sleep. But, she reminds herself, it is Thursday and Thursday is a school day. So reluctantly Rin stretches her legs and her arms as she lifts herself off the mattress.

Her morning routine begins as she wanders into the bathroom. First she fixes herself a small, quick breakfast that is just as tasteless as the dinner she had the night before. Then she irons out her outfit for the day before jumping into the shower. When she steps out, she brushes her teeth and runs the brush through her hair. Then it's clothes on, bag on, out the door with the keys in hand.

Rin's car chugs into the chaos of the morning traffic as she begins her commute, which is fortunately only fifteen minutes. She makes good use of her horn along the way – crazy kamikaze drivers that shouldn't be allowed on the road! Obscenities are muttered under her breath. Considering she has nearly crashed five times before she even makes it to school, she can already figure out that this is _not_ going to be a good day.

And she's right because the first thing she sees when she steps in through the school gates is that Shizuo Heiwajima has just sent a flock of students flying through the air with a stop sign. (She isn't even going to question _where_ that stop sign came from because she probably doesn't want to know.)

But she does march right up to him, fearlessly past the few other teachers that are standing back and fidgeting nervously as if they can't work up the nerve to do the same, and stares right up at him. "Heiwajima!" the way she hollers so loudly would naturally get anyone's attention.

His eye seems to twitch as his murderous glare turns to her. The anger seems to ebb away as he slowly lowers the sign upon recognizing her. "Takemori...sensei," he adds the honorific hastily at the end.

"I told you no fighting at school," she chides.

The blonde-haired man has his eyes averted to – somewhere else, she's not sure where. He doesn't seem to be listening or if he is he gives no indication of it. Since she won't let him get a word in, he doesn't bother trying to tell her that _they_ were the ones that tried to start a fight with him. He probably thinks she doesn't care.

Suddenly she jabs a finger right into his face, "I want you in detention today. This time don't skip. The same for the rest of you!" Those fiercely glaring emerald green eyes of hers turn toward the dozens slumped over on the ground, defeated by Shizuo. "Quit antagonizing Heiwajima. I'll bet you were the ones who started it! I expect every last one of you to be in detention today and don't think I won't check."

Then Rin marches off, hugging her book bag to her chest tightly. The way she walks with her head held high and her shoulders back conveys a sense of confidence that the other teachers seem to silently admire, even if it really is a lie. Somehow she can handle teenagers and children as a teacher but she can't handle her own personal problems. She smiles wryly at the irony.

There's no time to dwell on her personal weaknesses, the first bell has already rung. So she clambers up the same stairs she always does while fighting with the horde of students clamoring to do the same. Caught up in the chaos, she's thrown around until at last she makes it to the top and scurries to the art room.

On her way there, she thanks herself for preparing the classroom the night before. All of the easels and painting supplies are ready for the students. So she won't be scrambling now, which is especially good because she has just reached the door to her room right as the second bell rings.

When she enters, a smile fully present on her lips and her eyes crinkled shut, she doesn't notice it at first. Until all of the whispers passing about the classroom catch her attention, "Who do you think would have done that...?" Rin opens her eyes. Her jaw drops along with the bag she is holding.

The students aren't sitting at their chairs because most of them have been turned upside down – a few are broken – and the easels have been toppled over as well. Someone has taken a knife to the canvases and ruined all of them. All the effort the students had put into their art the day before has been ruined. Yet even though the classroom has been vandalized, that seems to be the least of her concerns. Written on the chalkboard is the word "LEAVE" all in capital letters.

Eventually she breaks herself out of her petrified state and stoops down to collect her bag. She hauls it over to her desk and then approaches the chalkboard with steely resolve. Her eyes are set into a fierce glare, because although she may be short and she may be chubby – heck, she may even be _ugly_ to some people – but... "I am not going to leave!" The sound of her words resounds throughout the classroom as she reaches for the eraser and clears away the crudely written letters on the chalkboard.


	3. Unhealthy Assumptions

**Author's Note:** The first week of school SUCKED! Well at least Fridays are short. Sorry for any mistakes grammatically/spelling-wise because my second beta tester has not gone over this but I wanted to go ahead and get it out. I will have her read over it and will update the chapter to a revised version later today. Shouldn't make your eyes bleed in the meantime though. :) Thanks amourdesoi (like the new username!) more reviews would be nice but I think I tend to make oddball stories that may not be interesting to some people. D; Well, at least I have fun with my own brand of crazy!

**Chapter 03 ; Unhealthy Assumptions**

"Eggs? You have to add eggs to this? I don't remember seeing that a moment ago..." And she can swear by it too, because she knows she _studied_ the recipe before she even entered the kitchen to fix it. Not that it is really her kitchen. It is the home economics room that she has borrowed while the cooking club is gone. (It is a Thursday, after school, who wants to worry about club activities when it is almost the weekend?)

Well, one person would be Rin, who has nothing better to do than work on her lack of culinary skills. But she is not alone in the school, technically, because she sent over a dozen students to detention today. Suddenly it is not a mystery why some kids want her to leave. It's not that she is trying to be a nosy teacher but she does want to try to reform the delinquents and for good reason.

Not that she has time right now to think of the reasons because something sounds (smells) like it is exploding in the oven and she is pretty sure food is not meant to explode. "Oh no, no, no!" she wails as she fans the smoke away from her face. Grabbing the oven mitt and securing it over her hand, she reaches in and hastily pulls the burning pan out. That thing she is (was) baking – it is supposed to resemble a pie – looks like disfigured charcoal. She doesn't even know how charcoal can look disfigured.

Laying the pan against the table, she slumps her shoulders and sighs. Cooking is not something she is talented at and not something she particularly has the patience for. "Maybe it's edible," she says, trying to reassure herself.

She grabs a fork and pokes at the middle of the pie. (It's called the filling, isn't it? Frankly, she doesn't even know cooking terminology.) It is definitely seared to a crisp and no matter how many times she stabs at it, it feels hard as a brick. This pie could be a lethal weapon if thrown at someone.

"What time is it?" she wonders aloud as she glances at the clock on the wall. It's already beginning to get dark out. She can see the sun ducking behind the horizon. It is probably time for her to toss her failed creations and return home. Maybe she can grab a bite to eat on the way. Stopping by a store and grabbing a bag full of candy maybe... Or ramen – she especially loves ramen.

While drooling to the thought of delicious food, she finishes cleaning up the classroom and the utensils she has used before she leaves. The sound of her footsteps echoes down the empty corridors. Shadows play on the ground as she moves past windows and eventually through the front doors. Everything is quiet, perhaps eerily so, but since Rin has no fear of the dark or of deserted places, she doesn't pay it any mind.

The parking lot looks pretty empty as she approaches it. At least it does at first; once she gets closer she can make out a shadowy silhouette. The glare of the sun fading beyond the horizon is blinding enough that she can't really discern any specific features of the person, beyond the fact that they're tall and statuesque.

A thousand possibilities roll through her mind. Is someone vandalizing her car? Is it someone waiting to mug her? Oh how she hopes it isn't some kind of sick pervert that has a penchant for old, half-broken down vehicles or something. (Why can't Rin ever think optimistically? It's not _impossible_ for it to be someone else, albeit highly unlikely.)

So while her mind frightens her with cruel assumptions, she puts on the mask she always wears when it comes to dealing with scary situations. She lifts her head an inch higher, rolls her shoulders back, and stomps over there like she's a bullfighter walking into the ring.

"Hey, you!" Rin bellows at the person standing there with her face scrunched up in what is supposed to be a menacing look that more or less makes her look awkward instead. She marches right up to him and now that she is close enough, she understands why the person seems so fixated on her car.

There are slash marks across the hood and the doors, one of the windows has been shattered, and upon closer observation she notices that her tires have also been slashed. Initially she suspects that this person loitering here in the parking lot has to be the culprit and she turns her steely gaze toward him.

"Heiwajima?" she squeaks out in surprise upon noticing the bleached blonde hair and chocolate brown eyes.

He slowly cranes his neck to look back at her. There is a line of perspiration above his brow as though he's a little bit nervous. His lips twitch as though there is something he wants to say. Maybe he is about to explain the situation or deny any implications in it, but he never actually speaks. In the seconds that fly by his silence seems to make an assumption of guilt imminent.

Rin breathes a throaty sigh. "Did you just get out of detention?"

Shizuo averts his eyes, "Yeah..."

"Did you get a look at who did this?" she asks as she looks up at him. Those green eyes of hers, gentle as they may be, look fierce when they are narrowed. It probably sounds like a trick question to him.

But the blonde-haired man doesn't bother trying to figure which answer would be the right one to say at this point. He probably acknowledges that he looks like the guilty party. "No," he mumbles back after little more than millisecond to debate his response. His hands are shoved into the depths of his pockets.

The expression on Rin's face softens as she gives a small nod. "I knew this was going to be a crappy day from the moment I got up. You don't happen to have any chocolate or sweets, do you, Heiwajima?"

At first he seems a little taken aback by her question. His brows furrow as he slowly shakes his head. "No, I don't."

Those answers of his are always short, concise and straight to the point. It is this kind of honesty that comes directly from the heart that she likes the most, not like the people who must contemplate every word that passes through their lips. She smiles to herself. "Are you hungry?"

Right as he begins to open his mouth, his stomach begins rumbling and answers the question for him. The sound is so loud, in fact, that it seems to echo through the empty parking lot. Shizuo's cheeks flush slightly as he gives a jerky nod, "Yeah..."

She lets out a hearty chuckle as she turns away from the car. "Me too, I'm absolutely famished. Let's go get something to eat."

His brows furrow in confusion as he watches her start to walk off. "Takemori-sensei," he calls after her, causing her to stop suddenly. When she gazes over her shoulder questioningly back at him, he continues. "You're not mad?"

The question makes her pause. Is she mad? "Not at you," she tells him, "But I am absolutely, one-hundred percent livid with the person who did that to my car." Then, for added effect, she shakes her fist in the air. "So if I find them I'm definitely going to give them the lecture of their life!"

"You don't think it's me," he surmises.

Sheepishly, she grins at him. "Sorry to say this, Heiwajima, but if it was you, then my car wouldn't even be in the parking lot anymore. Considering how strong you are, you could pick it up and run off with it if you wanted to."

Shizuo isn't entirely sure about that because, while he has chucked appliances at people before, he has never tried carrying a car around. But Rin still has a good point and he can see how she could logically rule him out. He still seems a bit mystified that, despite the compromising position he was in, she didn't accuse him of being involved. (Granted, most teachers avoid accusations with him but only because they're afraid of him.)

"Are you coming?"

When he looks up at her, she's standing there looking at him expectantly. He hesitates for a moment. This teacher that he is constantly getting in trouble with is now inviting him out to eat with her? Somehow this seems like a bad idea and his first thought is to refuse and go home, but there is this nagging voice in the back of his head telling him that it isn't like she is going to _bite _him if he tags along. So before he can even say yes or no, his legs are moving and suddenly he's walking right beside her.

While the two walk together down the sidewalk, he finds his gaze wandering over toward her. With every movement, loose flyaway strands that have come loose from the bun on the back of her head seem to bounce around her face. There is a ghost of a smile on her lips and those eyes of hers – green as the blades of grass on a warm sunny day – seem so intently focused forward.

There are questions swirling in his head as they walk together. One of them: what is he even _doing_ here? His normal routine is to go home, encountering several fights along the way that he ultimately wins, to drink a few glasses of milk and then go to bed. In the morning the whole routine starts over. This whole hanging out with a teacher thing seems a little strange but he also feels a little bad for her that someone destroyed her car.

"Don't give me that pitiful look," her voice cuts in through his thoughts.

Slightly surprised by the remark, his head jerks. Apparently she has noticed that he's been staring at her. Shizuo swallows and turns his gaze elsewhere. They are walking down the street together, a moderate distance between them, and it takes some effort on his part to match her pace. Since he knows that her legs are shorter and he doesn't want to force her to jog to keep up with him, he has to walk almost awkwardly slow.

They look like an odd pair together, but in the streets of Ikebukuro the only one earning a few derisive glares is Shizuo. Although not particularly well-known through the town, he is acquainted with quite a few people. (Mostly those that have been around to see him chucking appliances at his fellow schoolmates.)

"People sure do pick fights with you a lot."

He chances a glance over at her. She still isn't look over at him. "Yeah..."

Suddenly the sound of her footsteps cuts off and Shizuo screeches to a halt just a short distance in front of her. When he peers back to see what it is that Rin has stopped for, he notices that she's staring into the storefront of a bakery.

"Donuts," she gasps out with both palms spread across the glass and her face planted against it. A little bit of drool is seeping out the side of her mouth as she eyes the baked good with the expression of a starved animal.

Shizuo scratches the back of his head. "Get them if you want them."

Rin looks at him incredulously. "What?" she snarls out, as though she's about to bite his head off for that statement.

Not understanding how what he's said has managed to offend her, Shizuo gives a small shrug. "If you want the donuts then you should get them." It's simple logic and while he doesn't have a great deal of common sense, this seems pretty easy to figure out.

She lets out a wistful sigh as she backs away from the delicious displays sitting behind the glass storefront. "You wouldn't understand, Heiwajima, but it isn't that simple. Sometimes there are things you want but you just can't have them."

It might surprise her to know that, actually, he _does_ understand. He wants to be left alone by his peers at school and yet they pick fights with him anyway. Not that he has ever really tried to explain this people. People don't ask.

But then Rin does. "You don't actually like fighting... Do you, Heiwajima?" She looks at him inquisitively with her brows raised as she waits for his answer.

It feels a little weird to be having a conversation with her. Shizuo wonders why she is asking him this question, the one that no one else bothers to. It is almost as though she is curious about him. She certainly isn't the first if that's the case, but most of the time he finds any incessant questions that people see fit to ask annoying. "I hate violence." That statement alone, he figures, is enough.

"Then we have something in common." Rin tilts her head back and seems pensive as she starts walking again. Shizuo follows after her hesitantly, resuming the sluggish pace he is forced to use to stay beside her.

They don't seem to be talking much and he wonders where it is that they are heading. She said they were going out to eat, didn't she? But it's starting to get dark out and it more or less seems like they are just wandering aimlessly. At least until they arrive at a ramen stand. It is unsurprisingly filled up and there are only two seats remaining, one of which Rin jumps to occupy. She quickly motions for Shizuo to follow after her.

By now he has given up questioning himself about what he is doing and hastily plops himself down on the stool. Eventually he manages to place his order, still wondering whether or not she is going to be paying for it or if he is. At the thought Shizuo tucks his hand into his pocket and produces two one-hundred yen coins and a fifty-yen one.

Rin must notice him eyeing the small amount of money in his palm because she bumps his arm with her elbow. When he peers over at her she offers him a smile. "I was the one who asked you to come eat with me, so if you are worried about paying for it then don't be."

"Why are you..." he starts to ask but is cut off.

"Because I have no friends, because I'm lonely, because I'm depressed that my car was vandalized, because I feel guilty for sending you to detention all the time, because I feel bad about the other day-"

"I get it," Shizuo interrupts, silently annoyed at her rambling nature.

Rin lets out a guttural laugh. "That was an honest confession actually. It must be pretty awkward to see a teacher like this. Adults are supposed to be respectable, right? Sometimes I feel a little pathetic." Suddenly she looks a little downcast as she stares down at her lap.

This is the part where he should say some comforting words, he thinks, because that's probably what a normal person would do. Unfortunately Shizuo doesn't have much experience in that arena, so he isn't sure what to say. Not that it matters – he misses the opportunity the moment the filled, steaming bowls of ramen are set down in front of them.

The aroma dances around his nose and his rumbling stomach can't be held off any longer. He reaches for the chopsticks and starts digging in. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices that Rin is doing the same. Except... in a much less dignifying way than he would expect for a woman. There is juice flying across the counter as she slurps, briefly chews, and then struggles to swallow as she literally inhales the ramen. Now, to be fair, he has never actually _eaten_ with a woman before, so he can't be positive, but he is pretty sure that this is not how most women eat.

She must notice him staring because she pauses in the middle of her noodle-devouring endeavor and turns to him. There is juice dripping down her chin but Rin doesn't seem to notice. "Is something wrong?" Apparently she also doesn't notice her poor table manners.

Shizuo isn't one to complain. So he just shakes his head and turns to his own food and slows starts eating. Before he is even halfway finished, Rin is already ordering another bowl. The other customers that were sitting nearby have already left. The two of them eat in utter silence, but it is a comfortable quiet and not at all awkward. It feels natural to sit side-by-side with the air unburdened by words. He has only experienced this same sort of atmosphere and relationship with his younger brother.

Once they finish, Rin lets loose a small burp and belatedly notices Shizuo giving her an odd look. "Oh, right! Excuse me..." Her cheeks are rosy and he isn't sure if it's from the cold or if she is embarrassed. It takes her a moment to recover but soon enough she has that subtle smile on her face again. "It's about time for the two of us to head home, probably past time. It's almost pitch dark out now."

After she pays the man behind the counter, the two of them slip off their chairs and wander back to the sidewalk where she pauses to turn to Shizuo. "I hope you don't live too far away," she says worriedly, "I would have driven you home but... Well, you know the state of my car. It kind of isn't possible."

"I'll be fine."

Rin doesn't seem to be convinced. "I could call a taxi."

"You should do that for yourself." Not that he is particularly trying to be kind, but he already feels bad enough for letting her treat him to a meal.

Once again she is looking at him incredulously. "Call a taxi for myself?" She quickly raises both arms in an x-mark. "Not a chance! I pride myself on my frugality, Heiwajima. There is no way I'm going to waste money when my legs are perfectly good enough for walking." Although, she reminds herself, _walking_ home will take an hour.

It feels a little odd to leave things like this and just leave, but Shizuo isn't really sure what else he can do. He doesn't have the money to pay for taxi fare for her and has no idea how far away she lives. So he naturally takes her word for it and gives a backward wave as he starts to walk off. "See you tomorrow, Takemori-sensei."

"Make sure you get yourself home safe, Heiwajima," she calls back to him. Rin watches his receding figure for a little while before she begins the trek home herself. (Which proves to be long, tiresome, and once she _does_ eventually get home she collapses on her bed and doesn't move again until morning. At which point she decides that, frugal or not, walking is never a good idea.)

So when it is time to head back to school for her last day before the weekend is over, Rin decides that a taxi doesn't look so bad after all. It doesn't smell like puke, there is no clunking noise as it barrels down the roads at top speed (because she is telling the driver to _step on it_, she is late after all) and while it doesn't have awesome music that she can jam to, she thinks she can live with it.

The price isn't outrageous although as she runs out of the vehicle, book bag in hand, she hears the driver yelling after her that the tip isn't enough. For that she feels a little guilty, but _she_ needs to put food on the table too, mister!

As she runs through the courtyard up to the front entrance, Rin is mildly surprised that while there are still students lingering out here and taking their sweet time to make it to their classrooms before the bell, there are no fights. This makes her smile to herself, though she can't help but wonder what Shizuo must be up to if he isn't kicking the crap out of someone.

Her first thought is that he must be sick, but then she tries to correct herself; it is too pessimistic to think that the only reason Shizuo Heiwajima isn't in a fight is because he is down with the flu. Better to hope that he has reformed his ways. (Okay, now she is positively delusional and she knows it.)

After she ascends a flight of stairs and ambles down a few hallways, she finally arrives at her classroom, mildly surprised to see someone waiting there for her. It is none other than the bleach blonde-haired delinquent himself. She is also trying to mentally correct herself from calling him a delinquent but so far it isn't working.

"Heiwajima," she greets with a friendly wave and smile as she trudges up to him. Since she had to walk all the way home, her muscles are just a wee bit stiff and so she walks – or more waddles – a little bit like a duck.

He glances over at her leisurely, his chocolate brown eyes half-lidded. It doesn't look like he has had much sleep, for whatever reason. "About yesterday," he starts, seeming to have something on his mind.

Rin tilts her head to the side with a look of concern. "What about yesterday?"

Suddenly he stops to rub the back of his neck. "Shinra said I should have walked you home. Since you are a girl and it's dangerous."

For a moment she stares at him, and she knows it's inappropriate because he's absolutely dead serious – but she can't help it when she busts out into laughter. "Ahaha!" Habitually she slaps her leg, which puts an abrupt end to the mirthful expression on her face because the pain shooting through her thigh is enough to make a grown man cry.

"You're laughing at me," he observes with an annoyed look.

Well it isn't as though she can deny that. "You are unexpectedly cute, that's all, Heiwajima."

This time he is looking at her like a deer in the headlights. "Cute?" he gasps out in disbelief as though he can't even fathom the word. His eyes are wide as saucers as he stares at her and eventually manages to clench his trembling jaw. He's probably thinking that she's a little weird – especially for a teacher.

"By the way, I didn't ask yesterday, but why _did_ you go to detention? Every single time before you have skipped out." And she knows because she has gone to check before.

While she expects a concrete answer, one supported by some sense of logic, all Rin gets is a halfhearted shrug from Shizuo. But eventually he does come up with some explanation, "You knew." Alright, not much of an explanation but an improvement nonetheless.

"I knew what?"

"That I wasn't the one who started it."

"I've known every time," she responds with a grin. "You just assumed I didn't and thought I was some ordinary, condescending, uppity teacher just trying to jump down your throat for no reason. Is that about right?"

The guilt shows on Shizuo's face but he remains as honest as ever, giving her a small nod.

His response isn't entirely unexpected and while Rin breathes a small sigh, she can't feel frustrated at all. This is the kind of stereotype she is used to dealing with from other delinquents. "You know, Heiwajima, everyone has a reason for their actions. That is what I believe. So even the coldest, cruelest, most calculative things that people do may have solid logic behind them – or feelings, often times emotions drive people. That's why, even if you don't understand why someone is doing something, you can't judge them – you shouldn't judge them. Not until you can put your very best effort forward to try to understand."

This positively baffles him because he has probably never heard something so strange that has actually made so much sense before. It is a belief he rarely ever sees in practice and yet it is wisdom even beyond Rin's years. The edges of Shizuo's lips tug upward, and he supposes that he likes her way of thinking.

"Anyways, I've done enough rambling. You should head back to class, Heiwajima." She makes a dismissive motion as she edges around him and opens the door to her classroom. A few students are already in their seats but there is still a little time before the second bell and so Rin takes the opportunity to organize herself before the lesson starts.

While she is rummaging through her desk doors – trying to sort out some papers – she hears footsteps approaching from behind. Slowly she glances back to see a student waiting to speak with her. Abandoning her cleaning activities for a moment, she straights herself and offers the boy a smile.

"That was Shizuo Heiwajima... wasn't it, Sensei?"

"Correct, Orihara."

Those slanted brown eyes of his, not the color of chocolate like Shizuo's but more like the soil from a graveyard – dark, dreary and unsettling – are staring back at her. "Actually, Sensei, I had a question for you. There is something I don't understand, so maybe you can explain it to me..." The grin on his lips seems to widen. "It's about you, Sensei~"


	4. When Everything Changes

**Author's Note:** We return from the flashbacks in this chapter (going back to present time) which gives some insight into what happened between Rin and Shizuo in the past. Also today is Shizuo's birthday for those of you who care. So woohoo~ Painting Smiles gets to update coincidentally on his B-day.

* * *

**Chapter 04 ; When Everything Changes**

Teriyaki beef or shrimp flavor? Simple decisions like these can seem so complicated at times. His eyes shift from one package of ramen to the other as he debates the question inwardly. Shizuo is not one to think too hard on things like this – or anything, for that matter. He usually acts before he has a chance to contemplate.

So why does it seem so hard right now to decide between the two? Maybe because that is all he has eaten for the past week. Neither one looks particularly appetizing, but he also doesn't feel like eating sushi at Simon's. His options seem grimly limited.

"Excuse me."

"Ah," he grunts out, taking a step backward to make room for the woman stooping down to one of the shelves below to grab a couple of chicken flavored ones. He had liked those at one point too but grew tired of them. In fact he has gone through _all_ of the flavors in the twenty-four years of his life and would be quite happy to see none of them ever again. But he is human after all – as much as he seems like a monster – and he does have to eat.

_Monster..._

That word echoes hollowly in his head and causes him to swallow hard. He tries not think too much on it, he really doesn't want to. So he outstretches his hand to grab the teriyaki beef because that is what he had yesterday and he really just wants to be done and get out of this convenience store. Or maybe it is because he doesn't want to admit that things are changing. If he repeats the same things that happened yesterday today, then it will feel like time isn't passing him by. Everything will remain normal and routine like it always has.

But change always finds him in the most unlikely of ways and he can taste the irony of it as a voice calls out to him from below. "Heiwajima-san?" A face is peering up at him – the woman who stooped down to grab a couple of packages of ramen herself.

Her eyes are green – like grass shaded beneath a cloudy sky – and he thinks for a moment that they resemble Rin's. That thought gives him pause and he examines further, only to find that this woman's face is far too narrow and thin to be Rin's. He is sure of it. "What do you want?" He bites out the words more bitterly than he intends but such is his nature.

A small smile makes its way up onto her rosy-colored lips. She has makeup on and it does well to accentuate her features. "I didn't recognize you at first. You have... changed a lot. You're even taller now than you were back then."

Now he figures he must be imaging things. Her voice sounds exactly like Rin's and he is sure he has seen that smile somewhere before. Shizuo tries to blink away the illusion – or maybe it's a dream. He pauses to pinch himself and winces when he notices that he can, in fact, feel pain. So apparently this is neither a delusion nor a nightmare but instead a twisted reality in which coincidence has managed to fuck him yet again. "You are... Takemori," he assumes, pretending as though he hasn't already figured it out for certain.

In those small, delicate hands of hers, she is gripping a package of ramen tightly. He notices from this distance – however far it may feel – that there is a ring on her finger. It reminds him that she is getting married. The large diamond seems almost intimidating for its size. Strange for someone like Shizuo Heiwajima to think.

"You're still eating ramen," she observes.

Feeling a little awkward perhaps and not knowing what else to say, he responds, "Yeah, and you... You're still eating it too."

Her head tilts slightly to the side and he watches her bangs shift across her forehead. It's still the same color it was before – the color he remembers. "I still can't cook," Rin admits in a hushed voice, quiet as a whisper. "I suppose some things never change."

Yet the things he doesn't want to change have changed.

"You graduated from high school, right?"

Shizuo gives a jerky nod. "Yeah, I did." Though he secretly wonders why she cares.

Rin grabs a few packages off the shelf and dumps them into the basket sitting beside her on the floor. "It has been a long time, hasn't it? A whole seven years. Thinking back on it makes me feel so old."

"You're not even thirty."

His words make her jerk her head up in surprise. Rin cranes her neck backwards to look up at him. In her eyes, Shizuo probably seems to be standing upside down. "That's true... I'm surprised you remember. I'll be turning twenty-nine in September, though." Which isn't that far away since it is already July.

"Are you still a teacher?" It's pointless to ask, he thinks, but the question slips out regardless of how impertinent his mind seems to think it is.

The smile that was on her face just moments ago slowly disappears. She suddenly looks downcast and he inwardly kicks himself for asking in the first place. "No," Rin murmurs, "After what happened at Raijin, I haven't been able to teach..." Her voice trails off for a moment then suddenly her eyes flicker. "Heiwajima-san, do you know if Orihara-san is still in Ikebukuro?" It seems strange for her to be using honorifics and speaking so politely, as though there is such a distance between them – and, he supposes, there probably is. There is no point in questioning it.

Rin mentioning the flea makes him feel a little bitter when he thinks back to the past and her involvement with _him._ Shizuo wonders to himself why she is asking. Does she want to meet up with the flea? Talk to him? Are they friends? Shizuo ignores all those questions swirling around in his mind. "No," he growls out in an annoyed voice. He could tell her that Izaya lives in Shinjuku now but he doesn't want to.

"Is that so?" she doesn't seem to be disappointed. There is a smile on her face again as she breathes a sigh of relief. Shizuo notices the perspiration trickling down her forehead. "So he has finally left Ikebukuro."

Shizuo feels a little guilty for not being entirely honest. It isn't a lie that Izaya has left Ikebukuro but it isn't true that the flea never returns for the occasional unwanted visit. (Though Shizuo is a little happy about those infrequent visits that give him the opportunity to _kill_ the flea.)

While he is preoccupied with his thoughts, Rin glances down at the watch on her wrist. She seems to notice that it is getting pretty late. Suddenly she stands up and the two of them are at such a close proximity that Shizuo is momentarily shocked. He quickly stumbles back to put some distance between them.

Rin just smiles at him warmly. "You're as cute as you always were. Do you have a girlfriend now?"

"What?" he questions awkwardly then quickly stumbles with a lie, "Oh, yeah..." Shizuo scratches at the back of his neck nervously. He is not good at lying – he never has been. Still, he hopes she doesn't notice. This time he can't be honest, because if he is then that's admitting that he is as alone as he always has been. Saying that would just reaffirm the cruel words she had once spoken to him.

_"You're a monster."_

For a moment he loiters there, frozen by the memory. It seems odd for him to be standing here now having a casual conversation with her.

"...Heiwajima-san?" she reaches a finger out and tentatively taps him on the shoulder.

Shizuo jolts from her touch, both surprised and perhaps a bit panicked. "What?" He can't figure out why she would even get so close to him if she thinks he is a monster. But she is still smiling at him. It makes him feel guilty and he isn't sure why.

"I was asking you if you were done shopping. All I had to get was ramen." Then her eyes wander to the basket he is holding, his hands clenched so tightly that his knuckles have gone a pale white. But she doesn't seem to notice that part. "Oh you still like dairy? I guess I shouldn't be surprised with how often you used to drink milk."

He gives her a stiff nod, "Yeah..." Shizuo answers as vaguely as he always does, showing disinterest in this leisurely conversation she is trying to have with him. Honestly he just wants to bolt for the door and forget the ramen altogether now.

"But you didn't get any ramen?"

Her words prompt him to glance down into his basket. All that is in it is some yogurt, ice cream that is probably half-melted by now, and milk that is also probably no longer ice cold. There is no ramen and he remembers that although he had been reaching for the teriyaki beef, she had interrupted him before he could put it in his basket. "Oh, I still need some," he remarks absentmindedly.

"You were standing here for quite a while. I noticed you when I first walked in but I didn't recognize you until I got closer. Were you having a hard time picking which flavor you wanted?" He didn't answer. She didn't need him to. "Hold on, you would probably like this one..." Rin kneels down and grabs three packets of a flavor that Shizuo doesn't recognize at first. When she dumps them into his basket, he finally gets a glimpse of the package. _Cheese flavored,_ it reads. She probably picked it out because of his penchant for dairy.

Strange is the first thought that comes to his mind. It is supposed to be a normal day. He started the morning with his usual shower, wearing his usual bartender outfit, doing his usual bodyguard job, and then stopped by the convenience store on his way home to resupply for dinner. This is – was – his usual routine and yet it had been suddenly interrupted by Rin's abrupt appearance. Now things were changing, even in the smallest of ways, because he finds himself about to buy a flavor of ramen he has never considered before.

"Are you ready to checkout now?"

He glances at her and notices – now that she is standing up – that Rin has lost quite a bit of weight. The clothes she is wearing fit snugly, not like the baggy kind she used to wear. And, he notices, she is wearing a flattering miniskirt. Back in school she always wore pencil skirts that easily reached the bottom of her knees. This one is different – this one shows much more skin and he suddenly finds himself swallowing hard as he looks up into her eyes. "Yeah, I'm ready," he says dumbly.

The two of them walk together up to the registers and she checks out first. When he is checking out, she waits for him. It's odd but she seems content to have these conversations with him. Rin was always smiles and laughter. He is surprised to find she hasn't changed, although there seems to be something lurking behind those eyes of hers. An emotion, he thinks, but he can't recognize exactly what it is.

As they come out of the sliding glass doors, he hears the familiar bell chiming at their exit. It reminds him of a time before when they went shopping together. But that was then and this is now. "You've lost a lot of weight," he says suddenly. The fact that it could be taken as a little rude doesn't occur to Shizuo. He isn't exactly the most tactful and never has been.

Rin realizes that and she gives an appreciative smile. "You think so? It has taken a lot of hard work. Do you know how much I had to cut back on chocolate?" She sighs – and he knows that it's because she loves chocolate _a lot_ and that there is very little in the world she would sacrifice chocolate for. "But at least I'll look nice for our wedding – that is, I'm getting married." She seems to fiddle absentmindedly with the ring on her finger. The single sack in her left hand bumps against her leg occasionally and the swishing sound bugs his ears.

At this point he knows there are a million things he can say, among them a compliment to how pretty she looks now. But she was always pretty in his eyes. It seems a moot point to make. So he says something else – something to change the subject. "I got the invitation."

"Invitation?" she echoes with a look of confusion on her face as she stops suddenly. Rin turns to the car parked at the side of the street and approaches it. Apparently it belongs to her. She fumbles with something in her pocket, he assumes it's the key. "I didn't send you an invitation."

Now he is the one utterly bewildered, looking after her with his eyes narrowed and his brows furrowed. "You... didn't?" he questions, not understanding.

"Where is that key?" she mutters to herself as she starts rummaging through her purse. Apparently the thing in her pocket was a packet of bubblegum. Rin eventually lets out an exasperated sigh. "I can't find it – wait, there it is!" Now she has her face pressed against the driver's window. Apparently it is in the ignition still. She tries the door futilely, but it is locked of course.

Shizuo ignores her plight, more interested in why she didn't send him an invitation – and if she didn't, how he got it. "The invitation was addressed to me..." He distinctly remembers that part because he checked, double-checked, and triple-checked. "It was definitely your wedding..." Which he knows because he triple-checked that part too. "Who could have sent it...?" He realizes at this point that the handwriting was not recognizable because he has seen Rin's before and it was definitely not her handwriting on that envelope.

"My phone is dead." She seems to be ignoring him. "I should have charged it last night..."

Since ninety-nine percent of the things that happen in Ikebukuro, particularly the _bad_ things, are usually caused by Izaya, he suspects the flea has had his hand in this as well. Shizuo doesn't want to admit his suspicions to Rin, though.

"I'm not sure how you got an invitation," the woman says suddenly as she returns to his side, having stashed her powerless cellphone back into her purse. "I would have invited you if I had known your address but since I didn't know..." Her voice trails off. "Do you live far? I hate to bother you but I really need to make a phone call since I locked my keys in the car. Do you mind?" She looks uneasy asking. Shizuo suspects that's because she still thinks of him as a monster.

But there is also the convenience store not so far away that she can go to if she really doesn't want to follow him back home to borrow his phone. All this thinking is making him crave a cigarette. "Sure, it's not far," he says belatedly, and the two resume their walk together.

There is a momentary silence between them, occupied only by the tapping of their shoes against the pavement. Then, finally, Rin speaks up. "So are you a bartender now?" she tilts her head curiously as she gazes over at him.

He feels a little awkward with her eyes raking over him. Shizuo averts his gaze, "Not anymore... Mind if I smoke?" It is unusual for him to ask, but he remembers how much she hated him doing it back in school.

"Oh, sure, don't mind me."

Shizuo lifts the box from the pocket of his vest and hastily places the butt in between his lips before lighting up. The rush of nicotine through his system is calming as he breathes out a ring of smoke. He isn't sure how to make conversation back with her, especially since he has never been one for talking much. Mentioning the past just stirs bad memories, but the past is the only thing they have together.

Rin seems to think otherwise. She has always been good at idle banter. "So what do you do for work now?"

"Bodyguard," he answers vaguely. Adding in the part that he is the bodyguard of a debt collector seems unnecessary. Then she'll just think he is into something shady. (Maybe he is into something shady – but he doesn't really care.)

"Protecting someone?" she is smiling at him again. "That really suits you."

Somehow he wonders if that is sarcasm. She must be lying. Since she called him a monster, she definitely can't think protecting someone suits him. Rin probably thinks he is unsafe. But he realized back then that he never understood her, and so he knows now that he still doesn't understand her. He can't figure out what is going through her head. "How about you?" Better to change the subject.

"I've been bouncing around between jobs – here and there, you know – now I'm a secretary for a law firm. Nothing special but the pay is decent." She is staring ruefully down at the sidewalk. "Honestly, nothing beats the job I had as a teacher. Even if it was just for a little while, it was a lot of fun."

He is about to say something – what, he doesn't know – but then, just as they round the corner and they are almost there at the stairs leading up to the second story, he spots something. It is a blurry figure, a silhouette outlined by the lights of the city and the dimly-illuminated apartment complex. That person looks familiar. He chomps down on the butt of the cigarette. "I-za-ya," he growls out, his eyes skimming the area for the nearest large object he can grab and throw.

"Orihara?" Rin chokes out from beside him. Her face blanches. She seems to be petrified; completely frozen in place as though her feet have been rooted to the ground. Her jaw is trembling as she points a shaky finger toward the informant. "You – Heiwajima-san said – what are you doing here?"

"How unexpected! Here I came to see if Shizu-chan had gotten my invitation to your wedding and look... The two of you are already together. Brings back memories, doesn't it?" He smiles wryly. Everything about him is unpleasant and Rin takes a step back shakily. "I can't leave 'bukuro, you know, Rin-chan. This is my second home and the humans here are so, so interesting!" Then he pauses, just for a moment, and points his finger at them. "Especially... the two of you."

The trembling of her knees is uncontrollable and Rin collapses to the ground, a look of abject horror on her face. Shizuo finds himself preoccupied looking in between the two of them, confused. He has momentarily abandoned his search for a vending machine or stop sign. The questions running through his mind preoccupy him as he wonders what is happening.

"You weren't supposed to be here," she says, a tremor in her voice. "I thought I would... Never have to see you again. I never _wanted_ to see you again..."

"How cruel~" he responds with a feigned gasp, slapping his hand over his heart. "You didn't miss your beloved student, Rin-chan? Or should I call you... Takemori-sensei? Ah, but that's right. You aren't a teacher anymore, are you?"

Rin slaps her hands over her ears and cradles her head, swaying from side to side. "I'm not listening. I don't want to hear your voice. Please just disappear!" There is such desperation in her voice that it reminds him – reminds Shizuo of the time when she called him a monster. Her face is flushed now like it was back then and he can see the tears forming in her eyes. A small part of him is glad that this time it's because of Izaya.

"So has she told you truth yet, Shizu-chan? Have you been wondering all these years why she called you a monster?" he cackles.

Now Shizuo knows that he doesn't want to hear anymore. He reaches for a lamp post and rips it out of the ground with ease, then brandishes it in Izaya's direction. "Izaya," he bellows in what resembles a battle cry as he charges. The large metal post spins around and slams against the concrete. The nimble informant leaps out of the way just in time.

"Whoa~ that's really dangerous, Shizu-chan!"

The blonde-haired man lifts the lamp and turns to swing it at Izaya again. "Kill, kill, kill," he chants angrily as he chomps down on the cigarette still in his mouth. Usually he would have snapped it and thrown it to the ground but his mind is in such jumbled knots that he can't even think clearly.

The informant manages to dodge once more and takes the opportunity, as Shizuo is lifting his chosen weapon up from the ground and getting ready to swing again, to skip over to where Rin is collapsed on the pavement. He steps behind her, placing his hands gently on her shoulders. "Hello there, Rin-chan."

She jerkily looks up at him with eyes set wide. "W-what do you want? Please leave me alone..."

"Tsk, tsk, that's not a very nice thing to say," he whispers back as he leans down by her ear. Those reddish-brown eyes of his glance up in Shizuo's direction. "Can you swing that thing at me now, Shizu-chan? Ah! Maybe you can after all. Does this bring back any memories for you?"

In fact, it does bring back memories. Shizuo can't even muster up enough strength lift the lamp post anymore. It falls uselessly from his hands and crashes against the pavement. The ground around them seems to rumble from the force. "Get away from her!" he growls out in a voice that is less intimidating than he would like it to be.

"It's regrettable but I actually _do_ have somewhere else I have to be right now. Sorry I can't reminisce with the two of you, Rin-chan. Have fun chatting about old times. Hope I'm not unfortunate enough to see you again any time soon, Shizu-chan!" Finally he releases her shoulders, takes a few steps back, and gives them a small wave before chortling as he darts off into an alleyway.

Now that the flea has left, Shizuo takes the opportunity to hurry over to Rin, who is shaking uncontrollably. He kneels down beside her, but he isn't sure if it's safe to touch her. He decides against it. "He's gone now." It seems like an obvious observation, but it's all he can think to say.

Rin swallows hard as she warily looks up into his eyes, hidden beneath the blue shades he always wears. "I t-thought you said he wasn't in Ikebukuro anymore... Why is he here? What does he want?" Perspiration is pouring down her face, intermingled with the tears streaming down her cheeks.

Shizuo isn't even sure why she is having this kind of reaction. The last time he can remember, the two of them seemed almost chummy together. Considering how she had gone to lengths to protect Izaya. No matter how much he tries to piece together the things he's heard or the things that have just happened, he can't come up with an answer. He wants to ask but he knows better. "I don't know." But he _will_ find out. "Can you stand?"

She gives him a hesitant nod as she slowly makes her way back up onto her legs. Rin wipes away her tears hastily with the sleeve of her blouse. The sack of groceries she had been carrying is laying on the ground. Apparently she forgot about it. Shizuo reaches down and picks up the grocery bag, then turns to retrieve his.

"My apartment is here, second floor." He guides her up the rickety old metal staircase and straight to his front door. It perturbs him to know that Izaya keeps tabs on where he lives but that's a thought to mull over some other time.

Once the two of them are in his apartment, he makes sure to lock the door – just for peace of mind. Then he moves to retrieve his phone but Rin stops him. "Wait, I don't... want to call my fiancee until I can calm down." She places her hand against the wall and pauses to catch her breathe, her face still pale.

He watches her silently. There are a million things he wants to ask her. "He mentioned you haven't told me something." Absentmindedly, Shizuo reaches for his cigarettes. For some reason he thinks he is about to need them.

Rin looks up at him hesitantly, her green eyes hidden beneath a layered curtain of wavy brown tresses. "You mean about what Orihara-san mentioned," she responds shakily. Color is starting to come back to her face though and it seems like she is at least getting her nerve back. At least he thinks so, until he sees another tear trickle down the side of her cheek.

Now he feels a little guilty mentioning it. "Yeah..." his voice trails off as he scratches the back of his neck.

"Does he come around you often?"

"I run into him a lot." More often than Shizuo would probably like, especially considering that so far his attempts to squish the flea have been largely unsuccessful. He grabs a cigarette out of the box and puts it to his lips. He is _definitely _going to need it.

The green-eyed girl seems to hesitate for a moment after hearing his answer. "I'm sorry, Heiwajima," she says, and finally she sounds exactly like she used to. Just how he remembers her in the past. There is no longer that fake, cheerful air to her voice. And maybe he wishes it was still there, because the cigarette falls from his lips and hits the ground. He stands still, unable to bend down and pick it up. "I have to go." Before he can even lift his head up and question her, she has already darted to the front door and unlocked the deadbolt. He hears the door swing open briefly before slamming behind her.

Shizuo looks down at the grocery sack with the convenience store logo emblazoned on the front. That one belongs to her. She forgot it. Wearily, he raises his gaze to the spot where she had been leaning against his wall. Everything seems like a nightmare that has just ended.

And he wonders to himself... Are things going to continue to change? Or can he return to his usual routine tomorrow?


	5. Precious Friendship

**Chapter 05 ; Precious Friendship**

"No smoking on school grounds, Heiwajima!" she bellows, swiping the cigarette right out of his fingers, which earns her a pointed glare. Rin just flashes him a smile back. "You should really expect this from me by now. This is the third time I've caught you up on the rooftop smoking during lunch break."

The fact that she has been following him around more than usual probably just means that if he wasn't annoyed by her before, he probably is now. He probably also suspects that she is singling him out, which may not be entirely untrue. Shizuo breathes a sigh at the teacher's antics as he leans his back against the chain-link fence.

"Students really aren't supposed to be up here anyways," Rin mutters. She approaches the spot beside him, her hands clutching at the chain-link as she peers out. The courtyard is bustling with people eating outside. They are the only two sitting on the rooftop and probably the only two _not_ eating. Her stomach growls involuntarily.

"Go eat," he tells her with an annoyed twitch of the eye. Maybe he thinks that he can sneak out another cigarette as soon as she leaves. Rin eyes him, wondering if that's what's going through his head. She can never figure out what he is thinking though. Perhaps he is genuinely concerned.

At least, she thinks that may be the case, but then she hears his stomach growl too. "Hungry?" she challenges with a quirked brow. "Since you have cut down on your fighting, I haven't reported you for your smoking. So how about you do me a favor after school and come to the kitchen and try my-"

"No." His answer seems to echo through the empty space around them.

She gives him a sour look. "If I didn't know any better, Heiwajima, I would think you are avoiding me." Which is probably true. What delinquent wouldn't want to avoid a nosy teacher that constantly chides them for bad decisions? "This is a really cruel way to treat someone, you know, after I treated you to ramen."

The blonde-haired boy shifts uneasily as he sits on the concrete. He reaches into his pocket and she hears the clanking of coins as he produces the amount of money equivalent to one bowl of ramen. Shizuo offers it to her. "Here, take it."

It seems the more she gets to know him, the more certain she is that he isn't your typical delinquent. Actually, he seems like a rather likable fellow, and maybe that is why Rin simply can't leave him alone. "I don't want your money, I want your help. Can't you cook at all, Heiwajima?"

"No," he says honestly.

This doesn't seem to discourage Rin. She drops her hands away from the fence. "I wonder how many people are talented at cooking? Does a girl have to be talented at cooking in order to get married? Is that some kind of requirement?" Now she sounds almost like a whining school girl. At first she kind of regrets opening her mouth.

But then Shizuo says, "No, it's not."

That catches her by surprise and she glances down at him questioningly. The brown-eyed man is just staring into the distance with that usual despondent look on his face. She smiles to herself. "That's right!" she agrees before turning her gaze out toward the courtyard again. "You hear that? I have the right to not cook! In fact I like not being able to cook!" Rin bellows those words at the top of her lungs and silently hopes that no one notices that she is the one standing on the rooftop saying all these things.

Now Shizuo is the one staring at her with an apprehensive look on his face, brow quirked.

"Yelling like that gets the emotions out," she tells him superfluously, waving her finger in the air like she is proclaiming some universal truth. "You can't coop things up inside or they'll explode, Heiwajima. So it's always good to say what you think."

"Always?"

She gives him a firm nod, a hopeful look on her face. Maybe Rin is thinking that he is about to do the same, to finally vent instead of holding it in and then blowing up when people chase after him to attack him.

"You're a little... annoying."

_**Bam!**_

Her fist crashes right into his head and she realizes at that moment that she has made the exact same mistake that he always makes. And she is about to apologize, only she finds herself yelping, "Ouch!" as she pulls her hand back and massages her throbbing wrist. "Your head is like cement, Heiwajima!"

Shizuo looks up at her blankly. "That wasn't a good idea..." He doesn't seem to be pissed at least.

"You didn't try to defend?" Rin asks curiously.

"I don't want to hurt you." In other words, he saw no purpose in it, which makes perfect sense considering his inhuman strength. Shizuo tilts his head down and his bangs create a shadow over his eyes. He breathes another sigh.

"You don't want to hurt me or you don't want to hurt a girl?" He doesn't answer her but Rin suspects she has hit the mark. "That kind of thinking is no good, Heiwajima. That's the same reason that my fiancee and his family want me to learn how to cook."

Now that part doesn't make any sense because he is pretty sure the two don't correlate. He even says so. "That has nothing to do with this." Especially because she does not know the circumstances surrounding his distaste of violence toward women. Is she trying to insinuate he should treat both equally? Thereby punching women and men? He turns his head away from her.

"That's old-fashioned thinking, Heiwajima. Why is it fair to hit a man but unfair to hit a woman? I don't think people should hit each other..." Her voice trails off as she laughs. "Okay, that probably sounds like a load of crap – I just tried to hit you. But really, I don't think gender has anything to do with condoning violence toward another person."

"I hate violence," Shizuo mumbles.

For a moment she stares at him, unable to see his eyes because of the hair shading them away. Rin suspects that the only reason Shizuo fights is because he has to. Perhaps she notices that awkward gentleness about him and the fact that he is never the initiator in fights. This only motivates her to fight against the lax system of the school that allows people to get away with violence with minimal punishment. She thinks that, if she can change things, then maybe the fighting will stop. If other people stop picking fights, maybe Shizuo won't have to fight anymore. She likes the thought of that.

Yet at the very thought of fighting, she spots one breaking out in the courtyard. Rin presses her face against the chain-link. "Hey, hey, hey!" she shouts at the top of her lungs. It is to no avail, though, they don't hear her from here. So she turns on her heel to face the door leading down to the third floor but pauses to glance at Shizuo. "Hey, Heiwajima, I want to see you after school. Help me out since I treated you. Just this once and you won't owe me."

"I'm not going."

She ignores him and sprints toward the door, stopping briefly to turn back and face him again. "Don't forget! After school in the home economics room!" Then she bolts before he has a chance to remind her that he already said he doesn't want to go.

—

This time she knows she is going to get it right. She knows because she triple-checked the recipe this time and did _not_ forget the eggs. "Aha, every girl has to be able to make a cake. If I like to eat it, then I can make it." Rin's logic isn't necessarily wrong but the issue of her inability to cook probably lies in her own clumsiness. (She has always been an airhead, after all.) Not that she allows these possibilities to dissuade her.

Instead she is keenly focused on mixing the ingredients in the bowl. The texture seems a little thicker than the reference picture in the cook book. Did she add too much flour? Rin pauses to check the recipe, which quotes two cups. She thinks she accidentally used three, but since she can't actually remember she just hopes that she really did only put two in.

"If I stir it just a bit longer it should thin out," she says to herself. At least she hopes so but since she doesn't even know the basics of cooking, Rin is probably wrong. But this is why she wanted Shizuo to come along. The stubborn oaf didn't even bother showing up like she had asked him to, though.

_That's okay,_ she reassures herself, _after I make this perfect cake I'll rub it in his face tomorrow. _Rin doesn't even seem to realize how sad it is that she wants to taunt Shizuo with cake before showing her hopefully "perfect creation" to her husband. Then again Akira won't be returning home for five more days.

"Okay!" Rin exclaims as she sets the freshly greased pan against the counter. It's time to pour the batter in. (Unfortunately, even as she pours the batter into the rectangular-shaped pan, Rin doesn't even seem to notice there are still hefty chunks that she didn't stir properly.)

Soon enough it really doesn't matter because she has already popped the pan into the preheated oven and now she is squatting down in front of it, peering through the glass as she waits. (Rin forgets that it will be thirty minutes before the cake is even finished.) But her mouth waters at the thought of sponge cake covered in a thick layer of pink icing, which she bought from the store since she doesn't trust herself to hand-make frosting.

While she is waiting, Rin paces around the tables, pausing to adjust the chairs in a symmetrical pattern. Then she sits down and flips through the recipe book, pausing to admire some of the delicious dishes while inwardly envying the women capable of concocting such delectable cuisine. It is while she is thumbing through the pages that she hears the soft chiming of the timer going off, alerting her that her cake is done.

Rin fumbles as she tries to open the door, holding the mitten precariously in her hand. Just as she is about to use the cloth pad to grab the pan, it slips from her grasp and she ends up grabbing the heated pan with her bare hand. She yelps and jumps back in surprise, waving her hand emphatically through the air. "Crap, crap, crap!" Rin wails with tears in her eyes as she turns in circles, looking for the sink. When she spots it, she rushes toward it, only to slip on the oven mitt she dropped. She quickly comes crashing down onto her bottom, letting out another anguished cry.

While her cake is burning, she is hurrying up to her feet, rubbing her buttocks with her unburned hand. Rin hobbles over to the sink and quickly turns on the cold water, pushing her seared flesh beneath the ice cold liquid. She gulps at the strange sensation that immediately overcomes her as the pain eventually fades into numbness.

She holds her hand under the water only for a brief thirty seconds before she retrieves the mitt and pulls the cake out. The edges are a hideous black color, burnt to the consistency of a brick. At least the middle of it is salvageable, she hopes, because it is still a vibrant, evenly-cooked yellow that mirrors the image she saw in the cook book. Rin feels a small sense of satisfaction as she tears her eyes away and returns to the sink to soak her hand. The entirety of her palm is already red and beginning to swell.

As she is standing in front of the sink, preoccupied by her own self-inflicted burn, she hears the door open. Without even looking back, she thinks she knows who it is. Even though Shizuo said he didn't want to come – perhaps he _smelled_ her good cooking and it lured him in. (Yeah, she's being a little delusional again; the smell of her burnt cake is enough to suffocate just about anyone, what with the smoke billowing out of the oven just a moment ago.)

"You're thirty minutes late, Heiwajima," she says with a sour tone. Rin is nevertheless smiling as she reaches for the knob on the sink but freezes as she feels someone approaching close behind her. It is definitely _not_ Shizuo; the shadow is at least several inches shorter.

"Ahh, Takemori-sensei, you burned your hand," a voice drawls from over her shoulder.

She cautiously peers over at the person, slightly startled to find her first period art class student. "Orihara," Rin gasps out in surprise, "What are you doing here after school?" Granted that's a question he could easily be asking her instead.

A smile surfaces on his lips as he edges around the counter, his eyes inspecting the condition of her hand. "I saw the smoke and thought something was burning," he tells her in a voice that seems so innocent it screams guilty. "I told you earlier, Sensei, that I was curious about you because you had been leaving school late recently."

She quirks a brow at him, wondering how her schedule and activities are any of his business. Then again, in the little time she has known Izaya Orihara, Rin has been quick to figure out that he enjoys mind games, incessant questions, and that eccentric is his middle name. "Your curiosity is really too much like a cat's, Orihara. As you can see, I'm... trying to learn how to cook."

"And failing apparently," he adds with a sly smirk as he nods his head toward her half-burnt cake.

Alright, now she kind of feels like punching him square in the face. But Rin always tries to exercise patience, even in areas where she would prefer to let her fist fly. After all, if she is going to preach to the delinquents about patience and other ways of dealing with matters besides violence, then she needs to be able to take her own advice. So she fakes a smile back at Izaya. "Everyone has things they're not good at it."

"This must be yours." Those relentless jabs of his have her hand itching. The dark-haired student leisurely paces around the counter and stops abruptly beside her ruined cake. He leans toward it, removing a hand from his pocket. Rin watches from a short distance away as he digs his fingers into the middle of it. Her jaw drops agape.

"What do you think you're-"

Izaya lifts a small bit of the moist breading to his lips, taking a small bite. His nose crinkles as he swallows hard. "Way too much flour," he criticizes as he throws the little bit still left in the grip of his hand into the nearby trashcan. Then he promptly turns toward Rin, inclining his head to the side in that condescending manner of his. "Sensei, there's one more thing I'm curious about~" The way he says it in that sing-song voice makes her feel uneasy.

Rin exhales slowly before responding. "What is that, Orihara?"

"What is your relationship..." he pauses as he approaches her, his gaze turned toward the floor, until he stops just in front of her, "With Shizuo Heiwajima?" There's a deranged smile on his face as he leans toward down toward her, reminding Rin that she is just a few inches shorter than he is.

"You should know that well enough, Orihara. He is a student just as you are."

The way she unflinchingly answers him seems amusing to Izaya as he gives her a wry smile. "Is that all?" he tilts his head. "For loving food so much, isn't it odd for you to be so untalented at cooking?"

It is strange how it feels as though he is prying into her brain and speaking the very words she has used to admonish herself so many times before. Rin feels like she is losing her nerve, losing the backbone that she usually has against people like Izaya. Everything he says feels like it's chipping her down from the pedestal she's put herself on to keep others from seeing inside her. He's getting dangerously close to peeling past her exterior and ripping out her insecurities.

"You're getting married, Sensei?"

She gulps unintentionally. "How do you know?" It's a stupid question; of course the ring on her finger is enough to spell that fact out. Even if she hasn't spoken about it to the other staff members, rumors are probably floating about. It isn't unusual. Why is she letting his questions affect her?

"That's why you're trying to learn how to cook." Suddenly his face is coming toward her and Rin jerks her chin away. Out of the side of her eye, she can see him smirking as his lips come close to her ear and the warmth of his breathe makes her cringe visibly. "Do you think you can impress your fiancee's family if you can cook? Do you think it will make them accept you? Do you think he will love you more?"

Rin's jaw trembles. How does he know what she's thinking? Why can't she just tell him to shut up like she would any other student who was giving her lip? She swallows. Maybe it isn't easy because she's really a coward and he seems to know it.

"B-i-n-g-o," he says slowly with a triumphant look on his face as he leans back, hands stuffed away into the pockets of his pants. "If you want help learning how to cook, Sensei, you should ask someone who knows how."

When she chances a glance at him, she sees he is wearing that unpleasant smile again. Then again, to her, it almost seems pleasant because in comparison to the look he was giving her just moments ago, that smile of his makes her far less uncomfortable. She breathes a small sigh of relief. "Students without club activities shouldn't be staying this long after school, Orihara. You should be heading home."

"I _could_ help you," he offers.

Rin flinches, "You could...?" her voice reveals her desperation and she quickly clamps her lips shut and clears her throat. "I appreciate your concern but my personal matters are my own, Orihara, if I'm looking for help-"

"You were going to trust Shizu-chan to help you. That's who you were waiting for, right?" He is challenging her to answer. "Ah, but weren't you disappointed~ Shizu-chan didn't come to help you like you wanted him to."

She blanches at his words. Why is everything that comes out of his mouth able to get under her skin. Then just as Rin thinks she has worked up enough nerve to yell at him, she is interrupted again.

"When you decide you want help you can come to me, Takemori-sensei." He brushes by her, bumping her shoulder for just a moment. Rin turns her head to look back at him and notices those eyes of his – reddish brown – staring back at her. They seem to see right through her and yet she can't pull her gaze away. "Bye-bye," Izaya coos back before he slips out the door. It closes with a soft thud and she can hear the faint sound of his echoing footsteps as he makes his way down the hall.

It takes Rin a minute, which seems like forever, to regain her sense. When she does, she steels herself again like she always does. The chin goes up an inch, shoulders roll back, and she marches purposefully over to her burnt cake that now has a noticeable hole in the middle. It isn't as pretty as she first thought. Like a hideous mistake it stares back at her and reminds her of her own inabilities.

Turning her back on it, she starts to clean up the mess she made with the mixing bowl. It's time for her to go home. The clock on the wall is ticking the way the minutes and the hour, and she can't afford to loiter about with self-loathing thoughts any longer. She just keeps telling herself to ignore Izaya, the little prick. But she can't help thinking that he's much worse than any delinquent she has come to face and somehow much more dangerous.

The water spills into the glass mixing bowl. It chips away at the batter still caked on the sides and the flour coloring it. She uses the soap and scrubs it until it's clean, then the beaters, then a large plastic spoon... until everything is in the same shape as it was before she laid hands on it. Through it all, the burn on her hand stings incessantly like a vivid reminder of her inept cooking skills and her clumsiness, but she pushes it to the back of her mind.

Once everything is finished and all that is left is the pan containing her cake, the store-bought small case of frosting sitting unopened beside it, Rin finds herself hesitating. Should she throw it away? Seems like a waste. She bought all of the ingredients with her money.

"I'll take it home and eat it," she reasons, "Because it can't taste _that_ bad."

She rethinks that after she takes a bite and nearly chokes on it.

But Rin is not the wasteful type and so she lifts her backpack and slings it over her shoulder after stuffing the box of frosting inside and holds the cake-filled pan with her unburnt hand. Sullenly she traipses out of the room, turning the lights off as she leaves, then continues down the empty hallway. It is easily an hour and a half past the time school originally let out. Even all the students that were held in detention have left. All she can hear in the distance is a mop and sloshing water, probably the janitor cleaning out a bathroom or something.

The sound of footsteps acts as a ricocheting melody that haunts her as she clambers down a short flight of stairs into the courtyard of the school. In the distance the sun is fading and the bright rays glare into her eyes as she hastily hurries out to her car. But then the moment she approaches the parking lot, Rin once again sees a familiar silhouette hovering by it.

She wonders if it's the culprit. Not that there is anything more someone can do to her car; she hasn't even found the time to have the tires replaced yet. In fact, the only reason she is stopping by the parking lot before seeking out a taxi is to make sure no one has reported it to be towed.

"Heiwajima?" she calls out tentatively as she stops a short distance away.

When the figure turns around, her suspicions are confirmed. Those slanted, chocolate eyes are staring at her. He looks tired. "Takemori...sensei," as usual he tacks on the honorific at the end as though he is reluctant to even use it. But Shizuo looks at her contritely as though he feels some sense of guilt for having betrayed her request.

After her run-in with Izaya, Rin frankly doesn't feel like gaily dismissing it and reassuring him that it doesn't matter that he failed to show up. In fact, a small part of her feels like blaming him, yet she stops to remind herself that it was a naive expectation to begin with. So she imposes a smile on her lips. "You should be going home, Heiwajima." That is about as much effort as she can muster to say something teacher-like before the facade of her job decays, and she doesn't want that to happen. So she turns her back on him and starts to stalk off.

"Detention," he calls back after her.

Rin pauses to look back at him, brows raised questioningly, "What?"

"I was in detention."

This explanation is almost baffling considering of the last five times he has been sent to detention, he has only gone once, and she knows this time she wasn't the one to send him. Rin can't help feeling a little curious as to what other teacher managed to work up their nerve to tell Shizuo to go to detention after school and moreover finds herself curious as to what Shizuo did, but none of this really matters.

Especially since she can hear the sound of him approaching. Rin feels frozen in place and barely manages to yank the cake away as he reaches toward it. "No," she says desperately, frantically, "I-it didn't turn out well. Don't worry about it." Maybe she just doesn't want to hear another person tells her that she's inferior.

The blonde-haired man looks at her solemnly, yet there is something imploring about those eyes. (Or maybe that's just because they still remind her of chocolate and she has such a weakness for sweets...) "You're crying."

That remark jerks her back to reality. "H-huh?" Rin stutters in surprise as she lifts her burnt hand, pressing her trembling fingers to the corner of her eyes. Warm liquid spills across her nail and down her cheeks, leaving a stinging trail in their wake. She can't even believe that, without knowing, she is tearing up. It's Izaya's fault, she is sure, but Rin doesn't want to tell Shizuo that.

While she is preoccupied placing the blame, Shizuo manages to sneak his hand toward the cake and before she can stop him, he already has a small piece pinched in between his fingers. She gasps as she watches him stuff it between his lips. The anticipation nearly kills her as he chews, the deadpan expression never leaving his face. Then he swallows.

"It's terrible," she assures him, "I added too much flour and-"

"Can I have more?"

Rin blinks away the tears still falling. "What?" she asks incredulously. "But it tastes bad, it's burnt, and-"

He takes the cake pan and grabs another handful of it, stuffing it into his mouth and struggling to chew it all before swallowing. There is a hidden grimace on his face each time and yet for some reason Shizuo continues to eat it. "It's really good," he tells her in a quiet voice.

And this time she can't suppress a genuine smile as the tears continue to come down. "Thanks, Heiwajima."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Zomg that was like fluff. I don't write fluffy things... almost ever. Anyways hopefully you enjoyed. I'm trying to finish writing up Painting Smiles which is why the update is kind of early. Maybe give myself some motivation since I've been sick all week and there has been a blizzard so I can't even leave the house. (Schools are all closed too.) Lesigh. Probably about 10 more chapters until this is finished, though. Not even halfway! Urgh!


	6. Together

**Chapter 06 ; Together**

"Did you walk all the way here?"

Shizuo stares back her, cheeks flushed from the cold morning as he gives a stiff nod. He is wearing a thin windbreaker, hands stuffed into the pockets of what appears to be a pair of worn-out jeans with a hole wearing through one of the knees. There is a belt cinched around the waist, the tail of it hanging loosely.

It is actually kind of cute, she thinks, to see a student in something other than the traditional and somewhat hideous uniforms that they are always forced to wear. Rin smiles pleasantly at him and steps aside, motioning for him to enter. "Come in, come in, it's warm inside. I can fix you some hot chocolate – which, by the way, I do not mess up on. There are some things I can do."

Although she seems perfectly comfortable to be welcoming him into her home, Shizuo feels anything but at ease. In fact his shoulders and legs are so stiff that he marches inside like a soldier while peering about awkwardly as though he can't figure out what he is supposed to do next. Firstly, he is not often invited to other people's houses (for good reasons that include destroyed walls and appliances) and most definitely never into a girl's house. Then again Rin isn't a _girl_, she is a teacher (both) which doesn't make it much better...

"What's wrong? You admiring the decor?" she grins up at him as she slides past him and traipses down the hallway.

"Ah, my shoes..." He barely notices in time and quickly peels them off, leaving them by the front entrance before trailing after an over-eager Rin. When he catches up to her, he finds himself in her kitchen. It's definitely modest and the counters are littered with dirty bowls and various ingredients she's bought, among them at least a dozen packages of ramen. He can easily guess what she eats for most meals is probably packaged foods.

As though she can read his mind, she apologizes, "Sorry it's a mess. I'm probably as equally talented at cleaning as I am at cooking." She frowns. Apparently that means 'not very talented,' but she doesn't explicitly say that.

Another thing Shizuo takes note of is the fact that Rin doesn't have her hair up in the usual bun she wears to school. The layered tresses fall across her shoulders and he can see the natural dark highlights in her hair, hidden from sight when she puts it up. It feels strange to see a teacher dressed so casually, in baggy pants and an old, stained sweat shirt. Not the most flattering clothing.

"Here you go!" her voice chimes, jerking him back to attention.

He awkwardly reaches for the handle of the steaming mug that she offers him and nods his head briefly, "Thanks." Shizuo lifts the edge of the ceramic cup to his lips and takes a small sip. The liquid sears his tastes buds and tears make their way up to the edges of his eyes as he struggles to swallow. It burns all the way down.

"Uh," Rin has her jaw dropped, "It was really hot. You should probably let it cool..." Then suddenly her face lights up. "Aha! I know what will help it. Hold on a moment."

Shizuo blinks and glances down at the dark brown liquid swirling in the mug he is holding, at which point he notices that said mug has a decorative heart painted upon it. It would be embarrassing but he is rather captivated by the intricate design.

"I painted that mug myself." Suddenly Rin is back with an empty spoon in her hand. Wait, empty?

_Plop..._

He glances back down into his cup and notices that, swirling in the hot chocolate is a small chunk of melting vanilla ice cream. His brows furrow. Ice cream in hot chocolate? Suddenly he gives Rin a questioning look.

"I hate the texture of marshmallows. Isn't ice cream better? It gives it a creamy taste. I promise it's good – not like that cake." For some reason she seems intent on reiterating what a catastrophe she seems to believe that cake was, and while he can't say it was good, Shizuo thinks the important thing is the effort she put in it.

Regardless, he chances another sip and this time is silently delighted at the new sweet flavors that intermingle in his mouth. A small piece of the ice cream slides across his tongue and numbs his taste buds with a creamy, silky flavor that he can't help but admit he likes. (Perhaps it has something to do with ice cream being a dairy product but Rin isn't aware of his penchant for milk and its likeness.)

"So..." she is pressing her index fingers together, averting her eyes. It's a little strange to see Rin acting bashful. "Do you know how to cook, Heiwajima?"

He thinks about this for a moment. Cooking... "Ramen," the blonde-haired man says suddenly.

Those green eyes of hers blink at him and suddenly she breaks out into a fit of giggles. "Ramen? That's not cooking, Heiwajima!" And yet, even though she is laughing at his expense, he can't help but feel a little glad to see her smiling again. It is much more comfortable than seeing her cry. He recalls that it felt like a hand was twisting his heart so tightly that his whole chest felt heavy when he saw her tears. Shizuo hopes to never see that again. Especially since he always feels awkward when girls cry.

At last he can see the bottom of the mug. Most of the hot chocolate that he has spent the last minute or two sipping away it is almost gone. He stares at it somewhat wistfully, as though the intensity of his gaze might summon more.

"What kind of things do men like to eat?"

It seems like a strange question to ask and yet Shizuo suspects she has a good reason for it. But perhaps it is because he does not particularly think of himself as a man (more of a... monster) that he feels he cannot successfully answer her question. "I don't know..." So he resorts to something vague.

She twirls around and reaches for an open cookbook sitting on the counter by the stove. Rin thumbs through the pages and then turns toward him with a mischievous grin that he doesn't think he has ever seen her wearing before. "How about..." then she thrusts the book right into his face, and it is only a blur of coalescing colors that swirl together in his vision until he can't discern one from the other. He thinks – and he isn't sure – that there was a strawberry on something that resembled a pastry. Shizuo confirms this when his vision finally stabilizes and he's able to lean far enough back to get a better look.

"Seems a little complicated," he tells her honestly. Not that he has any complaints about sweets; they're his favorite, after all.

Rin gives him an apprehensive eye brow raise with that disarming, wry smile of hers. "Two heads are better than one, right? Even two people who can't cook should be able to make something together. Like in math, you know – two negatives multiplied together are a positive, right?"

Once again he isn't sure if this is an accurate comparison and more or less seems like a disaster in the making but he gives a tentative, "Yeah," in agreement.

"Right, if I can make this," she taps her finger against the picture, still holding the book up toward him, "then I can make anything. This is complicated. This is something that requires finesse and talent. It's the same way in art." While it is true that art and cooking are similar in many ways, Rin fails to realize the distinct differences between the two. (Which may have something to do with the reason why she keeps concocting tasteless failures in the kitchen.)

Shizuo still isn't quite sure how he has been conned into coming to her house on the weekend, let alone how he has been coaxed into cooking _with_ her. Perhaps it has something to do with his own guilty conscience. His lips moved before his mind could think when she was crying and he made the offer.

He rubs the back of his neck. "So, uh... how are we going to make this?" Frankly, he doesn't have the first clue about cooking either.

"Well," Rin responds unevenly, her confidence faltering as she lowers the book to inspect the recipe. Her eyes are bulging as she mumbles something to herself, "That much sugar? This goes against my diet..."

Then, somehow, before either one of them knows it, they are working together to mix ingredients into the bowl. Shizuo is still about as clueless as before as to what they are doing and what this powdery white stuff is supposed to be – she called it flour? While he is fixated on it, he notices suddenly that she is breaking an egg into the bowl. Somehow the broken yolk swirls in with the flour and as she stirs the two together they begin to mix into a soft golden color that reminds him of autumn.

"How many eggs? Was it only one?"

He stares at her blankly then cranes his neck to reference the book. "Two," Shizuo tells her after he checks. Then suddenly he notices, as he glances over at her, that Rin has a streak of flour across the bridge of her nose. A smile cracks on his face.

"What?" Rin asks him with furrowed brows, noticing the strange look he is giving her from the corner of her eye. She is still ardently whisking the ingredients in the bowl together, pausing only for the briefest of moments to add something – like sugar, vanilla, or a pinch of salt.

"Flour... on your nose," he mumbles as he tears his gaze away to peer back at the book. "You added too much sugar."

Suddenly the hand clasping the mixing spoon freezes and she glares over at him. "Did I really?" That sour look on her face spells out her displeasure at hearing that, barely into the first stages of cooking the pastry, she has already ruined the recipe.

Shizuo nevertheless gives her a reluctant nod. "It was only two cups. You added five."

Rin's bottom lip sticks out as she breathes out in frustration. The air ruffles the bangs on her forehead. "More sugar won't ruin it, right? It'll just make it sweeter, won't it?" She seems to be trying to convince herself.

"Maybe-"

"No, never mind, I don't want to repeat the mistake from yesterday. Let's start over."

It seems such a waste, but Rin doesn't hesitate to dump the contents of the mixing bowl into the trash, scraping the sides to make sure it is thoroughly cleaned out. As she is working, he catches a glimpse of the burn on her hand, partially covered in bandages that he hadn't noticed earlier. "Did you get that from yesterday?" he asks quietly.

Perhaps it is because she thinks he will blame himself if she answers yes that instead, with a taut smile she says, "Nope. This is from this morning. Even teachers are clumsy, you know." The expression on her face tells him that she is lying. Rin is about as unconvincing as he is when she tries to fib about things.

But even Shizuo can appreciate the reason for her dishonesty. There is still something he finds himself curious about as they return to the task of 'project pastry version two-point-o.' He feels awkward asking but for some reason he simultaneously feels compelled to do so. "Were you crying because... I didn't come yesterday?"

"No," she answers abruptly with a phantom of a smile on her face as she cracks open a new pair of eggs and dumps them in the bowl. Those emerald eyes of hers are fixated on the sugar that she is pouring in and stirring up with the yolks. "Say, Heiwajima, do you know a student named Izaya Orihara?"

His shoulders stiffen. "I-za-ya?" Shizuo sounds out each syllable with a bitter voice. His fists clench unconsciously at his sides.

"The two of you are in the same year, so I thought maybe you would... But he's in my art class and since you don't take art... Well, that's not really the point." She is rambling on like she always does, and with every sentence her expression seems to change from the usual blithe one she usually wears to one that is downcast. It eventually stops somewhere in between as she solemnly peers sidelong at Shizuo. "Is it... obvious?"

For a moment the blonde blinks, unable to register what it is she is referring to. "Is what obvious?"

Leaning against the counter with her arms, she hangs her head. The locks of her hair tumble across her shoulder and hang precariously just inches from the inside of the bowl. "Can you tell what I'm thinking?"

"No," he answers honestly, not understanding the point of the question.

A small smile works its way up onto her lips. "Really? That's good. I don't want to be read like an open book..." For a moment her voice trails off then she looks at him, her eyes imploring. "Heiwajima, what do you think when you look at me? How do you see me?"

Another question that he doesn't grasp and yet Shizuo thinks that, somehow, he does get the reason she is asking. Undoubtedly it has to do with something Izaya said – sneaky flea. The blonde reminds himself that a certain dark-haired schoolmate needs to be _crushed_ by a traffic sign on Monday.

But that isn't what is important right now; he can see Rin's eyes desperately searching his eyes as she waits for an answer. Shizuo has never seen her look so vulnerable before, except perhaps when she was crying. It seems strange that he is forming some kind of bond with a teacher – someone who throws him in detention and yells at him for fighting all the time. He can't figure out what's going on, the pacing between them always throws him off.

So instead of debating what answer would be acceptable or how he is going to kill Izaya once and for all, he just says what's on his mind. "I see you." It is a vague answer and initially seems to confuse Rin with its simplicity. "Being good at art, being bad at cooking, having your hair up or down, having an old beat up car..." his voice trails off and he scratches the back of his head. "Those things aren't you."

"Then what is?" She averts her eyes to the mixing bowl. One of the unbroken yolks seems to stare up at her, a vague outline of her reflection noticeable in the orange membrane.

"A person who puts a lot of effort into what she wants, that has faith in others." It seems odd to sum up his thoughts about a person into one sentence. Despite the little bit of time he has known Rin, Shizuo still thinks there has to be more he can say and yet his mind goes blank when he tries to think about her other qualities. It is difficult for him to differentiate who she is from what she does at school. Being the teacher doesn't make the person; the person makes the teacher.

There is a curtain of hair hanging across the side of her face and since he can't see her expression and she isn't saying anything, Shizuo immediately begins to believe that perhaps he has said something wrong. Yet the moment he opens his mouth to try to explain himself, she speaks. "Is that what you see?" her voice is unusually somber but he sees that, as she turns her head to glance over at him, a smile has cracked on her face. "I think I must have you fooled, Heiwajima."

And with that the two of them get back to their cooperative cooking. Shizuo assists in reading the recipe book – more times than he can count, in fact, since Rin is so intent on triple-checking everything. She insists she doesn't want waste any more ingredients.

When at last the pan is filled with the batter they have made, Rin meticulously slips it onto the rack in the oven and gingerly closes the door after. Then she pauses, closes her eyes like she is going to pray and crosses her fingers. "Please let this one turn out!"

_Ring, ring!_

Suddenly the sound of the phone chimes into the background and interrupts the placid look on Rin's face. Her lashes flutter as she whips around and nearly trips over her own feet as she scrambles to the phone. "Phone, phone, phone," she chants as she scans the trash-covered counter. When at last she spots it, grabs it and just before it rings for the final time, she manages to press the receiver to her ear and answer. "Hello?"

While she is preoccupied chatting animatedly on the phone, Shizuo takes the opportunity to peer through the glass pane on the front of the oven. It is darkly shaded but he can still see the creation they made together – a confection of ingredients he has scarcely seen before in his life – and it lifts the corners of his lips at least a smidgen as he watches. It is strange, he thinks, to find himself baking something. Baking requires patience, something that he scarcely has.

"Yeah, I'm having a good weekend. Actually, I'm working on my cooking – I told you, I'll be a pro by the time you come home."

He slowly peers back at Rin, who is wearing a smile that brings out her femininity and when she talks, she seems to giggle. It is a side of her that he has yet to see, a side that seems to outline the fact that, although she is a teacher, Rin is _definitely_ a girl. (Most might be skeptical after seeing the way she eats, but Shizuo isn't exactly aware of the kind of manners that society expects women to have.)

"My car?" she hesitates for a moment, and almost unconsciously her eyes wander to Shizuo. The smile that had been on her face just moments ago falls into a slight frown. But just as she had earlier, Rin employs her dishonesty for the sake of the other person. "Yeah, it's running just fine. Don't worry, I've been saving up money for a new one with my wages."

From the bit of distance between the two of them, Shizuo can barely make out the sound of the person on the other end of the line. It is definitely a man, and judging from Rin's disposition, Shizuo can easily guess that it must be her significant other.

Suddenly the brown-haired girl twirls around until her back faces Shizuo and she speaks in a quieter voice, perhaps hoping that he won't eavesdrop on the conversation. "Say, Akira, can you tell what I'm thinking?" It's the same exact question she posed against Shizuo earlier.

Although not normally very interested on other people's business, he can't help but wish he could hear the answer. (Maybe he wants to compare it to his own – he isn't sure, it's a silly notion. Unlike Rin's signifcant other—Akira apparently is his name—Shizuo hasn't known her long enough to be able to see what's in her head.)

"Ah, yeah, it is a silly question." There is a wistful look on her face, lips devoid of any distinct curve, but Shizuo can't see it from where he is standing behind her. "Will you humor me and let me ask you one more?"

Brown eyes stare into her back as Shizuo listens to the conversation, although he knows it would be more respectful to perhaps leave the room, but he also thinks that if she doesn't want him to hear then she would be the one to leave. The phone in her hand is cordless and Rin can easily leave if she is worried about him eavesdropping.

"Right, you're really busy. Sorry to bother you." He thinks she is going to hangup now, but she hesitates. "Oh, you'll be home earlier than expected? That's great news." Somehow, she doesn't sound that happy about it. But she does, at last, end the conversation – surprisingly, perhaps, without even so much as an 'I love you.'

By the time she has put the phone away and turned back toward Shizuo, Rin is wearing that smile of hers. It seems completely artificial but he feels that for the sake of her pride, he will allow himself to be fooled by it.

"How long is it going to take to bake?"

Suddenly her eyes widen. "I... forgot to set the timer."

So they spend the next thirty minutes literally planted in front of the oven, constantly peering in to check on the pastries they're attempting to make. Shizuo eventually slumps against one of the cabinets and sits down. Rin soon does the same and they sit side-by-side. The silence that accompanies them is comfortable, although it doesn't last long.

"I need to call a repair shop," Rin mumbles to herself as she hunches over, arms wrapped around the base of her shins. Shizuo notices that there are light, barely noticeable circles beneath her eyes. It seems like he is not the only one that has been losing out on sleep recently. She sighs. "Won't it get done soon?"

And as they sit there waiting, the blonde notices that Rin is beginning to nod off. Her head lulls forward and jerks up suddenly, again and again until it seems like she can't fight off sleep anymore. It is a little amusing, he must admit, since he has never seen a teacher in this light before. But the moment she does finally fall unconscious, her body slants toward him and eventually her head bumps the side of his shoulder as she leans against Shizuo.

He sits rigidly, unsure of how to react in this kind of situation. Part of him says that he should wake her and remind her of the hard work she put into the to-be pastries that are still in the oven cooking and will soon burn if she doesn't tend to them. Another part – the dominating one in this case – tells him that maybe he doesn't want to move.

Even against whatever strange sense of desire that is trying to influence him, he gently reaches over toward her. For a moment he hesitates, wondering whether or not it's okay to nudge her shoulder. Maybe he is afraid that, like most of the things he touches, she will break. A silly notion, he realizes, because Rin doesn't look at all fragile like those skinny-as-a-pin-needle girls in his class.

Once he manages to make up his mind that he won't, in fact, break her, Shizuo manages to tentatively tap her shoulder. The soft motion brings about no reaction as, instead, she nuzzles up against him. He swallows hard.

"Takemori-sensei?" his voice is little above a whisper, no wonder she doesn't react. So he grabs her shoulder, ready to shake her a little more forcefully when suddenly he hears her murmuring something just beneath her breath.

"Akira..." It's the name of the person she was talking to on the phone – person he assumed to be her significant other. Was she dreaming of him? Shizuo's hand shrinks back to his side and he looks away from her.

His eyes slide shut as he sits beside Rin, still wondering how he was conned into this kind of predicament. It seems odd to be sitting in a teacher's house. (Maybe that's because most of his teachers _hate_ him and think he's a monster.) Somehow it seems like he is always getting caught up with Rin and while he can't say he particularly dislikes it, there is something about it – like a feeling of wrongness that overcomes him every time. A quiet voice in the back of his head tells him he shouldn't be doing this. But as far as he knows, there is no rule that dictates that students and teachers can't hangout.

Preoccupied thinking about it, Shizuo forgets about what is cooking in the oven and slowly drifts off. His head rolls to the side, chin resting upon the top of Rin's head as he sleeps quietly beside her. Time trickles away slowly and yet while both are resting peacefully, the food they have labored to make is starting to burn.

It isn't until smoke starts billowing out of the oven and a distinct _burning_ smell followed by the fire alarm suddenly screeching, that Rin finally jolts awake. "Oh no!" she shrieks as she leaps to her feet, headbutting Shizuo right in the jaw in the process. Both of them are stunned by it and while she hunches over, holding the top of her head saying, "Owww," Shizuo acts completely unaffected.

"It's burning?" he asks obliviously.

After she finishes silently crying to herself about the bruise forming on her head, Rin fishes for an oven mitt from one of the nearby drawers. Once she finally gets it, she fumbles to try to get it onto her hand, but Shizuo snatches it from her.

"You burned yourself before, I'll do it..." He turns his back to her and uses the mitt himself to retrieve the charcoal-colored confections. After closing the door of the oven, he sets the pan onto the stove.

Rin follows after him anxiously, turning the knobs on the front of the oven to shut it off before coming to his side to survey the damage. "They're ruined," she sighs in disappointment. One way or another, she gets the feeling that she _really_ isn't meant to ever cook anything. Ever.

Shizuo gazes at her sidelong and reaches over, laying his palm across the top of her head. "We can try again tomorrow."

Confused, she furrows her brows back at him. "We? You mean, you'd be willing to waste another day of your weekend helping me?"

He awkwardly averts his gaze from her. "Ah, I don't mind..."

"Really?" she smiles at him.

* * *

**Author's Note:** This is the fluffiest work I've ever written. Next chapter will be present-day again. Hope you guys enjoyed. :)


	7. Decision Point

**Chapter 07 ; Decision Point**

There is something beeping. He is sure there is something beeping _loudly_. What is that confounded noise? Doesn't it – the beeping thing – know that he is trying to sleep? If it knows, then it probably is trying to wake him up intentionally. That means it must be prepared for the consequences of rousing him in the wee hours of the morning.

From out of nowhere his hand shoots out from the comforter and - _**SMASH**_ - the alarm clock is suddenly in pieces scattered across the floor and his bedside table. Shizuo turns over contentedly, pressing his face against the soft fabric of the pillow. It feels so comforting... But now there is something bright shining in his eyes. If it's shining in his eyes, then it must know that...

Wait. That must be the sun. He peeks his eyelid open, and sure enough those amber rays peering in from the slightly parted curtains of his window are signaling that it is morning. (Which means he just destroyed a perfectly good alarm clock, but this is yet another one of his daily routines, so it doesn't faze him.)

As he lifts himself out of bed, he still feels a little groggy. Shizuo gazes around the room blearily as he slowly heaves himself onto his feet. He stumbles a little on the way to his bathroom but fortunately doesn't crash into anything. Once he's standing over the counter-top, he slumps against it, both hands positioned on either side of the sink. Weary, he peers up into the mirror. It reflects an all too familiar image since he reunited with Rin and encountered Izaya.

There are dark circles beneath his eyes – probably from lack of sleep – and the stubble across his chin and upper-lip has darkened noticeably. The hair on his head is tousled and greasy. He hasn't seen the shower in _two_ days since Rin ran out without giving the explanation he desperately needed. In fact, he hasn't seen much of anything beyond the four walls of his bedroom. (Well, he did see a full carton of cigarettes emptied.) He probably smells like smoke but that's nothing new. It is only fortunate that Tom was understanding enough to allot those two days off without questioning anything.

Shizuo heaves a sigh and then sheds his clothes before stepping into the shower. Somehow he manages to turn the dial to cold and before he knows it, the chilly water is crashing over his bare skin. "Cold!" he wails, hastily reaching toward the knob to adjust it, but then he pauses. _Cold. _That word echoes in his mind and he knows why. The memory of her pouring cold water over him. And maybe it is because he doesn't want to remember that he changes the temperature hastily and takes his shower like normal, even though it doesn't _feel_ normal. In fact nothing has felt normal since they met up again.

Regardless, he is done soon enough with his shower and steps out. Water drips across the floor but he doesn't seem to care. Since his mind has been so preoccupied, he forgot to get a towel. So he lurches out into the hallway and retrieves one before stalking back into the bathroom. His normal morning routine ensues; he lathers up his face with shaving cream and removes every inch of hair (well, except the hair on his head of course) and then proceeds to brush his teeth. After he's all finished with hygiene, it's on with the bartender suit, on with the shoes, grab his house keys and cigarettes, then off into the city for work.

"Did you get enough sleep?" Tom asks blankly the moment he spots his partner (bodyguard).

Shizuo shoves his hands into the depths of his pockets and merely offers the brown-haired man a shrug, "I'm fine."

The man in the snazzy suit doesn't seem entirely convinced but he gives a small nod. "Alright, then let's get to it." And with that they are off, marching through the streets and making an occasional stop to hound on someone with a debt to pay them. If they don't acquiesce and fork it over, things go flying. (Namely any appliances in the area, though quite frequently it happens to be the person themselves.) This is normal. This is how things always are. This is how they should stay – at least, that's what Shizuo tells himself.

Surprisingly, the day doesn't seem as eventful as it usually does. People are paying up and Shizuo is so distracted by his thoughts that he is a little delayed at throwing things when they don't. Time passes by quickly and for that he is _not_ grateful. The longer he spends out here with Tom doing his job, the less time he has to think. Granted that, at the moment, working isn't providing much of a distraction. His thoughts are being the distraction.

"...to the bar?"

He blinks. Tom was speaking? Shizuo wasn't really listening. "Eh?" he responds glumly.

Tom stares back at him. "Not listening?" he guesses easily. Then he heaves a sigh. "Work is over now." Which should be obvious because the sun is already starting to set. "I'm going to the bar now. You can join me." An invitation he frequently gives Shizuo but one that is always declined. The bitter taste of alcohol can't compare to dairy after all – Shizuo would be happier drinking milk than liquor.

But this time – this time it could be the distraction he needs. When you drink, all the feelings and thoughts swirling around inside you suddenly disappear. Everything becomes numb and all you can do is bask in the bliss of being tipsy. It sounds like a great escape and before he can even think to say no, the word yes has already passed through his lips against his better judgment.

Once they are at the bar, any second thoughts are swept away after a few shot glasses of vodka. It burns as it goes down and leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. The bartender passes by him and refills his glass, but Shizuo just looks blearily over at Tom who is still throwing them back and he can't help but think that if he drinks another, it'll be coming up pretty quick.

"So, Shizuo." Tom turns his gaze over to his partner, his eyes slightly narrowed. "There is obviously something on your mind. Whazzup?" His words are slurring together a bit, and judging by how he tilts from side to side, he has definitely had a few too many. Shizuo wonders if perhaps he's an alcoholic.

It's not their first time drinking together but Shizuo doesn't come very often. "Nothing," he lies back to Tom, even though he knows that his friend can read him well enough to know that it _is_ something.

"Must be about your brother," he says out of nowhere. Not that his guess is without merit; Kasuka is one of the only people that Shizuo truly cares about.

"Actually," Shizuo starts to say, but the sound of a glass slamming against the counter nearby interrupts him.

"Bartender, give me another." It's a woman's voice and he can already tell by the way her words run together that she is well past tipsy. When he glances over at her, all he sees is a curtain of red hair shading her face as she leans forward on her stool. Her head is tipped downward and she seems to be rubbing her temples.

"It doesn't have anything to do with Kasuka." He mutters the words as he stares down at his alcohol, rocking from side to side in between his hands. Shizuo's eyes follow the liquid, which swirls around in circles.

From out of the corner of his eye, Shizuo can see Tom give him a vague nod. "Go on," he encourages.

In the background Shizuo can hear the bartender arguing with the woman, who he only saw a brief glimpse of. They are speaking in hushed whispers to each other and he isn't sure why he is eavesdropping – maybe it's because he is sitting so close, but he can hear everything that they are saying. The bartender is telling her, "Look, didn't you say you were getting married soon? This is a happy time. Don't be drowning whatever sorrows you have here. Go home to the man you love. If you have problems with him then talk to him."

"I'm paying you," she bites back bitterly. "Just give me another one on the rocks." The sound of her voice is desperate, pleading.

Maybe the reason Shizuo is so in tune to everything else going on around him – the footsteps, a chair rocking, the hum of the television as the news plays in the background, and the quiet chatter between other people seated at some tables just a few feet away – is because he doesn't want to think. The reason he let himself drink was so he wouldn't think, but now he is thinking again. Tom is asking him to think.

There is a dull ache in his forehead now and he isn't sure if it's because of the alcohol or all of the _thinking_ he has been doing. "I don't feel so great," he mumbles suddenly. Maybe it's time to go home. He can crash and hopefully have a dreamless sleep. No more memories of the past, no more nightmares of her. That sounds good.

"What's bothering you so much that you keep drinking?"

"The past," she whispers, and her words are like a phantom that chills Shizuo to the bone.

He cranes his neck to look back over at her. There is a lump in the back of his throat. Is he imagining this? Maybe it's just the alcohol. Why is she talking like she knows his thoughts? Did he fall asleep? Is this a nightmare too?

"Something terrible..."

_"...monster."_

"...It hurt so badly..."

_"...a monster."_

"...couldn't stop crying..."

_"You're a monster."_

"...just want it to go away..."

_"You're a monster!"_

The voice screaming inside of his head seems to explode and he just can't take it anymore. Shizuo bolts from his stool without speaking a word to Tom. He lurches toward the door, stumbling as everything around him sways. Why is it haunting him? Why is it following him? This must be a dream. There is no way she would ever get married, there is no way she would ever send him an invitation, there is no way he would ever fight with Kasuka... No way she would pop up again out of nowhere, smiling at him as though none of it ever happened. A dream, it's just a dream!

It's raining out he notices suddenly as he is traipsing down the street. His vest is soaked right through to his shirt and he can barely see because his hair is sagging down into his eyes. It feels so cold and so wet. But somehow he doesn't care. Then suddenly-

_**Bump.**_

He walks right into someone, but he offers no apology for it. Instead he wanders off after listening to a few select obscenities being screamed right into his face. Normally he would send that person flying or grab the vending machine that was sitting right nearby. For some reason he didn't. It's the alcohol, he tells himself, that's what is messing with his brain.

Eventually he makes it back to his apartment and clambers up the steel steps. Beneath the weight of his feet it shakes and sways, though he doesn't seem to notice. He makes it up to the top step and keeps his head down as he trudges toward his door. His entire body is shivering from the cold.

"Heiwajima-san?"

A voice – a familiar one is calling out to him. He is sure he has heard it before, and so he lifts his head. The moment he does, he regrets it. "Takemori," he mutters back incoherently, his feet frozen in place.

Those soft green eyes of hers are staring back at him. It's the first thing he notices. "You're soaked to the bone," she observes quietly. That's not really what he wants to hear coming from her lips, but it beats something else that she could say...

_"You're a monster."_

His hands twitch at his sides and he averts his eyes from her. "What do you want?" Shizuo doesn't try to play polite because he is too tired, too drunk, and sees no point in beating around the bush. Maybe it is because he is in a bad mood, or maybe it is because this is simply the kind of person that he is.

"I'm sorry to visit again out of nowhere, when I ran away last time. Are you... angry?" An absurd question; Shizuo almost chokes on a laugh. It tastes bitter, worse than all of that vodka he downed not even an hour ago. And maybe it is because of the distinct smell of liquor on his breath, or the way he is swaying from side to side as he stands there, that Rin seems to notice he has been drinking. "Were you... working as a bartender? I thought you were a bodyguard?"

Another inane question and in his stupor, he finds himself unable to answer. The words, _"You're a monster," _just seem to be echoing in the back of his head. Where are his cigarettes? Ah – his pocket – he tucks his hand in and retrieves the box, only to find that it has also been soaked by the rain. But Shizuo is desperate and so he grabs one of the waterlogged cigarettes and places the butt between his lips. It sags.

"There is something I really wanted to talk to you about. About the past, between you and I – and Orihara..."

It is bad enough to have one phantom of his past standing before his eyes, but to hear her mention the other one just makes his blood run cold. "Izaya?" he snarls back, drawling out each syllable deliberately. The name just pisses him off. Shizuo's teeth grind against the butt of the cigarette and the water from it drains in his mouth. The bitter taste rolls across his tongue and he spits it out. "Leave," he tells her bluntly as he moves forward, stepping on the fallen cigarette. Shizuo reaches into his pocket to retrieve his key but she catches his arm with her hand.

"There is no amount of apologizing I could do to make it better after those words I said to you." Even though he doesn't want to hear it, doesn't want to listen to her mention anything about the past – especially about those words she spoke to him – she is doing it anyway. Why does she have to bring up these things when he has mulled over them for days? When someone in a bar had to remind him of the bitterest of his memories? Why does Rin have to drudge up the past?

The world seems to twist and turn around him, blurred in his vision as he turns to look at her. Even Rin's face is distorted. "Stop talking," is what he wants to say – is what he thinks he says, but it doesn't come out that way. Instead he speaks her name, absent of an honorific, "Rin." It rolls off of his tongue smoothly and it feels _nice _just to say it again.

There is a sorrowful look in those eyes and he thinks, bitterly, that it looks like she is pitying him. But then his gaze wanders down to where she is still gripping his forearm, and he notices that he can feel the warmth of her fingers even through the soaked, thin sleeve that separates their skin from touching.

"You'll catch a cold." Her words draw him back to reality, as much as possible when he is almost completely smashed. "If you don't want to talk to me, I can leave, but please get yourself in and get changed."

Now she sounds like she cares, like she would be worried if he got sick. Shizuo turns rigidly back toward his front door. She releases his arm and he is finally able to insert his apartment key into the deadbolt lock. Before he can even register what is happening, he steps inside and has left the door open for Rin to welcome herself in, which she does.

"Where are your towels?" she asks him.

And he can only shrug as he finds the wall and slumps against it. Everything is spinning so rapidly that he can't keep up anymore. Shizuo begins to wonder just how many shots of vodka he downed before he realized that he was beyond the point of being tipsy. Now he just feels lethargic and numb – numb like he wanted to be, but it doesn't matter how much he drinks now because Rin is here, in his apartment.

"I'll be right back." She has already taken off her shoes and he watches her sock-clad feet tap against the floor as she drifts down the hallway. Then before he knows it she is back with a few towels, one of which she unfolds and throws over the top of his head.

Shizuo reaches his hand up to try to dry off his hair, but it doesn't matter because Rin is already doing it for him. He wants to say something, thinks he should say something, but no matter what words seem to build up at the back of his throat, they don't seem to want to come out.

When she is standing this close, he can smell her perfume too, a distinct scent that reminds him of peaches. He closes his eyes and focuses on the scent. His mind and body are so tired that he thinks he is starting to drift off but then all of a sudden his eyelids blink open again. Between the time when he closed them and opened them again, Shizuo isn't sure how much time passed but he knows Rin is still diligently try to dry him off.

He reaches up and grabs her wrist. "Enough," he breathes out in a quiet voice as finally she stops. Even though he is so drunk that he can barely tell what is going on, barely knows that it is reality instead of a dream, he still wants her to leave.

"You're not a monster," she says suddenly – out of nowhere, it seems.

Shizuo flinches and unwillingly lets go of her wrist. She resumes her endeavor as his chin dips down. Those words, ones that he perhaps always wanted to hear, seem to do little more than elicit a sting of pain in the pit of his stomach. "Doesn't mean anything," he tells her vaguely in a slurred voice.

"I always wanted to tell you that."

His lips twitch into a frown. "Are you taking back what you said back then?"

Suddenly she pauses and it gives him a moment to peer up into those green eyes of hers. Now Rin is the one frowning. "Even if I wanted to, I could never take back what I said back then. I had to say those words, I can't regret them. I wish I didn't have to say them, wish I could change things I did back then that led to that point."

"Would have been better... if we had never met..." His thoughts turn into words.

"Is that what you think?" The expression she is giving him now is unreadable. "Do you wish we had never met?"

Shizuo isn't sure how he wants to respond, all of his thoughts are in a bunch and he is so drunk that he can't figure out what is right, what is wrong – how he truly feels and the bitterness that has welled up inside him over the years. So he just sits there, his back pressed against the wall as he stares up at her wordlessly.

Rin seems to give him a knowing nod. "It's okay, if that's how you feel... Remember when I told you that everyone has a reason for doing the things they do? I know what I said was cruel and it's unfair for me to tell you this now and to ask you to believe it without explanation, but I had a reason."

"Then tell me." He says it like it is the simplest thing in the world, and to Shizuo, it is.

The brown-haired woman seems to have a different opinion on things as she merely averts her gaze and heaves a sigh. "There is no purpose in it now. Maybe I'm being a coward again... But if I tell you, it won't change anything, and honestly, I'm afraid."

"Afraid?" Shizuo echoes the word as though he doesn't believe it. What does she have to be afraid of? Why is she speaking such cryptic words, beating around the bush and offering no explanation for what she means or anything about the past? He is utterly confused.

"Orihara is the one who sent you the invitation..." She seems to swallow hard, rubbing her arm nervously. It creates a few wrinkles in the long-sleeve shirt she is wearing. "Somehow it seems like he is up to something again. Why else would he reappear? When I haven't seen him for all these years, hoped I would never have to see him again..."

"Up to something again..." Shizuo repeats that phrase as he catches on. "He did something before...?" His mind is in such a haze that it is difficult for him to think back to the past – a past he does not want to think back to in the first place.

Rin keeps her lips pursed and he thinks that for some reason she doesn't want to answer his question. "Let's get you back to your room," she tells him. In his hazy sight he can see her remove the towel from his head. It crumples onto the ground beside him.

For a moment he stares at her, at those grassy-green eyes. "Okay," Shizuo responds stiffly as he struggles to get up. The whole world is spinning and the moment he is on his feet, he stumbles and almost topples right over. But then Rin seems to come to his side knowingly, and although she is significantly shorter than he is, she manages to provide him with some support.

Leaning against her with an arm draped over her shoulder, Shizuo allows Rin to guide him back to the room. He barely notices when they arrive, because for whatever reason his bedroom suddenly seems unrecognizable. It isn't until he collapses onto his mattress which creaks and groans beneath his weight, and he is staring up at his ever-familiar ceiling, that he adjusts himself to the new surroundings.

"You need to change before you go to sleep," she tells him. Her voice sounds so far off for some reason.

"Rin." Once again her name seems to slide right off his tongue, his speech slurring from the alcohol. Strange to think the hulking, "most powerful" Shizuo is so easily defeated by something like liquor. "Your wedding... is when...?" He struggles with each word as though it is the biggest challenge in the world. But everything is spinning and he feels like throwing up.

"Next week." The answer is occupied by the sound of her opening the drawer to the nightstand by his bed. He doesn't know what she is looking for but imagines that it is probably his clothes, since she is so insistent on him changing. Shizuo is so inebriated he doesn't even think about the broken picture frame or the watch with the shattered clock-face that is sitting in there with the half burned, folded invitation.

But he also doesn't hear her rummaging through it. Maybe she didn't see it, he hopes. Then he catches the sight of her figure out of the corner of his eye, moving toward his dresser. She manages to fish out some casual clothing that, shockingly, is not another bartender outfit.

"Here," she says as she sets the folded clothes beside him. "If you want I can call your girlfriend to take care of you since you're drunk. It might not be good for you to be alone. How much did you drink? Too much?" There is a hint of worry in her voice, concern for his well-being.

A smile involuntarily forms on his lips from the notion. His girlfriend – of course that lie would come back to bite him. "I dun 'ave a girlfriend..." The words are all mashed together as his tongue lulls about lazily in his mouth and he can't even hardly form the sentence intelligibly.

There is a startled look on her face, eyes slightly widened like a deer caught in the headlights. "O-oh," she stammers, "I'm sorry..." Then she looks apologetic and it pisses him off a little but now that he feels so light and happy, his whole body tingly, he can feel the anger just ebb away into nothingness.

Before she can turn to leave and escape like she looks like she wants to, he reaches out and grabs her wrist. His grip is weak because, for whatever reason, he can't muster any strength thanks to the alcohol. "Weddin'," he breathes out in a mumble, "...'ll go."

"What?"

"I'll go..."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Late chapter is late. I have three exams and a paper due next week so not going to be doing much writing for a bit. Might be a while before I update again, but hope you enjoyed. :)


	8. Beneath the Piling Snow

**Chapter O8 ; Beneath the Piling Snow**

"His birthday is tomorrow, huh?" She is talking to herself again, standing beside the window and gazing out at the courtyard. The students have become accustomed to it, and Rin does not seem to notice herself mumbling throughout class. What she does notice is that the twenty-eighth of January happens to be a certain blonde-haired friend's birthday – and, it is a stretch to call them friends – but she figures it is the perfect opportunity to say "thank you."

So when she breaks for lunch period and all of the students scurry out of the room, she settles down on at that old desk of hers with the squeaky chair and happily eats the crunchy leftovers she baked the night before. (And no, they weren't _supposed_ to be crunchy, but she is still learning so there is nothing wrong with that!)

A sudden knock at the door breaks her out of her daydreaming, and she jerkily snaps to attention, going rigid. "Y-yes?" she stutters at the unexpected visitor, but immediately she finds herself relaxing when she sees that it is acting Heiwajima.

The blonde-haired teenager looks at her blankly before shuffling over to the windows. His feet drag noisily against the floor, and he pauses at the glass panels and sets his hand gently against the window pane. The way he gazes out, wistfully as though he wants to be out there, too, makes Rin curious.

"You never visit me at the classroom," she tells him with a happy smile as she takes the last bite of crunchy rice before setting the empty bento container aside. "Is there something wrong?"

He peers over at her with that bored look of his. "The door to the roof was locked." He says it like it is the most obvious thing – as though, of course he wouldn't come to her classroom if he had any other choice. It is a little disappointing, but Rin supposes that such is Heiwajima's nature.

"You aren't planning to try to smoke in my classroom, are you?" she asks with a pointed glare.

His hand, which seems to be wandering up to the pocket on his vest, where he no doubt has a package of cigarettes, suddenly stops. "Ah... That's right," he says to himself, as though he has forgotten that she doesn't like smoking.

"You should break that habit," she lectures, although she knows he doesn't want to hear it. Then, Rin pauses as she notices him sighing. The brown-haired teacher suddenly smiles wryly to herself. "You haven't eaten lunch, have you? Why don't you go to the cafeteria?"

"So noisy."

And she isn't sure whether he is talking about her or all of the people in the cafeteria. Rin leans back into her chair, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "I heard your birthday is tomorrow."

To this, Shizuo seems genuinely surprised, as those chocolate brown eyes of his eyes widen slightly. "Tomorrow?" he asks, as though he doesn't already know. "Ah, the twenty-eighth... Yeah." And while she expects such an anticlimactic response, he proves even more apathetic toward it than Rin anticipates.

Although she feels awkward asking, Rin ventures the question. "You don't have anything planned... do you?" She tries to frame it as offhandedly as possible – an inquiry spoken out of pure curiosity, not intention – and hopes he doesn't notice her underlying plans.

He stops to think about it for a moment. Does he have any plans? "No," he drawls after several minutes of pondering it, "No plans." Shizuo doesn't seem bothered by this, though – as expected, considering he doesn't even seem the least bit enthralled by the idea that tomorrow is supposed to be his birthday.

"Oh. Well, then, since you aren't busy... Come here after school." She adds a sugary sweet smile at the end, to try to seem extra convincing.

Shizuo, who seems about as perceptive as a brick, just shrugs at her. "Alright."

"Now, then... you should go to the cafeteria and eat. Sitting around a teacher's classroom for the whole lunch period isn't going to get you any food. I already finished all mine." Rin suddenly stands, skirt swaying around her knees as she circles around the desk and motions for Shizuo to leave.

Grunting in acknowledgment, the blonde-haired boy wanders away from the window – dropping his hand away from the glass. He ambles to the door, stuffing his hands into his pockets, and before he leaves, he casts a final glance back at her. "I didn't get detention today."

Rin isn't sure how to interpret this – what he seems to expect her to say in response. But finally she smiles at him. "I'm glad to hear it. Keep yourself out of trouble, Heiwajima."

He bobs his head in a nod before he disappears out into the hallway.

Once he leaves, Rin takes the remaining time to sort through some of the paperwork she has – documenting the "progress" of her students. Some are artistically challenged while others are creatively gifted, and it is this aspect of teaching – helping those who need it and encouraging those who don't – that she loves the most. She busies herself, getting ready for the next class that will come in after lunch, wistfully gazing out the window on occasion.

The day breezes by rather quickly. And it's either because she is in a particularly good mood or the students are just being cooperative, because everything seems to be going nicely. So when the day ends and it is time to pack her things away, Rin is wearing a goofy grin on her face. With a beat in her step, she heads out the door. Since her car is in the shop, she has been relegated to either taking a taxi or walking. (Frankly, the whole taxi bit is a little appealing because then her whole body doesn't ache afterward, but she isn't a penny pincher for nothing.) But for the first time, despite knowing the long walk ahead of her, she nearly skips down the stairs on her way to the bottom story.

It seems – and sure is she is must be – that Shizuo is loitering about the front gate. He seems to be pacing back and forth with a particularly pissed off look on his face. Immediately she wonders if he is getting ready to launch himself into another fight because of the way he seems to be clenching and unclenching his fists at his side.

"Heiwajima!" she calls out to him.

Startled by the sound of her voice, he jolts. There is a momentary look of shock on his face that quickly melts away as he averts his gaze and scratches at the back of his head. "Ah..." He seems to be struggling inwardly to think of what to say.

"Did something happen?" Rin inquires curiously, stopping just short of where he's standing to crane her neck, trying to peer into his eyes. But he keeps avoiding her gaze. "Did you get into another fight after all? I thought you didn't get detention?"

"I didn't," he answers shortly with a frown.

Considering how vague he tends to be, Rin figures she won't get a clear answer by just waiting. So she starts taking guesses. "Did you forget something in school?"

He shakes his head.

"You're not waiting to take someone by surprise are you?"

The question seems to alarm him since his eyes widen suddenly. "What?" he asks, dumbfounded.

"It was a joke, Heiwajima," she tells him with a smile. "Ah! Wait... Could it be _that_?" Dramatically, the brown-haired teacher slaps her hand over her mouth. "Oh no, no, no... I wouldn't have thought. But that must be it."

He blinks at her quizzically. "What?" he repeats again.

Rubbing her lips together, Rin gives a short nod. "I am really proud of you, Heiwajima," she commends, reaching up at his hulking figure and offering him a pat on the shoulder. "You got yourself a girlfriend, huh? Or, wait... Maybe you haven't confessed yet."

The blonde-haired boy furrows his brows at her. "What are you talking about?"

"Hm, not it either, huh?"

Perhaps exasperated with her poor guessing skills, Shizuo finally says, "I was waiting for you."

Taken aback by this, she blinks rapidly. "Waiting for me?" Rin reiterates questioningly. It seems to be a little redundant, but somehow Shizuo never fails to take her by surprise. His exterior makes him seem gruff and yet on the inside he is anything but. She smiles to herself at the thought. "Was there something you needed?"

"You're walking home."

That doesn't really answer the question precisely, but it is so typical of Shizuo. Rin laughs – giggles is more like it, covering her mouth to try and hide the mirth on her face. "Your communication skills are lacking, Heiwajima. You have to learn be more direct. Otherwise you'll confuse a person."

He seems to take her words into account, forehead crinkling in contemplation. "More direct?" he says questioningly, but then seems to nod his head. "Last time I didn't walk you home. Shinra said I should. So I will." The way he explains is choppy and clumsy but endearingly so.

"That's really out of your way," Rin reminds him. "Anyways, what Shinra meant is that you should walk a girl home – like, after a date. I'm not a girl, Heiwajima, I'm a teacher."

Puzzled at her explanation, he frowns again. "You are a teacher," he agrees, "But you're still a girl."

It feels strange to hear someone say that to her. Maybe it is because of the extra weight or her inability to cook that makes he feel like she isn't a "real girl," but Rin is pretty sure her self-esteem has always been pretty deflated. Hearing Shizuo say that, even though he might be labeled as a delinquent, the fact that he refers to her as a girl brings a bit of relief to her unsteady heart. And she finds herself smiling – but this time, it is more like a sheepish grin. "Is that right? Well, I'm not sure how comfortable I feel hearing that from one of my students."

"I don't take art class," Shizuo protests.

"I'm still your teacher," she argues back. Then Rin pauses for a moment. "Do you dislike art?"

"I don't dislike art," he says quickly, although she isn't sure if he is saying that because it's the truth or because she is an art teacher. (Then again, Shizuo Heiwajima is anything but tactful, so Rin suspects he is being honest.) "I don't have the patience to draw."

Skeptical, Rin shakes her head in disbelief. "I don't think that's true. You may have a short fuse, Heiwajima, but drawing isn't something that requires patience. It just requires a creative mind and persistence. If you can swing a fist at an opponent, you can easily make a brush stroke on canvas. Art does not have to be 'beautiful,' it just has to reflect something with meaning."

This explanation of hers seems to go completely over his head. "Anyways," Shizuo says suddenly, changing the subject, "I'll walk you home."

Even though she is and always has been incredibly stubborn, Rin doesn't protest. Maybe it is because she thinks it is pointless to do so with Shizuo, or maybe it is because she actually feels a bit happy to have someone in her life willing to go so far. "Sorry to impose, but even though it is inconvenient for you, I appreciate it, Heiwajima."

The two begin to walk side-by-side, a little awkwardly, with Shizuo matching her pace so that Rin does not have trouble keeping up. He steals the occasional glance at her, and while she isn't sure if he is trying to seem inconspicuous, she catches his gaze several times. It seems like there is something on his mind, something unspoken. Rin figures that something is bothering him, something he hasn't mentioned, because she is pretty sure there is another reason for his waiting at the gate for her besides walking her home.

The silence is pervasive between them and for once, Shizuo seems displeased by it. Out of the corner of her eye, Rin catches him opening his mouth. And just as she thinks he is about to speak, he purses his lips again and averts his eyes. It is completely unlike Heiwajima and Rin begins formulating ideas in her mind – wild ones, surely – because she is trying to figure out what it is that he has to say before he even speaks his mind.

But it isn't until they are over halfway there that at last blurts something out. "Izaya," the names comes out strangled and the blonde-haired boy seems disgruntled about even speaking the name. "What did he say to you?"

The question seems to come out of nowhere and it takes Rin a few minutes to grasp what it is that Shizuo is getting at. "Oh, you mean before, what he said to me... That bothered me."

He gives an awkward nod. "Is he... Has he been... Nothing strange has happened?" Shizuo seems to be struggling with how to frame his question, though Rin isn't sure why. In fact, contrary to his normally calm demeanor, he seems almost panicky.

"Strange? What do you mean by strange?"

Unsure how to clarify, Shizuo proceeds clumsily with his wording, "Anything. Has he talked to you again? Has he been following you?" Then he pauses to peer around, as though Izaya might somehow have stalked them all this way.

Rin passes off his worries as paranoia. "I'm not sure what you mean," she tells Shizuo with a laugh. "Orihara is certainly an odd ball but he has been as... well, 'normal' in the class as you can get for someone of his nature. But no, he hasn't really talked to me lately. I certainly don't think he has been following me. I take it you don't get along with him, Heiwajima?"

He clicked his tongue. "I hate him." And it was the first time Rin had heard Shizuo use such strong language.

"Well, I won't say he is a very likeable character, but I think that's a bit..."

"You don't know him," Shizuo interrupted solemnly. "Keep your distance."

Although she knows it's a little inappropriate, Rin feels offended by the way Shizuo seems to be commanding her. She knows it is meant protectively, but that is exactly what bugs her. As a teacher, it feels like a direct declaration that Izaya Orihara is someone she can't handle. "Don't be silly," she tells him sternly, trying to suppress the boiling anger at the pit of her stomach. It feels strange, because she has never been particularly angry at Shizuo before, but the sting of hurt she felt moments ago from his words quickly turns.

"He isn't someone you can deal with by talking."

This time, Shizuo's words just worsen the situation. Even though she is supposed to be the older person, the adult, she finds herself disadvantaged. Rin isn't sure whether Shizuo is trying – because he probably isn't – to be condescending, but it certainly seems that way.

"What is that supposed to mean?" she says finally, seething.

Ever the oblivious one, Shizuo does not seem to notice. So he just remains steadfast with his vague suggestions. "Never let yourself be alone with him. Just keep away." Then, suddenly, he stops and says the one thing that Rin has never wanted to hear. "It might be better if you quit."

"Quit?" she echoes in disbelief, stopping suddenly in the midst of the sidewalk. All the oxygen seems to flood out of her chest as her mind goes reeling. Does that mean Shizuo thinks she is a bad teacher? Does he think she is incapable? The world seems to swirl around her. Why does it affect her so much? Why does she care so much about what Shizuo thinks?

"It would be safer that way," he explains, pausing to glance back at her.

Suddenly she clenches her hands into tight fists. "I don't know what you are on about, Heiwajima, but you seem to be under the impression that I am someone who needs protecting. I'm a teacher – I'm an adult. You're just a student. I've lived longer than you have, so I already know all these things. Stop telling me what to do!" At the end, she loses hold of her temper and finds herself bellowing the words at Shizuo.

Much to her surprise, he does not even seem taken aback by the fact that she has blown up at him. The chocolate-eyed teen just stares at her blankly. Then he repeats what he has said before. "You really don't know Izaya." And she can see he his own hands balled up into fists at his sides.

"I don't need you to tell me what I do and don't know, Heiwajima. Orihara is one of my students and however misguided he might be, I won't just abandon someone!" Rin glares at him and promptly stops past, but when he grabs her shoulder to stop her she nearly jolts in surprise.

"Just don't trust him."

Before she can turn around and give him a piece of her mind (again), Shizuo releases her shoulder. Then, although she does not turn her head, she can hear his footsteps that signal that he is leaving. To her, this seems to emphasize that the true object of his "walking her home" excuse was just to issue the unwarranted warning about Izaya. Frustrated that, for even a moment, she had thought that Shizuo genuinely wanted to walk her home, Rin traipses off. She curses under her breath but the tears of frustration well up in her eyes. It doesn't take long for them to spill over but she inwardly denies that she is crying. "I wouldn't cry over something like this," she tries to convince herself.

—

By the time she arrives at school the next morning, there are dark circles beneath her eyes and she feels more like a zombie than a teacher. Rin drags her body up the steps all the way into the classroom and this time she is the last to enter, just before the bell rings. All of the students seem taken aback by her disheveled appearance, but this actually proves to be to her benefit. (Since they too scared to misbehave – for once.)

Once the hour ends (and it goes by fairly quickly) who else but Izaya would decide to stride up to her desk with a pesky smirk on his face. "Sensei," he coos smoothly in that annoying voice of his. Perhaps annoying only because Rin remember him being the focus of her argument with Shizuo – which brings about the reminder that the class is quickly emptying and it will soon be just the two of them.

Her inner alarm goes off, if only because in the back of her mind, she finds herself subconsciously regarding Shizuo's warnings. But stubbornly, Rin suppresses the notion that there is anything dangerous about the person standing in front of her desk. Instead, she looks wearily up at him. "Orihara," she says tersely, "Do you need something?"

"Ahh, you really are in a bad mood."

Whether he is making fun of her or not, Rin isn't sure – nor does she care. "If you don't have something particularly important, Orihara, I ask that you please leave. I need to prepare for the next class. I don't have time to chat right now."

"How about after school?"

That question seems to wake her up to reality because Rin regards Izaya suspiciously. "What is it that you need to talk to me about, Orihara?"

Cunning as a fox, he responds, "You said you didn't want to talk about it right now. So let's speak after school. You have time, right, Sensei?"

The way he says 'sensei' seems less respectful and more like a sarcastic jab. Every alarm in her brain is going off, throwing on the brakes to try and dissuade her from saying yes. She's inwardly searching for any excuse she can to find a way out. After all, it's Shizuo's birthday – although they'd had a fight – it is all the more reason to find an excuse. But the moment she begins to think about Shizuo, she is reminded of the fact that he thinks her incapable of handling Izaya. So that backfires and she finds herself blurting out an answer unwittingly before thinking it over, "Sure, after school." Inwardly she berates herself for agreeing so easily, and at first she wants to take it back but Izaya is already halfway out the door by the time she thinks to renege on her word.

Well into her next class she finds herself having a mental battle in her head – one half of her is admonishing the other for not listening to Shizuo. Her other half is arguing that, as a teacher, she has the responsibility to listen to Izaya no matter the subject of conversation that he brings up.

Unwitting she finds herself looking up the clock. Rin is not sure why, if because lunch is fast approaching and she wonders whether Shizuo will visit the classroom, or if it is because she is dreading the time for school to end because it would mean a conversation with Izaya.

Either way, as much as she wishes she could will time to stand still, it is lunch before she knows it. All of the students flood out of the classroom in a hurry, scrambling off to the cafeteria. Left to her own devices, she paces back and forth behind her desk. Should she go up to the rooftop, she wonders, or would it be better to wait and hope Shizuo comes to see her?

The moment she catches herself worrying about it, she smacks her fist again her head. "Idiot, what's the point?" It's inappropriate to even think about, because they aren't even friends – they are just student and teacher. So why think about it? But then again, there is nothing wrong with being friends. That's right, she convinces herself, because they are _like_ friends, that's why she is upset. Strictly speaking, Shizuo would be her only friend. Aside from her ever-absent fiancee.

But she tries not to think about that as she settles down in her chair and reaches for her bento. Crunchy rice again, although since she is getting used to it, she has to admit that the texture has a certain something special about it. (Or maybe she is just trying to convince herself that the taste isn't so bad because that's indirectly admitting that there is no hope for her in cooking.)

While she slowly (unwillingly) stuffs her face, preoccupied with her own thoughts, she barely notices the door to the classroom sliding open. Ambling in is the ever-somber Shizuo, who makes an immediate beeline for the windows. He, surprisingly, does not even address Rin, even as she gazes over at him, eyes following him until he comes to a stop in front of the large glass panes.

"The rooftop is locked again?" she presumes in a quiet voice, tentative to even speak because the guilt over yesterday is eating her up inside.

He casually shakes his head with a simple, "I don't know."

"You didn't try?" Rin presses on curiously.

"I came here first," Shizuo answers, back still turned to her.

This seems to give the brown-haired woman some measure of comfort because she finds herself smiling again. "About yesterday..." she starts, fully intending to apologizes for blowing up at him. But then he cuts her short.

"Has he talked to you?" Immediately she knows that "he" is Shizuo's way of referring to Izaya.

It is liable to start a fight again if she answers honestly, and she knows it. So despite the knots twisting in the pit of her stomach, Rin lies. "No, he hasn't bothered me at all." And it's strange because she knows there is no reason to lie – because she is an authority figure and there is nothing wrong with talking to Izaya – but there is this sense of foreboding she gets from Shizuo that leaves her unable to speak honestly.

"Ah." His shoulders seem to fall slack as he breathes a sigh, "Good."

"A-Anyways," she stutters, trying not to seem too suspicious. "Since today is your birthday, after school – well, actually, I have something to do after school. But it shouldn't take long. So if you have time, just wait for me, okay?"

He glances over at her with those chocolate brown eyes of his and nods softly, "Okay." There even seems to be a slight crease in his lips, almost as though there is a little bit of a smile working its way up onto his face.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Slow updates are incredibly slow, sorry guys. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and since it's summer (at least it is after this week for me) I will be updating more frequently. At least that's the plan.

Anonymous reviewer - Thank you so much! Really, I can't tell you in words how much it meant to read your review. For a while I had thought that maybe the story or something about my writing was lacking because people didn't seem very interested. I know it is controversial; older woman, student-teacher relationship, added onto the fact that she is chubby. But I really love this story and enjoy writing it. It makes me happy to know that you have you enjoyed it. And your review wasn't lacking in the least - it really motivated me (not that you can tell by my slow updates, but I'm being honest!). So while I don't know who you are, know that I really appreciate the time you took to write that review for me.


	9. Never Too Late

**Chapter O9 ; Never Too Late**

"Hey, Heiwajima."

"..."

"Heiwajima."

It is a student that he does not recognize and it annoys Shizuo that some stranger is pestering him when he is supposed to be waiting for Rin. His eye twitches. And he is about to think about pounding the person that keeps calling his name, but just as he is about to get violent, the boy finally sputters out what it is that seems to be weighing on his mind.

"A call from the office... It was your brother. I think it was important."

Shizuo furrows his brows, because he knows that his younger sibling _never_ calls the school. But when considering that flea, Izaya, he cannot completely dismiss the matter either. (And he will kill Izaya – well, he will kill him anyways – if anything ever happens to Kasuka.) So he shoves his hands into his pocket and starts out the school gates. It weighs on his mind that Rin is still in her classroom and he is supposed to be waiting for her, but when comparing the importance of the two matters – Rin wanting to hang out and his brother being in trouble – it is easy to decide what to do.

So he shuffles down the street trying to sort through the possibilities. But eventually he becomes frustrated by how long it is taking him to get back home, so he starts speeding up, little by little, until he is literally flying down the street. A cloud of dust billows behind him as he nearly steamrolls several unsuspecting passersby. People either dodge him or are knocked down like bowling pins.

And he can't help but seethe the name, "Izaaayaaa!"

—

It is about the time that Rin finds herself shuffling through her desk drawer – trying to find a pen – when she hears the door to the classroom slide open. When she looks up, it is just as she has anticipated. There is wry smirk on Izaya's face as he glides up to her desk, hands sheathed in his pant pockets.

"So what is it that you wanted to talk about?" Rin asks, stone-faced. She tries to remain sober, forgetting the numerous warnings that Shizuo has issued. Instead, she gazes at Izaya with steely resolve, determined to make this fast. (After all, Shizuo is waiting for her. And the excitement is gnawing at her from the inside.)

"Sensei," he says smoothly as he averts his eyes, glancing down at the surface of the desk. Something seems to have caught his attention, and when he reaches for whatever it is, Rin's heart sinks to discover it is her engagement ring. She had taken it off earlier while painting to avoid anything splashing onto the diamond or the gold band. "There is something that has been weighing on my mind." He rolls the ring before his fingers, seeming to take great interest in it.

Swallowing back whatever reservation she still has, Rin continues to keep her gaze glued to him. "Something is bothering you, Orihara?"

His eyes flit up toward her and the smirk on his face only seems to grow. "That is what I said." Another vague answer as he gently sets down the ring, making a point to slide it over the surface of the desk and toward Rin. "Do you really love your fiancee a lot, Sensei? Is he everything you had hoped and dreamed for? Or is he lacking, just like this ring of yours?"

Insulted by his insinuations, Rin promptly slaps his hand away. "My home life is my business. I don't see why that should be weighing on your mind, Orihara. If you have a legitimate concern that I can help you address, then be out with it. Otherwise, I have an appointment."

"Appointment?" Of course he catches it with ease, and those eyes of his seem to have deciphered her hesitancy to disclose the word. Suddenly he retracts his hand from the ring. "Does it have anything to do with Shizu-chan?"

It is not surprising that the weasel suspects, considering that he also probably knows that it is Shizuo's birthday. Nonetheless, Rin does not have the time – or desire – to squander on mind games and useless chatter. So she shuts him down quickly. "If that is what you are so curious about, then yes. Now if you'll excuse me-"

"It's not just platonic, is it, Sensei?"

Just as she is reaching for the ring, Rin freezes. Those words cause her stomach to lurch as she swallows the lump in her throat. "Excuse me?" Her voice suddenly sounds hollow to her own ears as she looks uncertainly at Izaya, and he seems to recognize that he has brought down her defenses. As much as she tried to act strong, it has already crumbled.

Feeling triumphant, he lets out a short chuckle as he trails over to the chalk board. One hand in his pocket, he uses the other to reach for a piece of chalk and begins writing on the board. "Sensei and Shizu-chan together... Is it?" He peers over his shoulder, back at her fearful expression, wide-eyed with her mouth agape.

"If... If you are thinking that we are in some kind of special relationship, you are riding the wrong train, Orihara. It is just a student-teacher relationship. Stop over thinking things." And yet there is this lingering guilt that overcomes her, the knots in her stomach twisting so tightly that she fills nauseously. Rin's heart is beating so loudly that it sounds like drums in a symphony.

"Student-teacher?" he echoes questioningly, disbelievingly. "Do you really expect anyone to believe that?" It seems like he is laughing again. "Tell me, Sensei, why you think the two of you can't have that kind of relationship?"

Before she can even full comprehend what it is that he is asking, Rin blurts out an answer that she shouldn't. "Heiwajima doesn't feel that way for me." The moment the words pour out of her lips, she realizes the grave mistake she has made and scrambles to cover it up. "A-anyways, that isn't what I mean. As student and teacher-"

"So it has to do with your deep-seated insecurity. I thought so. You are predictable, Sensei." He drops the chalk back into the tray and slowly, purposefully makes his way back toward the door. "Let's play a game and see how well you know Shizu-chan. Even though I hate him, I know humans a lot better than you do, Sensei. So you had better hope you are wrong this time... Hm?" And as he smiles darkly, she barely gets a glimpse of it.

"Orihara, what are you-"

Suddenly the doors slide open and at the same moment that the black-haired boy steps out, several familiar (and gruff) students come in. Rin recognizes them immediately, much to her own chagrin, as delinquents that she had sent to detention so many times that she has lost count. And she feels the sweat pouring down her forehead, her breathing quickening, as she takes a shaky step back. "W-what are you three doing here? You should be in detention." But rather than her voice sounding as forceful as it usually does, it is meek and she knows it has completely lost its affect as they approach her.

The look in their eyes as she listens to their heavy footsteps pounding on the tiled floor, is something Rin can only liken to that of a wild animal. Her mouth is going try as she backs up farther and farther, until her back hits the wall. Her mind is racing so fast that she cannot process a single thought. Belatedly, she thinks to scream, but right as she opens her mouth, a hand clamps over it.

—

Fortunately for Shizuo, his house is not as far away as Rin's and he rounds the corner in a hurry, like a bull, nearly knocking down several others as he speeds down the sidewalk. When he at last arrives at home, tearing the front door off its hinges and leaving it lying on the ground against the steps, he traipses into the kitchen where he discovers his brother sitting with his pudding.

And as much as it angers him that his brother is, once again, eating his beloved pudding, that is not the first thought that crosses his mind. "Emergency, something important," he says vaguely as though he expects his brother to understand this singular word.

Somehow, Kasuka seems to register it, setting the spoon inside the half-empty plastic container. He shakes his head. "No emergency here."

Almost completely out of breath and still heaving, Shizuo points a shaky finger toward the telephone hanging on the wall. "You called?"

"No." And he lifts the spoon out and takes a bite, eyes turned away from his older brother.

It takes a moment for Shizuo to process all of this. And once it registers in his head, he bolts back out the open threshold and past the door that is still lying there. His mind races as he seethes out a name, "Izaaayaa," because he knows that only one person could be the cause of this. Yet he also pauses to wonder – why? And then it dons on him that Rin is still waiting at the school.

Time seems to pass by slowly when he wants it to be quick. But life seems to play in slow motion, each step painstakingly more sluggish than the last. When at last he sees the school looming in sight, he feels his heart drop into the pit of his stomach. It is an unfamiliar feeling that leaves him feeling a nauseousness that he does not recognize. But he keeps up his pace as he rounds the corner and leaps over the close gates to the school.

When he sees that the front door of the school is locked, Shizuo blasts through the glass windows without pausing to think about the consequences. His surroundings turn into a blur as he leaps up the stairs, two or three at a time. He is almost completely out of breath, his mind commanding his body to go just a little faster.

By the time he reaches the top of the stairs, his body is starting to wear – and it is unusual, because he, of all people, knows he has no limitations. Yet there is a knot twisting in the pit of his stomach that almost seems to be screaming for him to stop. And as he stops in front of the door to Rin's classroom, he can feel his entire arm trembling.

Inside there is the sound of muffled crying and before he has a split second to contemplate who or what it is coming from, the door flies open in front of him. Shizuo charges in without pausing to survey the situation. The dim light pouring in through the windows is enough to illuminate that room and the moment he spots Rin, pressed against a corner with her shirt ripped and three men surrounding her, everything turns a murky shade of red. He can feel himself flying into an uncontrollable rage as he charges them, blindly tossing bodies away from her.

And he can see the salty tears streaming down her cheeks as she huddles in a ball sobbing. It is the sound of her strangled cries that motivates him as he turns around on the people he had flung just moments ago, as though they were rags. The anger wells up within his chest and like a flame it burns through his legs and his arms, until a numbness overcomes him. His arms and legs are trembling because he feels so livid. It is a bitterness and a helplessness he has tasted before, yet never to this degree.

The tremors running through his body are not enough to set him back from reaching for Rin's desk. Whatever is on top falls off, scattering to the floor, as he chucks it toward the men scrambling to flee. One manages to wriggle out the door before Shizuo sends an empty canvas and stand flying after him.

Meanwhile, shaken up from the ordeal, Rin remains in the corner with her arms wrapped across her chest. Despite the fact that nothing truly happened, aside from her torn blouse, tousled hair, and the bruise she surely has on her cheek from being slapped, she can't bring her mind back to reality. She feels herself shivering and she is not sure if it is from the fear or the cold, but the tears won't stop pouring.

In her mind, she replays Izaya's words as the realization comes upon her that he has orchestrated all of this. Somehow, Rin can't wrap her head around the possibility – that one of her students set her up. And as soon as it occurs to her that she was almost raped, and narrowly saved thanks to Shizuo, she erupts into loud, noisy sobs. Her crying is drowned out by the sound of the scuffle that Shizuo is in.

Despite how unnerved she is by her situation, Rin manages to look up blearily through her tears. In the darkness that is rapidly consuming the light outside, she can barely distinguish Shizuo's familiar, hulking silhouette. He is muttering something under his breath – "Kill, kill, kill..." – and stalking toward the door, where apparently the men have retreated.

Scrambling to her feet, she chases after him. And she knows it might be dangerous because Rin has never seen such an expression on his face before, but she reaches him and throws her arms around his back. Even though she only has a hold of his torso, she clings to him like a ball and chain. If not to stop him, then to slow him down. Because she is afraid that this time, he might not stop with just a few broken bones.

"H-Heiwajima," she says in a hoarse voice, speaking shakily through the tears.

It stops him in his tracks and he turns toward her with a hollow look in his eyes. And he asks a question that she doesn't want to hear. "Izaya?"

The apologies pour past her lips. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I should have listened..." And she half-expects him to condescending say, _"Well, I told you so."_ But she loses strength in her knees and collapses on the floor, arms still thinly wrapped around the base of his legs. He slowly pries her hands away, and she thinks he must be angry at her, but then kneels down in front of her with a sorrowful look she has never seen.

Awkwardly, the blonde-haired boy sets his hand on the top of her head, ruffling her already disheveled hair. "Sorry," he says belatedly, "I was slow."

Her eyes widen in surprise and Rin is not sure why – or what – he is apologizing for. But she leans toward him and throws her arms around his shoulders. As much as she wants to keep in mind that there is a line between them as student and teacher, all she can think of now is how she has been saved, how grateful she is, and how relieved she was to see his face.

It obviously makes him feel a little uncomfortable, because Shizuo's entire body tenses. But eventually he relaxes, although it seems like the gears in his mind are turning. He has a contemplative look on his face, probably thinking about how Izaya is implicated in all of this. And she is sure that the curiosity, the need to know, is tugging at the back of Shizuo's mind. He probably wants to ask her but doesn't.

There are millions of words that can be spoken in this moment, where she is crying and he is just sitting there listening. Rin knows she can tell him the truth, say that Izaya was involved in all of this, that he is the true culprit. She can explain how she made the mistake of being alone with the weasel, trusting him blindly. And it is not because of her pride that she doesn't, but because she is afraid what Shizuo will do if she does.

So they both leave the moment unburdened by words, filled with the pervasiveness of silence. When finally the tears cease and she manages to swallow the lump in her throat, Rin leans back, still half-clinging to Shizuo because she can still feel her heart racing. The fear has not yet left.

And by the time the tears run dry, she has exhausted herself. Rin falls asleep with her head placed at the crook of Shizuo's shoulder and neck. It's an awkward pose that leaves him feeling uncomfortable as he mutters her name, gently shaking her shoulders. But something in his head tells him that it is probably just better to let her sleep.

It takes a little bit of maneuvering to lift her onto his back, but Shizuo manages to hoist her up. Her arms drape over his shoulders and he grasps her thighs – gently as he can – and starts down the darkened hallway. Outside, night has already descended and the silence is disrupted only by the sound of his solemn footsteps.

Thoughts are still churning through his mind, and for Shizuo, it is difficult to process all that has just happened. He knows to begin with that Izaya is almost always the person behind the ill-happenings around the school, particularly all the students that come wanting to pick a fight with Shizuo. Considering Rin's hastily sputtered apology and how she said, "I should have listened," Shizuo also suspects that this predicament is no different. Izaya surely had his hands in it too.

Before Shizuo even realizes where he is heading, he is almost back at his own house, having forgotten that Rin is on his back. But he shrugs off the obvious implications of the situation – because, anyways, her house is too far away, so this is easier. Moreover, he is a little too preoccupied trying to recall the faces of the men whose limbs he nearly tore off. (And frankly, he would _still_ like to tear them off.)

As he walks along, he notices that Rin is muttering something in her sleep. She seems to be having some sort of good dream because she sounds happy. That brings relief to Shizuo as he approaches the entrance to his house, noticing that the door he had torn off earlier is propped over the entrance, although obvious cracks of light spill outside. Kasuka is probably still awake.

So, while managing to balance the weight of Rin on his back, he pushes the unhinged door open. Once inside, he has to turn around to secure it shut again. It tilts unevenly and he feels a little disgruntled at himself for having destroyed his _own_ property again.

"Welcome home."

It is the sound of Kasuka's voice and Shizuo slowly turns toward it, giving a hesitant nod. In this situation, he is not sure what to say, because he knows the sleeping woman on his back probably looks a little out of place and conspicuous. But his brother just stares at him blankly and steps aside to make room for Shizuo to walk past, and Kasuka does not ask any questions as he follows closely behind his older brother.

The floorboards seem to creak beneath Shizuo's heavy-footed steps, and it seems to reflect the uneasiness in his heart. He shuffles to his closed door and nudges it open with his head before entering. Then he gently dumps Rin's body onto his bed, and for a moment her eyelids flutter open and those green irises peer up at him. Her lips form a thin smile as she seems to recognize him and her eyelids fall shut once again as she rolls over onto her side.

A little dumbfounded by how easily she falls back asleep, Shizuo belatedly reaches for the duvet, pulling it up over her shoulders. Then he stares at her for a few moments, still unsure of whether or not he should leave or linger any longer. But he can feel his brother's gaze on his back. "She's a teacher," Shizuo finds himself explaining as he turns toward the doorway where Kasuka is standing.

"Happy birthday," his brother responds, seeming uninterested in the identity of the woman lying in his brother's bed.

"Ah, that's right..." Shizuo scratches the back of his head awkwardly. "Thanks."

Rather than saying something else, Kasuka just stands there staring at his older sibling. His lips twitch and Shizuo gets the impression that Kasuka has something else he wants to say, but he never does. Instead it seems like he is waiting. Maybe, Shizuo thinks, he wants to know what happened.

"We are friends." Although that seems an odd classification for their relationship. "Izaya did something." And that is a really vague way of explaining, but Shizuo does not really want to get into any more detail than that.

Kasuka seems to understand. He cocks his head to the side and then slowly turns to leave. "There is more pudding in the fridge. Good night."

"Aa, good night."

Shizuo takes one last look back at Rin, who is sleeping peacefully, and then disappears out the door. He closes it gently behind himself and then digs his hand in his pocket, heading for the back porch. The urge for nicotine has never nagged at him so incessantly before. His throat feels itchy without it, and he almost can't get the porch fast enough.

The lighter proves to be frustrating, flickering out several times before lighting up properly. But he forgets his frustration as soon as he takes a long, deep inhale. Rings of smoke disappear through the darkness. And although he feels some measure of relief, Shizuo is not calm. As he draws the butt from his lips, his fingers involuntarily crush the cigarette in his hand. He belatedly notices the burn on the palm of his hand. Sighing bitterly, he closes his eyes for a moment.

It is the first time the anger has stayed with him. Like a poison it seems to course through his body, seething like a hatred he has never felt. And he curls and uncurls his fists several times. Nothing seems to help. Sleep is the furthest thing from his mind and, inevitably, Shizuo finds himself spending most of the night outside.

When early morning arrives, before anyone in the house is awake – including Rin, who he briefly checks up on – Shizuo is out the door. He heads straight to school, probably the first time he has ever gone early. And he has his fists clenched so tightly that his arms are trembling. The deranged look on his face seems to disturb several passersby, because they seem to run screaming in the opposite direction.

Approaching the gates to the school, there is only one person on his mind. He yanks a sign out of the street corner, brandishing it as he mutters the word, "Kill, kill, kill..." And as he heads into the courtyard, he sees a familiar figuring rounding the corner of the school building.

Since he recognizes Izaya's figure all too well, Shizuo tightens his grip around the cold steel bar in his hands. Stalking like a predator that has found its prey, he heads straight for his target, grinning wildly. This time, he is definitely going to crush that flea – once and for all. When he reaches the point he saw Izaya, he stomps around the corner and gets only a brief glimpse of a black blur disappearing behind the back of the building.

Not wanting to lose the opportunity he has been lucky enough to gain, Shizuo charges forward. His footsteps feel light against the compacted dirt and the mounds of grass, scattered along the way. When arrives at the next corner and turns, he spots his target and takes a swing with a battle cry, "Izaaayaaa!"

* * *

**Author's Note:** So faster updating has somewhat become a reality. :) Thanks to Xephy for beta-ing. Hopefully he caught most of my Engrish.

Some Random Reviewer - Thanks so much for the review! I'm sure your story will turn out well. Effort usually produces results, even if we don't notice it. Writers tend to be the most critical about themselves and their own work. At least it's true in my case. :)


	10. Loneliness

**Chapter 1O ; Loneliness**

When he wakes up in the morning, it is to the sound of traffic – the city coming to life in the wee hours. Shizuo blinks away the sleep still lingering on his eyelids, only to discover that his head is absolutely throbbing. Every sound seems to be like a symphony of drums. He groans as he sits upright. But then he notices something weighing down one of his hands. It is when he glances down that he notices, with some amount of shock, that Rin is slumped over on the side of his bed with her hand holding his.

There is the strange feeling of his heart seizing, so painfully that he flinches away from her touch. Fortunately, Rin does not even seem to stir. She is sleeping soundly. And while she is unconscious in dreamland, Shizuo is trying desperately to wrap his head around the situation – the fact that she stayed the night beside him.

It is definitely not normal, he knows, because only a girlfriend would do that. And the time where Rin could be that for him has passed. She is getting married – he _knows_ that. Yet there is no amount of logic that can steady the beating of his heart. It is an unnatural feeling, an uncomfortable one.

"Mm..." As she rouses, Rin struggles to blink away the sleep still lingering on her eyelids. It is then that Shizuo notices the dark circles beneath them. She still seems drowsy, blearily looking up at him with her unfocused pupils. "Heiwajima-san... You're awake."

He swallows hard upon hearing her voice. Shizuo is not sure how to respond, mostly because he is still entirely convinced that this is nothing more than a dream. Why else would Rin be at his bedside? It was impossible. Even more impossible that, while he is staring at her, those terrible words she had spoken in the past do not come rolling through his mind like a broken record. All he can hear is the _kathump, kathump_ of his own rapidly beating heart.

It is weird. It is a foreign feeling. And he is not sure he likes it.

A frown drags down the edges of his lips. "Yeah..."

"How is your hangover?" Even though he does not look happy, she has a warm smile on her face, albeit a tired one.

The question – as to why she is still here and why this is not a dream – nags at him, but he does not speak it. "It hurts." He answers her questions vaguely, averting his eyes. At least until he can settle his feelings, ones that seem to have been awoken from the past. Shizuo was certain they had been replaced with bitterness, one akin in many ways to what he felt toward Izaya. But this is nothing like that.

"You must be hungry. I'll make you some soup."

Just as she stands, he catches her wrist. He can't stand not knowing anymore. "Why?" The word comes out hollowly by itself, unsupported by the clarification that he needs. But Shizuo quickly tags that on at the end when he notices the confused look on her face. "You stayed the night."

"You don't have anyone to look after you. Of course I would." That grin on her face, that genuine one that he has not seen in so long, spreads across her face. "And I know you are probably worried about whether my soup will be edible or not, but don't worry. I spent money to take classes. So I can at least do some basic things like that." It seems so much like the past. She seems so much like the old Rin, the Rin he is sure does not exist anymore. Not like she once did. Not like she does in his mind.

"I'm not a kid," he tells her, recalling the lengths she went to trying to establish a line between them – one of age and status. But the difference between them is marginal and he is no longer a student, she is no longer a teacher.

"Right," she agrees hesitantly, "I didn't mean to say you were..."

"I'm a man," Shizuo reiterates, trying to emphasize the implication. No matter how much common sense he lacks, he at least knows enough to draw a line at this point. "Don't do this."

There is a sad look in her eyes as she gently peels his fingers away from her wrist. Maybe Rin has some expectation that, reunited, they will go back to the way things were. The way it was before he ever had feelings for her, before she ever entertained the idea of reciprocating those feelings. "You're right," she says at last.

"Go home."

For a moment, there is silence between them. She seems to slowly register the meaning of those two words. But Shizuo still is not looking at her. "We can't pretend that time hasn't passed, right? I was thinking this whole time, just how much I wished I could explain things to you, convinced you would understand. If only I could just tell you."

He chances a glance at her, mildly startled to see that there are tears welling up in the ducts of her eyes.

"The time for explaining has passed too, hasn't it? I know it won't change anything now. Maybe I was hoping for something." Then as the tears start spilling over, she hastily wipes them away with her sleeve. "If it hadn't been for him, things would have turned out differently and I would have..." Then her lips tremble open, but no sound comes out of her mouth.

"For who?" Shizuo prompts.

Slowly, her lips purse and her gaze averts. Judging by Rin's actions, Shizuo can already tell that it is Izaya, even though she won't tell him. "I'm sorry, Heiwajima-san. For you, I probably just bring back bad memories. There is no point in bothering you with the past anymore. We have both moved on, haven't we?" She smiles but he knows it is forced.

"Takemori-"

"Even though you probably can't forgive what I said to you, I sincerely apologize." She bows toward him after finishing those words. "Please don't worry about coming to my wedding. I'll go home, like you said. Let's not meet again, even by accident."

It feels like his heart is seizing up and Shizuo almost chokes as he tries to swallow the lump in his throat. The way his chest seems to be collapsing inward makes it hard to breathe. Maybe that is why he finds himself unable to speak as he listens to the quiet thump of her footsteps as she turns around and leaves his room.

Perhaps it is pride that keeps him from chasing after her, or perhaps it is self-protection. He remembers the last time he trusted in her, only to hear those terrible words. Even though, inwardly he knows he is fully deserving of hearing them. It is wrong to begrudge her, because as he reminds himself, he really is a monster. This is just another example.

When he thought he would never have to see her cry again. To go to her wedding, he had hoped to see a smile that he could never give her. To find some solace in thinking that she had truly done for herself what he never could have. Now it seems as though he has no right to even the slim hope of seeing that. But, as he tries to reassure himself, watching her go down the aisle with someone else would be worse. Then he catches himself in the middle of that thought – go with someone else? He wonders if, perhaps inwardly, he had hoped to be the one walking with her.

It is sometime later that day when he receives a sudden call from Kasuka. Their meetings are usually fairly spontaneous; whenever Kasuka can find the time from his busy shooting schedule to meet with Shizuo. And although there is a lingering headache and his mind is twisted with so many thoughts that he cannot sort through, Shizuo manages to march himself out of the house.

Once again, the sky looks dreary and rain clouds seem to impend above. Shizuo drags his feet all the way to the cafe, passing by the glazed windows before turning in toward the door. There is a bell chiming in the background as he enters. A sweet aroma teases at his nose, but for once he does not feel the least bit inclined at the sight of dairy.

Kasuka flags Shizuo down from a table in the corner, where he is wearing a hat and sunglasses to mask his identity. The blonde trails over to his younger sibling and hesitantly takes a seat. In the back of his mind, he is thinking this joint too fanciful and girly. It crosses his mind that Rin might like to go to a place like this.

His mood falls sullen as he hangs his head. "Mm." The greeting he gives his brother is little more than an acknowledging grunt.

Without speaking a word, Kasuka stands and wanders over to the counter. He orders for both himself and Shizuo. When he returns, he sets down a glass of milk in front of the blonde before taking a seat himself with a steaming cup.

"I was going to go to the wedding," he says finally, reaching for the glass to take a sip. It tastes strangely bitter going down his throat. He glances up at his brother, who seems to be idly stirring his caffeinated drink. Kasuka does not respond no matter how long Shizuo waits. So, finally, he continues. "I don't understand her."

For as vague as it is, it conveys just how complicated the situation is perfectly. But even though a better explanation might be required if Shizuo was speaking with anyone else, Kasuka seems to understand without it. "You said that before." Probably more words than Kasuka usually deems necessary to say.

But, although everything his brother says usually has some point, Shizuo can't understand what Kasuka is insinuating this time. Frankly, he is not much for talking about his problems anyways, far more likely to mull over them until he figures out his own solution. Shizuo isn't sure why he said anything to Kasuka. Although, he remembers, Kasuka was the one who encouraged him to go to the wedding. Now it seems like that is an impossibility. He frowns to himself.

"Be honest." It is only these two words that Kasuka imparts on Shizuo before he stands up to leave, his steaming cup still half full.

Shizuo listens to his brother's footsteps as they fade into the ground, into the soft, soothing music that is playing in the cafe. There is a chime again and then the door thumps closed. He isn't entirely sure why, given how short-lived their conversation was, Kasuka called him out. Maybe there is more to what Kasuka said than he is reading into it.

"Be honest," he repeats to himself as he stares at his glass of milk.

But really, Shizuo thinks it would be better to just work, not think... Because when he is working, all of those bothersome thoughts and worries he has, they all seem to disappear. So that is what he plans to do. Work and forget. A week is not a long time, he knows, and it will pass quickly enough. Once it is gone, he won't have to think about Rin anymore. He just has to hold on until then.

—

"Just give me a week, one week, I swear! I will have the payment by then..."

Tom lets out a short sigh. This is the same excuse that they have heard a million times before. Even with Shizuo's hulking figure and menacing glare (behind those sunglasses), they still have a few that like to skip on their payments. But that just doesn't fly. And, for whatever reason – Tom really isn't sure – Shizuo seems to have a shorter temper than usual.

"You said the same thing last week," Tom starts to say, trying to reason with the man.

It is already too late. Shizuo has his hands clenched into tight fists. "You want a week, do you? Just a week? You must know what is happening in a week. That's why you want me to wait." He seems to be mumbling something incoherent to himself.

The moment the sun glasses come off, a nearby vending machine is wrenched from its spot and chucked into the man who is attempting to flee. It hits its mark and Shizuo charges with a dangerous gleam in his eye.

Watching from behind with a rather bored look in his eyes, Tom glances down at his watch. It is almost time to go home, considering they finished their rounds. If it was any regular day, Tom probably would feel slightly elated (as elated as someone as easy-going as Tom can get) at the thought of being able to finally relax after a day of hitting people up for money they owe. Unfortunately, much to his chagrin, he has a keen eye. And even if he didn't, it is easily noticeable that Shizuo Heiwajima has not had a single cigarette all day, but more than that, almost all those who refused to pay up landed in the hospital.

While he is preoccupied thinking to himself, Tom does not notice that Shizuo has finished the "job" until the blonde-haired man is standing in front of him and says, "Where next?" His neck tilts as he cocks his head, reaching into his pocket for his sunglasses.

"We finished for today."

The news does not seem to be even slightly a relief for Shizuo, who seems to grit his teeth upon hearing it. As much as he tries to focus on work, on the rage building inside of him that keeps him going, he keeps getting distracted. Thoughts of Rin, about her wedding, they seem to overwhelm him so much that he has not even touched the unopened pack of cigarettes in his breast pocket.

"Something is bothering you," Tom says knowingly, remembering their conversation from the bar. "It's not Kasuka. Is it Izaya?"

The name seems to dredge up something in Shizuo's mind. "Izaya," he repeats with some measure of anger. Somehow, the pieces of the puzzle are starting to fall together on their own as he recalls fragments of conversation he had been too livid to properly mull over before.

_"I thought I would... Never have to see you again. I never _wanted _to see you again..." _The sound of Rin's fear as she said that to Izaya is still fresh in Shizuo's mind. But why?

_"So has she told you truth yet, Shizu-chan? Have you been wondering all these years why she called you a monster?"_ Izaya's taunting voice...

Izaya had never been there to hear Rin call Shizuo a monster. Those words had been spoken when only the two of them were present. Considering Rin's fear, Shizuo cannot bring himself to believe that she willingly admitted saying those words to Izaya. So why? The question is still nagging at him.

_"Even if I wanted to, I could never take back what I said back then. I had to say those words, I can't regret them. I wish I didn't have to say them, wish I could change things I did back then that led to that point."_ What did she mean by that? Why did she have to say those words? Why could she not take them back?

And it takes a moment for the turning gears to finally click into place, but Shizuo thinks he grasps the situation well enough. "It _is_ Izaya," he mutters to himself in slight disbelief. It makes his head hurt to try to understand all of this, when he has only been offered subtle hints.

"What did he do?" Tom prompts.

This is a question that Shizuo asks himself, but it is an answer that he does not have – that he cannot get by himself. Although he is sure that, somehow, Izaya is behind all of these problems, he is not sure what the motive is. What he does know, is that a pang of guilt has hit him in the chest so hard that it is difficult to even take a breath.

Without offering any sort of explanation to Tom, Shizuo suddenly traipses off. His thoughts are knotted up, too tangled to be entirely coherent, between trying to figure out Izaya's connection and how to deal with the situation. He berates himself for taking so long to figure it out.

And while Shizuo understands the situation a little better now that he has connected the dots, he knows that the truth does not change anything. Time has still passed, feelings have still been hurt, and Rin is still getting married in a week. The knowledge that he has does not change that. Yet, even so, he does not waste time sulking or wallowing in self-pity. There is determination in his eyes as he marches up the stairs to his apartment. Through the hallway and to his bedroom, where he drops to his knees at his bedside table. Rummaging through it, he eventually comes across the tattered wedding invitation. Although he knows it is a vain hope, he opens it with the unreasonable expectation that he'll find some address or phone number inside. There is none.

The envelope, he remembers, did have an address on it. So he throws the card back in the drawer, closes it roughly, and is back up on his feet and headed toward the kitchen. It has been a while since he threw away the envelope and it is probably silly to hope that it is still in the trash. But he still checks. After he has dug to the bottom with no luck, he remembers that he took out the trash yesterday morning.

Once again he is on his feet, traipsing out the door and scrambling down the rickety stairwell. Rounding the corner, he starts rummaging through the dumpster. There is coagulated liquid that stinks of something foul and it feels sticky as it covers his fingers, but Shizuo keeps searching. Bag after bag, although they all look the same, trying to find his.

Passersby point and mock at him, and if it were any other occasion, he would have paused to send them flying (or something flying at them). But Shizuo is focused on the task at hand. By the time he has searched through almost all of the garbage, his palm has been sliced open by a broken bottle and the sting is fierce. Yet he grits his teeth, whether through anger or determination, and continues his futile attempt to find that envelope.

And when he does finally find it, the street lights are practically all he has to guide his vision. The greatest disappointment comes when he discovers that some liquid has soaked through the paper of the envelope and washed away the ink.

Crumpling the still damp paper in his fist, Shizuo breathes a sigh through his clenched teeth. A thought probably crosses his mind – whether or not to chuck the whole dumpster in his anger – but he forgoes that. After all, it won't change the fact that he has no way of contacting Rin. The day of the wedding will be his only opportunity to talk to her.

Bitterly, he heads for the stairs. His feet are dragging. There is a pounding in his head that matches the aching of his heart. It is a feeling of defeat that is akin to losing Izaya after a long pursuit, and technically, it is an accurate comparison since he really feels like he has lost to the flea. But it is not their usual rivalry. He starts climbing the steps as he reflects on that; the fact that, although the two of them have always been after each others lives, it has never degraded into something petty that affects others. Not like this.

When he reaches the top of the staircase, Shizuo lazily lifts his chin. His unfocused gaze lands on a familiar figure that turns to meet him upon his approach. Suddenly his feet freeze in place as his mind moves frantically for words.

"Sorry," is the first word to come from her lips as she averts her gaze. "I promised we wouldn't have to meet again. I left my purse, so..." Her voice trails off and her nose twitches. Those green eyes of hers suddenly stare up at him with curiosity and disgust. "What is that smell?"

Without cracking the vaguest of smiles, he takes a few more unsteady steps forward and throws his arms around her. Even though he knows that he shouldn't be doing this, the voice reminding him that she is getting married has long faded from the back of his mind. The only thing that he can focus on is his anger, his grief, and his remorse – and the feeling of Rin's thin shoulders beneath his large, clumsy arms.

At first she seems to go rigid beneath him, perhaps surprised. And she does choke from the stench that lingers on his body from digging through the trash for several hours. "H-Heiwajima-san?" she stutters in her confusion. At least, he is glad, that she does not try to struggle out of his grasp.

"Sorry," he mutters the apology almost inaudibly.

"What are you...?" He can feel her trembling. Shizuo is sure that she has some kind of clue at this point that he is not merely apologizing for lashing out at her when he had a hangover. Inside, she probably realizes that he has finally put the pieces together, that he at last understands. Maybe that is why she seems fearful. Afraid that he will condemn her for not being honest in the first place. But she should also know – and Shizuo hopes she does – that he is not that kind of person.

"I forgive you."

It is those three words she has waited to hear for all these years. Her body shakes as the tears start pouring. She can't hold them back anymore. Soon she is sobbing in his chest, disregarding whatever stink lingers on his clothing. All Rin can focus on is the warmth of his body and his words that echo in her mind. The relief is overwhelming.

Somewhere inside, Shizuo regrets that he did not say these words sooner, knowing now how much of a burden it must have been for Rin to have carried it all on her shoulders for so long. But he shares her relief. Knowing that he was never hated makes him feel as though he was never truly abandoned. Those words that she had said, those words he had cursed himself with, that had held him back from living, they were lies. He is glad, even if the past can't be changed.

When finally the crying ceases, Rin extracts herself from Shizuo's arms. On her face is that warm, gentle smile he remembers. "Thank you," she says in a quiet voice. "Your forgiveness is more than I could ever ask for."

He pats her on the head, ignoring her gratitude – because, honestly, he feels it is misplaced. "It must have been hard."

Rin closes her eyes for a moment. "I'm sure you had a harder time."

Although he is not really sure how to respond, Shizuo remembers Kasuka's words. _"Be honest."_ It seems simple, and after all this time and all of these misunderstandings, he does not want to leave anything unsaid. All the regrets from the past, he wants to dispel them this time. So, while he really wants to know from Rin why and how things started spinning out of control, he does not ask. Instead, he tells her what he has wanted to say all this time.

His hand is still on the top of her head, ruffling her hair. It casts a shadow over her face, so he can see neither her eyes nor her expression, which is a bit of a relief. Without giving himself enough time for second thoughts, he finally says it.

"I missed you."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Fluffy fluff! And where I normally dislike it and tend not to write it, it somehow fits this story. Hope you guys enjoyed!

Sepsis - Thank you so much for the review! Not rambling it at all, I love long reviews that really give me a good look at how other people see the story.


	11. The Pain of Being Protected

**Chapter 11 ; The Pain of Being Protected**

It probably is not until late afternoon when Rin finally rouses, hair tousled and mascara running down her cheeks. She looks a mess from crying so much the night before, but she feels strangely refreshed. Comfortable despite her own misfortune... Although her clothing is pretty torn and tattered.

A look around the room tells her that this is definitely not her house. Of course, she has a vague memory of waking briefly the night before to see Shizuo and an unfamiliar surrounding. But it is surprisingly clean and empty, far from what she had expected. Her gaze flits across the dresser and nightstand, really the only other objects in the room. Then she spots, in the corner of the room, a few small posters of athletes drinking milk. Since she knows that Shizuo is not the type to show particular admiration toward athletes, she silently suspects the point of posters is the milk...

In the background she hears the sound of the phone ringing, drowned out by the sound of pattering footsteps. Then the house is silent. Rin wonders who is calling and who has picked up the phone.

Since it is already daylight and she can hardly wear what she has on, she chances a peek in Shizuo's dresser. Although it seems strangely inappropriate, humiliating, embarrassing – any and all of those things, really – she borrows a shirt and pants. Fortunately she finds a belt in the closet that she uses to cinch the otherwise too baggy and big jeans around her waist. The shirt is almost equally baggy. Suddenly she feels like a kid again, trying out her daddy's clothes. The memory elicits a small giggle.

And then she hears the door creak open. The person that peers in looks strangely unaffected by her presence. He has a deadpan look on his face. "My brother just called," he says in a monotone voice, "He's at the police station."

"W-Wha...?" Her jaw drops in disbelief. If it is not enough to take in the events from the night before and the fact that she is dressed in her student's clothes, in her student's house, then hearing that Shizuo has apparently been arrested certainly tops all the aforementioned. Especially in terms of her capacity to deal with stressors.

The boy, Shizuo's brother, apparently, just stares at her. He seems to be a person of even fewer words than his older sibling. But he does say one thing. "I'm going back to school." At which point she notices that he is, indeed, wearing a uniform. Rin wonders to herself if, by "back," he means that he came home from school to check on her. Then again, that does not exactly seem likely, considering that if anyone would need to come check on her, it would be Shizuo.

But now he's at the police station...?

She places a hand on either side of her head and ruffles her hair in frustration. "Agh! Why is this all happening at once?"

The middle schooler just stares at her for a couple more moments before turning around and shuffling off. He does not seem the least bit fazed at the news that Shizuo is at the police station – which worries Rin that, perhaps, such a thing is commonplace for the Heiwajima household.

Regardless, although she still feels a little shaken up by what happened, there is no time to loiter. She searches Shizuo's house for the bathroom, where she cleans off her face and locates a brush for her hair. And although she is reluctant to do so, she borrows his toothbrush – at least, she hopes it is his. Frankly, Rin is so frazzled by everything that is happening that she has little time to be self-conscious.

After locating a rubber band, due to lack of a hair tie, she pulls her hair back in a low ponytail and stalks out of the house. Since she left her purse at the school, flagging down a taxi will just end up with her getting an earful and then she could possibly find herself joining Shizuo in the slammer. No, better to walk, although she swears beneath her breath the whole way, stomping her feet exaggeratedly.

When she arrives at the station, Rin pauses before entering. She takes a deep breath, holds her head up, and composes herself. On with the facade of the fearless and bold teacher. She marches in with her shoulders back and menacing scowl on her face.

It is easy to spot Shizuo, sitting across from an officer. If his hulking figure isn't enough to draw attention, then his bleached hair certainly is. Rin makes a beeline toward him, bumping shoulders with a few people that try to stop and confront her – although the death glare she gives them ends any attempt at that immediately.

"Heiwajima," she says in a chilling voice – filled with enough venom to kill anyone else instantly.

But the ever unaffected Shizuo just peers up at her with those dark chocolate eyes of his. "Takemori," he acknowledges, belatedly tacking on the ending,"-sensei." It is more than perfectly obvious to her that he does not consider her a teacher. Nor does he seem too pleased that she is the one coming to the station. "Where is Kasuka?"

"He went to school and sent me instead."

Then his eyes move downward. "My cl-"

Before the sentence can get out, she slaps her hand over his mouth. "There are some things better left unsaid, Heiwajima."

"Excuse me, ma'am, who are you?"

"This delinquent's teacher. So tell me, what has he done that warrants these handcuffs?" Rin sneers at the officer as she points to the metal cuffs hooked around Shizuo's wrists.

"Ah, well the school reported him for vandalism and assault on another student."

Dumbfounded, Rin drops her jaw. "Vandalism?" Immediately her mind replays the image she has seen at least dozens of times, of Shizuo ripping a stop sign out of the ground. She supposes that could be considered vandalism. "And assault?" Then she imagines Shizuo swinging at ten guys that are charging at him, knocking them all down like bowling pins. It certainly is believable. Only, it is has never warranted a visit to the police station before.

"Someone broke into the art classroom at Raijin last night. Haven't you heard, if you say you're his teacher?"

"I called off today," she bites back. Although that isn't entirely true, and Rin is pretty sure she will get an earful when she does get back to the school for work. "Anyways, what is this about assault? Who do you claim he assaulted?"

"Another student," the officer responds calmly, although he does not specify the name. "Apparently he was also involved in the vandalism. But Heiwajima-san attacked him early this morning over a dispute."

Firstly, Rin knows that Shizuo had no involvement in vandalism – although, she supposes, he did tear up the classroom when he went after the students. But she also does not think that a punishable act. "They're kids. They beat up on each other sometimes."

"Enough to send him to the hospital in critical condition? I don't think so, Miss."

Although Shizuo probably doesn't notice, the subtle 'miss' instead of 'misses' really grates on Rin's nerves. Immediately her mind jumps to the conclusion that the officer just _assumes_ that she must be single because of her weight, because she isn't that attractive. She grits her teeth. "What makes you so sure Heiwajima did it? Since I was there last night-"

"If you were there, then you should know it, too. Miss, Heiwajima-san has already admitted to doing it."

Rin gapes at this. "Admitted?" Then she turns to look at Shizuo. "What did you admit to?"

He averts his gaze from her and does not answer.

"Did you vandalize my classroom?"

For a moment he hesitates and it seems as though he is ignoring her. Then, at last, he seems to look up at her with some measure of resolve. To Rin, it looks more like resignation. "Yeah."

"Did you attack someone maliciously enough to send them to the hospital in critical condition? On purpose?"

"Yeah."

Although Shizuo admits to it readily, Rin does not believe it. Not even for a second. It smells suspicious, especially given Shizuo's behavior. She can testify herself that he was not in the wrong. So why is he openly claiming fault?

"In addition to his admittance of guilt, another student came in this morning and gave a statement saying that he saw the assault personally. He spoke with Heiwajima-san briefly and convinced him to confess the truth. Initially, Heiwajima-san denied the allegations. Anyways, Miss, as you can see-"

"Wait. Another student?" Of course, this only seems to confirm her suspicions. "Tell me the name."

The officer hesitates for a moment, but then he looks down at his paperwork. "Orihara-san. Izaya Orihara-san."

Just hearing the name sends chills down her spine. It is enough to make her feel nauseous. Rin wants to throw up because of the memories it brings back from the night before. Her stomach twists into tight knots. But depsite her fear and anxiety, she turns to leave, with every intention of confronting the bastard.

But Shizuo catches her by the wrist with both of her hands. When she looks back at him, he shakes his head at her, with a look in his eyes that seems completely out of place. He is not his usual self. Something is holding him back. "I confessed," he tells her in a heavy voice. "I did it."

She knows there is probably more he wants to say, to convince her to not go and seek out Izaya. Not after what happened last night. Even Rin does not want to see the slimy weasel again. Alas, it seems that he is the person behind this entire incident – orchestrating it from the beginning. She also suspects there is good reason as to why Shizuo is trying to stop her.

"You'll be expelled." Although Rin is pretty sure he already knows the consequences of admitting his guilt, she reiterates it to him. He won't be able to graduate if he doesn't recant. "Is that what you want?" It seems a cold-hearted question and she knows that she is pushing him for an answer he probably does not want to give.

Whether the consequences affect him at all is not evident. He just frowns and releases her wrist. "It's fine." When he speaks, however, there is a gleam in his eyes that betrays the calmness with which he speaks his words. He is lying, and Shizuo Heiwajima happens to be a terrible liar.

Rin can easily surmise the situation through what the officer has told her as well as Shizuo's behavior. "Are you trying to protect me?" Her hands curl into tight fists.

His eyebrows raise in surprise, but Shizuo's face quickly turns deadpan once again. "No." He is lying again.

"If you think I will be grateful because you are sacrificing yourself then you're wrong, Heiwajima. I am not the kind of person who wants to be protected by someone else. Especially not my student. I am your teacher. Tell me the truth. What is going on?"

The harshness of her words probably stings, but Rin chooses to be bluntly honest regardless of the repercussions. Unfortunately, although she was hoping to make some progress by saying that, it only seems to make Shizuo clam up more. He purses his lips and averts his eyes from her, having no intention to tell her anything.

Since it is obvious that she won't be getting any answers from him, Rin turns to leave again. But she hesitates. Just thinking about Izaya leaves a bad taste in her mouth. Maybe it is because she feels like a hypocrite, preaching about how any student can be "reformed," how everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. Yet she finds herself reluctant to even approach him, as if he is some kind of fearful enigma, instead of a misguided student.

"I'll be back. Officer, Heiwajima..." She gave a polite bow toward the both of them, making sure to cast a final glare at Shizuo before marching out of the station. Rin is sure her anger is a little unfair, because as far as she can tell, he is doing this for her sake. But the pain of being protected at someone else's expense is not something she can bear.

So she makes the long trek to the school, where the final bell of the day is about to ring. Rin struggles to clamber up the stairs, all the way to the head's office. There, as expected, she gets an earful about her not calling in and skipping work. Regardless of what excuses she could come up with, Rin tells him the truth – she overslept, and she is very sorry. It does not go over well but her honesty leaves him at a disadvantage, and so he begrudgingly accepts her heartfelt apology. Then there are questions about the art room, which was apparently "vandalized" – Shizuo's handiwork from the night before, sending Rin's assailants scurrying off. That part she is not so honest about. In fact, she uses this to her advantage.

"Actually, in regards to that, I would like to speak with one of my students, Izaya Orihara. I hear that he was eyewitness to the attack this morning. So there are some things I would like to confirm first."

Not that he seems to entirely believe her, but there is little the school head can do in objection. He gives her leave to speak with Orihara, with the catch that she reports her own eyewitness account by tomorrow – to both the school and the police. Rin makes the agreement then hastily leaves as she hears the final bell. Down to the teacher's office, where she makes use of the PA system to call Izaya to the art room.

And somehow this feels like it will be a very uncomfortable confrontation. Even as she makes her way, just the short distance that it takes, back to the art room, Rin can't help but feel uneasy. Stepping into the room, which has seen more damage than she remembers Shizuo doing, the flood of memories from the night before temporarily overwhelms and paralyzes her.

The knots in her stomach seem to twist that much tighter, until she can really feel the lunch that she never ate coming up. And maybe it is because she has not eaten that she feels so nauseous. Either way, she takes several deep breaths in preparation.

After about ten minutes of waiting, she hears footsteps approaching from behind her. Rin turns to meet those amber colored eyes, and that triumphant smirk that Izaya seems to be wearing on his face. But like a good student, he gives her a polite greeting and a smile. There is nothing warm about the way he addresses her, though.

Much to her satisfaction, he cuts the innocent act rather quickly. "I admit, Sensei, I must have underestimated you a little. That you're able to come back here the day after without any trepidation. But are you really unaffected? Or is it eating at you? Do you feel any fear just looking at me?" He tilts his head questioningly with a knowing look on his face.

"Heiwajima," she says with determination, ignoring his inquisition. "Why is Heiwajima accepting those false allegations? Why is he admitting to them?"

He looks at her with mock surprise. "Sensei, you suspect I am behind it? I thought you always preached about innocent until proven guilty? Yet you already think that I have something to do with this? And it doesn't even occur to you that maybe he is admitting of his own free will?"

"No, I know Heiwajima better than that. And now, I know you better, too."

Izaya smirks. "Oh, I sincerely doubt that, Sensei. You seem to be pretty bad at understanding people, what with your inferiority complex. But I will conceed that I had my hand in it this time. Is there something you plan to do about it?"

"Tell me why first."

"I don't see any obligation to do so."

Like the sneaky weasel he is, Izaya just squirms right out of answering her question. In her frustration, Rin is left helpless. It's true that, if he does not tell her of his own volition, there is nothing that she can do.

"I know he didn't vandalize the classroom. More to the point, the reason that he did is because of those people that you sent in to attack me."

"Attack?" he quirks a brow at her. "I think you misunderstood, Sensei. I didn't ask or tell them to attack you. Actually, they came to me for help, since you had been sending them to detention so much lately. I think they were frustrated that, after the number they did on your car, you still wouldn't quit. So they thought a little something extra to get you out of the school. It just fell in line with an objective of mine, so I used the situation to my advantage."

It makes her feel nauseous just listening to him – like he sees human lives as his own personal experiment. Like she is some kind of toy for him to play around with. And although it disgusts Rin to listen to the way he sees the world, it allows her to understand him a little more. Even if it is difficult to fathom why anyone would ever mess with another person's life so carelessly.

"Turning around the whole incident to frame Shizu-chan was just good luck on my part. Shizu-chan is really the only person I can say that I hate. So if it takes him out of the picture, it makes my life easier. Why not take the opportunity?"

"But what did you do to make him confess his guilt when he did nothing wrong?" she demands lividly.

Izaya just shrugs his shoulders at her. "I'm just furthering my experiment. Since you seemed so convinced that Shizu-chan has no feelings for you, I decided to test that. How far will he go to protect you? See, even if I hate him and hope that he dies – sooner rather than later – I am still pleased that he can provide me with some insight."

More like entertainment, Rin thinks, since Izaya seems like the type of person to be amused by the situation. And judging from that wide spread grin on his face, he is quite pleased by how things are progressing.

"You told me enough. It's pointless talking to you. I know that now. So I won't waste anymore of your time or mine. But know this, Orihara, you won't have your way. Maybe I don't know much but I know one thing. Human nature is not as predictable as you seem to claim. So you had best be careful." Proud of herself for having managed to come this far, Rin marches toward the door with her head held high. And before she leaves, she purposefully bumps shoulders with Izaya, giving him the most intimidating glare possible.

In return, those eyes of his stare back at her, a smile still glued onto those thin lips of his. "You had better take you own advice, Sensei, and be prepared for the repercussions. Every decision has its consequence, you know."

Ignoring his words, she traipses off without bothering to ever look back. Then it is straight back to the police station – where she has to walk again. And inwardly, she is grateful that no one seems to notice that the clothes she is wearing belong to Shizuo... Or at least if they did, no one said a word about it.

When she finally gets back to the station, sweating from all the exercise that she is not used to, Rin heads back to where Shizuo is. He is still hunched over in his chair, eyes staring intently down at the floor. Even as he hears her approach, he does not lift his gaze to meet her. The officer that was watching him has disappeared in the meantime.

"I talked with Orihara."

Shizuo gives some vague recognition, because his head jolts when he hears her say that. Yet he does not take the opportunity to look up at her, nor does he say a word in return. Instead, he seems to sit there, waiting for her to explain.

"No matter what it is that he is threatening to do, I have every ounce of faith and confidence that I can recover from it. Nothing is so catastrophic that it won't eventually get better. But admitting your guilt where there is none to admit will give you a permanent record forever, Heiwajima. It's not worth doing that to protect your teacher. You have no obligation and I don't want you to do it."

At last, her words seem to stir something in him, because he finally lifts his gaze and looks up at her. He still does not crack so much as a smile, but at least he does not have his eyes glued to the floor anymore. And his lips even move to speak. "I want to protect you."

His bluntness leaves her at a disadvantage. Rin fumbles to try and argue with him. "I... I understand that, but.. And well, it's not like I don't appreciate what you are trying to do... I don't want it on my conscience that you sacrificed yourself protecting me."

"It's something I chose."

Shizuo, it seems, is someone stubborn and determined. Rin is left exasperated, wondering what she has left to try to convince him with. "You sound like such a noble idiot, Heiwajima." She sighs to herself and smiles. "But I guess that's what I like about you."

There is a moment of silence between them after she says that, as Rin realizes the meaning beneath those words. She blanches as she comes to understand what it was that she just said. And then she hesitates to try and take it back.

"W-what I meant was..."

He stares at her for a moment and it unnerves Rin. "As a student and a teacher." Shizuo seems to understand what it is that she is trying to say and blurts it out for her.

Rin quickly nods. "Yeah, exactly. That's what makes you my favorite student. That's what I meant."

And she is not sure why it makes her so self-conscious to have said something like that. There is not supposed to be any secret meaning behind it. In fact, the whole reason she is probably fretting over something so silly is because of Izaya's recurring belief that there is something between Shizuo and Rin that is not platonic. On the other hand, Rin is convinced – and determined – that there is nothing but friendship. How can there be anything else between a student and teacher, anyways?

"I..." Shizuo starts to say, then pauses. "... I want to graduate."

The way he says it seems entirely out of the blue. Yet it contradicts everything that he is doing right now. Since he will be expelled, at the very least, if the misunderstanding is not cleared up. Still, Rin feels some measure of relief hearing that from him. "You really want to graduate?"

He nods.

"I am glad to hear you say that, Heiwajima. I will do whatever I can to help you achieve that." Proudly, she flashes him a grin, hands on her hips. Then her happiness falters in the face of curiosity as she quietly asks him, "But, Heiwajima... You were so adamant a moment ago about protecting me. And to graduate, you have to clear up the misunderstanding. Why the change of heart?"

"If I graduate, you won't see me as a student anymore." He says those words as though he does not even understand the weight that they carry. Yet the look that Shizuo gives Rin tells her that he knows exactly what it means to be saying that.

And suddenly she is not so sure that things are completely platonic anymore.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Would you believe I meant to get this up a week and a half ago? Right now on a "vacation" for the whole summer where there is no internet. So in the sparse times I have it, I usually forget to take my USB drive along. And since my birthday is coming up in just a few days, I've been preoccupied relaxing. (As though I don't relax enough...?) XD Anyways, hope you guys enjoyed. The next chapter should come out sooner.


	12. Consequences

**Chapter 12 ; Consequences**

"What do you mean you don't want to recant? I already told the police and the school my account of what happened. You won't get in trouble for the vandalism. But I can't do anything about the assault, since I wasn't there, and Orihara claims he saw you."

Rather than answering her, Shizuo reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cigarette, which he wedges in between his lips. But before he can light up, Rin has already snatched it from his mouth. He frowns at her.

"What was all that about wanting to graduate? Then you are doing this?" she demands in exasperation.

The two are standing just outside his house, a day after the incident began. Even though the police released him from custody and the school is reconsidering the possibility of expulsion, the situation hasn't really gotten better. The accusation of assault stands and, for whatever reason, Shizuo does not see fit to discount it. Although, even if he did, it is unlikely the authorities would believe him above Izaya and the victim, who are both pointing the finger at Shizuo. It is a frustrating situation, but what unnerves Rin the most is that Shizuo is still insisting on protecting her.

As she is preoccupied thinking, she feels warm fingers slip around her wrist. Rin jolts from the contact, temporarily stunned as she watches Shizuo lift the cigarette from her fingers and replace the butt in his mouth. This time she is the one left frowning. "If you want to graduate, you should put your best effort forward. Lying to the authorities-"

"It isn't," he says, in between inhales, "A lie."

"You're trying to tell me you attacked him?"

At this, Shizuo looks almost pensieve. He thinks about it for a moment then gives a slight nod. "Saw him talking with Izaya." His teeth clench around the butt of the cigarette, until it is so crooked and crushed that he can't get any nicotine from it anymore. Then he bitterly puts it out against the cement step that he is sitting on.

Rin, who is standing in front of him, puts her hand on her hips. "And? You swung before thinking?"

Another slight nod, and then he is reaching for another cigarette.

Frustrated by watching him, Rin reaches out and grabs his hand this time. "I still don't know if you are lying to protect me or being honest, but either way, it is a relief to hear that his injuries weren't that severe and he will be out soon."

"A relief?" Shizuo echoes sardonically, obviously not sharing the same sentiment.

"And I forgot to give this to you before. It's late, but happy birthday, Heiwajima." She presses a wrapped box into the palm of his hand and finally releases his wrist. There is a warm smile on her face as she ushers him to open it quickly.

Unused to this kind of treatment, Shizuo just stares at the box. "A present?" he asks, as though he does not already know what it is. A quick nod from Rin affirms his suspicions. And then he stares at it again, as though he is not sure what to do with it.

"Open it," Rin prompts.

Although it seems a little strange to be tearing through the shiny packaging, Shizuo does as she requests. The paper shreds easily and falls onto the ground at his feet, until at last he can see the box that it was hiding. "A watch?" he asks with some measure of apprehension, as though he does not understand the meaning behind the gift.

"So you won't be late to class from now on. You want to graduate, right? You'll need one of these to make sure it happens. If you are always on time then, even though you don't have a perfect record, you are still doing your best." She flashes a grin at him.

It seems like exactly the kind of gift he should expect from Rin. There is a trace of a smile on Shizuo's face as he opens the box and takes out the watch. Rin leans down to help him secure it onto his wrist. It isn't anything expensive or flashy, but it is probably the best gift anyone has given him. But something suddenly occurs to him as he looks at the gift on his wrist. "Ah... Your birthday." Ironically, he remembers that he does not actually _know_ Rin's birthday.

"Don't worry, it's a while before it comes up, Heiwajima. Anyways, you don't have to worry about getting me anything. This was a practical gift. Something to help you get to school on time and improve your academic performance. I'm pretty predictable, huh?" She sighs to herself. "Rather than thinking about giving me anything, just be a good student. That'll be more than enough. If I can see you graduate, Heiwajima, then I'll feel like I have accomplished something. I'm only a temporary teacher, anyways, but... That's my dream."

"To see me graduate?" He echoes with a hint of disbelief.

"Well, we are friends by now, but you're still a bit of a delinquent. If I can help you to graduate, then maybe becoming a full time teacher isn't out of the realm of possibility, either." Both of her hands come to a rest on her hips as she gives him a sheepish grin.

Shizuo, however, does not reciprocate this sentiment as he repeats her words, "We are friends..."

Recalling what happened just a few days ago – the dialogue that included something like a confession on Shizuo's part, Rin blushes. And she isn't even sure why her cheeks heat up like a light bulb, but they do. "Right," she says hesitantly, "Friends..." Suddenly she feels herself losing her nerve. Since that is the last thing she wants to do in front of a student – in front of Shizuo – she lets out a small giggle before turning her back toward him. "Ah, time for me to go home. It's getting late. I'll talk to you tomorrow, Heiwajima, and hopefully we'll hear something from the school."

Before she can put in distance between them, he stands suddenly. The motion, which she can see just out of the corner of her eye since her head is partially turned, is enough to give her pause. And he reaches for her wrist, holding it delicately in that large hand of his. "Rin-san, thank you... For the gift."

Her lips tremble. "R-Rin-san?" she gasps in disbelief, whipping around to meet his gaze. "Who said you could call me so familiarly, Heiwajima?"

"We're friends, out of school," he points out, seeming entirely unaffected, despite the fact that Rin is flustered. In fact, if she did not know any better, she would think he was doing it purposefully just to see her stammer – just to see her squirm.

But Shizuo is not like that. At least, she is pretty sure he is not like that.

So she inwardly berates herself for acting so ludicrously. Then she tries to reestablish the boundary between them, the line that separates them and keeps her safe. "Even outside of school, despite being friends, I am still your teacher, Heiwajima. Once you graduate then maybe you can refer to me a little more informally..." Then her voice trails off. "You don't even usually call me sensei, so-"

"I never thought of you as a teacher."

That hurts, for some reason, and at the same time it weakens her walls. "You know, Heiwajima, if I didn't think you meant that innocently, I might want to punch you. Anyways, I really can't linger anymore. My fiancee is waiting." And she employs that purposefully – referring to her fiancee as a last resort, a way of defending herself from Shizuo's straightforward nature, that seems to so easily penetrate the facade she keeps up.

It seems to work, and while Shizuo's expression betrays no measure of emotion, there is a sadness in his eyes as he releases her wrist. "Yeah," he says dryly, "See you tomorrow." Those words leave her feeling lonely as he turns away and clambers up the steps into his house again. The door closes behind him with a hushed click.

Although the foundation of everything that she has spent so long building up feels so shaken, Rin steels herself as she always does. She tries to sigh away the troubles that plague her and then she puts up a smile. Fake as it is, it is enough to fool the world. Then she takes the first few steps toward home. But the whole way there, as much as she tries to keep up the impression that everything is fine, she keeps wavering. Her mind twists while her heart tremors, because she can feel herself losing grip on logic and reason.

But when she gets home, she calls out to announce her presence exuberantly, expecting Akira to welcome her back. Alas, there is no echo of a voice within the walls of her home and she easily guesses that he must still be out on business.

That is how it always seems to be. The gap between the two of them has just been gradually widening over time. It is Akira who she blames for allowing her heart to waver, for even a moment, because if they were already married, it wouldn't happen. Rin convinces herself of this much. While she remembers in the back of her mind, that mythical belief of soulmates that she had once had the naivete to entertain. Akira and Rin are not soulmates, however, that much she knows. Maybe that's why Shizuo has manage to wriggle in.

"Nonsense," she grumbles as she shakes her head, hoping that the nonsense will go away. "I have to start dinner, anyways." But her heart is even less into cooking than it usually is.

—

News comes the next day of an indefinite suspension for Shizuo, as the board of directors that oversees the school seem unable to agree on a course of action. It is better than expulsion but not getting an answer is, in many ways, worse. It is the problem of not knowing, of waiting without an answer that weighs upon Rin's heart. Although perhaps more correctly, it is the burden of guilt – of feeling responsible for the whole predicament, which stems from her own insecurity... Thinking that if, somehow, she had been able to defend herself from those men that night, Shizuo would not have had to. That thought brings her to a rather odd resolution.

"So, even though we have to wait to find out whether or not you can keep going... I am going to start taking martial arts lessons." Rin gives a determined nod as she stands in front of Shizuo's porch, where he is once again perched upon his steps.

"That's a bad idea," he points out bluntly.

Rin frowns at him. "What's bad about it? If I learn how to defend myself..."

"Your hands are better used for art." He sighs to himself, muttering something about hating violence, which seems a little ironic coming from him. Granted that Rin also dislikes fighting, but she honestly has little reservations about self-defense, which is her main aim in this endeavor.

"The frustrating thing there, Heiwajima, is I really can't argue the point with you." Now she is the one echoing his sigh, because Rin feels completely helpless. And frankly, she thinks that taking up martial arts might distract her a bit from her troubles. In the end, it is just like alcohol or cigarettes, however, because it is another escape from reality. A reality she inevitably will have to face.

But Shizuo seems amused, to some degree. There is a trace of a lopsided smile on his face. "Martial arts..." He seems to be thinking about her trying, visualizing it, and then it almost seems like he is going to laugh.

"Are you making fun of me because I'm fat?" she asks him with blatant anger.

He seems mildly taken aback by the accusatory inquisition. "Fat?" Those chocolate eyes blink at her for a moment. "You're not fat."

Having expected that answer, Rin just smiles to herself before settling down and taking a seat beside Shizuo. Their shoulders bump against each other, since there is little room on his steps for the both of them to sit apart.

Once again, on instinct, because the quiet has settled over them, Shizuo finds his hand itching toward his pant pocket. But then he hesitates as he casts a questioning glance over at Rin. He knows, despite his desire for nicotine, that Rin seems to detest the very sight of cigarettes.

"Go ahead," she tells him knowingly.

It seems odd for her to willingly allow him to do so, and for a moment Shizuo hesitates, as though her words do not register. But then he pulls out the pack, puts it to his mouth and places a butt between his lips. Moments later, he lights it up and the rush of calm that washes over him prompts him to slump forward slightly. And just as he lets out a ring of smoke from his mouth, he jolts when he feels something press against his shoulder.

Hesitantly, the blonde-haired man looks over at Rin, who is leaning against him. There is a feeling of nostalgia as he looks at her, reminiscing about their time together in the kitchen. But this time, she has her eyes open and she is fully awake. He almost chokes, forgetting to exhale.

"Just for a moment," she tells him, "And pretend this never happened."

Those are sad words to Shizuo, who understands that she is trying to be strong. Despite how difficult, how unsettling it must have been in the moment... Back when she was surrounded, in the darkness, by three men. How, in what had once been the safety of her own classroom, she had almost been assaulted. Not knowing what might have happened is almost more terrifying for her, he is sure.

Although there is no way for him to ever truly grasp the fear that she felt, he can see that, despite how well she has held up, Rin is a normal human. A normal woman. Even though she is a teacher, she still feels pain – still feels helpless. He can also guess that she has not told anyone, too ashamed, too embarrassed, too hurt to do so.

So he reaches his arm around her back and places his palm on top of her head. His fingers splay out over her scalp, her silky hair brushing against his skin as he holds her against his shoulder. In words, he could say that he is sorry that this is all he can do for her – all she will allow him to do for her. But actions always speak loudest, especially between the two of them. So in this moment where words would surely fail to convey proper meaning, they sit together without speaking a one of them. Just soaking in the sun that is setting in the horizon.

And Rin takes a deep inhale, a smell reminiscent to pine filling her nostrils. It relaxes her and so she closes her eyes. While her burdens ease, her heart does not settle. Rather, it beats faster now than ever before, and she can hear it pounding in her ears.

Whatever enjoyment the two derive from the close contact is cut short when the door creaks open behind them. Rin shoots upright immediately, stumbling off the step. Her face flushes in embarrassment as she realizes her momentary lapse in judgment, which leaves her inwardly admonishing herself for not having more control of her emotions.

Considering that her cheeks are as red as tomatoes, she has no intention of turning around and facing Shizuo – or the person standing in the doorway.

"Dinner."

It sounds like Shizuo's brother, which gives Rin some measure of relief – that it isn't his parents. But the guilt of her actions seems to be chewing her up from the inside anyways... The recurring realization that such a close friendship seems almost inappropriate. Although she has reminded herself of that repeatedly, she finds herself caving nevertheless.

A less critical person might realize that being a teacher does not mean one is not human. It just means one is trusted in a position of authority, where mistakes should not be made... That does not mean they don't happen, however. But Rin, she is not that kind of person. So she blames herself instead, not realizing the expectations she has set for herself are too unrealistic. Not realizing that the line that "should have never been crossed," according to her, was never set forth to begin with. Maybe, just as Shizuo never saw her as a teacher, she never truly saw him as a student.

But she won't let herself think like that right now.

"Dinner, right," she mumbles to herself with some measure of trepidation. "I should be..."

"Coming?" A voice asks Rin, interrupting her. When she peers over her shoulder, she sees that Kasuka is staring at her with his oddly probing eyes. Shizuo is standing beside him with an equally uncomfortable look.

"M-Me?" Rin asks, dumbfounded.

As though it is the most obvious thing, Kasuka gives a slight bob of the head. "Miso soup."

She pauses to consider the fact that it has been a long time since she had a warm, homemade meal that didn't taste burnt. It is also a temptation to be among people that make her feel welcomed, rather than Akira, who has been both cold and distant to her for some time. And the whole time she is thinking about it, her embarrassment and thoughts about it have faded.

"Rin-san."

The sound of Shizuo's voice calling out to her by her first name disrupts Rin from her thinking. She hesitantly takes a step toward them. Then another. And another. Until, before she is even really aware of what is happening, the door is closed behind her and she is following Shizuo and Kasuka into the kitchen.

As they approach the table, she spends her time preoccupied wondering when and if his parents will be eating there, too. And that, if they will be, how she is supposed to explain her presence. However, as they all sit down together at the table, she notices that only three places have been set. Apparently, although she is not sure why, the boys' parents won't be eating with them.

Still, she feels a little stiff and awkward as she sits with them, staring into the bowl that Kasuka has prepared for her. It does look delicious, and the smell is tantalizing. Hesitantly, she picks up her spoon and starts by taking a small slurp.

Shizuo, who is sitting beside her, eats quietly as well, and the way there is a complete silence across the table seems a little startling at first. But, as Rin quickly discovers, neither of the other two seem the least bit uncomfortable at the fact that there is no exchange of words. There seems to be an air of mutual understanding, which she comes to appreciate.

"Kasuka-san, about the other day..." she mumbles under her breath after swallowing a spoonful. The warmth tickles her throat. "When Heiwajima brought me here..."

It seems like the proper thing to do is explain. She does not want him to misunderstand. Yet the simple fact that she is bothering to explain makes him stare at her as though she is some kind of alien – as though he does not understand why she bothers.

"You don't have to explain," Shizuo stops to tell her.

"But if he misunderstands..."

While the two of them seem to be in a bit of a disagreement about it, Shizuo insisting there is no misunderstanding to be had, Kasuka silently sips away at his soup. There seems to be no indication, one way or another, by the expression on his face, as to how he feels.

But at last, once he has finished every last drop in his bowl, he opens his mouth to speak. Only a single word comes out. "Together."

This time, both Shizuo and Rin are baffled by the simplicity of what he said. "Can you be more specific?" Rin asks with apprehension, as though she is not sure how wise it is to be asking for a clarification. She suspects that Kasuka may be as equally straightforward as his elder sibling.

"The two of you, together..."

"We're not together!" Rin protests vehemently. When she realizes that she is standing, hands balled up into fists at her side, she quickly takes a seat. Her face flares up again in a deep blush as she wonders when it was that she started losing her cool over these kinds of things so easily... How it seems, at the mention of a relationship between herself and Shizuo, that she can't help but furiously deny.

"Took it too seriously," Shizuo mumbles as he slurps another spoonful. Apparently, according to his reaction, Kasuka was either joking or teasing.

"...are an odd pair," Kasuka mumbles, finally finishing the beginning of his sentence.

What Rin derives of Kasuka's uttering is morbid amusement at the situation, because she is pretty sure that the boy has a lopsided, barely visible grin on his face as his beady eyes dart between her and Shizuo. And it is in that way, that he speaks few words and his eyes show a weariness of age, far beyond his own years, that Kasuka resembles Shizuo. It is in this similarity that Rin finds herself more at ease.

She settles back into the monotony of spooning out small portions, her cheeks red with embarrassment. Rin doesn't look at the two sitting with her, who contrarily seem candidly unaffected at the situation while she is self-conscious about it.

When the meal is over and Kasuka gets up to start taking the dishes to the sink, Rin immediately pops out of her chair to help him. But Shizuo's shadow looms over her the moment she starts reaching for her own bowl. "Leave them," he commands, sounding more assertive than she is used to. Although it is probably not his intention – the more she hears his voice, the more Rin starts to notice how deep it is. Not the squeaky tone of a boy going through puberty. Shizuo left that stage long ago. And somehow she inwardly denies it, because Rin knows that otherwise she would think of him as a man.

"Right," she says suddenly, "I don't really have the time to stick around, do I, Heiwajima? Well, I should be off. Have to get back home before my fiancee starts worrying." Although she is pretty sure that Akira is not the least bit concerned as to her whereabouts. Rin throws that in there, simply for the fact that she wants to reestablish that line between her and Shizuo.

His eyes soften, in a way that they seem almost saddened. "Mm... See you tomorrow."

Rin hastily brushes by him. "Right, tomorrow then, Heiwajima." She is relieved as she marches to the front door, that Shizuo does not give pursuit to see her off. Instead she is left to her thoughts – the demons of temptation that they seem to have become. And as soon as she is out the door, she is flagging a taxi down to carry her as far away from his house as possible, lest a moment of weakness overwhelm her again.

Time trickles slowly as she rides in the back seat, window rolled down so that she can feel the cool winter air on her face. It chills her cheeks, which flush with color – though not as red as they had been just a bit ago when she had embarrassed herself. But the cool caress of the wind soothes the ache of her heart, until finally the taxi comes to an abrupt stop that slings her forward.

After delivering a harsh reprimand to the driver, Rin hands him his money and barely manages to slam the door shut before he takes off again. She curses under her breath as she heads up the stairs to her house. And just as she opens the door and steps in, still muttering obscenities, she is mildly shocked to see Akira standing in front of her.

"Rin-san," he greets her formally with a tinge of remorse in his voice.

The way he calls her name sends a chill down her spine and Rin hesitates to take her shoes off at the entrance, slowly closing the door – as though to give her a moment to gain her composure before she has to turn to face him again.

Resting beside Akira is a suitcase, which seems to be jam-packed, the seams bulging. Her first thought is that he is going on another business trip, but Rin knows better. Akira never packs that heavily for a business trip. No, this is definitely...

"I thought I would ask you what these are..."

He throws something down on the floor in front of her. At first it is a blur of colors and takes a moment for Rin's eyes to adjust, but with great horror she recognizes the picture that are now splayed out across the floor in front of her. Photos of when she had been assaulted by those male students, taken from an angle that paints the situation in a very different color. She blanches at the recognition, swallowing the already-forming lump in her throat.

"Those are-" she starts to explain, but Akira interrupts her.

"I thought I would ask you what these are," he reiterates before continuing, "But then I realized it doesn't matter. Whether you have an excuse or not, our relationship has been crumbling for some time now. The trust that I used to have in you isn't there anymore. So even if you could explain it to me, I'm not sure I could believe you."

Her lips tremble with the words she wants to say, but they won't come out. Perhaps it is because of shock from the situation, which leaves her reeling to get a grasp on reality – on what is happening. Rin cannot even fathom... Who took these pictures? Where did they come from?

"Let's call this the end. I'll let you burn those and save your dignity. Whatever the situation, it is yours to deal with. I have work early in the morning so I'm going to be leaving." With tired eyes, he reaches for the handle of the suitcase and starts toward the door.

And finally, the words she wants to speak roll off of Rin's tongue. "Where... Where did you get those?"

Perhaps he is surprised that she does not blubber excuses, but her question does give Akira momentary pause as he breathes a sigh. "It was in the mailbox. An unmarked envelope, with neither a receiving address nor a return one." Then reaches for the door knob and in the split second where Rin's mind is still blank, he leaves without another word.

"Unmarked...?" she gasps in disbelief. But Rin already knows, as she drops to her knees in despair, where those photos came from. The tears well up in the ducts of her eyes as she reaches for them with her shaky hands. "Orihara..."

This is the consequence for getting in the way of Shizuo's expulsion.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Huge thanks for the reviews, Sepsis. I would write a longer note but in a place where I don't have internet very often and don't get to be online for long. So I'll be brief. Hope you enjoyed it, thanks for reading, and please leave me some feedback. :)


	13. Miserably Loving You

**Chapter 13 ; Miserably Loving You**

"You can stay here," he offers sheepishly. In his awkwardness, Shizuo finds himself unconsciously rubbing the back of his neck and averting his eyes. "It looks like it's going to rain soon." Although it is little more than an excuse, the fact is that he actually makes the effort to employ one – uncommon, considering he is usually a person of few words, anyways.

Her eyes are still red and puffy from the early crying, but Rin is quick to wipe away her tears. Since she has recovered her purse, now dangling from the crook of her elbow, there is no more reason for her to stay. Even so, Shizuo wants to try and convince her otherwise. Any excuse, he figures, will do. But the one he employs proves largely ineffective, as she offers him a smile with a polite, "No, but thank you, Heiwajima-san. I should really be getting home."

Those words make his heart sink, because he knows that any further attempts will be unsuccessful. She seems intent. And while he has accepted her apology, and he would like to think of it as the first step to them starting over, the possibility of anything between them ended years ago. As much as his brain tries to reason that, his heart does not listen.

So he fumbles with his thoughts, searching for any reason to see her again. To see her before she walks down that aisle and straight into the arms of another man. He has to come up with something – even if it is futile.

"Tomorrow," he blurts out without thinking, "Ah... After work... Dinner..." Somehow it comes out jumbled and incomprehensible. Even Shizuo feels the sting of embarrassment as those eyes of Rin's bore a hole through him.

"Are you asking me out on a date?"

The way she tries to clarify so bluntly leaves him a stuttering mess. "D-date...?" He blinks rapidly and starts to shake his head. Except, it isn't entirely incorrect, but he knows if she thinks of it like a date, she will probably say no. So he isn't entirely sure how to...

Suddenly Rin lets out a hearty chuckle. "That was a good expression, Heiwajima-san. You really haven't changed." On the contrary, it seems like Rin really has. "Why don't we go to a bar? Now that you're old enough, we can splurge on drinks and enjoy. I can come over after work and we can go together."

Although he has never been one for alcohol, the grin that spreads across her face when she asks him leaves Shizuo unable to refuse. Still, the way she talks seems to be just like in the past – keeping him at a distance and drawing a line between them, one that he is not supposed to cross. So he gives a reluctant nod and a vague grunt, "Mm," to confirm their "date."

The conversation ends there and Rin turns to leave. Shizuo watches her back as she opens the door and steps out, just as the rain starts. But even the precipitation cannot dissuade Rin from leaving. She seems intent on putting space between them. The void that he had hoped would disappear after his feelings were resolved seems to be as much of a gaping chasm as before. He cannot bridge the gap by himself – Rin has to meet him halfway, and since she has moved on, it does not seem as though she has any interest in doing so. But maybe, he tells himself, the fact that she invited him to go to a bar tomorrow is a step in the right direction.

With great anticipation, Shizuo showers to wash off the stench of the trash that he had sorted through earlier. Then it is his usual nightly routine, ramen for dinner, a cigarette thereafter, and then he brushes his teeth before going to bed. In the morning, his eyes are already wide open before the alarm clock can even begin ringing.

He goes through the monotony of getting dressed, eating breakfast, and brushing his teeth again. While his focus is entirely on Rin, Shizuo barely registers the sound of rapping on his front door. When he goes to answer, he is only mildly surprised to see Kasuka standing on his doormat in his usual disguise, with sun glasses and a hat to hide his features.

Before any greetings can be spoken, Kasuka poses a question. "Were you honest?" Those eyes of his, tired and weary from long hours of shooting, interviews, and photo shoots, stare up at Shizuo, searching for an answer.

But while it seems so simple, Shizuo is not sure what he should say in return. He was honest to a degree, in telling Rin that he missed her. Honest in forgiving her and no longer begrudging her. Yet he can feel himself wanting more. The feelings that linger from the past are so strangely overwhelming, as though, while people say time heals all wounds, time has done nothing to alleviate his longing. If he is to be completely honest, then he does not want Rin to walk down that aisle. He wants to tell her to cancel the wedding. Even though Shizuo knows better than anybody that he has no right to make such a request, not when Rin has finally found happiness.

So his shoulders sag as he breathes a sigh. "I don't know." The answer turns out to be even more vague than the question.

"Don't regret it."

Those are words that he should already know, but they hit Shizuo with some impact. He is not sure what he would regret more: telling Rin and ruining her happiness, or holding it in and stilting his own happiness. Neither seems particularly good. He is not even sure which one he dislikes more.

"Airport," Kasuka mumbles beneath his breath as he turns to leave. "Going overseas for a while."

Apparently for another movie, or so Shizuo assumes. He does not ask his younger brother, since he has never been terribly interested in films, anyways. Instead he just gives a slight bob of the head as Kasuka turns to leave.

But before Kasuka gets even five steps away, he pauses to reiterate what he said to Shizuo earlier, "Be honest. Don't regret it." The fact that he purposefully goes out of his way to relay this advice seems to suggest that, though Kasuka shows little indication, he is concerned about his older brother.

That morning's event ends up delaying Shizuo from his daily trip to the convenient store for more cigarettes, but even though he is itching for nicotine the rest of the day, he seems to be in a "good mood." What this means for his victims is little more than less severe injuries. His preoccupation thinking about the date to come also happens to lower his reaction time, if only by a coupe more seconds.

Still, Shizuo's behavior is suspicious enough to rouse Tom's curiosity. Although Tom is relieved to see the blonde-haired man a little less on the short-tempered side than usual, he is mildly concerned about the recent emotional roller-coaster that Shizuo seems to have been on. However, for Tom, the important thing is that the job goes smoothly, which it does especially well when Shizuo doesn't jump people at the snap of a finger. So he hopes – whatever good fortune has befallen Shizuo – that it continues to look favorably upon them. And maybe that wish is not just for business reasons but a more genuine hope of happiness for someone who seems to generally lack it.

They happen to finish their rounds earlier than usual. Either because the slightly deranged looking smile on Shizuo's face is scaring the debtors shitless and so they are paying up without trying to hold out, or because Shizuo spends much less time pulverizing them if they don't.

At the end of the work day, Shizuo bids Tom a hasty farewell, barely managing to get a word out before he jets off in the direction of his apartment. And even though he took a shower this morning, he takes another as soon as he gets home. His hair is still dripping wet by the time he hears a knock on the door.

When he cracks it open, Rin is standing on the front porch wearing a great big grin on her face. And if he did not know any better, he would think she is drunk, but there is no smell of alcohol about her. Just a fragrance of apples and cinnamon. "Hey," she greets informally.

For a moment he is taken aback by how casually she treats him, when it always seems as though she is trying to firmly keep that distance between them. But Shizuo won't complain if it means they are getting even a little closer. "Aah... Hey."

"Ready to go?"

He gives a hesitant nod and follows after her as she starts for the stairwell. Shizuo quickly locks the door to his apartment before trying to catch up with Rin. It proves easy, considering the height difference between them has only increased in the years they have not seen each other. Even though he is not really conscious of it, she seems to silently scrutinize the measurement.

"At least I'm not still short _and_ fat," she mutters to herself.

"Huh?" Shizuo asks blankly, catching wind of it.

Another flashy grin. "Ah, I'm just surprised at how much you've changed, Heiwajima-san. Or maybe how much you haven't. Maybe I am still trying to decide which one."

Somehow, he thinks it is the latter. Nothing feels like it has changed. On the other hand, he could easily say that he thinks Rin has changed a lot. Although she would probably think he was referring to her weight, that is really the last thing that Shizuo notices when he thinks about the former Rin and the current one. Even though he cannot quite pinpoint what it is that differentiates the two of them so much from each other, there is a familiarity that rouses the old feelings he has – as though his heart does not differentiate at all, even if his mind does.

"Thinking about something?"

There must have been some kind of pensive look on his face for her to ask. But Shizuo just shakes his head, not being one to communicate his thoughts. It was all absentminded, anyways. Discussing the changes between now and then is just idle small talk. Frankly, he would rather ask her about what happened all those years ago. But Rin does not seem inclined to answer.

"You know, when you said you had a girlfriend, I was really curious."

Hearing her say that catches his attention. "Curious?" he echoes questioningly.

Rin gives a sharp nod. "Mm, yeah, I was curious. What kind of person would Shizuo Heiwajima-san date, I wonder? Would it be the cute, innocent type? Or maybe it would be the strong and independent type? Somehow, I can't imagine it."

"Can't imagine me finding someone?" Immediately he sounds dejected.

Shocked that he takes it that way, she suddenly stops in the middle of the sidewalk and grabs his arm. "Ah – Heiwajima – that is, I didn't mean..."

"It was a lie.," he tells her with a cracked grin that probably does not suit his personality. "And you finally dropped the -san."

"A lie? Were you teasing me?" Rin furrows her brows. She does not even seem to notice that they have fallen back into their old routine. That, even though she is still using his last name, Rin is slowly starting to become the Rin he remembers. The formality and the awkwardness is no longer burdening the conversation like an unimaginable weight.

"Well..." He offers her little more than that for an answer as he shrugs off her hand and keeps walking. It is probably something unusual to see Shizuo "joke," probably because he never really has.

Rin catches up to him with some effort and he slows his pace to match hers. There is a great discrepancy in the length of their legs, which would require her to sprint to stay by his side if he was walking. But now they are in sync together, with just a few inches between them. "You know, I definitely do think you can find someone. It has nothing to do with that. I just wonder what type of person they would be."

Even though he does not answer her, Shizuo inwardly goes through the qualities that he remembers about Rin. Clumsy, creative, at times clueless, stubborn, persistent, insecure, independent, strong on the outside and yet weak on the inside. That is probably what he would use to describe the type of person he would want to date. But if he says that to Rin, he is sure she will brush him off.

"Well, when you find them, you can introduce me."

He ignores that part intentionally. "Where is this bar?"

"Huh?" It takes her by surprise when he asks suddenly. "Oh, right. It's just down the street a little ways. Have we been walking that long?"

"It's gotten dark," Shizuo remarks, noting the sky. There are surely stars up there shining brightly, but he cannot see them.

"Did we pass it?" Rin wonders to herself absently.

Fortunately, despite her poor sense of direction, it really is just a little farther down the street. When they find it, the mismatched pair enter – though Shizuo nearly has to duck to miss hitting the top of the door frame, which Rin makes a sly remark about, to pay him back for teasing her earlier. Inside, they take seats together at the bar, side-by-side.

While Rin orders – something, Shizuo isn't really sure what it is, because he does not know alcohol very well – he glances around the room. There is a good ambiance about the place, easygoing with people that seem to be all smiles and laughs in their inebriation.

"So, Heiwajima-san," and she is tacking on that -san again, "You said you're a bodyguard right? For what kind of person?"

Although he is sure that Rin will think it shady, Shizuo tells her honestly. "A debt collector." The bartender passes him a glass of clear liquid, and even though he is not entirely sure what it is, he takes a swig. It burns as it goes down, leaving his throat with a strange tingling sensation.

Rin is doing the same, however, taking a sip of hers, which is ruby red-colored. He isn't sure what it is, either. But he hopes she can hold her alcohol well enough, since he remembers that it has not been that long since his last experience that left him completely hammered with a hangover the next morning.

"Hm, I guess I could imagine you doing some kind of work like that," she says to herself with an approving nod, which kind of surprises him. "I think it is really good if you can put your own talents to use. Using your strength to protect someone, that's really good." The way she says that reveals a sort of lingering sadness, as though she regrets that her own talents could not be put to similar use.

"Still drawing?" Shizuo asks her, since they are on that subject.

Her head bobs slightly as she takes another sip. "I am, sort of. It's just a hobby, but I certainly do it when I have spare time. That doesn't turn out to be very often, though, you know. It's strange how I had so much time for it before and I don't have any now. That's what it means to grow older, I guess."

"About Izaya," he mentions suddenly, even though he is sure the both of them don't want to discuss the flea. "What did he do to you?"

At the mention, she downs the rest of her glass and flags down the bartender for some more. Her eyes are starting to become unfocused and he can smell the liquor on her breath, even from a distance, when she turns her gaze toward him and starts to speak. "Orihara, huh? I really... don't even want to think about that person."

Rather than pressing her with words, Shizuo just stares at Rin while she takes another swig of her drink. He hopes that she'll continue, even if she is reluctant, because it something that he feels he _needs_ to know. Even if it does not change the present, the past has been bugging him relentlessly. And he is convinced that knowing will be some sort of comfort for him.

Rin, on the other hand, seems to think of the truth as a burden. "Better if you don't ask," she tells him tersely. The mention of Izaya seems to put her in a bad mood. "The past is the past, right? There are some things you're better off not knowing."

"I don't care." He dismisses her attempt to dissuade him without hesitation. Shizuo is intent this time, and maybe his unusual persistence comes from the alcohol.

"When I think of that time..." She pauses for another drink. "... I start feeling regret and then I hate myself for it. I should be happy that I did what I did. But when I think I can never teach again with it hanging over my head, I can't help it."

"Regret what?" Shizuo prompts her in confusion. He reels inwardly, trying to piece together the fragments of memory from those times that he still has. It's not vivid enough for him to remember the particulars – all he can recall is that Rin suddenly stopped teaching at the school. Whether she quit or was dismissed, school officials never really explained. And after the incident, he never bothered to ask. The tears start to well up in her eyes as she reaches for her glass again, but this time Shizuo stops her by grabbing her wrist. "Explain it."

Her lips tremble with the words she doesn't want to speak but they seem to come out anyway, like a word vomit she cannot hold back any longer. "I'm such a hypocrite... How naively could I preach to you about not wanting to be protected and thinking of you as a stubborn fool the whole while... And then when I am in the same situation, I make the same choice."

"Same choice?" Suddenly the room feels like it is spinning and closing in on him. Once again, he is not sure whether or not it is the alcohol. The things that Rin are saying are too vague to make out. As much as he tries to assimilate the information, it falls apart before he can piece the whole puzzle together. He needs to know more. So he grabs her by the shoulder, perhaps more forcefully than he should and repeats himself. "What do you mean by 'same choice'?"

Through the fog of alcohol that seems to be clouding her mind and her eyes, Rin stares at him with quivering lips. At once she wants to tell him and admit it, like the word vomit she just spewed unwilling. But at the same time she bites down hard on her tongue to keep from letting it slip. Obviously she does not want to say.

"Rin," he calls her name informally, desperately. "What choice?"

Woefully she tells him, "It wasn't really a choice. Not for me. I shouldn't be crying. Knowing that you were able to graduate, that's enough for me."

Her answer is not much of an answer. It reveals nothing and frustrates him. But, even though he is slow to catch it, she does unwittingly give him a clue. "Graduation? What does that have to do with it?"

Those eyes of hers go large as she realizes her mistake. At once, Rin seems to inwardly admonish herself as she shakes her hand free of Shizuo's grasp and takes hold of her drink. Once again she manages to down all of it before he can wrestle it from her, although he is inclined to think that perhaps she will be more willing to tell him the more drunk she becomes. But that is a poor thought that Shizuo ends up feeling guilty for. Still, he holds onto the hope that she will divulge just a bit more.

Rin, however, does not seem keen on letting anything else slip. "Aren't you going to drink some, Heiwajima?" The -san has mysteriously disappeared again, probably because she is too hammered to think about formalities.

"I don't like alcohol," he tells her honestly, forsaking the opportunity to try to charm her any further. Just as Kasuka advised him earlier, Shizuo feels like the "charade" has lasted long enough. Even though his stomach is twisting into knots and his feelings are aflutter, he cannot allow himself to get so far carried away that he cannot even be honest with himself.

The room has become blurry, anyways. Probably from the glass that he finished earlier. He has never been particularly good at holding his alcohol. And plus, Shizuo can feel a headache coming on. A throbbing that he attributes to his frustration and the turmoil inside his head as he tries to figure out what he should be saying – doing.

"Ah," Rin says, as though she has finally regained some clarity, "So you didn't really want to come to the bar." Once again there is a sadness in her eyes as she tilts the cup in her hands. The ice slides around noisily, smacking against the glass sides as it melts and mingles with the fresh alcohol that the bartender just poured for her.

The longer they sit together, the heavier the silence between them becomes. There was once a time that they could have that mutual understanding that Shizuo enjoys with Kasuka. But that time has passed. As far as Rin is concerned – as far as they both should be concerned – the world has continued turning despite their broken hearts. While she has lingered in the past, while Shizuo has retained his bitterness, everyone else has moved on. Everything has progressed, even without them. But even she knows that this is not entirely true.

In the stupor that she is in, maybe Rin finds it difficult to swallow her guilt, her remorse, and the wistfulness that seems etched across the features of her face. She can taste the salt of her own tears on her tongue, which is far stronger and much more bitter than any alcoholic beverage.

With difficulty, she struggles to come to a conclusion that she does not want to reach – that as much as she muses the idea of having a friendship with Shizuo again, they are too different now for that to be possible. The more time they spend together, the more she can see it. The gap with no bridge to cross it. It separates them from each other and from themselves.

And maybe it is because she realizes this that she finally tells Shizuo what he has been itching to hear – the unburdened truth. "You protected me... You saved me. You were there for me when I had nothing, without even knowing it. It made me feel guilty and helpless. So when the time came, I took the fall... by myself, so that you wouldn't have to."

"Took the fall?" he asks for clarification.

"Since there was nothing I could do for you, I thought I could at least protect you."

Even though what she is saying should make sense, it does not. He does not understand. How was she protecting him? That is not what he remembers. Shizuo cannot interpret it that way, no matter how much he tries to frame the situation thinking of Rin as someone innocent. Not when he remembers how coldly she told him that he was a monster.

But he knows somehow, through the involvement of Izaya, Rin ended up leaving the school and leaving Shizuo behind. He wonders why. What was the situation, that she somehow came to be the one looking out for him instead of the other way around? He cannot fathom.

So he holds his head in his hands, fingers grasping a fistful of hair in the process. The frustration is evident in the way he grimaces from the pain of his headache.

"Was I a good actor?"

The question catches him by surprise and he jolts, looking over at Rin quizzically.

"I was supposed to make you hate me. I did good, didn't I?" There are no tears in her eyes, but they are glazed over as she stares at the wall absently. Rin's voice sounds strangely hollow. "Since you never came after me, I thought I must have done good. You weren't looking back at me anymore, were you? You were moving forward, walking ahead in front of me, right? As long as I think that way, I can bear it, somehow, I can stand it. Because even though sometimes I doubt myself, I have no regrets from loving you."

He stares at her in surprise. This is the first time... Those words have never come out of her mouth before. "You loved me?" It seems like all he is capable of doing is echoing her, but he is too stunned to say anything else. He has to ask, has to know.

She looks at him as the tears brim in her eyes and there is a frown on her lips. Rin is trying to keep from crying again. "I still love you."

* * *

**Author's Note:** I was worried that the end was too over dramatic but someone assured me it was okay. As I reread it (proofreading in the process) I decided that I like it. Painting Smiles is really different from anything I have ever written before, so I really love this story. Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter.

On an off note, I'm looking for another beta reader (More for Tzigane but I would welcome someone willing for Painting Smiles, too.) What that means is mostly a sounding board or someone I can bounce ideas off of, not really someone to proofread because I prefer to do that myself. Not that I mind constructive criticism and it wouldn't hurt if said person was a stickler for ICness in the way of canon characters. But anyways, if anyone is interested then please message. :)


	14. Fishing for a Believable Excuse

**Chapter 14 ; Fishing for a Believable Excuse**

She reaches for an old, dusty picture frame at her bedstand. It is a photo of her and Akira. Internally, Rin debates whether or not it is something she wants to keep, but since feelings always seem to linger whether you want them to or not, she eventually stows it away in the cardboard crate. It ends up packed away alongside some other miscellaneous items that she does not want to leave behind when Akira comes to clean out the house before putting it up for sale.

It is during this time when she knows for certain that things are over. Boxing up her things, she knows she cannot deny anymore that things between her and Akira have ended. It is a confirmation of what has passed but also a revelation of a new beginning.

And while Rin silently sheds a few tears as she goes into the closet that they shared together to remove some of her clothes from their hangers, she feels a strange sense of satisfaction. Perhaps she has always known that this would happen and so she feels relief that the time has finally come. Either way, she makes a promise to herself – as soon as she walks out that door, she won't shed a single tear while wondering what she could have done differently. Instead, Rin tells herself that she will look forward to the future.

By midday she has most of her things packed away, aside from the furniture – most of which belongs to Akira, anyways. And she ends up spending her afternoon going to different realtors, trying to find an apartment closer to the school so that she can at least finish her last few months there without a long commute.

It is about that time, when she is shuffling through a sheaf of papers, all of which are fliers to different available apartments, that she ends up crashing into someone on the sidewalk. While the sheets in her hand go flying through the air, she ends up reeling backward, landing rather ungracefully upon her rear end.

"Excuse me," comes a familiar voice as the person bends down to help her gather her things. Rin is mildly surprised to see Kasuka, who sets down two convenience store bags as he assists her with catching the papers that flew from her hand when they collided.

"Sorry," she fumbles with her apology belatedly as he hands her the stack of fliers, "It was me. I wasn't watching where I was going." As the two of them stand up together, she tucks a loose lock of her hair behind her ear, feeling a little nervous in the presence of Shizuo's brother. Maybe it is because she feels a little guilty, having not visited Shizuo in several days.

Kasuka's glazed eyes focus on her hand as she fiddles with her hair. "You broke up," he remarks vaguely. Whether it is actually a question or an assumption, she cannot be sure because his tone of voice always remains even.

"O-Oh..." Rin hides her hand behind her back, smiling uneasily. She wonders if she can cover it up with a lie quick enough that Kasuka won't suspect her. Either way, she does not want the news getting to Shizuo. She knows he will blame himself. "It's complicated..."

"Why?"

Strangely, as different as Kasuka might be from Shizuo, he is nonetheless similar. His way of posing vague questions that always catch her off-guard is exactly like his older sibling. She smiles wistfully to herself as she thinks that, maybe because she finds herself missing that kind of straightforward sincerity. The last few days she has spent isolated, calling off from school.

In her head she debates how to answer Kasuka's question, from whether or not to tell the truth to whether or not to spin a lie. But at last she settles on responding honestly, if only in the same vague way that he asked in the first place. "I guess... Sometimes you know the end is coming and there is nothing you can do about it. Yet you begin wondering if it ever really was an end at all... Or maybe a beginning." She waves her hand dismissively. "Anyways, it is something like that. I'm being sentimental."

He stares at her for a moment, as though evaluating her words. "My brother's suspension has been lifted." News that she has already heard but has not yet had the opportunity to congratulate Shizuo for. Maybe that is because she does not want to see him, since she knows that he will be able to see right through her. He will know what Izaya did, he will blame himself, and then she will feel guilty because in the end nobody was protected.

"That's good," Rin tells him. "Please tell him I said congratulations."

"Do you regret it?"

Another offhanded question that throws her for a loop. "H-huh? Regret what?" Her brow quirks at him.

His responses come slow, words drawled out purposefully. "With your fiancee."

Rin feels a little relieved at his clarification, if only because she feared at first that Kasuka knew all of the circumstances surrounding it. She gives a quiet sigh. "Hm... I guess I am sad, but I don't regret it. Thinking back, there are times when I was really happy, so I cannot regret it. Plus, I would like to think all the decisions I have made up 'til this point were good ones. That would be invalidated if I dwelled on regrets."

Kasuka inclines his head, his fingers shifting as he holds the plastic bags in his hands a little tighter. "Come for dinner." Rather than seeming like an invite, it sounds more like he is trying to command her to do it. Those eyes of his have a particular forceful sway, not like Rin would usually expect from a person with Kasuka's temperament.

And she smiles despite herself, giggling just under her breath because of how strangely happy it makes her to feel like she is welcome to eat with the Heiwajimas. Still, she respectfully declines. "I have to finish packing, since I have to go back to teach class tomorrow. And I need to move out by Wednesday, so..." Her voice trails off for a moment. "Ah, I really hate to ask this of you, but could you keep this a secret from Heiwajima? Even if he doesn't look like it, he is the kind of person who worries a lot, isn't he? So that's why..."

"You will regret," he tells her, "If you're not honest."

Hearing such words from a middle school student surprises her. But Kasuka ends up leaving without another word, not bothering to agree or disagree to her plea to keep his silence. He is a mysterious person, more of an enigma than Shizuo has ever been. Still, Rin supposes there is wisdom to his words.

Yet, and maybe it is because she wants to create an excuse for herself, she thinks that as young as he is, he does not know that there are decisions that must be made even if they are to be regretted later. She breathes out another sigh, hugs the fliers to her chest and sets off back toward her house. It is a long walk from here, but even though her side aches before she is even halfway home, Rin is too preoccupied with her own thoughts to notice.

When she finally gets back, she lines up most of the boxes by the door. All that is left is a few pairs of her clothes and the blanket on her bed. It feels strange, she thinks, after she visits the bathroom to brush her teeth and then changes into her pajamas, to suddenly be all by herself after being with Akira for so long. The bed has just enough room to fit an extra person, too, which feels awkward when she is curled up all to one side herself. And she keeps thinking that if she peeks over her shoulder, she will see him lying there beside her. But there is never anyone there.

Going to sleep without waking up intermittently proves difficult. It takes some time before she eventually passes out and manages to enjoy a dreamless slumber, all the way until morning when her alarm clock goes off, buzzing at her noisily.

Rin prepares herself, hair thrown into a messy bun and a pencil skirt sitting at her waist while a respectable, short-sleeved blouse covers her torso. She does not even bother to check her appearance in the mirror on her way out. She suspects no amount of make up will hide the circles under her eyes, so it is pointless to try.

And while the thing she should be most dreading is her first class where she will have to instruct in front of Izaya, Rin is more afraid of encountering Shizuo. She spends her whole way to school debating what she will say to him when she does inevitably bump into him.

Fortunately, she gets there early enough to avoid him. Straight to the classroom, which has been cleaned and repaired thoroughly after the "vandalism." Although she feels a little uneasy being in the place where she was attacked, she instructs as she always would. Some students work diligently while following her instructions. Others slack off in their boredom. She makes a habit of peering over their shoulder to coax them into being productive. Except Izaya, that is. Rin avoids him purposefully.

He seems to notice and take delight in it, proud of himself for managing to stir her up to such a degree. The more she tries to ignore him, the more interested he seems to become. The look in his eyes is a dangerous one.

But class ends flawlessly and he makes no attempts to approach her, much to Rin's relief. Then the next class starts up soon thereafter. All the way until lunch, she keeps herself busier than normal. When noon comes and the bell rings, the students all spring out of their seats and clamor for the door.

Staying behind in the classroom, Rin settles down in front of her desk to eat lunch. She knows that Shizuo is probably on the rooftop. (Probably smoking a cigarette, too.) Rin feels guilty for avoiding him, but she knows she would feel more guilty if she had to talk to him face-to-face. In the end, she is not sure what would be a better decision.

The rice is crunchy, probably a little undercooked. And the sausages taste a little burnt. Rin sighs to herself that she will never get used to cooking, and the more she thinks about that, the more she thinks it does not matter – she is not getting married anymore, after all.

_Knock, knock._

Before she can say anything, the door slides open. Rin is not surprised to see Shizuo, hands stuffed in his pockets as he steps in awkwardly. When he looks over at her, she averts her eyes, laying her chopsticks down on the surface of the desk.

"Did something... happen?" As though her avoidance of him is not a tell-tale sign, Shizuo asks anyway. He rubs the back of his neck as he takes a couple more steps in her direction.

"Nope, I have just been busy," she lies with a smile. "Sorry I couldn't come by your house to say congratulations. I'm really proud of you, Heiwajima. Now you had best use the watch I gave you and be to your classes on time so you can graduate."

Unconvinced, he asks, "Did Izaya do something?" Maybe he just doesn't believe her, or maybe he has already seen through her lie. Then again, perhaps it is his undying suspicion toward Izaya that prompts him to pressure Rin for the truth – whether he knows it is the truth or not.

"Other than slacking off a bit in class today? Not that I know of."

For as persistent as he is in asking her, she seems to be just as stubborn in keeping it a secret from him. And whether he is satisfied with her answer or not is unclear, but he does accept it, albeit unwillingly. "Alright..."

An awkward silence follows as he just stands there in front of her desk while she remains seated, staring up at him. They both have various thoughts on their mind – both have unspoken words sitting at the tip of their tongue. But somehow the timing or the setting does not seem appropriate and so neither one says something to the other. And although Shizuo finally opens his lips to speak, Rin is the one to break the silence first.

"You know, before you graduate, I'd really like to paint a portrait of you. Would you mind?"

Taken aback, he stares at her like a deer in the headlights for a moment. "... of me?" It is almost like Shizuo cannot believe that Rin would want to do such a thing.

She leans back in her chair and smiles at him again – this time, genuinely. "Yes, you, Shizuo Heiwajima. Has anyone ever told you that you're pretty photogenic? I think it would make a really good painting."

"Huh..." He feels a little uneasy at her praise, shifting uncomfortably beneath that imploring look she is giving him. Shizuo probably does not notice that it is a cunning ploy on Rin's behalf, to change the subject from Izaya and to keep Shizuo from possibly discovering her dissolved engagement. But it is nevertheless true that she has entertained the idea of painting a portrait of him before, so perhaps the request is somewhat genuine.

"If you don't want to..." Rin starts to say.

"No," Shizuo interrupts her after a sigh, "I'll do it."

It is not an answer that is entirely unexpected. Still, Rin finds herself a little elated. Maybe for the sake of art, but more likely that as much as she has avoided Shizuo, she has missed his presence as well. "Then it's settled, Heiwajima, you can't get detention from now on. Instead you will have to come here after school so I can paint you."

"Is this because you don't want me getting detention?"

She grins. "Well, that is part of it... It would be good if you don't get detention from here on out. But it's just really more convenient for me that way." Although Rin hopes that it will give him some incentive to keep out of trouble. Perhaps the distraction will keep him in check long enough for him to reach his own graduation ceremony.

"Starting today?"

Rin is a little startled that he asks – more so surprised because she did not think about _when_ they would be starting. So she stammers to cover up the fact that she is moving, "Ah, uh... Well, see... Today is not really... How about next week? I'll be busy for most of this week, so..."

"Busy?"

"Yeah, I have some things to do." Not that her vagueness in answering won't make him any more suspicious than he already seems to be.

But rather, Shizuo seems more dejected than anything else. Perhaps it is because he senses that Rin is trying to keep her distance from him, or maybe it is because he is still concerned that she is not being entirely truthful with him.

Either way, Rin gets out of her chair, dusting off the front of her skirt. "Well, Heiwajima, your lunch period is halfway over. You should hurry to the cafeteria if you want some food. There probably won't be anything left but melon bread by now, but you should eat something, you know."

Maybe he understands that she wants to finish her lunch in peace, otherwise he must be desperate enough to go down to the cafeteria for melon bread. Either way, he takes her advice and hesitantly leaves through the sliding door. Shizuo casts a few glances back at her but never manages to coax her to lift her gaze from the food that she's loathe to continue eating.

When the door nudges shut, Rin idly pokes at the one half-undercooked rice ball left in her lunchbox. Her appetite has been ruined. Either because Shizuo came and his presence made her feel guilty, or because the food itself is just unappetizing. She heaves a sigh as she laments about their encounter. Had she been able to be honest, Rin knows that Shizuo would have comforted her. Knows that he would have supported her.

"I'm really not hungry..." Biting back a bitter sigh, she dumps the rest of the food into the trashcan and puts her lunchbox away. Then she readies for her next class.

The rest of the day goes as seamlessly as she can hope for, and so does the following day. She does her best to avoid Shizuo. When lunch comes again, she retreats to the teacher's office to eat. It makes her feel guilty, but Rin thinks that the longer she can keep the truth from Shizuo, the more likely he is to graduate. And moreover, she thinks that in the time that they are apart, she can sort out her own feelings. The grief toward losing Akira and the strange affection she is starting to feel toward Shizuo, all of which she wants to move past.

But Rin should know better. If the heart could be controlled by the mind, then tears would never fall. Still she trudges on. When Wednesday comes and the moving company parks their truck in front of the house to load up, Rin calls off from school for the day to finish moving her things into her new apartment. She is happy that her new location is closer to the school and though dilapidated – paint peeling and wallpaper in severe need of replacement – it is still her home, however lonesome it feels.

By late afternoon she has all the boxes moved in, new furniture in place. Still the apartment seems a bit barren but since she has plenty of time for the rest of the day, she starts putting up her things. Picture frames of her family and various other decorative pieces that she has acquired through the years. It makes it feel more like home.

There are still quite a few boxes left, stacked by the front door, when dinner time rolls around. And although her stomach is rumbling, Rin does not feel too inclined to try and concoct something herself. Yet, frankly, she is tired of having ramen. So she debates takeout, heading to the front door once she decides that it is only fair she have a celebratory "party" to rejoice her new home and independence. (It is really just an excuse to splurge.)

No sooner does she slip on her shoes and open the door when she then almost collides with a passerby. At least, Rin initially thinks it is a passerby, until she notices that after reciting the apology, the person is still standing there facing her. At first, she thinks maybe she ran into the _wrong _person and oh s^% she is in big trouble, but...

"Heiwajima?"

He is still wearing his school uniform, a little worse for wear than when she saw it on him last. Rin does not doubt that he has probably seen a few fights since then. But he just rubs the back of his neck awkwardly when he sees her, like he always does. Then he averts his eyes before ever opening his mouth to speak to her. "Ah... I heard you moved..."

Rin swallows hard, trying to think of how to explain this. Not that Shizuo sounds accusatory in the least, but she still fumbles to try and find some believable lie. "Oh, uh... Well, you see... The payment on the house was getting a little steep for my wage – with my fiancee's wage, too, of course. I mean he makes more than me, but we just felt like..."

"You... broke up." Suddenly he is looking at her again, at the hand she has pressed over her chest. Where a ring once sat on her finger, there is now nothing.

Although while going to school she had been sure to continuing wearing it, if only to deceive Izaya and Shizuo, at home Rin has been taking it off. She sighs that he has managed to catch her at a most inopportune moment. "I... Just took it off. I was planning to cook something, you know. Didn't want it getting into the..."

"Kasuka told me."

She blanches, caught in the middle of a poorly conceived lie. "I... see." Not that she really begrudges Kasuka for spilling the beans despite her protest. In the end, Rin actually feels a little relieved that Shizuo knows the truth. And he does not seem angry about it in the least. Though, she thinks that maybe she would prefer him to be angry than to have him give her that pitiful expression.

"Sorry," he breathes out quietly, gaze drifting to the ground. "It's because..."

"Well, what can you do? Things like this happen sometimes."

Those brown eyes, dark as chocolate, peer up at her. "But the two of you-"

"We were probably over a long time ago," Rin confides, "So there is nothing for you to feel apologetic about. Since you already know, I'll be honest with you, Heiwajima. It had been rocky for a while, anyways. Those pictures were just an excuse. I guess... I wouldn't want to marry someone who couldn't look at those pictures and believe me despite everything pointing to the contrary. So it's fine."

Her words seem to put him at ease and he gives an acknowledging nod. Whether that completely absolves his guilt or not is unclear, though Rin is pretty sure he is not the type to let things go so easily.

"So, anyways, Heiwajima... I was just about to go get some snacks. Do you want to come? It can be two celebrations in one. My new home and you coming back to school. But if I'm treating you, you had better graduate after all the pains we've gone through." She smiles at him.

He gives a hesitant nod. "Alright..."

The two of them head off to the convenience store together. It is a brief trip in which Shizuo keeps silent most of the time, pushing the cart at Rin's behest while she picks half of the store's produce off the shelves. In the end when it is time to checkout, she barely has any money left in her wallet. Still, she is grinning madly as she waddles home with an oversized sack in either hand.

And, of course, Shizuo offers to help carry some, loaded down with twice as much as her. Yet the weight does not seem to faze him. Still, she sees fit to poke fun at him. "Hey, Heiwajima, right now you look like a regular pack mule."

When they get back and settle down in the middle of her still half-unpacked apartment, Rin starts pulling out the snacks. They dig in immediately, eating a bag of chips together. Rin leaves briefly to get some cups for them to use and suddenly they were chugging soda together after Rin prompts Shizuo for a toast to their future success.

"See, isn't this fun?"

He gives an approving nod. "Yeah... I guess so." Still, he seems a little sullen, probably contemplative over the recent events and the revelation that Rin's fiancee has left her. The expression on Shizuo's face, however, is as unreadable as ever.

Rin feels chagrined to see it, compelled to try and draw out whatever thoughts are pestering him. "What are you thinking about, Heiwajima?" she asks after taking a sip of the bubbly liquid. "Seems like something is bothering you. Spit it out."

"You seem... Happy."

"And why shouldn't I be?" She grins at him.

Shizuo sets his cup down and scratches at the top of his head. "Not that you shouldn't be... It just feels like... You're lying again." He seems uneasy calling her out on it, chancing a glance into her eyes to gauge her reaction. It is odd to see him so conscious of her feelings.

And Rin gets the impression that they are about to tread into territory that she wants to stay far away from. So in the brief silence, when the light above them starts to flicker, she suddenly shoots up to her feet. "Ah, I packed away some light bulbs. I should get that changed real quick." It is the perfect excuse to abandon the conversation. She starts rummaging through the packed boxes behind Shizuo, lined up near the door.

While she is busy trying to find a replacement light bulb, Shizuo gets up to his feet and approaches her. She is still digging through a box when he outstretches his hand and claps her shoulder. "Rin," he calls her name familiarly, and it almost feels like his warm breath buffets against her ear.

Shocked by the sensation, Rin whirls around in a flurry. She ends up losing her footing in that moment, her body almost hurling toward Shizuo. He catches her easily but somehow the two of them are knocked off balance and go tumbling to the floor. Although Rin slams right on top of him, he manages to cushion her fall.

But when she starts to get up, Rin notices that her face is hovering over Shizuo's and their lips – when they fell – seem to have bumped. Contrary to her expectations, his face does not seem flushed, but his eyes are staring up at her with an emotion she recognizes all too well. Gulping, Rin quickly tries to sit up while sputtering an apology, "Haha... Sorry, Heiwajima, I guess I'm a little-"

His hand finds the nape of her neck and presses her forward. Rin falls back against him and somehow their lips find each other again. Only this time it is more passionate and purposeful – filled with a desire she has never encountered before. And Rin loses her will, melting under his kiss.

* * *

**Author's Note:** OMG they kissed! And the sheer amount of fluff and cuteness... Ah, I've never written like this before, but it just seemed so appropriate for the two of them. Hope you enjoyed, thanks for the reviews.


	15. The Game Begins

**Chapter 15 ; The Game Begins**

She loses herself in that moment – suspended between what she wants to do and what she needs to do. Every ounce of logic in her brain tells her that she is a teacher and she needs to pull herself away, throw him out of her apartment and pretend that the whole thing never happened. And the other part of her, the pent up loneliness and the feelings she has started to develop for Shizuo... They tell her to close her eyes and succumb to desire.

But then Shizuo's hand falls away from her neck, sliding down the length of her back. It sends chills through her body. Instinctively, Rin pulls away from him, breathless and unable to form a coherent thought. Words sit at the back of her throat, aching to come out, yet she cannot figure out what to say.

"I..." Shizuo starts to speak first. The curve of his lips angles down in a frown. "Sorry."

His apology jolts her back to reality and Rin nearly leaps off of him, with a sort of awkward laugh to try to turn the situation around. "Ah! I-It's okay, Heiwajima. Y... Y'know, it was just an accident, anyways. Nothing to think about." Rin figures she probably sounds silly, rambling and trying to make up an excuse for him so that neither of them has to feel bad.

Slowly, in a sort of sullen way, Shizuo sits up. His shoulders are slumped and he seems to be brooding, a dejected look on his face.

And it begins to make Rin think that maybe he thinks it was a mistake. She is afraid – terrified that he will say that. So the second he opens his mouth, she blurts something out just to keep him from saying anything. "It's late! Well... It's getting late. It will be getting late...? A-Ah, well, anyways, Heiwajima... You should be getting home. I'm sure Kasuka is making you something to eat. And you're probably hungry, right? Right, so you should get going." Her awkwardness is obvious, and Rin is not oblivious to the fact that she is merely putting off the inevitable. They will have to talk about the kiss eventually. She cannot avoid it forever.

Shizuo, however, does not seem eager to discuss it immediately, anyways. Maybe he understands Rin's not-so-subtle way of saying that she just wants him to leave. Either way, the blonde gets up somewhat unsteadily on his feet. Those eyes of his look at her for a long moment before he answers emptily with a short, "Yeah," and then heads to the door.

Rin does not to turn to look at him as he leaves. Instead she listens to his fading footsteps before the audible nudge of the front door which signifies his official departure. More than feeling depressed, mulling over what just happened, she feels rather...

"Fluttery?" the brown-haired woman mumbles under her breath as she cleans up the snacks and puts them in the cabinets of the kitchen.

But that one single kiss is the beginning of something unexpected. At first she does not notice. But when the next morning rolls around, she leaves for school early. Purposefully, Rin lingers by the entrance to the courtyard, peering around. She loiters there for some time, hoping to catch Shizuo, yet she is not sure what she will say to him when she does. It occurs to her that she could just pretend that the "incident" never happened. But she also considers that Shizuo could interpret that as her trampling on his feelings, which is not her intention, either.

In the end, it does not matter what she intends to do. The warning bell rings and she does not see him. So she hurries inside and starts her class, although belatedly. Once again, Rin avoids Izaya like the plague, although those probing, curious eyes of his seem to follow her no matter where she goes. And while it is the furthest thing from her mind, since she is preoccupied thinking about Shizuo, there is a part of her that worries... Worries about what Izaya will do if he finds out.

But the hour passes seamlessly and he does not hesitate to leave along with the other students. He grants her nothing but a flitting glance before going on his way. By the time lunch comes around, any concerns she has about Izaya are long gone.

Just as soon as the bell rings and the students are clamoring out, Rin is grabbing her packed lunch box and following after them. She detours up to the rooftop, where she hopes to see Shizuo – assuming that he is in school. When she gets there, however, he is nowhere to be found.

Although disheartened, she assumes he is in the cafeteria. She returns to her classroom and eats her lunch by herself like she usually does. Thoughts of Shizuo fill her head, and like a wound that smarts long after it has been inflicted, she cannot forget the kiss. Not the implications it brings, nor the sensation it leaves, lingering upon her lips.

At the end of the day, she waits for a little while by the gates to try and catch Shizuo. He is nowhere to be found, and once again she is left with the assumption that he left early, or otherwise – and she doubts it – he is in detention.

Whatever it is that keeps them apart, she does not see him Friday, either, as much as she goes out of her way to try and see him. A simple solution is to visit him at his house, but she feels too awkward and embarrassed to do so. Mostly because Kasuka unsettles her almost more than Shizuo. Not to say she dislikes him. It is more his disarming personality that leaves her feeling disadvantaged, unable to predict his words.

So she spends the weekend tidying up her house. It is dull, monotonous work. And somehow, Rin cannot shake the ominous feeling that leaves her stomach twisted in knots. It is like the calm before the storm – as though, like a sixth sense, she can feel something coming. Maybe it is for that reason that she savors the moments she spends by herself, however boring and lonely they might seem at the time.

On Monday, everything is the same. It is almost like a routine. Rin does not get so much as a glimpse of Shizuo, and Izaya's eyes follow her all throughout class. She does not see the chocolate-eyed teen on the rooftop when she wanders up there during lunch time, either.

So when the final bell rings, she starts to pack away her things with a heavy heart, sighing wistfully to herself. Inwardly, Rin battles with the idea of whether or not to go to Shizuo's house and confront him. But, as it turns out, she won't have to.

The door rattles as it opens and before Rin can even turn around to recognize the intruder, he calls her name. "Rin." It is spoken in a breathless sort of way that leaves her stunned as she jerkily turns to greet Shizuo. He seems about as awkward as she is, averting his eyes the moment she looks at him. "The portrait..."

It is only two words, but she instantly realizes what he means. "Ah – oh, yes – right, that's starting today." She smiles. If he is here that means he does not have detention. Maybe it also means that he is not avoiding her. Regardless, Rin just feels relieved to see his face.

His head tilts at her. "Should I sit somewhere?"

She hesitates for a moment. Is he not going to try to talk to her about the kiss? And Rin does not want to bring it up if he won't. A part of her fears that he considers it a mistake and that he just wants to forget. If that is the case, she would rather acquiesce than chance hearing Shizuo say as much himself.

Swallowing back her own fears, Rin tells him, "One moment," and proceeds to rummage through the room for a newer set of oil paints. It takes her about ten minutes to set everything up, pushing the stools aside to make room nearby the windows. Shizuo soon takes his seat in the sun-bathed location while Rin positions herself adjacent to him.

The round-faced teacher gives her student a reassuring smile as he shifts uncomfortably under her gaze. But as she sets to work in outlining him, Rin's expression becomes void of any emotion. She is focused and intense, with a burning passion that Shizuo has never seen in her before. Rin seems almost self-confident, unusual considering how often she sputters self-doubting phrases. Yet there she is, gaze flitting occasionally between him and the canvas, unwavering and dedicated.

They do not speak during that time, the silence is filled only by the ticking of a distant clock and the occasional outside voices that seep in. Neither party seems intent to burden the air with words. Perhaps because Shizuo fears disrupting her, and Rin fears his judgment if she ventures any questions. So they just sort of exist together. One the artist, the other an unmoving subject.

About an hour passes with the two of them like that. At that time, Rin finally peels her gaze away long enough to sneak a glance at the clock. "You should head home, it's almost dinner time." Without even letting him catch a glimpse of her progress, she stows away the canvas and starts cleaning up.

"If you need help..." he starts to say.

"I'm fine," Rin assures him. "You should head home. I'm sure your brother is waiting."

He hesitates. Maybe he wants to talk about the kiss, but he does not broach the subject with her. Instead, Shizuo purses his lips and marches off with his hands tucked into his pant pockets. Briefly, Rin watches his receding figure as he disappears out the door. Once it slides shut behind him, she listens to his fading footsteps.

And when he is gone, she finishes tidying up the room before gathering her things. Rin feels a little lonely on the short walk back to her apartment. Yet she cannot help but feel grateful for the agreement between her and Shizuo. Since it seems she cannot catch him any other time, she is grateful for the opportunity that the excuse of painting him has afforded her.

Rin notices – realizes, to some degree – that she feels _something_. She has always known, if not denied it. But that is not what is most pertinent, because now she is beginning to accept it. Rather than condemning herself for not drawing the line sooner, she is starting to forgive herself for it. Even though every irrational and illogical fear in her is screaming that Shizuo will realize his own feelings aren't real and that he will regret that kiss, she cannot help but hope otherwise. That is what startles her the most.

So when the morning arrives, she stops at the gate again to wait for him. Naturally, he does not show up and she is left scrambling to get to her classroom on time. At lunch, she is back on the rooftop. No luck, so she waits impatiently for evening to come and for their portrait painting session to begin. Because, somehow, she feels like she just has to know.

Even though Rin promises herself that she won't allow herself to entertain the thought of such an inappropriate relationship with Shizuo, she just has to know where he stands. It seems foolish, but she wants peace of mind. That way she can let things go, or otherwise they can agree to wait until he graduates.

It is like a sudden epiphany – a realization that something between the two of them isn't criminal. A little ironic, considering how well she knows that her feelings are considered morally unacceptable. Still, if she could control them, she would have a long time ago.

Yet the moment that door rattles open again, shortly after the last bell rings, Rin loses her nerve the moment she seems him. It is like wearing a new pair of glasses, where everything is without flaws and a rosy shade of pink. The way she views Shizuo, now that she has accepted her feelings, has changed. She cannot visually pass him off as a school boy anymore, a student she that she oversees.

"Rin?"

And again, as she notices, he is calling her first name. It makes her shiver as she struggles to compose herself, chin dipped as she stares down at her own feet. "Yeah. Over there..." Still not looking at him, she points over toward the windows, where they sat the day before. "If you will go sit over there, I'll be there in a second. I just need to get everything set up."

He notices – of course he notices – that she is shaken. "Is something wrong?"

"No," she lies but never glances up at him to let him see otherwise. "It was just a hectic day."

Even if he thinks that she is making excuses, he does not call her out on it. Obediently, he goes and grabs a stool, sitting where she has instructed. A short while later, she is back to the position she was in the day before.

Stroke after stroke, she mimics on the canvas what she sees before her eyes. But she cannot help the burning on her cheeks every time she catches his gaze. It is a little absurd, she thinks, how she has been reduced to someone beset with jittery nerves like a giddy school girl.

"Rin..."

She nearly jolts when he calls her suddenly. "Y-Yes?"

"About... the other day..." Even though he says it vaguely, Rin assumes he means the kiss. And the mention of it sets her into a panic, heart beating violently against her ribcage. Hazy-eyed, she glances up at him. Shizuo's expression is unreadable as he starts to continue. "Sorry for that." He is apologizing and, immediately, she feels her heart sink. It is like he is confirming that it was unintentional, spur of the moment – a mistake.

Hurriedly, as though to change the course of the conversation, she jumps off of her stool. "You shouldn't be worrying about that. Out of sight, out of mind, right?" Her voice cracks as she says that, and Rin can feel the tears welling up. That is not what she wants to say. What she wants to tell him is that there is no reason to apologize for it, because...

"It surprised you... Right?" His question catches her off-guard.

Rin swallows hard and nods her head a little, slightly dumbfounded. Then, hesitantly, she ventures the very question that she fears the answer to. "Do you... think it was a mistake?" And although she should sound neutral, her voice carries a hopeful tone. It is as though she is pleading with him to reassure her that he doesn't think so.

Shizuo rubs the back of his neck and sighs. "That never crossed my mind."

"Really?" As soon as that comes out of her mouth, she purses her lips. Rin chides herself about feeling so relieved about it, because she really shouldn't. If anything, she feels stupid for her own lack of self-confidence.

And while she is busy inwardly admonishing herself, Shizuo gets off his stool and approaches her. By the time she blinks back to reality, there is only inches between them. This time, they close the gap together, eyes locked on each other. The paint that she is holding falls to the floor as she reaches for him. His hands, calloused and rough, find her cheeks. Then their lips meet again – and just like before, there is a spark between them that makes her yearn for more. And so she closes her eyes and basks in that feeling.

This time might be just as spur of the moment as the last, but it is not accidental. On both sides it is mutual, an unspoken attraction for each other. And Rin hopes that he can sense how she feels from the way that they kiss, how they linger together, lips locked. She wants him to know how much he means to her, how much she has realized that she needs him.

Although Rin has her eyes closed, she thinks she hears something. It startles her back to reality and, albeit hesitantly, she pulls herself away. Those chocolate eyes stare back at her surprised expression. She takes a moment – a deep breath – and looks toward where she thinks she heard something.

"T-the... d-door?" Rin stutters questioningly, shooting a glance back at Shizuo.

The blonde drops his hands away from her face and follows her gaze when she looks back toward the open entrance to the classroom. He knows what she is thinking, that she is concerned that someone might have seen them. So he leaves her side to hurry to the doorway and glance out at the hallway, which proves to be empty.

"Is no one there?"

Shizuo nods in confirmation. "Musta forgot to close it when I came in..."

Whatever relief she feels by hearing that is temporary. Rin has enough sense to know that, regardless of how they feel for each other, this is the least appropriate place to express that. Although it is the last thing she wants to do, she knows that she has to end it there – for today, at least.

"Tomorrow," Rin tells him, "You can come back by and we should be able to finish by Friday." She smiles wistfully to herself, because she honestly never wants to finish. One more excuse to spend time with him. But maybe she doesn't need to make excuses anymore.

"And tomorrow," Shizuo replies, "You can come have dinner with Kasuka and me."

"It's a date." She says it habitually without pausing to contemplate the implications beforehand. As soon as she realizes what it is that she has said – confirmed, rather – Rin lights up about as bright as a Christmas tree. "Uhh, what I mean is..."

"Yeah, it's a date," he agrees.

Then, so as not to leave a lingering awkwardness, he gives a wave and takes his leave before her. Rin follows shortly thereafter, gathering her things together before setting off. The school seems fairly empty on her way down to the main entrance, pausing to change her shoes just as the students usually do. She lingers for a moment, to see if Shizuo has already left, and, as it turns out, he has.

There is a smile on her face, vibrant and stretching nearly from ear to ear. It is the first time in a long time since she has been so happy. And although she does not feel comfortable settling on this feeling and hoping it will last, it is enough for her to just bask in the moment. Even if it proves to be fleeting, she hopes to be able to enjoy it.

"Sensei."

Someone calling her suddenly, from right behind her – warm breath buffeting against the shell of her ear – startles Rin. She stumbles, nearly toppling over, but the person gently reaches out and grabs her forearm to steady her.

"Oho~ you should be careful. Wouldn't it be a shame if you took a sudden fall and broke something?" The voice sounds almost hopeful that such an unfortunate thing will happen to her.

Knowing immediately who it is without even looking, Rin wrenches her arm away from his grasp. "Excuse me, I should be heading home." She does not even dare to speak his name, as though uttering it will make her wretch in disgust. And maybe it will, thanks to the unfortunate things that have happened to her because of him.

But Izaya just smiles at her brusque rebuff of him. "That's not nice. Shouldn't you be there for students who need you?" He is taunting her. "Ah, but maybe you already are. I saw Shizu-chan just a moment ago. Were you two together?"

She swallows hard as a voice in her head screams at her, _"He knows! He knows!"_ It is her worst nightmare realized, surely. But Rin quickly tries to dismiss him. "That is none of your concern. Heiwajima and I are just student and teacher. Please stop with your unfounded claims." With that, she starts for the door.

"You don't have to be so defensive, Sensei. It was just a harmless question." Hardly harmless – he is like a leech that sucks the life right out of people, and every question he poses is for that purpose. "Have a safe trip home. Who knows how upset Shizu-chan would be if anything ever happened to you."

Although she gulps at what seems like an underlying threat there, Rin does not allow Izaya's words to trip her up. She huffs at him and stalks out the door purposefully. But the whole way home, she finds herself constantly looking over her shoulder. Somehow, she is certain that he is up to something.

Yet the entire way home proves safe and uneventful. That night is occupied only by boredom as she flips through the channels on her old, outdated television set. And in the morning when she goes to school and has her first class, Izaya does not have his probing eyes lingering on her as he has every single day before. It is almost... eerie how easily he seems to have given up.

Paranoid as she is after their encounter, everything seems to be normal. The class ends without a hitch and Izaya leaves without pausing to glance over at her. He does not offer his usual creepy smile that sends shivers down her spine. By all rights, he seems a normal student. And that is what unsettles her the most.

While Rin knows she is naive to think everything is okay, by the time lunch hour comes, she has faith that all must be well. She grabs the food she has packed and prepares herself to head to the rooftop to meet Shizuo. Smiling as she goes over everything she fixed the night before, reciting it in her head mentally, she pivots around from her desk and marches toward the door. It opens before she is even halfway to it and suddenly the smile melts from her face.

"Sensei," Izaya greets her with the creepy smile that he did not offer that morning. "Are you getting ready to go eat lunch somewhere? With someone?"

"That's none of your concern."

Suddenly he is not smiling anymore as he reaches into his jacket and pulls out something. It is difficult for her to make it out at first but Rin soon realizes, with horror, that it is a photograph of the night before – her and Shizuo kissing. And suddenly she loses her grip on the lunchbox. It plummets toward the floor and the tiers separate upon impact, slinging food everywhere.

"So..." she says with a shaky voice, "You saw."

He fans himself with the photographs. "Don't flatter yourself into thinking that I'm particularly singling you out, Sensei. You aren't _that_ interesting that I have nothing better to do with my time..." His voice trails off for a moment as he shifts his gaze toward the rice scattered across the floor between them. "I don't even particularly dislike you, Sensei. It just so happens that there is so much potential for something interesting to happen, so I can't leave you alone."

"What do you want?" Rin does not play around or bother to buy into whatever crap he is trying to feed her. "If you were going to show the school and pass it around, you already would have. So you came here because you want something."

"I'm mildly impressed," he commends her sardonically. "The self-righteous are annoyingly ignorant most of the time. For as unconfident as you portray yourself, Sensei, you are always so uppity – you always seem to think you are better than everyone else. But is the world really so black and white?"

"Get to the point, Orihara."

A wry grin stretches crookedly across those lips of his. "Well, since you're so anxious... Wouldn't it be boring if we played like last time? So now let's up the ante – the stakes are so much higher. Your relationship with Shizu-chan, your job here at the school, your ability to ever get another job in education... And whether or not Shizu-chan will ever see his own graduation... Shall we begin?"

* * *

**Author's Note: **Had writer's block for a little while then been a little under the weather. Been really stressful lately with school and all. Hopefully in another week or two, that will stabilize and I can focus on trying to write a little more. Thanks for all the reviews. :)

**Mairelle - **If there are some things in particular you think I should or could improve on, please let me know - I love constructive criticism. Examples of a particular thing and advice is greatly appreciated. In regards to fluff, I would say Painting Smiles is far more fluffy than anything else I have ever written. Most of my stories haven't progressed enough for actual romance, the three that have - Masquerade, Tangled, and Reaching for Nothing have... Well, really no fluff whatsoever. Most romance I write I consider extremely subtle, but Painting Smiles is more outright, if that makes sense. As for the use of present tense, it was more an experiment than anything else. My favorite author uses present tense and I thought I would give it a shot because I had never used it before. What is happening in the "past" in Painting Smiles is not in past tense in part because it really isn't a flashback. It's more like two storylines folding out simultaneously, one the cause and the other the effect. It is perfectly intentional and hopefully will be more understandable by the time the story finishes. There's a good reason for it. ^^

**Lurking Reader - **I wish I could give you lurking readers a hug when you review - creepy, I know - but I really appreciate you sticking with the story and voicing how much you like it. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE reviews. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Okay, now I get to go work for hours on homework. Hope you enjoyed! Might be a while before the next.


	16. Louder Than Words

**Chapter 16 ; Louder than Words**

_"I still love you."_ Those words ring in his ears repeatedly, like a broken record that keeps skipping over and over. The moment is cut brief when he notices Rin stepping off her stool. She takes a quick swig of alcohol before facing him with a smile – feigned for his benefit, he is sure.

"Well, I'm going to head home, Heiwajima. I hope to see you at my wedding." As though she has already forgotten what she said just moments before – as though she has sobered herself to reality – she offers him such an off-handed remark with a fake smile spread across her lips. There is no hesitation on her face, as though she recognizes that she will soon be stepping up to the altar with someone other than Shizuo, and that does not seem to bother her despite her confession.

And Shizuo cannot even begin to fathom it. He just stands up and rigidly follows after Rin after she takes care of the bill. A string of continuous, intertwining thoughts rolls around in his mind until it becomes tangled and jumbled. He debates what it is he should say, all the way up until the moment that they are on the street corner.

Frozen like the winter, he stands there numbly while she flags down a taxi. It is only when he hears the sound of the car door opening that he jolts from his spot and catches her, clapping a hand down on her shoulder. Perhaps a little harder than he intends, since she jumps from surprise at the sudden contact.

"Wait," he chokes out in a raspy voice. Somehow, his throat is dry.

Those eyes of hers, half-lidded, look back at him with a hint of melancholy. "Why are you stopping me?" The tone of her voice indicates no inquisition; she already knows why without asking. Yet she purposefully poses the question, as though to discourage him from saying anything. Maybe she just wants the past to be buried without regard.

"You love me."

She frowns at him. "I do, but..." Then she averts her gaze and Shizuo knows she isn't being honest with herself.

"Why are you marrying him... if you love me?"

"I don't dislike him." Then she stumbles to correct herself, since they both know that is not a reason to marry. "Th-that is... I care about him a lot. We have been together for a while now. This is the right choice for us."

For a moment he hesitates, unsure of how to express himself with words. Still, Shizuo tries. "I... For you..." He stumbles, trying to figure out how he should state it properly to convey the extent of his own feelings for her – something he has never been able to adequately do before.

Rin cuts him short. "You... like me, don't you, Heiwajima?"

Stiffly, he nods. Although "like" does not seem to accurately describe the magnitude of his feelings for her. He knows what word does, but it refuses to roll off of his tongue easily. So in the end, he is gritting his teeth, hoping she won't clam up again.

"That... makes me happy." Although she looks more forlorn than appreciative. "But please don't tell me something like, 'Don't get married.' I made choices... You made choices... We aren't the same people we used to be. Seven years... it's a long time. People change."

"You haven't changed," he tries to argue.

Her lips crease for a moment, as though hearing that makes her happy. But then he sees something drip down her cheeks as she hastily wipes her sleeve against her eyes. "I know it was really selfish for me confess and get that off my chest... I needed closure."

It seems quite clear that she isn't going to change her mind, which frustrates Shizuo. "Why?" The word comes out strangled with anger and desperation, strained by growing inability to stand idly while listening to her rejection.

"Shizuo." She says his name then looks up at him. Her eyes are unclouded by the inebriation, despite the alcohol that he smells on her breath. "If we were going to work out, we would have a long time ago. So now... Let me go, so I can let go of you, too."

Shizuo stares at her for a long moment. "Change your mind," he tells her, as though saying that will have some magic effect. He hopes it will. It isn't just a selfish desire to be with her that drives him to say that – he honestly thinks that she is lying to herself. All of this seems like a foolish, roundabout way that she is trying to punish herself for things in the past.

But she shakes her head at him. "This is what I want."

While they spend several moments exchanging glances, as though trying to read each other, the cab driver peeks his head from over the front seat. "Hey, lady. Are you getting in or what? If not, close the door. I have other places to be."

That jolts Rin back to reality and she is smiling again – that sickening, fake smile. "I better get home. He'll be worried if I'm out for too long." She turns her back to him and starts to climb into the cab. "I hope to see you at my wedding, Heiwajima."

Those are the last words he wants to hear. Yet, even as the cab pulls away from the curb and speeds down the street, straight through a red light, Shizuo just stands there, frozen. There is the noise of bustling people around him, stragglers from the pub who spread out like fleas across the city. It isn't until several cars streak by and horns sound as someone darts out into the street that Shizuo finally breaks himself away.

Sluggishly, he heads back for his apartment. The chaos of the city cannot distract him from his thoughts. The anger mounts gradually, far past his breaking point, and it does not take long before he grabs the closest thing to him – a mailbox, though he doesn't realize it – and slings it straight into an empty store front.

Through his frustration all he can see is red. The feeling of his hands gripping something – he imagines it to be Izaya's neck – he wrenches it and then slings it once it is sufficiently crushed. He lets out several strangled cries, more so grunts, as he wreaks havoc the whole way home. To everyone else he looks like a madman.

Maybe he is. Shizuo is far past caring. Or maybe it is because he cares too much that he lashes out. Perhaps it is because he wants to prove to himself that Rin was right all along – he really is a monster. That's why she rejects him. It is only natural that she wants to be with someone normal. Shizuo justifies his own complex by making it a reality. It is a way of comforting himself, in a completely backwards and subconscious way.

He looks a mess by the time he reaches the steps leading up to his apartment. His outfit has become disheveled, covered in splotches of dirt, and his hair is disheveled. As he mounts the stairs and ascends to the second floor, his uncurled fists hang limply at his side, knuckles glimmering in the dim light with dried blood.

Inside he feels hollow. Maybe that is why, without really realizing it, he ends up in front of his fridge. He opens it, ready to down another glass of milk – but the shelves are barren, so he just ends up slamming the door, a little harder than he needs to.

Smoke, a smoke – he has to have a smoke. So he pats his hands, still trembling with anger, across the front of his vest and undershirt. When he finds the box of cigarettes, he immediately pulls it out only to find it empty. And for a moment, he stands there staring at it.

What irony. This is no coincidence. He is sure it isn't.

So he crushes the box and tosses it to the ground, stomping it briefly in his flare of rage before he traipses down the hall toward the bathroom, cursing under his breath. It takes every ounce of restraint that he doesn't have to keep from chucking the living room furniture out the windows.

Willpower does no good when he finds himself standing in front of the mirror. Seeing himself just reminds him of the past. Makes him think – _so this is what a monster looks like?_ He grits his teeth and his shaking fist flies straight into the glass. It shatters against the force and the shards slice through his flesh as they scatter across the counter and floor. Left behind on the wall are just a few isolated groups of cracked glass and a few splatters of blood.

Shizuo spends some time frozen like that, with his fist still pressed against the wall where the mirror used to be. He stares numbly as the turmoil inside of him – the waves of fury – are finally quelled by self-defeat. His arm falls lax and he shuffles through the broken fragments of glass that crack under the soles of his shoes as he steps out into the hallway.

In the middle of his empty apartment, where all he can hear are the noises of the city and someone chatting animatedly on their cell phone right outside of his front door – Shizuo cracks. It is not a sudden emotion that is hurled upon him, but a gradual sadness that seeps in and covers all of the anger. And he sinks down onto his knees as he realizes that he has lost the fight with his past.

—

Morning comes when the sunlight peers through the shades and he can hear the hustle and bustle of the city as it comes to life. It is the congesting traffic which contributes to the honking of horns, the screeching of tires – a melody that greets the start of the day. And it also contributes to the pollution, the smog that settles and smothers him.

He feels like he is suffocating.

But maybe it is for reasons entirely different than the exhaust coming out from all of those idling vehicles. More likely, it is because he has been in a state of complacency and confusion since he drank with Rin several nights ago. Since then, he has barely been able to sleep a wink. Her words just roll through his mind like a broken record and nothing he does seems capable of shutting it off.

_"I still love you."_

In his frustration, he barely notices the alarm going off beside him. Habitually, he smashes it with his fist, his attention only drawn belatedly when he feels the warmth of his own blood trickling down his fingers. It has a sobering effect on his mind... Reminds him that today is her wedding day, and that he has promised to go.

Shizuo sits upright, tests his feet against the floor and stumbles to the bathroom. His head aches – from lack of sleep, from too much thinking – he really isn't entirely sure why. Nor does he care; it just _hurts_. But is he really talking about the throbbing in his forehead or the cracking of his heart? Regardless of how he weaves in and out of coherent thought, he still goes about his monotonous routine.

He barely pays attention even as he stands in front of the mirror adjusting his bow-tie. It is severely crooked and off-center, but Shizuo does not really notice. He just numbly turns and shuffles out the door. Out on the streets, he joins the bustling crowds and drifts through the crosswalks purposelessly.

It seems like he is meandering through a maze, gradually taking his time to sort out where he is supposed to be going. All the twists and the turns that he takes – but it is just a roundabout way of ending up at the church. No matter how many detours he chooses to go off on, he still manages to find his way to the steps leading up to the building with its steeple looming high in the sky.

After he clambers up those steps, with some manner of trepidation slowing him down, Shizuo reaches three open archways, the doors folded inside and held open. Bells are ringing loudly against the sound of a piano, like a melody drifting in the background. The song being played, however, is nearly drowned out by the people clamoring into the chapel to grab a seat in the pews. He finds himself wrapped up in the hustle and bustle as ushers try desperately to guide people to their respective spots.

It is about that time that a little girl suddenly appears from out of nowhere – dressed in a pure white gown with a large, toothy smile on her face. Overlooking the fact that she is missing her two front teeth, although it seems to make her innocence all the more endearing. Still, there is something disarming about children that is a little unsettling for Shizuo, who is unsure of how to react when the child grabs and tugs at his pant leg.

He glances down at her with those beady eyes of his, and while he half expects to scare her with his glare, she just continues to smile.

"You're really tall."

"Yeah," he answers vaguely, awkwardly.

Hearing his voice seems to perk her up a bit more as she suddenly releases the fistful of clothing she has been clinging to, in favor of his hand. Then she starts trying to yank him from the line of people pouring in to find their seats. "Come with me!"

"...the wedding is going to start soon," he tries to explain to her tiredly, but it does not seem like she is going to listen.

Eventually she manages to peel him away from the crowd, leading him down a hallway, and then to a door. She points at it with her gloved hand excitedly and says, "We have to go upstairs."

Judging by her clothes, Shizuo assumes that she is probably the flower girl, although he is not entirely sure where she is leading him. Maybe he is past the point of caring and that is why he does not protest. It takes some effort on his part to trudge up the stairs when he really just wants to go home. But there is something about the warmth of the little girl's hand that coaxes him to just go with it.

And when they reach the top of the stairs, he finds himself in a room full of women, having some final adjustments made to the state of their freshly curled and fashioned hair. A sweeping glance tells him that this is _not_ a place for him to be. So he finally tries to pry his hand away from the little girl, but a voice interrupts the action.

"Heiwajima."

His hand falls slack in the grip of the little girl, who peers back at him with a big grin before finally letting him go. She then runs off and disappears. Left behind, he eventually lifts his chin and gets a glimpse of Rin. She has a veil pulled back away from her face, done up with makeup. Her hair is pulled into a tight bun and she could not look more flattering in her dress.

"Rin," he says with a raspy voice, then quickly corrects himself, "Takemori..." The word 'congratulations' wants to come out but it seems to be lodged in the back of his throat. And honestly, he does not feel very enthusiastic about wishing for her happiness when it seems like it zaps the last bit of hope he has for his own happiness. He is being utterly pessimistic about this and he knows it.

"I thought that you might not come," Rin confides with a subtle smile as she stands just a few feet away from him, gloved hands folded across her stomach. "This is the day I have been waiting for... for a very long time. It's something my family has always hoped to see, for my sake. So I am really happy that you could come, too."

And he cannot help but wish that he had not come.

"You... haven't seen Orihara at all, have you?" Rin seems a little anxious asking and her face pales visibly when she chances the question. She starts rubbing her hands together nervously. And he can see the perspiration lining her brow.

Shizuo's jaw tightens hearing name of the flea.

Rin breathes a brief sigh. "He... He shouldn't come, right? Even though he gave you the invitation. He's not planning anything, is he?"

That is not a question to which Shizuo knows the answer, however. And just as his blood is starting to boil, just thinking about the flea, his anger drains abruptly when he notices Rin stepping closer. His first instinct is to take a step back, but his feet are rooted in place.

"Let me fix your tie," she tells him with a smile. Very meticulously, she adjusts it until it is straightened. He can see the reflection of it in her eyes as she briefly peers up at him before taking a step back again, putting the distance between them. "The wedding will be starting soon. You should go find a seat. I had them make room for you in the second row."

Although he is reluctant to leave, because just being around her stirs up his feelings, Shizuo makes a weary turn for the door. Earlier he had come up, guided along the way. And now as he goes down without anyone to accompany him, he feels a little forlorn.

By himself, like a lonely and solitary figure, he finds his way to the hallway leading into the chapel. It is surprisingly empty by now, and when he intrudes and starts down the aisle, he can feel all eyes upon him. Including the priest and the groom waiting at the front, but they each give him one of those unsettling, cheerful smiles.

Shizuo stuffs his hands into his pockets and traipses to the front, taking an unoccupied seat in the second row as Rin had suggested to him. It is surprisingly sparse in terms of other people sitting on the bench, so he ends up by himself, which he is grateful for.

Resting in his lap are his hands, balled into tight, trembling fists. He grinds his teeth together in his frustration, in his desperation of trying to think. And his shoulders are slumped forward as he stares down at the floor between his feet.

In his struggle to cope with what is happening, he hears a new tune play on the piano as the bridesmaids start down the aisle in their long, flowing dresses. They wear superficial smiles on their faces but Shizuo does not see them. He keeps his head bowed the whole time, not paying attention to anything that is happening, wishing the whole while he could be anywhere else. After all, as he tells himself, a church is the last place a monster like him belongs.

Although there is a part of him that thinks, for this one moment, he should try to be normal. Since he also knows that he will never see the inside of a church again after this day. He is not particularly religious, and moreover, he senses that marriage is something beyond his capability. It is a depressing thought. But his own melancholy is palpable merely from the glimmer in his eyes, though his face remains in a rigid frown with only an accompanying critical glare.

And then suddenly he hears a voice boom through the room saying, "All rise for the bride."

Everyone else around him immediately stands, but it is a belated moment before Shizuo eventually makes his way up to his feet. Everyone else is turned back to look at Rin being guided down the aisle. He hesitantly peeks over his shoulders, face as deadpan as he can keep it.

He watches her face, set in a wide smile. Her cheeks are a rosy pink, no doubt a combination of makeup and her own natural tendency to blush. But the thing that really tears at Shizuo is the fact that she looks so genuinely happy.

Inside, he curses her and wants her to be unhappy. If she is unhappy, if she is reluctant to walk up to the altar, then he can sweep her off her feet and take her away. At least, that is his reasoning. But she seems glad to be getting married. That makes sense, of course it does. It is supposed to be a happy day for her.

And although, deep down inside, he also wants her to be happy, Shizuo finds himself wishing for just a moment that she would show some reluctance. Yet each step she takes seems more confident and sure than the last, until she is standing by a man that Shizuo neither recognizes or cares for.

Before everyone else takes their seat, Shizuo is back slouching in his. His gaze is redirected to the floor again, if only because he feels he cannot watch even as he listens to the sound of the classical wedding march dying down as the priest begins to speak. As soon as the music ends, Shizuo can feel his own dread hit him like a wave, which he fears he will drown in.

All the doubt he has been trying to shunt out of his mind seems to reappear suddenly and viciously. Cautiously, he chances a glance up at the altar, just long enough to see Rin beaming over at her husband-to-be. It makes Shizuo nauseous.

It takes all of the self-control he can manage to stay seated and not start ripping through the pews in his overflow of emotion. His fists are trembling again but he tries to focus on the patterns of the floor – something to get his mind off of it.

As much as time seems to stretch on endlessly, it eventually comes to an abrupt end when they finish their vows and the ceremony comes to a close. And that last moment is what leaves Shizuo holding his breath.

"You may now kiss your bride."

He looks up instinctively. The moment that man lifts Rin's veil, Shizuo wants to snap his eyes shut but they are frozen open. And he watches another man lean in, another man's lips connect with Rin's. And now he knows that she belongs to someone else – this is what seals it.

Once the wedding is completely over and the star couple makes their way back down the aisle, people are escorted out gradually. Close family and friends linger behind for additional congratulations, as though Shizuo is sure that Rin and her new husband have not heard it enough. But Shizuo is probably the one who hasn't said it.

It is with great reluctance and resilience that he manages to lift himself from his seat, wander through the pews, and maneuver past the small crowd of people gathered around the couple. He sees Rin from afar but she looks preoccupied. He thinks twice about approaching her since she seems busy. It's really just an excuse not to have to see her looking so happy, to not have to wish her a fulfilling future that they won't have together.

Either way, he convinces himself his presence is unwanted. So Shizuo turns to leave, called out belatedly as soon as he reaches the door. He pauses upon hearing Rin's voice.

"Hey, Heiwajima. I didn't think you would still be here." She giggles as she speaks, like a giddy school girl. It is the happiest – genuinely happiest – that Shizuo has ever seen her. And that is what bothers him the most.

He can't help the frown on his face but tries desperately not to look too downcast when he peers back at her. "Ah... It was a nice wedding." He rubs the back of his neck habitually. The awkwardness is palpable, as neither seems to know what to say to the other. Or maybe that is just him.

"Are you coming to the reception?" Rin chances, trying not to sound too excited. But he can tell just by the way she looks at him that Rin is hoping he will come.

"Can't, I have work," he lies. It isn't even very convincing, since he averts his eyes as he mumbles his excuse. Still, she seems to buy it.

"Oh? Well, that's a shame. Still, I'm glad that you could make it. Thank you."

"Rin!" A voice calls out from behind her. A man in a suit – her _husband_ as Shizuo recognizes him – comes over with a smile spread wide across his face. He looks respectable enough, if not a bit like a weak-willed wimp. Then again, maybe Shizuo is just being exceptionally judgmental.

"Oh, let me introduce you-" Rin starts to say but is interrupted.

"Congratulations..." The word comes out begrudgingly. Against his will, even. He does not want to say it. But he says it because he wants to be able to wish her happiness, even though he really can't. Even if it's a lie, he wants her to think positively on a day that's supposed to be about her. Still, he cannot bear standing there and watching the two of them. "I have to go."

Although his exit probably seems rude and abrupt, Shizuo doesn't care – he just shoves his hand into his pocket and pulls out a brand new box of cigarettes. As he recedes from the happily now-married couple, he yanks out a cigarette and clenches it between his teeth before lighting up. But even the nicotine cannot calm his nerves this time.

And he thinks he finally understands why Izaya sent him that invitation. Of all the things that flea has ever done to get on Shizuo's nerves, to try and ruin or destroy him – this is by far the worst... Watching something so close to him, the one thing he always wanted, slip right through his fingers. And worse... It took every ounce of his willpower not to grab Rin's new husband and send him flying.

So Shizuo understands now completely. His greed, his reluctance to lose anything, and his unceasing ability to hurt anyone that gets close.

He really is a monster. He knows it.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Thanks for the reviews guys. I am so exhausted but I wanted to post this tonight since I have been updating so infrequently lately. I hope you enjoyed and would appreciate feedback, as always. :)

**omgpink - **Thank you for your reviews, criticism really pushes me to strive for better. There are certainly mistakes I have made in this story and areas for me to grow. Hopefully my next one will be an improvement upon this. :D I am trying to shed out of using description needlessly and only where it contributes to the storyline. It sounds like something so common sense but more difficult to integrate while still maintaining a decent pace. *rambles*

**loving-you-is-a-crime - **Wedding Dress is a beautiful song, I actually had never heard it before you mentioned it and then I got addicted. It helped contribute to this chapter. The story is actually based off of an idea I got from listening to Congratulations by Blue October ft. Imogen Heap.


	17. Exploitation

**Chapter 17 ; Exploitation**

"Rin?"

The sound of his voice calling her name causes her to jolt. The paintbrush falls from the grasp of her fingers and clatters to the ground. Paint flies off in the process, speckling the floor with a taupe color, splatters of wet pigment scattered everywhere. She hesitates for a moment, swallowing the lump in her throat before bending down to retrieve the brush with her shaky hand.

"Sorry," Rin tells Shizuo, who is sitting across from where she is painting, his brows furrowed at her. "I just... It's because I have my mind on something else." Not that she goes to any length to elaborate on what this "something else" is.

And the blonde is not fully convinced anyway. "Something botherin' you?" Not that the question needs asked – he seems to have already inwardly decided that something _must_ be bothering Rin, given the concerned look on his face.

After she finishes wiping up the floor with an old, stained rag, Rin climbs back onto her stool and resumes the painting, which she has not made much progress on. She smiles somewhat nervously at Shizuo in response to his question. "Bothering...?" For a moment she pauses, as though to think up a convincing lie. But at last she just arrives at dismissal as an answer. "Nothing is bothering me particularly. Don't worry about it, Heiwajima."

"You're still coming over tonight," he assumes.

Rin gives a steady nod, breaking a smile. "Yeah, we're still on for that."

What follows is silence as Rin tries to make it look as though she is working diligently. In reality, every ounce of her concentration is focused inwardly as she tries to make sense of what she is doing – what she is going to do. Izaya's words roll around in her mind like a corrosive acid that eats away at any resolve that she has.

Rin should tell Shizuo about what happened. They are not explicitly in a relationship, but they are as close to being in one as they can be. At the very least, they are friends that should be able to rely upon each other.

She knows that – is _supposed_ to know that.

"You didn't come up to the rooftop for lunch."

Once again he catches her off-guard, except this time, Rin does not drop the brush. Instead she lowers it from the canvas and peeks over at Shizuo. Perspiration trickles down her brow, though she does nothing to wipe it away. "Ah... Right. Something came up."

The lies are mounting against her slowly and gradually, she knows it. Each one feels more bitter than the last as it rolls off her tongue. And once she is done making excuses for herself this time, she is painting again. The figure on canvas does little to represent the person sitting in front of her, however. No matter how artistic and creative she is in her drawing, she cannot justify or encompass all that is Shizuo Heiwajima on canvas.

And then, like an intrusive stranger, the words Izaya spoke just earlier in the day, suddenly spring into her mind and cloud all happiness she can feel at doing art. Rin remembers that he is giving her an ultimatum in disguise of a choice. There is no "choice" in two dead-end roads.

"Kasuka is waiting."

Rin blinks away the glaze in her eyes. "Huh? Oh – right... Dinner." She breathes out a sigh and starts putting things away, careful not to let Shizuo see her work-in-progress. When they are finished, the two of them start out the door.

Although they walk together through the hallways and down the stairs, there is little conversation between them. It is not the awkward kind of silence, because the fact that they are not speaking communicates more than words ever could. Rin is contemplating the choices that she _doesn't_ have, and Shizuo knows that there is something weighing heavily on her mind but does not burden her by asking.

Instead, he gazes at her with the kind of affectionate concern that Rin does not think she has ever received before. And once they are out of the school gates and out of the sidewalks, he reaches tentatively over and nudges her hand. It is a stretch of courage on his behalf and when Rin glances over at him questioningly, his cheeks become slightly rosy as he's looking away from her.

She smiles and slips her hand in his. When their fingers intertwine, Shizuo finally looks over at her again with that subtle, lopsided grin of his. Happiness is something that belongs on his face far more than the look of anger that Rin is used to seeing in the past. And that is why she wants a future for him that has more reasons for smiling.

"Hey... Heiwajima."

Those eyes of his, dark like chocolate, gaze over at her with a fondness. "...mm?"

"After school, what are you going to do? Do you have some kind of dream that you want to accomplish?" Rin cannot imagine – with his grades and his record – that he will ever be able to make it into a university. Still, she wonders what he pictures in that head of his as the "ideal." He is not exactly the most forthcoming or straightforward about his innermost thoughts.

Yet her inquiry gives him pause to ponder, if only for a moment. "Peace," he says finally, "No more fighting." Then Shizuo squeezes her hand and looks away, somewhat embarrassed. "...with you. I'll get a job. A steady one."

Obviously he is already thinking of a future that includes the two of them together. Rin's heart aches at the mention of it, and she closes the distance between the two of them until they are almost shoulder-to-shoulder (except for the fact that Shizuo is at least a whole head taller).

"That's nice," she tells him wistfully, as though she is imagining it in her mind as something they will never have. Rin has already accepted that the future holds nothing for them. Yet she does not pull away from his tight grip on her hand. Rather, she leans her head against his arm as they walk together. Despite Shizuo's school uniform, they do not look like student and teacher; it is just a man and a woman walking together. If only that were the truth.

When they finally arrive at the front door of the Heiwajima home, Rin reluctantly releases Shizuo's hand. He steps in front of her and the moment plays slowly in her eyes. Each footstep echoes like a drumbeat and she watches his back, receding slightly and slowly as he steps up to the front door to open it. Even though she knows that she is following this time, she cannot help but think that this moment stands in contrast to what will be happening soon. He will be walking ahead and she will have to stay behind. This is their fate. Rin has accepted this.

"Rin?" he beckons her, now standing inside the house with his hand outstretched in a motion to welcome her.

Rin takes a deep breath, climbs up the last step and enters the house. Behind them, Shizuo nudges the door shut and the two proceed to the dining room where Kasuka is sitting with his usual solemn expression. Food is laid out, still steaming – they aren't _too_ late.

"You're late." Apparently Kasuka disagrees.

Rather than shower his sibling with excuses, Shizuo sheepishly answers with every bit of honesty in his character, "Ah... Rin was spacing out. I wasn't watching the time." He rubs the back of his neck before turning back to look at the young school teacher. When he smiles at her, she cannot help but return the gesture.

Finally they take a seat, side-by-side and across from Kasuka. The trio eat in peace and silence that seems far more natural than last time. Kasuka continually glances between the two of them as though he has completely caught onto what is going on. Even though he does not smile, Rin gets the impression that he approves since he gives her a slight nod when she catches him staring over at her.

When dinner is finished Kasuka starts picking up the dishes. The moment either Rin or Shizuo attempt to assist, he shuts them down with a simple, "Stop," and does all the work himself. He rather seems pleased when they take the hint and leave.

Shizuo escorts Rin back to the front door. Neither speaks on the way and it is not until they are standing outside that they both pause to look at each other. That moment is an awkward one and they both end up averting their gazes to the sky.

"I can see the stars," Rin comments.

The blonde gives a slow nod. "Aa. They're bright." It seems a bit of a silly, obvious remark, yet it is the only way that Shizuo knows how to respond. He glances over at Rin questioningly, somewhat relieved to see the mystified look on her face.

"Sometimes," she starts to tell Shizuo, "I wish I could go to the moon. I bet the Earth looks beautiful from afar. But when you get here, and you get close, it doesn't look as beautiful anymore, does it? When you get close enough, you see that it isn't what you pictured from the outside." When she says that, it seems more likely that she is talking about herself and not the Earth at all.

Maybe Shizuo realizes that. "If it was perfect, would you want to see it up close?"

Rin is a little surprised to hear something so profound coming from him. But when she turns to gaze over at him, she sees the earnest look on his face as he still stares up at the stars and the waxing moon. Again she finds herself smiling against her will, but not because she is happy. It is because this feels like goodbye. There is a last time for every good moment and she feels like this is it.

"Hm?"

She shakes her head. "No, nothing... Before I go, would you mind calling Kasuka-san out here? I wanted to talk to him for a few minutes."

Shizuo seems mildly taken aback that she would want to talk to his brother. The curiosity is probably eating at him, but he does not question her. "Sure." He turns and goes back inside. The door shuts behind him and it is several moments before Rin hears it creaking open again.

When she turns around, she feels some measure of relief to see that Shizuo has not followed after Kasuka to see what they are going to talk about. He seems to know that Rin wants a private conversation. And this whole time she has been thinking about she wants to say.

The dark-haired middle schooler just gazes at her with his usual blank stare, his lips not moving at all as he waits for her to speak.

"Thanks for dinner tonight, it was good. You take great care of your brother. If I didn't know any better, I would think you're the older sibling." She rambles a bit, her eyes wandering everywhere but Kasuka's face once she opens her mouth.

"That's not what you want to talk about."

That sentence alone is probably the most she will get him to eke out in this conversation. And it comes across as a little blunt – something that Rin is now entirely used to, thanks to Shizuo. She lets out a small sigh, trying to overcome her anxiety with some courage. "It probably seems strange for me to call you out like this... But I remembered what you said. You told me to be honest, didn't you?"

He gives a slight inclination of the head, which seems to be some indication of a yes.

"I... can't be honest, Kasuka-san," she admits as she fiddles with the hem of her blouse. "I'm scared of being honest. I'm scared of not being honest. So I wonder what I should do... But then I started to think that maybe, even if I am not as forthcoming as I should be, maybe there are some people who will understand me and my heart... Even if I can't say it."

When Rin finally chances a glance into his eyes, all Kasuka does is respond with several consecutive blinks. He still does not open his mouth to speak, as though waiting for her to say a little more.

"If you have had one hundred positive conversations, shouldn't that outweigh a single bad one? Shouldn't people judge each other based on their entire relationship, not just one fight?"

"You trust Shizuo," Kasuka assumes.

That is something she wants badly enough to confirm, yet Rin has no confidence. So she answers shakily with, "I want to. I want to have faith in him." The tears are starting to form because she really just wants to confess everything to Kasuka. He has taken the odd spot of an adviser in her eyes, even though he is so significantly younger. And the second that Rin remembers who it is she is talking to, she berates herself for differing judgment to a teenager. "Sorry... I shouldn't burden you with this."

For a moment Kasuka does not respond. The expression on his face is unreadable but Rin assumes that he is inwardly debating what she has said. And finally he comes out with, "Trust him." He does not smile or lie to reassure her. It is a simple two word sentence. There is nothing about what he says that indicates that he has one-hundred percent confidence, either. Still, Kasuka is Shizuo's brother and Rin takes it as the most solid assurance she can be given.

This is the first time she smiles one-hundred percent genuinely. "Thanks, Kasuka-san. I better go home."

Turning her back, Rin heads down the sidewalk. Since her apartment is not too far, she fully intends to walk the whole way there. And Kasuka does not contest her wishes – he heads inside without saying anything else to her. But halfway down the street she hears the sound of echoing footsteps behind her. Pausing, she turns around to see Shizuo who is sprinting to catch up to her. When he finally does, he doesn't even seem to be _slightly_ out of breath, a testament to how strong he is.

"It might not be safe," he mumbles when she gives a questioning look.

Even Rin knows better than that. Shizuo is actually just looking for an excuse to spend more time with her, not that she minds. Although her conversation with Kasuka has brought her even closer to the edge, where she will inevitably have to jump, that time is not now. So she grins at Shizuo and reaches for his hand. They walk, once again, with their fingers locked together.

While they are on their way back to her house, Shizuo pops out a question, "After you finish at Raijin... What will you do?" It seems he is redirecting the question she asked earlier.

"I want to continue being an art teacher. Although it wouldn't be bad to be a professional artist, either. Hm... There are a lot of possibilities." At least, she wants to think there are. It largely depends on how things turn out in the coming weeks... The repercussions to all the decisions she has made until now. Rin squeezes Shizuo's hand as she thinks about it.

"You're a good teacher."

Hearing that prompts her cheeks to heat up and her heart to flutter. Yet Rin cannot help but inwardly disagree with him. She is involved inappropriately with a student. There is nothing more condemning than that. Despite that, she is successfully keeping enough distance to convince herself that she has not committed an irreversible wrong. That is, of course, ignoring the fact that they have already kissed _twice_. But Shizuo will be graduating soon.

As soon as silence starts settling over them, Rin's own thoughts begin to once again torment her. She can't have that so she occupies herself with some pointless smalltalk. "Kasuka-san, your little brother, he is a really smart kid. He will do really well in the world."

"Better than me," Shizuo admits somewhat drearily.

"That's not true. I think you're just a sensitive person, Heiwajima. This really cruel world... It isn't ready for people like you. That's why the two of you conflict. That isn't something that is your fault, and maybe it isn't something bad, either."

He seems completely nonplussed by her answer.

Rin giggles at the expression on his face, which is by all rights quizzical and bewildered. "Did that not make any sense? Well, think of it like this, Heiwajima... Even when the most gentle animal is cornered, it has no choice but to fight back. In this city, filled with people looking for opportunities of exploitation, how can you just sit back if they're targeting you?"

"Are you talking about..." His voice trails off. The name lingers at the back of his throat and comes to the edge of his tongue but it dies there. Even so, Shizuo does not have to speak it for the both of them to understand who he is referring to.

"That's exactly the worst example of what I was talking about." Her voice lowers noticeably but Shizuo probably just thinks that is because of what happened in the past. The teen probably does not realize the newest implications.

The rest of the conversation that they engage in is free of any mention of Izaya. It is light and friendly. Shizuo seems to be unusually talkative and responsive. He seems to be quite excited, happy that Rin is finally receptive to his feelings and advances. And they are both reluctant to part when Rin finally reaches her door. For a moment she pauses to get her keys out of her bag, back turned to Shizuo as she rummages through her things.

He takes the opportunity and sneaks his arms around her, cinching them across her arms, forcing her to stop in her search for her keys. "Rin," he whispers her name as he rests his chin on the top of her head. There is a sadness in his voice, a longing that she also recognizes.

"Is something wrong?" She asks him with some hesitation, hugging his arms in return.

There is only silence to answer her question. Maybe it is because Shizuo notices the subtle signs that indicate that something is coming that will cause a permanent rift between the two of them. But for that lingering moment he clings to her without responding.

"Heiwajima?"

"Shizuo," he corrects her in a quiet murmur.

Rin swallows hard just thinking about calling him so familiarly. It seems silly, she realizes, but it seems like calling him by his first name will incite an irreversible chain of events – that the two of them will cross a line that she has worked so hard to establish and maintain. Still, despite her reluctance, she manages to squeak it out, absent of an honorific, "Shizuo."

"When I graduate... The two of us..."

She stops him there, pulling out of his grasp and turning to face him. At first the blonde seems a bit bewildered by her actions but then Rin pecks him right on his cheek, after lifting herself onto her tiptoes to do so. "Avoid detention, keep your grades and attendance up, then graduate. We can talk about other things after that."

The kiss is enough to convince him and so Shizuo just give a complacent, albeit stiff, nod.

At that point they finally part with some reluctance as Rin manages to locate her keys and enter her apartment. Once inside, she peeks out the window shades to watch Shizuo, who numbly turns to take his leave. As he passes, she sees that he has a crooked smile on his face and seems quite pleased with himself. It is in watching him go that she finally lets the tears well up and spill over. Once he has disappeared, she sinks down to her knees and starts sobbing.

—

It is a cold morning where a jacket provides little protection from the frigidness of the air. Granted that it is still winter after all and Rin has never been more anxious for spring. And as she ambles down the sidewalk on her usual way to school, she dabs her half-frozen fingers against the darkened circles beneath her eyes. They are as well covered up by makeup as she can manage but it is a little more than evident than she has been crying for a while, as well as missing sleep.

Trying to keep her mind off of other things, she tugs her muffler up over her mouth before rubbing her hands together to try and create some heat. Her eyelids are weighing heavily with exhaustion as she strolls up to the front gates of the school. But falling asleep in class is the last thing that Rin has to fear today.

"Ri... Takemori-sensei," Shizuo quickly corrects himself the moment he spots her. For all of her preoccupation, she nearly passes him by, still actively trying to breathe against her hands in a desperate effort to keep them warm. On the other hand, Shizuo seems to be dressed fairly lightly and utterly unaffected by the cold. She wonders if it is because he was born in a winter month.

"W-what is it, H-Heiwajima?" she asks with chattering teeth.

He reaches for her trembling hands and leans in close to breathe on them. Except it backfires, setting her face alight and causing her to reel back in a panic. "W-What are you doing?" Rin gasps, "We're at school!" Although she tries to keep her voice low enough for the students passing them by not to notice.

Shizuo shrugs honestly, as though he does not seem to care at all what other people think.

Rin sighs at his cluelessness. "Head to class, Heiwajima." Despite being reprimanded, he seems about as brash as ever, leaning forward to examine her, no doubt having noticed the puffy circles underneath her eyes. Rin flatly lays her hand across his face and pushes him away. "I said, 'Head to class, Heiwajima,' don't make me say it again." Her mood seems particularly foul but he does not seem bothered by it.

"Okay," the teen relents. "See you at lunch."

When he finally retreats into the building before she does, Rin feels a little bit of guilt settling in the pit of her stomach. And she knows that if she feels this bad about such a simple rejection, that it will tear her apart to do what she has resolved to do.

Nonetheless, with unerring determination, she heads toward the doors and then mounts the stairs to head up to the floor that her classroom on. The march down the hallway is a significant one as she holds her head as highly as she can manage. Even though she has little self-confidence, she portrays herself as the very personification of it.

When she enters the classroom, it initially seems empty. At least until she steps fully inside. Without Rin even turning around, the door shuts by itself. It is at that point that she realizes that Izaya has been waiting for her, just as she has anticipated.

"That was quite the display out there, Takemori-sensei. Are you still stringing Shizu-chan along? How heartless of you!" He cackles as he circles around Rin until he is on the other side of her. The dark-haired teen has his hands stuffed into his pockets and he wears a large, unpleasant grin on his face.

"I don't need your commentary," she tells him bluntly.

He makes a sound, like the purring of a cat that tells her just how amused he is by this situation. "Oho, no need to sound so offended, Sensei. I was complimenting you, after all." And what a load of crock that claim is. "But I didn't come to school early to provide my insight into your love affair. Have you made your decision?"

"As long as you agree not to spread those pictures."

The fact that she complies so readily seems to disappoint him. "Oh? How predictable. You're really willing to sacrifice Shizu-chan for your own well-being? Well, it is the logical choice of any normal person, although I had you pegged for something more, Sensei."

"I don't need your critique of my decision, I said I'd do it. I'll help you frame Heiwajima."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Phew! Wrote this all in a few hours yesterday, not entirely sure how I found the motivation. Thanks for all the reviews on last chapter, you guys are awesome. :D I hope you enjoyed this chapter, too.


	18. When You Go

**Chapter 18 ; When You Go**

The pen darts across the paper hastily as she scribbles out a note. It is a solitary sound in a room that only echoes from its emptiness. Even the hallways outside her classroom seem to be devoid of a single footstep. Yet she is sure the cafeteria is bustling. And Shizuo will be on his way to see her soon, wondering why she has not come up to the rooftop.

Tears are spilling down her cheeks despite her resolve to hold them back. The salty droplets fall onto the paper upon which she has organized little more than a coherent sentence. Unfortunately her letter, however brief, is now littered with tears – tiny, wet creases all across it, staining and in several areas, distorting the ink.

A few sniffles later and she drops the writing utensil back into the cup on her desk, with the myriad of other pens and pencils to keep it company. And that seems like a silly thought, yet she feels so alone writing this letter. Rin even second guesses herself after she has finished it.

"What am I doing?" she asks herself in a mumble.

Her eyes dart over the words one last time before she folds the note, somewhat hastily, and stuffs it into her pocket. Shizuo will be here soon, she reminds herself. And so she tries to wipe away the remaining tears with her sleeve. Considering how red and puffy her eyes are from all the crying she has done, Rin will not be surprised if Shizuo notices. But she hopes he doesn't, hopes he pretends not to, at least.

Then it comes, a short few seconds later. The door cracks open and she can sense his presence. It comes second nature to her. There is a sort of calm aura that he carries around him. Yet while it usually soothes her, Rin feels wracked with guilt. She keeps her eyes averted. Looking at him will just make her feel worse, she knows it.

"Rin?"

The moment his voice comes out and beckons her, Rin instinctively lifts her chin. In a short few strides he has already made it over to the side of her desk. Casually, he has his hands stuffed into his pockets. His hair is a little disheveled, as is his uniform, but he nevertheless seems to have a small crease to his lips. It's like he is _smiling_ at her.

There is a cracking sound she hears that no one else probably does – it is the breaking of her own heart as she looks at him. Rin is a terrible liar and she knows it. The smile she tries to plaster on her face surely looks fake and forced. "H-Hey, Heiwajima." There is even a noticeable stutter to her voice. Who is she trying to fool? She can't deceive anyone, least of all herself.

"...coming for lunch?" He inclines his head at her, brows furrowed slightly at her odd behavior.

Trying to recover her composure, Rin gives a short, albeit jerky, nod. "Yeah, sorry. I was just distracted by something... But, yeah, I made lunch. So let's go up to the rooftop."

"We can eat here," he offers.

As she gets up from her chair and grabs the two bento boxes she has prepared, Rin pauses briefly to peer over at Shizuo. She wears a wistful smile on her face as she says, "No... I'd like to go to the rooftop." _Because it may be the last time we ever do._ She leaves out that last part – those words are spoken only silently in her head.

Once she is ready, the two of them leave the classroom and make their way to the stairs, walking side-by-side. Most of the way is surprisingly silent. Unfortunately it is not the comfortable silence she has become accustomed to in Shizuo's presence. It is awkward and burdensome. Rin is anxious to break it but every time she glances up at his face, she loses her nerve.

There are knots twisting so tightly in the pit of her stomach that she feels as though she might double over from the pain. It's enough to make her nauseous – enough to make her throw up. So there is little surprise that, when they finally do make it to the rooftop, she hardly touches any of her lunch.

Instead the opened box sits in front of her crossed legs, looking pristine and well-prepared. It is probably the first lunch she has made that actually _looks_ edible. Yet Rin does not pause to think of her cooking progress.

On the other hand, Shizuo seems to be scarfing it down. His chopsticks are little more than a shovel to prompt the food to fall down his throat faster. It does not take very long for him to finish, looking quite content... At least until he notices the forlorn expression on Rin's face, her eyes fixated on the food in front of her. Her chopsticks are held only loosely in her hand, precariously balanced and no doubt about slip between her fingers.

"Not going to eat?"

She blinks away her thoughts and peers over at Shizuo. A genuine smile finds its way to her face as she notices a few grains of rice stuck to his lips. Gingerly, Rin reaches over and brushes them away from his face. The contact is brief and innocent. Yet in those short few seconds, she finds herself staring at his lips, then his eyes as she self-consciously realizes that he is staring at her.

"Sorr–" she opens her mouth to apologizes but is cut short when he grabs her hand as she tries to pull away. A moment later their lips collide. It is certainly the most inappropriate place for a kiss, and if she was thinking with any manner of logic befitting a teacher, Rin would have pulled away immediately. But there is one thought sitting with her that leaves her hesitating. _This might be the last kiss._

Rather than the usual burning, fiery passion that Rin is used to feeling when their lips are locked, this kiss is full of longing... It is bittersweet, just like a silent goodbye that they do not even know they are saying to each other. But Rin realizes it, even if Shizuo does not.

That is the very reason that she is the first to break away, her gaze glued to the floor as she leans back against the fence. For a long moment, she does not even bother to glance back at the man sitting beside her.

"Rin?" he whispers her name.

The nausea is overwhelming her by now. "Lunch break is almost over," Rin barely manages to grunt out as she hastily wraps up her untouched bento box. "I have to get back to the classroom."

"You didn't eat."

"I'm not feeling very good today, that's all."

Just as she is about to stand up and leave, Shizuo leans forward – invading her personal space – and his large hand finds its way to her forehead. Surprised and alarmed at first, Rin just freezes under the touch.

"You don't have a fever."

His concern only intensifies her crushing guilt. Despite the tremor in her hand, Rin shoves Shizuo away with a snappy, "I'm fine." It probably comes across more coldly than she intends, but the way he still gazes at her despite that, with such overwhelming affection, only leaves Rin lamenting on their predicament.

"Tonight... Come have dinner." It is probably supposed to be more of a request than a demand, but it comes out as the latter anyway.

"I can't... I have something I have to do... So, actually..." Rin reaches into her pocket for the note that she scribbled earlier. For a moment she hesitates and stops to look back up at Shizuo. There is a pleading in her eyes that she is sure he probably does not recognize. But silently, she is hoping he understands the imploring look she is giving him. "...Heiwajima, do you... Do you trust me? Completely trust me?"

Obviously her all-too-subtle hints are lost on him. He gives her a short few blinks before answering with a vague, "Yeah."

For a moment her resolve wavers, as Rin is not entirely convinced. She wants to believe that Shizuo trusts her. Yet, in her own hypocrisy, she does not completely trust him, either. And perhaps that is her weakness. Nonetheless, she puts every ounce of her own faith in hoping that this will work. So she grabs the note she has stowed away and hastily shoves it against Shizuo's chest. "Here," she whispers to him, "Read this when you get back to class."

As soon as he is gripping the crumpled piece of paper, Rin quite literally flees. In rushing down the stairs, she nearly loses her balance several times. She has an iron grip on her lunchbox; her knuckles are pale white from how tight she is holding the plastic box. And her entire body is trembling as the acuity of her vision momentarily falters – everything seems to be shaking around her. It is as though she is experiencing an earthquake that no one else can feel.

On the way back to the classroom, Rin makes a quick detour to the bathroom. She barely manages to bulldoze her way past a student and into a stall when she feels it bubbling up from her stomach. Her knees crash against the cold tile. The lunchbox clatters to the ground beside her as she hurriedly pulls her hair out of the way of her face.

There is a terrible retching sound that echoes in the opened stall. The student that she nearly trampled gazes in at her with a nervous look. "A-Are you okay?" the girl inquires with some trepidation.

In between fits of nearly choking on what she had for breakfast – at least, that's what Rin assumes that is – she manages to sputter out a short, "No," and then, "Go away." It is said rather quietly but the student takes the hint and leaves without another word.

Left to emptiness and silence once she has managed to regain her bearings, Rin slouches against the side of the stall. Reaching toward the roll of toilet paper with her shaking hands, she manages to yank off a few sheets and hastily wipe her face clean.

Those eyes of hers, normally lively and reflective of her sometimes obnoxious optimism, have glazed over like a curdled surface of liquid. And similarly, she moves like a zombie when she finally gets the mind to stand up. Before Rin leaves the stall, she hastily reaches for her lunchbox. A brief pause in front of the mirror gives her a moment to splash cold liquid against her face. Wash away the tears that have started, clean up any evidence that she just spent five minutes throwing up her guts, and then she figures she is fine. Ready to go on to class.

Yet when she returns to the hallway and starts back toward her room, there is something different about Rin Takemori. Most people probably do not realize it – the few that grant her a momentary glance, that is. Only to the keen eye of the ever-observant Izaya can it be noticed that Rin's back is slightly hunched, that her arms are drooped and her neck craned forward. It is not the solitary gait of a confident woman, granted that when she displays such a disposition, it is nothing more than a facade. Nonetheless, it is clear that the pressure is making those walls of hers cave inward in a dangerous, self-destructive way.

And for whatever reason, the manipulative young student watching her from afar, orchestrating this whole farce, seems to be quite satisfied by watching how things are unfolding.

Resuming teaching despite all she has been through proves to be more overwhelming than expected. Rin finds her attention drifting several times during the day. For that reason, she is thankful that she is an art teacher. No one seems to notice. Perhaps, more aptly, no one really cares. It is that crushing realization – that, maybe, she isn't such a great teacher after all – that convinces her that what she is doing has no meaning.

At the end of the day, when the final bell rings and every last student has trickled out of the doors to her classroom, Rin takes a seat at her desk. Arms folded across the surface, she leans her head down and closes her eyes. Thoughts are swarming around in her head likes moths to a flame. She cannot sort through any of them. It is both counterproductive and frustrating at the same time.

Then, just as her thoughts briefly visit his image, Izaya comes slinking in through her doors. They both know that he is the last person she wants to see. Rin can tell by the way his footsteps echo that it is him. That's why she does not bother to look up, does not even bat an eyelash when she hears his voice. She expects it.

"Takemori-sensei, why the long face?"

"You can't see my face," she mumbles in response.

He chuckles at her deadpan retort. "My, my... Is that all the resistance you have left? And here I was hoping for better from you... Well, it isn't as though I hadn't expected this. You are even more predictable than Shizuo. It is _so_ disappointing. Here I was yearning for a show and all you can provide is cheap entertainment. Tsk, tsk..."

"Narcissist." When the label runs across her mind, she slaps it on him straight off. It encompasses someone like Izaya completely... A person obsessed with themselves and their "work," or at least what Izaya considers his work. (Which is really nothing more than toying with people and fiddling in their lives, making a general mess out of things.)

Still, it amuses him to hear her say that. "Oh? Is that what you think of me?"

Finally, as though Rin has managed to regain a bit of her spiteful edge toward him, she sits upright and directs a glare toward him. "Yes, that's exactly what I think of you."

"How inconsiderate for a teacher to say such a thing!" And that is where he hits the trigger – Rin noticeably flinches. A cat-like grin spreads across his lips. "Ah? Did that hit a nerve somewhere?" It seems like his twisted mind has grabbed hold of a rope, signifying her self-esteem issues with her job, which he proceeds to knot and tangle. "You really shouldn't have sore spot for teaching, Sensei. After all... You aren't _really_ even a teacher, are you? Just a substitute. Just the only poor sod the school could find to replace a pregnant woman. Nothing permanent. Who would want to keep you on with all the trouble you cause? With how poorly your instructing abilities are?"

Despite how those words grind into her very soul, Rin remains resilient. She crosses her arms in front of her chest. "You can say whatever you want, Orihara. I don't expect to receive compliments from you. You can criticize me as much as you want, it doesn't mean anything. I don't value your opinion."

"Ah, right!" He snaps his fingers. "So whose opinion do you value, Sensei? Apparently not Shizu-chan's. After all, you have already decided to abandon him for the protection of yourself. You probably don't care about the kind of burden you have placed on him or about how illicit your relationship was. No scruples, right? After all, you were willing to mess around with a student – could have been any student. Shizu-chan is nothing special, is he?"

Those are easily below the belt. Rin lowers her gaze and her lips quiver. Tears are starting to well up in the ducts of her eyes but she tries her best to hold them back. At first she tries to open her mouth and spit something back at him, but despite her intentions to make a curt retort, her voice just cracks when she tries to speak. "I... I-I..."

"That's right... You, Rin Takemori, a failure in your engagement. A failure at teaching. And a failure at caring for others. You're quite the hypocrite, aren't you? And here you have been sending so many boys to detention for not measuring up to your standards. Tell me, Sensei, why should other people be measured by your twisted sense of right and wrong if you can't even live up to the basic morals of society?"

That decimates her and as Rin tries to stand up from her chair, she makes a clumsy move and teeters on the edge of her seat for a brief moment before toppling over. Thrown to the floor, a few flyaway strands of her hair fall into her face as she lies sprawled across the tiled flooring. Despite her embarrassment, Rin does not have the mind to blush in mortification – not when she is devastated by how much every single one of Izaya's words hurt. Deliberate and slow, she manages to crawl off her aching side. But just as she sits up, she notices two legs standing in front of her. Her gaze wanders up almost instinctively.

The dark-haired boy peers down at her with a lopsided smirk. "Try not to disappoint me again tonight, Sensei. Put on a good performance." With that callous advisement, he turns to take his leave.

Before Izaya can escape, Rin's hand shoots out and snatches the back of his jacket. Holding tight to the fistful of fabric, she grinds her teeth together in her frustration.

"What?" he challenges her. "You want to hit me? How scary~"

"This," Rin seethes out, "Won't end the way you want it to..."

Such a desperate response seems to be nothing short of an indication that she has been defeated. The puppeteer – as he most likely considers himself to be in this play – merely cackles as he shakes off her grip. He does nothing more than laugh his whole way out, not even sparing her a word.

—

It is late when Rin finds herself standing outside of her apartment building, just at the base of the steps leading to the second floor. There is a flickering streetlight nearby. She wishes she had a watch to check the time – but it seems like she doesn't need to.

"F-five more minutes," the young man standing in front of her informs. He adjusts his glasses nervously.

When he stops talking, they are immersed in silence. A silence that, in summer, would ordinarily be filled by the cicada's lullaby. Alas, the air in Ikebukuro is heavy with turmoil and burdened by the chaos of city life – millions of people bustling through its crowded streets. Yet, for as busy and for as much movement takes place in the city everyday, Rin cannot hear any of it. Maybe she is just tuning it out. Her mind is focused on only one thing.

The person standing in front of her is only in his first year, another one of Rin's art students. A particularly nervous fellow, it appears to her that he has come under Izaya's influence. (But that menace does seem to infiltrate and infect every corner of their school that he can, so Rin supposes she should expect it.) It is against both of their wills to be participating in this farce.

She would call it a poorly constructed plan but it is rather simple and straightforward. Enough that it would be able to be effective, much to Rin's chagrin. The object is for her to signal her partner in crime as soon as she sees Shizuo round the corner. Then the poor student will push her down, pretending to mug her. The chaos that ensues – no doubt the student getting injured in the process – is Izaya's idea of framing Shizuo once again. Same crime as before, where he undoubtedly setup Shizuo for expulsion. Only this time, Rin is supposed to be playing along.

Yet, much to her trembling student's relief, the clock ticks away the time until ten minutes past the time that Shizuo is supposed to appear. By now, the cold night's air has been caressing their cheeks for a good half hour. Rin can barely feel her fingers or her legs – although the latter of which is just because she has been standing almost lock-kneed for so long.

"Is... he not coming?"

There is no expression on Rin's face to indicate how she feels. Nonetheless she quietly murmurs, "No, he's not coming." At this point her lips perform a small up-curl, an almost smile that falters as soon as she hears approaching footsteps.

"Hm, Shizu-chan must have pretty good intuition to have abandoned you, Sensei. Unless... You intentionally advised him not to come?" Hands dipped into his pockets, Izaya strolls up with an even grin on his face. He does not seem displeased at the turn of events. If anything, he seems curious as to why things have not turned out as planned.

"You can go home," Rin tells her young student.

"Thank you!" he exclaims with both delight and relief. Without hesitating for a moment, the nervous boy sprints off without pausing to look back. Rin is glad for him. At least for now, he has managed to escape Izaya's devious scheming.

"So what is it, Sensei?"

At his prompting, Rin finally turns her gaze toward the impatient deviant. "I told you things wouldn't go the way you wanted them to," she tells him with measured bitterness. Despite how calm she tries to sound, there are beads of perspiration trickling down her forehead, indicative of her own nervousness. This tips off Izaya, who suspects there is something more to it than she is leading on.

"It's no accident that Shizu-chan isn't here. Now why is that?" He takes a step closer, as though eliminating distance between them will intimidate her enough to answer.

Regardless of how brave she appears on the exterior, however, it is true that Rin does feel a little unsettled by Izaya closing in on her. "It's not an accident," she confirms quietly. And although the young woman gives the appearance that she is gazing straight at him, in reality she is peering over his shoulder.

Izaya does not see it but Rin does. Around that corner that she has been watching for the past hour, a tall, blonde-haired teen appears. He is walking leisurely at first with his eyes focused dully in front of him. He stops short, just a few yards away, when he recognizes Rin's face through the darkness. And though a bit blurry from the distance, Rin can see his expression contort as he recognizes the back of Izaya's head.

The orchestrator of this entire event, however, remains steadfastly unaware. "You realize that the fact that he hasn't come... Means I'm going to send those pictures to the school officials, right? Or perhaps you would prefer I publish them so even the students can see?" His intentions are to instigate another conversation where he can disparage her, no doubt, but Izaya quickly realizes that his taunting is having no effect.

In the split second it takes Shizuo to rip out the nearest pedestrian crossing sign, a strangled cry ruptures through the silence of the night "Izaaaaaaayaaaaaa!"

There is a momentary look of surprise on Izaya's face that fades the moment it surfaces. He reaches into his pocket just as he starts to turn toward the sound of Shizuo's charge. It gives Rin just a few brief seconds, in which she interrupts him from drawing his flickblade. Rushing at her student from behind, she shoves the dark-haired boy to the ground just moments before Shizuo takes his swing.

In that belated moment, Shizuo cannot stop himself even after he recognizes the target that he is about to hit. No matter how much strength he has, he hasn't the opportunity to completely register what is happening, let alone stop in the middle of a full-force attack.

And so the metal pole slams against the side of Rin's body. There is a sickening, audible crack as the momentum of the object colliding against her proceeds to send her hurtling through the air. Everything goes in slow motion as she feels her body spinning, limbs dangling helplessly. It might elicit a feeling of euphoria, if not for the pain shooting through her entire body. And when her body smashes into the adjacent building, Rin momentarily loses all of her oxygen – if she had not already from the original impact. Everything is a sensory overload that shuts her brain down. Unconscious, she collapses onto the ground in a heap.

Few words can relay the devastation on Shizuo's face as he releases the sign from his hand. It collapses onto the ground but his ears cannot perceive the noise. Nor the sound of Izaya's maniacal laughter. Or his own footsteps as he shuffles forward, closer toward her. Everything feels numb as he mutters her name, "Rin..."

When he gets close enough, he can see it – blood trickling down her forehead... And her eyes are closed. There is a lump in his throat and his legs stop moving. Slowly, he sinks to the ground, still a good distance away from her. He cannot approach. He is not allowed. The only thing going through Shizuo's head is, _"It's all your fault."_

And in the background, although he can barely perceive it, Izaya is on his feet spinning in circles. "That was beautiful!" he exclaims joyously with an expression of pure euphoria.

* * *

**Author's Note:** After an exhausting, long and yet successful NaNoWriMo, I will be attempting to update more regularly. Hopefully twice a month but at least once a month. (I know, that doesn't sound like much. Wait until school's over and maybe I can marathon update until this story is finished.) I will try not to inspire too much hope with my own optimism.

Anyways, thank you guys so much for the uplifting reviews. **Micky Moon - **Huge thanks for the wonderful feedback. I love getting reviews. :D


	19. Bitterness

**Chapter 19 ; Bitterness**

It is strange how many different patterns you can make out of the tiles on your ceiling if you stare at it long enough. He has lost track of the time. All he knows is that the lamp by his bedside table has had its usefulness robbed by the sun peeking over the horizon, spilling amber rays into the room. Exhaustion weighs heavily on his eyelids yet he does not heed the beckon of sleep.

Wearily, Shizuo finally peels his gaze from the ceiling, just long enough for a flitting glance at the alarm clock. Good. Only thirty minutes until he is supposed to go to work. It will be another five until his alarm goes off to remind him, to wake him up.

Not that he has needed any help waking up for the past week. Rin's wedding has done enough to instill insomnia in him. A condition he has never been familiar with before. But now he knows his ceiling well enough that he could paint the entire design on canvas. Granted he hasn't the patience to settle down with a paint brush. Not like Rin.

And he tires of the fact that every train of thought eventually arrives at the Takemori station. Perhaps it is the regret that he wears, like a thick outer skin that he cannot peel off even if he tries. It is all-consuming and not something that he can ever possibly escape.

In his head, he entertains what ifs. Wistfully laments about how things might have been different if he had heeded the warning signs all those years ago. If he had suspected Rin's odd behavior, if he had placed full trust in her – if, if, if. Those thoughts are like termites infesting his mind, eating away at whatever is left of his sanity.

With his gaze still focused on the ceiling, discerning various patterns, he languidly reaches over toward his alarm clock. There is still a box of cigarettes there – empty, perhaps. He is not really sure. There has to be at least one left. God, please let there be one. He has been fucked over enough in these past few days. The last thing he needs is to be completely out of smokes.

But alas, when he finally does find it and bring it into view, it is certifiably empty. Shizuo curses angrily under his breath as he crumples the box into his fist and tosses it toward the other end of the room. It clatters quietly against the floor as his arm falls back to his side.

Damn. Now he is going to have to leave early so he can go to the convenience store and pick up another box. Convenience store... Yeah, now he is remembering when he met her there, too. And that train of thought eventually leads to Izaya.

What is that flea up to, anyway? Shizuo has not seen the mischievous weasel skulking about Ikebukuro since their last encounter. It seems suspicious, especially given that it was the informant himself who gave Shizuo the invitation to Rin's wedding. Why?

It is not bubbling curiosity that drives these questions, it is the bitterness within him. He blames Izaya for everything not turning out. Of course, it has to be the flea's fault. Ninety-nine percent of the time, Izaya is at fault when something goes wrong. But maybe this time – maybe this time is that one percent. That one percent where it is both Shizuo and Rin's fault. Not that he pauses to give that possibility any consideration.

Suddenly the phone starts ringing from its place in the kitchen and Shizuo has to drag himself out of bed and down the hallway just to retrieve it. In his morbid mindset, he is half-tempted to rip the whole damned contraption out of the wall and send it flying. But then he would have his landlord jumping down his throat again for property damage.

A short, breathy sigh and then he answers. "Yeah?"

"It's me," Kasuka responds, as though the slow drawl of his voice is not an obvious enough indicator.

"Ah. Something wrong?" Considering the rarity in which his brother ever phones him while working overseas, Shizuo immediately suspects something is amiss. In the back of his head, he easily guesses that Kasuka probably is not calling because something is wrong with him, but because he is worried about whether or not something is wrong with Shizuo.

Naturally, Kasuka converses by using as few words as possible, as though he sees it as too troublesome to burden their talk with unnecessary chatter. "Did you go?"

Shizuo does not have to clarify that Kasuka is referring to the wedding. They both know that is what this entire conversation is about. "Yeah. I went." The other end is silent, as though Kasuka is waiting in expectation that his brother will have more to say about it. And while Shizuo really does not, he wraps up his answer with filler information. "I watched. I met him... Her... husband. I left."

The pause between 'her' and 'husband' is quite telling for Kasuka, even if Shizuo tries to overlook it. "Do you regret it?"

"She should be happy now."

That is not really the answer that Kasuka is looking for and they both know it. Perhaps it is a brotherly connection. With only a few words, they manage to convey a lot to each other. But it is Shizuo who is at a disadvantage, considering he usually reads Kasuka's nonverbal cues to get a better idea of what his sibling is thinking. In a phone conversation where Kasuka scarcely speaks, it makes it more difficult.

"You told her," Kasuka guesses – and Shizuo assumes that it is about his feelings for Rin.

"Yeah. It's too late."

There is silence after Shizuo speaks those few words. Neither one seems to know what to say. What more is there to say? No proper consolation can really be offered in the face of something like this. It would sound petty to most. A high school crush, they would say, is hardly worth wasting a single remorseful thought on. But it was never a crush to Shizuo. It was and has always been more. A scar that he has carried from the moment he ripped that pole out of the ground and swung it at Izaya – and hit her instead. It is an unhealing, self-inflicted guilt wound.

"You did good."

Those words are not what he is expecting but they are strangely comforting. Shizuo should have known. Kasuka has always known exactly what to say. He feels himself crack a small smile despite his own morose mood.

"Yeah..."

"Bye."

There is a click on the other end and then a dead tone. Shizuo gingerly places the receiver back on the hook. Afterward, he is left standing there in the emptiness and silence feeling ever so slightly... relieved. As though a weight has been lifted from his heart.

He is surely still rueful about how things have turned out but Shizuo is beginning to let go of it. Perhaps it is all thanks to his younger sibling's support. He is not sure. Nor does he really care. The fact that he feels like he can breathe again – that is something.

But then he hears the shrill cry of his alarm clock, ringing noisily in reminder of the job that he does not want to lose. The blonde will have to hurry if he wants to shower and make it to the convenience store without delaying Tom from starting their route.

Unlike the mornings prior, he does not waste the minutes brooding in the shower – somehow things feel a little brighter. Enough that he manages to be out of the door in plenty of time, straight on his way to the convenience store. And while he still glares down the clerk while muttering about how badly he needs his nicotine, Shizuo does not throttle the man for second guessing him about the brand.

Yet for all of his sudden good cheer – if you could call it that – there is something about Ikebukuro that feels strangely... off. He notices it when he is marching down the street, slouching with his hands stuffed into the depths of his pockets, cigarette sticking wryly out of his mouth. There is a stench that permeates, however faintly, throughout the streets.

And when he spots Tom, rather than supplying their meeting with any kind of good morning, he says, "Something stinks." These nauseous fumes – he has had the displeasure of inhaling them before, though he cannot put his finger on just _where_ or _when_ it was. All he knows is that there is a familiarity to it. It probably seems strange for Shizuo to be so fixated on a smell – one that no one else seems to notice.

"This another one of your 'bad feelings'?" Tom pauses for a quick sigh. "Here I was hopin' today would be easy."

Intuition is probably more the word for it. Shizuo's sixth sense, so to speak, for trouble. And for him, trouble always comes in the form of a particularly annoying flea. Though the blonde settles on this suspicion, it really seems little more than paranoia considering that the informant has not made an appearance in some time.

While Shizuo preoccupies himself by scanning the streets for any sign of that badger, that weasel, that slimy worm – any such befitting name, really – he skulks silently behind Tom. The route is a familiar one, hitting up all the usuals that are still making payments on their debts. Most are familiar with Shizuo's brute strength and therefore do not require a beating in order to fork over what little they have. The new ones, however, are completely oblivious and require Shizuo's persuasion. And while the blonde is swift in delivering it, he remains particularly distracted.

"...pain."

Shizuo only catches the back end of that sentence as they are trodding along. "...mm?" He makes a grunting response that Tom can only perceive as a questioning sort.

"S'pain," the older man explains in an exasperated gasp as they maneuver away from the heart of the city and into the rundown suburbs. Apartment buildings and old houses line the streets, looking particularly dilapidated. Crumbling siding, missing shingles – it's a rather disenchanting sight, but one familiar to Shizuo. They have been in this poor side of town at least a few times.

"Ah."

Getting a response from Shizuo can only indicate some measure of interest, so Tom takes a moment to elaborate as they clamber up a short flight of stairs. "Completely out of our way."

Any expression of interest on Shizuo's behalf dies there, considering it is not the first time they have had to make a lengthy detour to procure necessary payments. Such trips tend to be infrequent. But something seems a little different about this one. The lingering, faint stench seems to be growing gradually stronger. The herculean bodyguard keeps his beady eyes peeled, to little avail.

There is little foot traffic all the way out here. Especially during the week, in the middle of the day. Most people are working, or at least looking for work – as the case may be for the many unfortunates living out this way.

"Top floor," Tom grumbles beneath his breath as they arrive at the base of a particularly old apartment building. There are cracks running along the sides, and the staircase rumbles with each carefully planted footstep. Even Shizuo half-wonders if the slightest misstep might end in the two of them plummeting back to the ground, considering how the whole damn thing seems to swing from side to side precariously with each movement.

It is with some relief that they manage to get up to the necessary floor. Finding the proper door thereafter proves to be a particular pain, however, because none of them are marked. Tom ends up knocking on each one individually – most without an answer. Finally at the end of the row there are only two left, and considering they have checked eight already, it only makes sense that it has to be one of the last two, all the others having been eliminated.

So while Shizuo lingers a few feet back, peering over the railing and out at the town, Tom approaches the door with exhausted persistence. He lays a couple of expectant knocks, not the least bit fazed when there is no answer. He mutters a few obscenities under his breath before turning to the last door. Yet just as they are about to move on, the rusty handle twists and the rickety door opens inward with a noisy creaking.

"Yes?"

Shizuo still has his back turned when he hears the voice. It makes his stomach lurch as he quickly shakes his head. Impossible, he tells himself. That almost sounds like–

"Are you here for the payment?"

His jaw loosens and the butt of his cigarette wriggles free from his lips, hurdling over the side of the building as Shizuo remains stunned by the recognition. Now he knows for certain. That voice... And that lingering stench...

"Ah, yeah. All the other apartments empty?"

"Seems that way. I'll be right back with the money." The door nudges shut behind the female voice. In that instant, Shizuo finally finds the nerve to turn around.

Tom peers back at him with a toothy grin. "Guess we're lucky she's paying up. Don't think you'd be able to rough up–"

Shizuo takes a few steps toward the door, its tacky old paint almost completely peeled down to the metal. He almost seems to be in a trance, unaware of what Tom seems to be humorously relaying. The whole world is tuned out to him, at least until that door cracks open again.

And then he sees her face – she looks far more weary than he remembers at the wedding. There are dark rings around her eyes, signifying obvious lack of sleep. He also recognizes the lines of worry on her forehead, from all the times she must have furrowed her brows in concern. All the noticeable signs – and he can feel his stomach stirring with a foreboding. He should just leave. Any sane person would. This is one situation where it would be better not to know more, not to dig deeper. But he _has_ to.

"Rin?" Her name sounds hollow coming from his lips. Maybe it is because of his disbelief, and she seems particularly surprised to see him.

Those eyes of hers widen a fraction but the initial shock at seeing him quickly wears off. Then there is an emotion on her face that is unrecognizable to him. "Here's your money. Goodbye." She shoves an envelop against Tom's chest before slamming her door shut. There is a brief, muffled clicking sound that can only be her locking the door.

"Not too good with women?" Tom shoots a questioning glance back at Shizuo before digging through the envelop to count the bills.

Ignoring the sarcastic prodding, Shizuo slowly shuffles to the front of the door and reaches out a hesitant fist to rap against it. The knocking echoes without a response from the other side. So Shizuo tries again. And again.

"We got the payment," the brown-haired man informs from behind Shizuo. He stuffs the envelop in his pocket and starts toward the stairs. "I'll wait for ten." It is unclear whether he understands the situation and wants to give Shizuo space, or he simply does not want to be troubled by whatever the blonde stirs up. Either way, he makes himself scarce quickly.

Then it is only Shizuo and the door that he finds himself staring down. Another knock and no answer. His impatience is rapidly growing, alongside his sense of urgency. And just as he thinks to rip the damn thing off its hinges, he hears a voice from the other side.

"Go away."

He ignores Rin's directive and knocks once more, hoping that she'll finally cave and answer.

"Please... Leave."

Another forceful knock that, unfortunately, leaves the imprint of Shizuo's fist behind. Not that he shows any reservations about continuing. And just as he is readying for another, the door finally cracks open, just enough for the woman on the other side to peek out with one eye.

"Can't you take a hint? Leave before I call the police." The threat would sound more convincing if not for the tremor in her voice.

"Why..." The question trails off, strangled by his confusion.

"Why what?" she challenges him indignantly.

"Why are you..." Again he stops, unsure of how to proceed. Why is she here? Why is she in debt? Why isn't she living in glamour, in the more high-end, industrialized side of town? Why is she answering the door instead of her new husband? And more importantly why – why is he meeting her here of all places?

"Heiwajima, I..." her voice cracks and she pauses to swallow the lump that is undoubtedly forming in the back of her throat. Briefly, her gaze averts to the ground before reluctantly peering back up at him. "I didn't want you to see me like this. Pretend you didn't. Just go."

He wants to. Especially since the phone call he had with Kasuka earlier had relieved his conscience. But now he can feel the guilt weighing down heavily again. Even if he walks away now, Shizuo knows he will see her again. They – he and Tom – will have to come back for another payment. And he will see her again, still wondering, still not knowing. That is not something he can tolerate. So he catches the door with his hand as she tries, once again, to slam it shut in his face.

"Wait."

Rin ignores him, intent on shutting him out. She does not even seem to have any reservations about slamming his hand in the doorframe. But no matter how much she tries, he manages easily to hold it open against her attempts. Until at last, she relinquishes.

"What? What do you want from me?" she snaps at him exasperation, taking a step away from the door. "Do you want to hear that my husband made some bad investments? That we had to take out loans to keep ourselves afloat?" Throughout her bellowing at him, her voice gradually grows hoarse as the tears of frustration start to well-up in her eyes. And while Shizuo is prepared for her to start sobbing, Rin does well to hold herself back, to keep her composure.

"I..." he hesitates, unsure of what to say. Should he apologize?

"I don't want your pity."

Her bitterness catches him a little off-guard.

"You can't help me this time, Heiwajima. So do me a favor and pretend you didn't see it. Remember the me at the wedding and let it end there." Now she won't even look at him.

His mind is racing, trying to figure out what to do. Rin is right, of course, there is nothing that he can do to right this. He barely makes above minimum wage himself and he has no business trying to help someone pay off their debt. Nor does he have the power to convince Tom's superiors to drop the debt. But still, there is a part of him that wants to comfort her somehow.

"When?" he finally blurts in the midst of his own confusion. "How?"

The questions seem to startle her a bit and while she remains defensive, defiantly glowering at him, Rin reluctantly answers. "The debt? We've had it for a while. And I already told you, bad investments."

"How?" Again, he pushes for more despite the fact that she has thus far refused to oblige him. That stench hangs so heavily in the air that he is almost gagging on it, and yet Shizuo has to know. There is something here. An answer that he needs.

"What do you mean how?" she growls back, in an unnaturally foul mood. Shizuo has never seen Rin seethe in anger and frustration as she is now. All he remembers is her smiling, easy-going attitude. Not this. Not even when she called him a monster. This is even more degrading than that. "My husband met with an informant in Shinjuku who had a good grasp on the market and advised him where to buy stock, but the guy was obviously a fraud and it all fell through. We put that money in good faith and–"

His stomach lurches. He can feel the bile rising up through his throat. This is the first time he has ever wanted to vomit. But now he realizes it. That stink that has been lingering since the morning, the stench that gradually grew until it was overwhelmingly pungent. And now it feels as though it has infested his very being.

The flea – it was Izaya after all.

"–over. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get to work soon, so..."

"Yeah." Slowly, Shizuo extracts his hand and the door slams promptly. Mechanically, he turns and starts toward the stairs while limply raising a hand to pat his pockets. Cigarette, cigarette... He really needs some nicotine.

But even a long drag won't quiet the raging thoughts in his head. Nothing can calm his nerves now. Not when his paranoid suspicions have been reinforced. He knew it, of course. Shizuo has always known that Izaya is behind most bad things that happen. But this time – this time seems to be worse than all of those before.

"Hey, Shizu-chan."

The flair of anger that is usually there when he hears that voice is delayed. But it does elicit a reflexive jerking motion just as soon as Shizuo's feet leave the last stair and touch on the ground. His eyes briefly scan the area for anything to rip from the ground and send flying.

Yet despite the obvious danger that a hulking figure like Shizuo imposes, particularly given his reputation, the dark-haired informant merely remains perched atop the large, box-shaped mailbox just a few feet away, twirling his flickblade in his hand.

"You look so crushed. Better than I expected. Do you know how long this took to setup?"

It takes only a split second for Shizuo's hands to form clenched fists as he hurls his entire body at the antagonizing voice. The mailbox immediately crumbles beneath the strength of his charge, while Izaya dexterously leaps out of the way just in time, landing gracefully on the ground just a short distance away.

"Tsk, tsk. Don't be in such a rush. Can't you take a few minutes for words?"

"I... am going to kill you."

"Now, now. No need to be so hasty! Shouldn't you be happy that I reunited the two of you? Ah, is it about the debt? Beautifully orchestrated, wasn't it? She didn't even know it was me." A large grin stretches across his face. "Why do you look so angry, Shizu-chan? It was difficult to put all these mechanics into play at the right time. You should be thanking me."

Everything in Shizuo's vision turns a bleary shade of red as he feels his body lurch forward. He swings his fist forward blindly, managing a strangled cry beforehand. The frustration, the anger, the bitterness – all the emotions well-up overwhelmingly until they spills over in a pit of despair. But Izaya finds it particularly easy to avoid Shizuo when he is raging without any awareness.

"Ah, see. This is why I couldn't make it to the wedding. You just cannot be reasoned with, Shizu-chan. That's why I had to arrange things this way. More poignant, isn't it? Maybe now you can see how much of a monster you are. I wouldn't have bothered with someone like Takemori if not for you."

And that – that last sentence that Izaya delivers – that is what bothers Shizuo the most. The realization that his involvement with Rin is entirely the reason why her life has been so badly disrupted. That he is the cause for her suffering and for his own suffering. She is a flower. He is a monster. And monsters do not have hands that are meant for holding flowers. That is why...

* * *

**Author's Note: **Slow update is slow because I have been sick for three weeks now. :| Hopefully it goes away soon. Lot of angst again but for plot contribution, won't explain why now - you'll see in due time. Thanks for the reviews, by the way!


	20. Collapse

**Chapter 20 ; Collapse**

She awakens to the cacophony of footsteps, of a humming heart monitor, of chatter just outside her door. In her drug-induced stupor, Rin cannot properly process a single thought. Her mind is so high from morphine that she cannot anchor it back down even if she tries. And the moment the nurse comes in to see that Rin has her eyes open, it is another dose of painkillers rushing through her IV. Against her will, Rin feels her eyes droop closed and all of her sensations shut off.

For the rest of the day – or night; she isn't really sure since she cannot keep track of time in her condition – she remains in a state of limbo. The occasional burst of consciousness is brief, succumbing quickly to sleep. And her drug-addled mind cannot even begin to realize the predicament she has found herself in.

True consciousness does not come until a while later. She is not sure how long "a while" really is. A day? Two? Maybe it is only a matter of hours. Either way, when it comes, all Rin can feel is an incredible amount of pain shooting through her body. It is centralized in her lower abdomen and arm.

A blood-curdling scream ripples through her throat as she beckons for more – more morphine to numb the pain. Almost as quickly as it is delivered, she feels it settling into her bloodstream and returning her consciousness to that limbo state. Only then does Rin feels calm again.

Every time she wakes up to pain after that, she badgers the nurse for more painkillers. But it does not take long for her requests to be met with stubborn refusals, at which point the throbbing sensation is beginning to dull down into an annoying tingling.

"How are you feeling this morning?"

Her eyes feel as though they are weighted down by lead. It proves difficult to stay awake, yet Rin knows even if she closes them, there will be no sleep to sweep her away. She has slept enough for a lifetime anyways. And now that she is conscious enough to reflect, she _really_ wants the drugs to knock her out again.

"Not good," the bitter patient finally mumbles back in response.

The young nurse in turn smiles sweetly. Whether it is sincere or not is difficult to ascertain, considering the general morose atmosphere in both the room and the building as a whole. Hospitals are never a happy place. Or perhaps that is just Rin's bias. "Someone has been asking about you."

That information brings a shock of simultaneous excitement and dreadful anticipation. Rin's throat feels particularly parched as she chances a glance over at the woman. "S-someone...?" she stumbles awkwardly with her words, which convey all too obviously how much she is hoping for a _specific_ someone.

"A student from your school, I assume."

The happiness that wells up in Rin's chest is difficult for her to suppress. But she does not want to get her hopes up. "Is that so..."

"He couldn't visit because he's not family and we couldn't get your approval. But maybe if he comes by today, you'd like me to have them send him up?"

This time the words get caught up in the back of Rin's throat – she's hesitating. It seems too good to be true. At least that is what she is telling herself. Shizuo is surely mad. Disappointed. Dumbstruck. Maybe he even feels betrayed. More than likely he feels guilty about it. And that is the last thing that Rin wants. So finally she blurts out an uneasy, "Yeah."

While the conversation ends abruptly there, Rin is left with a warm feeling. Undoubtedly, it is hope... that things have been solved and that no more troubles will beset her. There is not much more time before Shizuo's graduation, and while she fears possible repercussions from Izaya, she also hopes that – somehow – she can eke by unscathed at least for a little while longer. To be sure, she puts her hands together for the first time in a long time and prays. _Please,_ she begs, _just let us have some peace for a little while. Give us a chance._ _Give __**me**__ a chance._

Time has an uncanny way of passing agonizingly slow when she most wants it to speed up. Although that might have to do with her incessant, impatient glances over at the clock on the wall. For most of the day she has her television muted and her attention almost solely glued to the present state of the time. So much for not getting her hopes up...

After a while she begins to doze off, a combination of the remnants of pain killers and sedatives still lingering in her system, albeit at a much lower dose this time. But before she can become completely swept away in sleep, she hears a gentle knock at the door. It stirs her awake and Rin tiredly tries to blink away the exhaustion hanging on her eyelids.

"You have a visitor – should I send him in? Do you feel like seeing him?"

Rin can barely contain her excitement as she gives a jerky nod. "N-no, I'm fine. Send him in." Although she tries to put a lid on her babbling, it's difficult. She feels nervous, anticipatory. The wait only mounts the tension hanging in the air as she fumbles in her mind for the words she wants to say. Should she open with an apology? A casual hello? She really is not sure how she should approach this – and at last she wrestles with the notion that, since Shizuo is coming here to see her himself, it's up to him to guide the conversation. Even though she knows that's nonsense...

Just as she is about to go into another over-indulgent fit of panic and worry, she hears footsteps slowly approaching her room – just outside of her door. Her heart is drumming so quickly that Rin almost thinks it might burst right from her chest. Her eyes linger on the doorframe as her breath gets caught up in the back of her throat.

Then a familiar face peeks around the corner, only it's not the blonde hair and warm, chocolate brown eyes that she has been expecting. No – far worse than that. And she can feel her heart sinking into the pit of her stomach as she swallows with great trepidation.

"Orihara," she croaks tersely, the hoarseness of her voice revealing every measure of emotion threatening to spill over.

That devilish smirk of his is teeming with cruel intentions. "Ah? Were you disappointed? Expecting someone else?" he guesses easily. It is probably obvious enough by how eagerly the nurses have ushered him up here, when he undoubtedly knows how much he is the last person that she wants to see.

"What do you want?" Rin asks wearily. Her face has drained of all manner of emotion, replaced instead by a tiredness. But that belies the gears in her mind, working overtime at the fact that it is Izaya and not Shizuo who has been making repeated visits in hope of seeing her. That concern makes her heart sink even further.

"Straightforward as ever," he commends, but it is said more in mockingly than in praise. "Were you hoping that Shizu-chan would rush up here as your knight in shining armor after he was the one who caused the mess? Tsk, tsk. Such high expectations. He's probably at home sulking at the crime he's committed. Hasn't been to school in days."

That tidbit of information piques her interest noticeably, but Rin tries to downplay her curiosity as though she isn't intrigued by anything that Izaya has to offer. "I'm not interested in your conjecture, Orihara. Please leave."

His brows peak in delight at her exasperated tone. The young man seems to take pleasure in her reactions to him. In fact, strangely enough, he seems to have a renewed interest in her. "I took you for predictable and boring," Izaya tells her flippantly, trailing across the white tiled flooring and over to the seat beside her bed. He eyes it for a moment but seems to have no intention of letting his guard down around her by actually sitting down. Not after the last time that it backfired for him.

"Go away," she snaps at him snarkily.

Again her words go unheeded as he proceeds with his verbose explanation. "You really defied my expectations, Sensei. You set everything up to work like that, didn't you? More cunning than I thought – you planned it out in advance."

Nothing as grandiose as he is trying to portray; as though she has coldly calculated every reaction with precision. That is beyond Rin's interest or ability. It simply comes down her reluctance to see him have his way, and her utter refusal to betray Shizuo even at her own expense. The only thing she has counted on is keeping Shizuo safe. And when it comes down to it, she cannot say whether or not things have been working out in her favor. Although Izaya seems to think otherwise.

Her silence only elates him further. "I did not expect you to up the ante. This game is interesting. But now your turn is past and I'm going to cast my die."

Her stomach lurches at his words. What does he mean by that? Rin's eyes linger on that ominous expression on his face. Much as she wants to bellow at him to get out, it seems too late. Especially when she watches with dreading anticipation as he reaches toward his pocket.

The pictures from before – of her and Shizuo. "Since you diverged from the plan, isn't it only fair if I distribute these across the school?"

"Go ahead," she challenges, contrary to his expectations. "And I will go forward with my report to the police that you are the one who attacked me."

Izaya seems mildly unimpressed by that threat. He smoothly calls out what he believes to be a bluff. "Is that your last resort? I am a little disappointed. The police already have several witnesses who saw the scene from their apartment windows. Shizu-chan's protozoan tendencies will get him in prison with their testimony."

"If you were confident of that, you wouldn't be waving around those pictures. You're the one bluffing now." Despite her usual timidity, Rin sticks it fiercely to Izaya despite the exhaustion riddled across her face. Her weariness does not keep her from pressing on with her originally intended plan. There is a fire behind her eyes, a triumphancy that she has never before held against anyone. Least of all Izaya. Anyone else might have been intimidated by it. "You already know... that I bribed some of the witnesses beforehand."

That wry grin that has been riding his lips does not cease despite Rin's apparent checkmate. Izaya still remains calm and composed as ever. "Oh ya," he remarks as though mildly impressed by her move, "Your work is a little sloppy but not bad, Sensei."

Although it is a little disheartening that he does not seem to be the least bit shaken by her remark, Rin steels herself for what she is going to stay next. She knows she cannot show him a moment of hesitation or weakness, lest he exploit it. "At the very least, I'll topple the group of followers you have been gathering. It'll go on your permanent record and make it difficult for you to transfer, let alone graduate." She sounds more fierce than she feels. In reality, Rin does not have as much confidence as she conveys in her words, but she is willing to go through with it if she has to.

Rather than looking worried, the dark-haired man seems quite intrigued as he strokes his chin in contemplation. "Hm... A predictable threat. But you bring up an interesting proposition, Sensei. I don't send the pictures of you and Shizu-chan... Then you'll tell the truth to the police."

That visibly startles her. "T-the truth?" her face blanches in realization. He is trying to give her an ultimatum? It is obviously not much of a choice. If the pictures are released, she will be fired and it will ruin Shizuo's chances at graduation. But it would give her the opportunity to strike back at Izaya. On the other hand, telling the police the truth – forget graduation, Shizuo would be going to prison for assault. There would be no explaining their way out of it.

"Ha? What's with the hesitation, Sensei? Don't tell me you are actually worried about that protozoan." There is a knowing smirk on Izaya's face. "Or are you worried about your conscience?"

As an idea pops into her mind, Rin takes a sharp inhale. "Not Heiwajima. I won't tell them it was him. But I also won't tell them it was you. So that way-"

"Too boring," he chastizes before she can even finish. "You really want to save Shizu-chan that badly, hm? Let's see how much you're willing to suffer on his behalf then." Izaya seems to be wearing that catlike grin of his, as though he has already placed his checkmate in this chess game. "You can tell the police it was no one. I won't send the picture. In return, you have to break things off with your precious Shizu-chan."

Her heart seizes. _Anything but that._ The thought is a selfish one – as though she is almost more willing to send him to prison than to lose him altogether. But that is silly and Rin knows it. Instantly she admonishes herself. _No, I have to._ "Fine," the word comes out hoarsely as she averts her gaze, feeling defeated. "I'll do that... Then you have to leave him alone and let him graduate."

"Yes, yes, I won't interfere," he chirps back flippantly, waving a dismissive hand. "But there's just one more condition to your break up. It can't be something boring and heartfelt – something more... Theatrical."

"What are you-"

"Ah, yes. That's right. Shizu-chan would never look at you the same if you called him a monster. If you blamed him for this."

"I can't do that!" The refusal is all too telling. Rin is already reluctant to lose Shizuo but to wound him so unceremoniously – it would make _her_ the monster. And that seems to be Izaya's aim. To isolate her further. To make her feel completely alone. "You slimy worm, you have no respect for human dignity! Leave! Go!" Her screams reverberate throughout the empty room, drowning out the faint sound of the droning television in the background.

The student merely chuckles at his teacher's antics, as though amused at her stubbornness. "Alright, Sensei, I'll leave for now. Try not to miss me too much. Ah, and don't forget what happens – we've already agreed. You know what will happen if you don't hold up your end of the bargain." He heads toward the door as he speaks, then briefly turns to give her a quick wave.

Rin reaches for the closest thing – a pillow – and chucks it at his back. He doesn't even need to dodge to avoid her poor aim; he's already out the door by the time the pillow hits the floor behind him. The last thing she sees of Izaya is a sly, knowing smirk.

It is as though he can read her frustration – her desperation. And he knows that he has left her with no options. Either she destroys every ounce of trust Shizuo has put in her, or she sends him to prison. Which is worse? This time, even she does not know.

Rin can feel her seething frustrations drown out every other feeling. A scream tears through her throat as she flings her balled up fists violently at the table beside her. The bottles of medication, the tray of untouched food – it goes sailing across the floor as she knocks everything away.

Through her tears, Rin can barely discern the face of the concerned nurse who comes barreling into the room. Her ears are deaf the words being spoken to her. Everything has gone blank. She sobs without holding back. And so she does not even notice the prick of the needle, nor does she recognize the effects of the tranquilizers since her nerves are already so numb. At least not until she can feel the weight of lead sagging down on her eyelids. Only then does she realize that she is lying flat on her back, staring blearily up at the fading ceiling. By that time, she has only a milisecond to process her situation before the darkness overwhelms her.

—

Time, Rin believes, holds some ironic contempt for her. If only because it forces her to wait when she is most impatient and rushes when she least wants even a second to pass. And yet in the limbo of agony, sitting idly in her bed with only the television with which to keep herself entertained, the news of another visitor should be a relief.

It is not.

"Who...?" the word barely passes through her lips as a gasp. Undoubtedly because the pang she feels in her heart has left her nearly breathless with anticipation. Fear is more like it. Rin is terrified to know that it might be him – that it might be Shizuo.

"A student from your school."

For a moment she doubts despite herself. "The one from before?" There is still a hopeful, desperate strain to her voice. Even though she knows and has weighed her options already. Despite being fully aware of what she must do if the nurse answers–

"Uh, no... This one looks kind of like a deliquent. Bleached hair. He's really tall, though. And his face doesn't look too bad."

It proves difficult to swallow the lump forming at the back of her throat. Rin struggles to force out the words, "I'd like to see him." That does not even describe her longing. And no matter how much she tries to mask it, no doubt it shows clearly on her face – a mixture of relief and dread.

Time seems to stretch on endlessly once the nurse leaves. Rin does not watch the clock but she is sure that it has been an eternity before she hears footsteps approaching. And then passing... Not him. She listens intently to every footstep that passes near her door, coming and going.

Then just as she is beginning to lose any sense of anticipation, she hears the door slowly groan as it folds inward. Startled, she jerks her chin up and her eyes dart toward the direction of the guest. The first thing to pop inside is a bouquet of half-wilted flowers. She is somewhat puzzled at the sight, which makes Shizuo's eventual appearances afterward, holding the dozen of dying roses, a little anticlimactic.

"Heiwajima." Her own voice sounds foreign to her ears.

His eyes do not meet hers; instead his gaze lingers on the ground for some time. The blonde also seems to be acutely aware of the flowers, which he promptly hides behind his back. "Ah, I..." he hesitates unnaturally, as though nervous. It is a reaction that does not fit his usual straightforward nature.

But rather than force him along, Rin remains silent as she watches him. Perhaps it is because she can find no words. There is longing to console him, because she can tell by the expression on his face and his actions that he has suffered perhaps as much as she has.

"Shinra said that I should bring flowers..." At the explanation, he pulls them out and lifts them in her direction, then quickly lowers them as he notices the poor state they are in – as if he has not looked at them since buying them. "They are... old now. I bought them some days ago..."

Judging by their state, probably the first or second day she was in the hospital. Enough time has passed since then with his indecision to leave them a wilting, sad sight to behold. But Rin makes no indication that she is disappointed. Her face is devoid of any expression, which leaves Shizuo fumbling uncharacteristically.

"I'll buy you new ones," he offers suddenly. And as though that is not enough, he turns to leave as though to buy more flowers immediately. Perhaps anything to escape the tense atmosphere in the room.

"You don't have to," Rin calls after him in deadened voice.

Those words stop him dead in his tracks and, reluctantly, he turns back toward her. His gaze remains unstable as he briefly glances up at her before looking at the floor again. His lips tremble and open, then close again. Maybe he wants to say something but he is afraid. Fear – that is not something Rin has ever seen in Shizuo.

The sight rattles her, and when she has so little resolve already, Rin cannot bear to look at him. She jerks her head away suddenly, no doubt alarming Shizuo further.

"...rry... Sorry," he mumbles awkwardly. As if an apology is not enough, she hears a loud thump as he drops to his knees and the flowers collapse on the floor beside him. "Sorry..." He is being completely sincere and she knows it – although she cannot look at his face. Rather than making excuses, rather than trying to explain himself, he comes at her wholeheartedly blaming himself.

It makes her hate Izaya more. The tears are welling up in the ducts of her eyes but she clenches her jaw to hold them back. It takes all of her willpower to keep from sobbing, to keep from spilling the truth to Shizuo and apologizing to him in return. All she can do is sit in silence in the face of his apology.

Then she hears the sound of him standing – picking up the flowers. And only a split second later she recognizes the wilting rose petals, scattering across her lap as he sets the bouquet down on the bed. It reflects his sincerity, his hesitation, and his pain. She knows he is baring himself to her by bridging a gap that his own violence has created. Rin knows how much Shizuo hates himself for it, how much he hates his own strength. How much he does not like fighting.

_And that's why..._

Rin's hand suddenly lifts from the position at her side, moving toward the flowers. She can see Shizuo's earnest expression out of the corner of her eye. He is watching her. In a sudden motion, she grasps the roses in her hand. The thorns dig into the raw flesh of her palm, trickling blood across the white blanket on her lap. The droplets splatter across the front of Shizuo's school jacket as she flings the roses at his chest.

"You think... some flowers will fix my hand?" As if to emphasize, she wags the sling that her other arm is resting in. "I may never be able to paint again like I did!"

He bows his head, willingly taking all of the blame. No doubt the words sting, no doubt that they dig deeper than his own self-contempt has. Hearing it from Rin strikes him where he cannot even strike himself. But even if he steels himself for what else she has to say, Rin knows nothing will prepare him for the words lingering in the back of her throat.

They spill out like venom. "You're... You're a monster!"

Shizuo's face blanches as he registers those words. He lifts his chin and looks at her dead in the eye. Contrary to what she would have expected to see in his expression – shock or disbelief – he hollowly accepts her words without any contest. In his mind, she has merely assured him of something that he already believes to be true.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I apologize - I have been supremely busy with school and continue to be. College life isn't as easy and fun as it sounds, as some of you probably know. :( Along with real life keeping me more preoccupied than normal, it has left little time for updating. I tried to update a few days ago but clicking Doc Manager immediately logged me out. Anyways, I'm working on the next chapter. Hope you guys enjoy and it was worth the wait! Not that it is a particularly uplifting or surprising chapter.


	21. Misery Loves Company

**Chapter 21 ; Misery Loves Company**

In the wake of those spiteful words, the hospital room is quiet. Shizuo stares back at her with a deadened expression. _"You're a monster."_ The phrase seems to echo in their minds. For a moment Rin wonders if he has bought into her act. Naively – optimistically – she hopes that he knows better. Hopes that he calls her out on her lie, even though she knows she cannot risk him finding out.

But when his gaze falls back to the floor and she watches steadily as he takes one deep breath before turning on his heel to leave – that's when Rin knows. Her heart sinks as she recognizes that she has completely fooled him.

Shizuo trudges slowly, dragging his feet across the ground. He reaches out toward the doorframe in order to steady himself. As though he wants to confirm her rejection, he starts to look back at her. In her head, she is silently pleading for him to recognize the regret on her face – to notice the tears already rolling down her cheeks. Yet he pauses and reconsiders. It seems he fears that one glance might reaffirm his fear that the words she has spoken are really the truth. So instead of chancing it, he turns forward and leaves.

Rin listens to his footsteps as she cries quietly. Once they fade into the distance, she falls into gasping sobs, beating her fist against her thigh as though the pain will bring some kind of redemption. She hates herself right now. It is not Izaya that she blames in this moment but herself. Maybe she realizes that, while Izaya Orihara is the catalyst, she is the one making the decision.

The wilted dozen of roses are still lying on the floor – petals scattered across the laminate. Rin leans over the side of her bed, bending down carefully and reaching out her hand to scoop them up. They look even more worse for wear now than before... With the tears still pouring, she presses the bouquet to her chest.

_"Thank you,"_ is what she had wanted to say to him instead of hateful words to push him away. But now it is too late and the time has passed. Rin laments that she will never get the opportunity to apologize or to express her gratitude. Shizuo will never know of her "noble" sacrifice. Perhaps it is better that way, because deep down in her heart, Rin knows this is not what he would have wanted.

—

"Will you be returning to that school to teach?" the nurse asks as Rin starts out the door of her hospital room on her release day.

Her arm is still wrapped in a sling and there is a dull pain in her abdomen with every inhale and exhale. Nonetheless, Rin manages a bleak smile in response to the question. "There isn't much time until graduation. I'll just stay until then." Thinking about returning to the school just further depresses her mood, which has already been exceptionally gloomy since she saw Shizuo.

The woman flashes a grin back. "Seems like a good place. You have a lot of nice students – to come and visit you in the hospital like that. You must be a good teacher." She says that although Rin has not been the most cooperative of patients in the ward.

"No, I'm really not," Rin responds honestly – more to herself than the nurse. "Well, I will take my leave, then. Thank you for caring for me all of this time." Those are just obligatory, insincere statements.

Yet although there is no genuity in them, the nurse continues to wear her smile. "Stay out of trouble! And have confidence in yourself!"

Rin gives a short nod before leaving. Her heels drag against the floor, the dull scraping echoing through the empty hallways. Once she finally makes it outside – past those automated glass doors – Rin finally feels like she can breathe again. The air is fresh and crisp. One sharp inhale and then she picks up the pace again.

A taxi pulls up at her beckon and not long after that, she is off on the short ride back to her apartment. The city passes by her window in blurs as the vehicle maneuvers throughout bustling areas to the more secluded suburbs. The skyscrapers disappear in the background, replaced by the dilapidated buildings that she is familiar with – one of them being her apartment.

"Here," she tells the driver. The car stops abruptly, nearly slinging her against the back of the seat in fron of her. Rin grumbles a little but tips the man nevertheless. She slams the door once she is out, feeling a little disgruntled. But that probably has more to do with her dissatisfaction with her own life more than the driver's crummy brakes.

Mounting the rickety old stairs, she clambers up to the second floor and hovers in front of her door, fishing out the key from her pocket. Thoughts are swirling around in her head like bees to honey – there are far too many and they seem to coalesce into a tangled heap.

When she is inside, she spends time thinking – loitering and reminiscing – and when night falls, she drags out a stash of sake from her cabinets. A couple of drinks is initially all she intends but soon enough she is drowning in alcohol, downing one shot glass after another. _More, more, more_. Without the high concentration of morphine to keep her asleep, she needs something to numb the pain. Even if her kidneys will hate her for it later.

Rin does not really clue into her own inebriation. By all accounts, she figures herself for being fairly sober. But when the bottle is empty, she does not feel inclined to dig out another. The room is already spinning around in her vision. When she tries to get up, she ends up falling flat on her back.

As she stares up at the ceiling, she feels a sort of bubbling in the pit of her stomach. It crawls up her throat and turns into a giggle that starts out slowly before turning into almost maniacal laughter. She chortles as she mumbles almost incomprehensibly to herself, "Won't let him get away with that... Thought he could play me like a puppet..."

It seems to be little more than drunken jibberish, but there is some meaning behind what she is saying... If only because Rin has absolutely no intention of letting Izaya get off without any repercussions for his actions. Such a thought is probably spur of the moment and no doubt impulsive.

Yet Rin seems pretty deadset on it once she has worked it out in her mind. Even as plastered as she is, she manages to crawl to her coffee table and reach for the phone, a wide-spread grin on her face...

When the morning comes and she cracks her eyelids open, amber rays stain her retinas with sun spots that leave her groggy and dizzy. Her hangover, in turn, results in a severe headache and little recollection of the night before.

"Thought I only had a few shots," she groans as she struggles to get up. After passing out on the floor, she feels particularly stiff. It does not help that she has little motivation to actually shower, dress herself, and set off for the school. Considering her current circumstances, that is the last place that she wants to be.

But as an adult, Rin knows she has obligations that she has to fulfil. So despite her reservations, she steps into the bathroom, under the steaming hot spray of water, and that is where her day truly begins. Her mind seems to phase out as she moves mechanically. Rin does not really recognize where she is or what she is doing until she is fully dressed and stalking up the front steps of the school.

Despite her morose mood, the students clamoring around her seem in good enough spirits. They murmur amongst themselves but the gossip is not about her. A few days has no doubt been enough to bring about new rumors to preoccupy themselves with.

The art room feels somewhat foreign to her after being gone for so long. Even though "so long" has really only been a week. She settles down at her desk and takes a look around the classroom. Familiarity begins to sink in as she remembers all the time she has spent here and how it will soon be coming to an end.

Just as she has lost Shizuo, lost her fiancee – she will lose this soon, too. The tighter she tries to grip something, the more easily it seems to slip right through the cracks of her fingers. Frustrated, she seethes to herself.

But she has little time to begrudge the position she is in. Students are already pouring in for the first period and among them is the very person responsible for her making her life hell. Rin tries not to dwell on that, however. Better to savor what little she has left.

So she forces an insincere smile and claps her hands together to get everyone's attention. "Alright, today we are going to..." And so normality resumes, despite her loss of a certain blonde. While she is immersed in the job, making rounds to comment on her students' progress on their projects, she barely thinks about Shizuo. While his absence is notable, it does not really hit her until the lunch bell rings and all of teenagers charge from their seats to the doors.

In the end, Rin is left alone to the meager lunch that she has prepared. She dejectedly scoops a few spoonfuls of rice into her mouth, suspecting that an unwanted visitor might come knocking at the door any time. Yet the hour passes without a sign of Izaya Orihara. Surprisingly uneventful considering what she has become accustomed to.

_I wonder if Shizuo came to school today..._. More than being concerned for his attendance, she is more interested in where he is, what he is doing, how he is feeling. The curiosity brings her a wistful sigh as the warning bell rings – lunch is almost over and she still has half a bento left. Yet her stomach is twisting into tight enough knots that she feels she might vomit up what little she already has consumed.

After a boring lunch hour, class resumes. Rin fully expects the rest of the day to be _normal. _Yet in the middle of lecturing a tardy student, a voice booms over the loudspeaker. "Takemori-san, please come to the office."

It is out of the blue but nothing that sends Rin into panic mode. Despite the evident bewilderment on her face, she puts one of the more responsible of her students in charge while she takes a brief leave. As she closes the classroom door behind her, she hears the room erupt into whispers.

_This is a little strange,_ she acknowledges, although Rin suspects it has something to do with the accident she was involved in. Maybe they want to inquire about it again? Her curiosity is satiated once she arrives, but what meets her comes as a complete shock.

As soon as she enters the office, one of the teachers approaches her with a fierce expression. "It's not true, is it?" The woman asks in an almost vicious snarl.

Shocked at her behavior, Rin quickly blurts out, "What are you talking about?"

"Have you been having involved illicitly with some of the students at this school?" Another teacher asks straightforwardly. The accusation seems to come out of nowhere and leaves Rin further astounded. Her first thought is that they must be talking about Shizuo, but no – they are speaking plurally. Multiple students?

The surprise clearly shows on her face. "I'm not sure what you're–"

Something smacks her square in the face and it takes a moment for her to realize it is an envelope full of photos, which has now landed on the ground and spilled out. Her eyes lower and in a moment she recognizes the images. A shiver runs down her spine as she feels the perspiration trickle down her brow. "How did..." Her sentence is cut short as she kneels down to pick up one of the pictures. Her hand trembles as she grasps it.

"It's true, isn't it? You have been having sex with the students!"

Photos of when she was assaulted in her classroom – when Shizuo had saved her. Except that the pictures take the situation out of context, painting her as a harlot and seductress instead of a victim. The fact that she never reported the attack further compounds it. Coming clean now will be difficult because she was never upfront in the first place.

"I can explain–"

"What is there to explain?"

"It's not what it looks like," Rin tries to protest, her voice growing hoarse.

How did they get ahold of these pictures? Izaya had specifically promised that he would destroy and not send any of these as long as she held up her end of the deal. And she had not broken a single one of his stipulations–

"Do you know what you have done to this school's image?"

There is little time to debate the semantics of what she could have done to set this into motion. Nor does there seem to be much that she can do in the face of her colleagues' accusations. The expressions on all of their faces make it quite clear that they won't believe her even if she tries to explain herself. And why should they? It looks bad – she knows it. If she were in their person, perhaps she would jump to conclusions as well.

And although she can try to explain away the details, the damage has already been done. The repercussions will hit her regardless – because while she might be innocent legally, it does not change how people around the school will look at her. Even so...

"I didn't do anything wrong!" she exclaims in frustration. "Just give me a moment to explain–"

"You must have really thick skin, Rin Takemori. To think you could say such a thing in this situation. What can you say for yourself to remedy this situation? In what circumstances would it even be remotely acceptable for you to be in this kind of position with your students?"

The realization that she will not be able to talk sense into them sinks in. Rin lowers her head in defeat, struggling desperately to make sense of the situation. The picture in her hand crumbles into her fist. _Izaya Orihara._

—

"...didn't go to school?"

The question garners Shizuo's attention as he languidly gazes up at his brother. He has been sitting at the table for some time, a cigarette protruding from the edge of his mouth. By now it is almost down to the butt again. The box lying beside his elbow is already empty. This is already his last... A whole box in a day.

Despite not receiving a response, Kasuka seems to understand what is going through his brother's mind. "Go tomorrow," he tells his older sibling, as though such a command will be enough to motivate Shizuo to return to that hell hole. Especially after hearing–

_"You're a monster."_

The word sinks into his psyche and spreads like a disease. Shizuo grits his teeth, grinding the cigarette butt in his mind until it's crooked and useless. Then he puts it out on the dish in front of him – already full of similar stubs.

"I can't."

"Graduation."

His brows twitch at the very mention of it. How many times did Rin nag him, claiming that – at the very least – he had to graduate? Now that is the last thing he wants to hear. It will just cause him to reminisce, to anguish and lament. After all, it is his own fault that things have become like this.

Rather than go to school and risk having to face the two people he least wants to see, Shizuo would rather loiter at home. But even that is miserable, leaving him to his own torturous thoughts. This is one of the few times he almost thinks it would be nice to run into a fight, to let his anger erupt and release all the stress building up. Yet such thoughts just further prove what kind of monster he is.

Kasuka can recognize that his brother has gotten into a rut, and for the first time, it seems like he does not know how to comfort Shizuo. So he just takes a seat at the table, placing a glass of milk in front of his older sibling. "Drink."

Shizuo downs it all in a single gulp. The dairy seems to do more than the nicotine was able to and he can feel his nerves calm a little. Enough that he can feel a little at ease. In the open window behind him, the sun is setting already – on another day that he has chosen to skip. Only a few more and he will be forced to repeat the year.

"Is it that sensei?" Kasuka finally asks, having not received any confirmation this entire time from Shizuo. He can only assume that Rin is the reason for his older brother's sulking.

"Kasuka, I'm a monster."

Such a straightforward statement even raises Kasuka's eyebrows. Despite his usually solemn, monotone expression, he feels a little surprised to hear Shizuo say something like that so blatantly. And while he could refute such a claim with evidence of all of the good things that his brother has done, Kasuka just sits there silently.

"I can't... protect anyone." Shizuo confesses the root of the problem, his own insecurity. _It has happened again,_ he tells himself. The second time that he has tried to protect someone but only caused them harm in return. All because of his unbridled, uncontrollable strength. What a curse. Hands like these – they can never do any good for anyone.

"Don't protect then."

Such a statement rouses Shizuo out of his self-depreciating stupor as he looks to his younger brother, bewildered and further depressed.

"Your hands," Kasuka begins to say, briefly glancing down at them – as though he is not just speaking metaphorically, "Can heal people, too."

Such reassurance comes out of nowhere. Maybe it is a little corny – obvious, unhelpful... But it is also sincere and unexpected, which makes it enough to bring Shizuo to a bit of resolution. Maybe – maybe he is giving up too easily.

"Go to school tomorrow."

This time, Shizuo gives a steady nod. "Yeah."

In this way, the day ends a little better than it began. When it is time to go to sleep, Shizuo feels his eyelids sag shut without his mind clouding with worries. It allows him to rest easy, well until morning when he rouses to the sound of the alarm clock beside his bed.

Despite feeling a bit groggy and reluctant, he showers and dresses. Then Shizuo shares a brief, less-than-hearty breakfast with Kasuka. Afterwards, the two bid each other goodbye before setting off in opposite directions.

The entire way to the front gates of the school, Shizuo can feel sweat lining his brow as his mind races. He looks gloomier than usual as he joins the crowd of students pouring in. Among the noisy chattering, he catches Rin's name a few times, although the voices meld together too much for him to understand what all the commotion is about.

He lazily makes his way toward homeroom. Despite his worries, he finds his gaze wandering – searching for a certain brown-haired figure – but he never spots her. For better or for worse, he does not run into Rin. In his head, he debates trying to search her out at lunch. Maybe it is because he wants to try apologizing again. At his brother's suggestion, he thinks that maybe he should try one more time.

_"You're a monster."_

The echo of her voice resounds in the empty chambers of his mind. He tries to shunt such evil thoughts from his mind but it is a futile effort. Shizuo sulks all the way to his chair, tuning out the world until he catches wind of Rin's name being spoken by the girl who takes a seat in front of him.

"Yeah, who woulda thought, huh? Wasn't she the one sending people to detention all the time? To think she was involved with students like that."

His brow twitches. _Involved with students?_

"Who are you talking about? That art teacher?" asks another girl who takes a nearby seat.

"Mm. Didn't you hear? Apparently someone took pictures and sent to the–"

Before the girl can finish her sentence, Shizuo suddenly stands up. The screeching of his chair interrupts the girls' conversation and further gains the attention of the other students in the classroom. Perhaps it is because of his infamous reputation as a deliquent that everyone takes notice as he shuffles out the back door of the room.

His mind is racing as he stands in the hallway, dumbfounded. _What are they talking about?_ His mind reels. Obviously they are not talking about him. Rin's involvement with what students? What are they talking about? It takes a moment for him to realizes what "pictures" those girls were talking about.

Immediately, Shizuo heads toward the office. Someone – he has to talk to someone and find out what is going on. But despite the menacing looks that he gives the teacher there, the woman refuses to disclose any information, saying that rumors spread fast and that Shizuo should pay them little heed.

"Anyways, Takemori-san resigned on her own so there is no need for you to be concerned–"

"Resigned?" he echoes.

Annoyed at his bothersome presence, the teacher gives a firm nod. "Yes, that's what I said. She already resigned. So there's no reason for you to– oi! Heiwajima-san!"

Without missing a beat, he turns on his heel and charges out the door in a full force sprint. There is no way those were "just" rumors and he knows it. And this cannot be a coincidence, he is convinced. Perhaps the reason why she lashed out at him also has to do with this. Is it Izaya? No – it has to be. Shizuo is convinced.

To confirm his suspicions, he abandons any thought of attending class and heads straight out the front doors. He runs with all the strength his legs have to carry him and even then it does not seem as though he is moving nearly as fast as he wants to.

By the time he reaches the steps leading up to her apartment door, he is winded and completely out of breath. He pauses briefly to take a gulp of oxygen before taking two steps at a time just to reach the top as quickly as possible. But when he reaches her door, fist lingering inches away from being able to knock, Shizuo hesitates.

_"You're a monster."_

The sound of her voice is still fresh in his mind and it makes his blood run cold. Maybe – maybe it is pointless to try. Negative thoughts bog him down completely until he eventually lowers his fist. He has himself fully convinced that nothing good can come from him being here.

"Hey, you."

He jolts, noticing the presence of someone immediately beside him. It is a somewhat burly, elderly woman with a perm and thickly-rimmed glasses. Shizuo can only assume her to be a neighbor.

"Are you here looking for the previous tenant of this room?" the woman inquires somewhat brusquely.

Shizuo, in turn, gives a slight nod, "Aa."

"Well, you're wasting your time. She already demanded her deposit back yesterday, packed her things and headed back to Hokkaido – or wherever her family is from. Penny-pinching, uptight clod. You aren't one of those students she was messing around with, too, are you? Come to think of it, I saw you–"

He ignores her endless tirade, trying to sort out this new information. Gone? Already? "She really... left?" The question is asked in disbelief, more to himself, but the landlady obliges him an answer.

"The door is unlocked if you want to see for yourself. Go ahead."

As though the possibility that she might be gone entirely has not registered in his mind, Shizuo reaches for the door knob. Again he pauses, if only because he is sure that the moment he opens it, Rin will come flying at him out of nowhere, chiding him for such impolite behavior. But when he twists it and it creaks open without any resistance, there is nothing but an empty doorway to greet him.

Swallowing back his reservations, he takes a step inside but freezes before he can get past the entryway. All of the furniture – the trinkets and nicknacks that he helped her setup – they are all gone. It is just an empty apartment, devoid of any of the warmth that he had grown accustomed to whenever he visited.

"Sorry, kid. Must be hard for you. But she was playing around with other students, too. Must be painful to be abandoned so suddenly like this, but how could she even show her face after something like that?" The woman clicked her tongue in dismay.

Initially he thinks to leave without perusing the apartment any further, but something catches his eye before he can turn and exit. There, in the middle of the floor by the kitchen, he sees a picture frame lying face down. It seems like a strange thing to have been left behind.

Curiosity gets the better of him and he tentatively takes off his shoes and heads in, shuffling all the way until his figure hovers over the upside-down object. Shizuo kneels and gingerly takes it in his hands, flipping it over. He expects that maybe Rin has left behind some photograph of her family, or maybe a picture of her and her fiancee.

But no... Although the glass is cracked in the middle, he can clearly see that the two people in this photograph are the two of them. _When was this taken?_ That should be the puzzling question, but moreover – why... Why is this the only thing she left behind?

But Shizuo already knows without asking. Leaving Ikebukuro so suddenly, she has not just abandoned him. Rin has abandoned their memories, too. He grasps the frame tightly between his hands as he settles on that thought. The thought that, maybe he was never as important to her as he had hoped – that maybe calling him a monster _was_ her being honest.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Woohoo! Two updates in a month. I am a little surprised I managed to do this, considering how busy I have been. Spring break didn't bring much reprieve. Off to work on my essays now! Hope you guys enjoyed, not too many chapters left until the story will be finished. :) ~ Lystrious


	22. Turn Back Time

**Chapter 22 ; Turn Back Time**

Regret – where did it all begin? How did it all go downhill so quickly? His first thought is that it must have begun that day when she poured the cold water over him, before he could pummel the student in his grasp. Rin had been the one to interrupt him then, the one to save him in the long run – to quell his anger when he could not. But it had backfired. In a chain reaction, Rin had lost everything and Shizuo blamed himself for it entirely. Seven years have since passed and still she is in a rut because of her involvement with him.

A small sigh slips past his lips as he lies sprawled out across his bed. The sun set some time ago but he has yet to feel the least bit tired. His mind is racing with thoughts of what happened earlier – with Rin, with Izaya.

He wishes he could turn back the clock, to break the chain of coincidences that tied them together in the first place. The relationship they had – sweet for how short it was – ended up being destructive for the both of them. Shizuo wishes he could undo that fate. But he knows better than that. Even if he had tried to avoid it, he would have loved her anyway.

Now he can only despair at his inability to do anything for her. She is supposed to be happily married but instead she is drowning in debt, and Shizuo does not have the means to try and pull her out. What _can_ he do?

The blonde grits his teeth and closes his eyes. If only sleep would come quickly, because it is the only reprieve from his own tormenting thoughts. It is all he can do to lament on the situation, helpless to change anything. For all of his misfortune, he wishes he had just one opportunity to change things. To have changed things back before it was too late.

The clock chimes in the background. It is already midnight. Shizuo's ears are deafened to the sound; he is unaware of the time and does not pay much heed to the fact that he has less than eight hours before he needs to be awake and headed off to work with Tom.

Reaching over lazily, he flips off the light on his bedside table. The night is a restless one, with him tossing and turning, dwelling heavily on the past. In his mind he pleads with the powers that be – whether he has ever put much faith in them or not – _please_. If he has ever needed a miracle in his life, the time is now. His eyelids, heavy with exhaustion, eventually flutter shut as sleep sweeps him away. There is an odd sensation that overwhelms him in that moment, like a weightlessness that is at once unsettling and somehow soothing.

—

Rather than waking to the sound of a blaring alarm clock, Shizuo wakes to the sunlight peering in through his curtains. The brightness is so glaring that he is momentarily blinded. Something immediately feels off, though he cannot put his finger on it. When finally his vision has adjusted enough, he lowers his hand away from his face and groans in discontent.

Why did his alarm not wake him earlier? Obviously it is late enough that he should be going to work.

Still feeling a little groggy, he unsteadily climbs out of his bed and heads for the door. Only the door seems to have misplaced itself because he runs straight into the wall. That sends him stumbling back, sobered from the impact.

At this point he begins to wonder if he is dreaming because the room he is standing in is certainly not the one he is accustomed to. But there is lingering familiarity to it and he locates the door quickly, bolting out of it.

The moment he leaves, he finds himself staring out at the kitchen of his old home. Kasuka is sitting at the table, eating bite after bite of a bowl of cereal. Shizuo knows that it has to be a dream at this point. It must be because he wanted to go back in time so badly... How ironic that his mind has conjured up something so cruel that feels so realistic.

After all, he recognizes his younger brother's middle school uniform. This is a clear indication that his dream has sent him back to exactly the period he has wished for. How cruel he is to himself to imagine such a thing.

"Hungry?" Kasuka asks casually, having noticed his brother standing in the hallway. Those eyes of his look unusually tired and there is a tinge of sympathy in his voice, as though he understands Shizuo's inner struggle.

That is impossible, however, because regardless of the turmoil evident on Shizuo's face, this is still all just a dream. He settles down at the table across from his younger sibling without speaking a word. There is a quiet growl in the pit of his stomach that acknowledges Kasuka's question, but even Shizuo is not sure how such a thing is possible. _Feeling hunger in a dream?_

Rather than converse with his older sibling, Kasuka excuses himself quietly and heads to the kitchen, When he returns, it is with a full bowl of cereal that he sets in front of Shizuo before returning to his seat. The two proceed to eat quietly, though Shizuo is puzzled at how realistic this dream seems – that he is even able to feel satiated by imaginary food.

"Going to school?"

The question catches him by surprise a bit, because Shizuo is sure he will be waking up soon. Unless his mind is so cruel to keep him trapped even longer. He curses his inability to force himself awake. "Aa, yeah," the answer comes almost automatically without Shizuo even realizing it.

This earns a gentle nod from the black-haired boy as he finishes the last of his breakfast. He makes a brief motion at the clock, as if to remind Shizuo that it is getting late, and then he gives a wave before setting off. The front door nudges shut with a gentle click at his departure.

Shizuo eats about half of his bowl before stopping. He suddenly does not feel hungry anymore. Since this is a dream, he already knows that he has no obligation to "go to school," yet he somehow feels that he should. Perhaps it is because he is hoping that he can see Rin when he gets there.

It does not take long to shower and dress, but by the time he does, it is almost time for the first bell and he finds himself in a full force sprint trying to get there in time. On his wrist is the watch that Rin gifted to him. Here in his dream it is in perfect condition, void of the crack that it has now – seven years later.

When he enters the building, it is to the murmuring of many students. Rumors are floating about and they carry Rin's name – reminiscent of the day she disappeared from the school. The familiarity of the situation sends his heart sinking into the pit of his stomach. Is he just rehashing that day? Reliving the fact that she abandoned him?

Except this time, Shizuo knows the truth. He is not as weighed down by her words. _"You're a monster."_ That is not how she really felt – Shizuo knows that now, even if he is not fully convinced that those words are untrue. Regardless, they do not stifle him as they once did.

His feet seem to have a mind of their own. Instead of heading to his own classroom, Shizuo beelines for the art room. He is out of breath by the time he reaches the door, just as the first bell is ringing. Missing the first period does not weigh down on his conscience at all. He opens the sliding door to the art room with full force, somewhat surprised to see a male teacher instructing the class instead of Rin. Shizuo's abrupt entrance draws the gazes of all the students, although Izaya is conspicuously absent.

"Where is Takemori-sensei?" Shizuo asks boldly.

The teacher appears to be mildly surprised until the question is asked, at which time he smiles politely. "Ah, Takemori-san resigned earlier this week and–"

That is all Shizuo needs to hear. He slams the door shut and traipses toward the office. It seems as though he has nearly forgotten that all of this is supposed to be a dream. Even if it is, he wants to do something different – to do what he never did the first time.

"I need to contact Takemori-sensei."

The teacher that he addresses is a rather elderly, burly man that has had much experience with Shizuo and the other delinquents – having seen them many times in detention. Perhaps as a result, he has built up a bit of immunity such demands. The man does not even seem to take into account that Shizuo could easily chuck him right out the window. "No," he says simply with a frown. "I cannot give out private information of former employees."

A few women sitting in their own cubicles a short distance away erupt into murmurs, wondering if Shizuo was one of the ones that Rin was involved with. They begin postulating as much, loud enough that Shizuo can hear them.

"Takemori-sensei is innocent," he barks at them impatiently, glaring fiercely back at the teacher who refuses to bend to his request.

"Even if that is the case, it does not change the fact that I cannot disclose such information. Heiwajima-san, you need to return to class promptly, lest I see you in detention this evening."

"No," the blonde responds stubbornly. It remains unspoken that the only reason he ever went to detention to begin with was because of Rin's influence, but perhaps both men already understand this.

The gossiping females excuse themselves, feeling a bit indignant about being snapped at so harshly. In their absence, the teacher seems to relax visibly since the office is relatively empty. His voice drops into a whisper. "We don't have any current information on Takemori-san since she apparently left Ikebukuro, only the number of one of her emergency contacts."

Shizuo quickly tries to feel his pockets – both pant pockets and chest pocket – for some kind of writing utensil but it is a futile effort. Finally he spots one on a nearby desk and snatches it up, setting the ball point to the palm of his hand.

The teacher quietly reads off the number, whether out of sympathy or just because he wants to be rid of Shizuo. No doubt it is breaking school rules to disclose such information but perhaps he has his own reasons for doing such.

Once he has finished writing it down, Shizuo leaves without so much as an uttered "thank you." He rushes to the nearest pay phone outside of the school, fumbling with what little change he has in his bag. Hastily, he dials the number and waits expectantly while listening to the steady tone ringing on the other end.

Finally someone picks up. It is the soft, sopranic voice of a female, "Hello?"

"Ah," Shizuo responds awkwardly, suddenly unsure of what to say. Perhaps he was in too much of a rush that he did not even think through what he was doing. "I'm trying to contact Takemori. Rin Takemori."

"Who are you?"

"I..." He hesitates. How should he respond? If he says that he is a student, will the woman tell him what he wants to know? Obviously he cannot disclose the relationship between himself and Rin.

"Are you from the school?"

To that question, he answers instinctively, "No." Even though it is not entirely true, he is not making the call as a student trying to contact a teacher. "She suddenly disappeared."

"Oh, you must be one of her friends from Ikebukuro," the other voice surmises cheerfully. "She's been holed up in the guest room here. Hasn't hardly said a word since she got here. I don't think she wants to take any phone calls."

The fact that she is there – wherever "there" is – sends Shizuo's heart racing. "Where?" he asks impatiently. There is an urgency in his voice. Perhaps because he thinks that, no matter where Rin is, he is willing to go there if it has any potential of changing things. No, even if nothing changes...

"Ah, that's right. She didn't tell you. I don't know if I should..." The woman on the other end hesitates at the thought that Rin might not want any visitors. "But if you can help her somehow, then that would be good." Although still a bit reluctant, the woman gives Shizuo the address, which happens to be in Kyoto, not Hokkaido as the landlady at Rin's apartment had assumed.

While he does not have much pocket money, nor a solid plan of what he will do once he gets there, Shizuo heads directly for the station. It will take a little more than two hours to get there. He feels a little impatient, wondering if he will wake from this dream before he even arrives in Kyoto. Shizuo ends up feeling antsy the whole ride, anxious for it to be over. Yet at the same time he feels knots of dread churning in his stomach, wondering how he will address Rin.

More than anything, he wishes that this is what he would have done in the past. To have gone after her, even if it meant being rejected a second time – then perhaps he would have regretted less. For Rin who thought she had to carry everything on her shoulders because she was in a position of authority, because she was older – Shizuo wishes he could have alleviated her burden then. Now only in his sleep can he reminisce and pretend. He knows when he wakes up, nothing will have changed, even if he does all of this.

Since he is so distracted by his thoughts, he barely hears the last call for his stop. Shizuo barely manages to dart out of the doors before they close and the train speeds off again. His feet drag a little as leaves the station in Kyoto, surrounded by crowds of strangers that give him curious glances. Perhaps it is the blonde hair, combined with his exceptional height and glaring eyes that set him apart from the other people.

Shizuo ignores whatever attention he is drawing and takes out a note from his pocket, where he wrote the address. The woman on the phone – perhaps Rin's mother or sister – gave him some vague directions but he does not have much confidence in finding the place by himself. So while he figures out the general direction, it proves difficult to locate. Eventually he finds he has no other option but to ask someone for directions.

The person he asks ends up being an old man with a cane and similar glaring eyes. He grumbles under his breath about how high school kids should stay in school and not be wandering the streets but nevertheless points Shizuo in the right direction.

When he finally arrives, Shizuo unexpectedly finds himself standing in front of a traditional restaurant. He pauses before entering, wondering if this is the right address after all. But he has little other choice than to investigate, anyways. Feeling a bit unsure, he unsteadily grasps the handle of the door and slides it open. The entryway is a bit low and so he has to duck in order to get inside without smacking his head.

Almost the moment he enters, the form of a rather wispy but upbeat woman approaches him. She appears to be in her forties and wears an easygoing smile as she address him. "Welcome, sir. Shall I seat you?" She bows slightly at the waist as she speaks.

Shizuo recognizes the voice, however, and gives a stiff shake of the head. "Takemori," he mutters, "I'm here to see Rin."

There is a look of realization on her face. "Oh, you're the young man I spoke with on the phone. I didn't know that you were a student." Her features cloud in concern as she eyes the school uniform that Shizuo is wearing – alongside the bleached hair and his general delinquent demeanor. She probably wonders if it's even safe to be welcoming him into the restaurant.

While he half-expects her to send him away, she takes off her apron and motions for him to follow. "Nami-chan, cover for me," she tells a younger woman as she leads Shizuo to the back. They come to a flight of stairs which the older woman mounts, Shizuo following close behind her.

Eventually they come to a room that appears to be completely dark inside, contrary to the well-lit hallway that Shizuo finds himself standing in. The woman places a few loud knocks on the threshold and calls out, "Rin-chan? Someone came here to see you."

"No visitors," a hoarse voice croaks back. Shizuo almost does not recognize it as Rin's.

"That's troublesome, they came all the way from Tokyo just to see you. You can't clean yourself up and meet with them for a little bit at least?"

This time the question is met with silence. Shizuo thinks that Rin must be ignoring them, but then suddenly the door starts to slide open. He is mildly shocked to see what pops out – it's definitely Rin, but she has dark circles beneath her swollen eyes and her hair is completely disheveled. She looks a little different without any makeup, too.

More than that, she seems completely flabbergasted when she sees Shizuo. "H-Heiwajima?" she squeaks shrilly in disbelief. Obviously she does not believe her own eyes, because she rubs them fiercely, blinking several times before looking at him again.

"He called me a little bit ago and wanted to visit you. I have to return to work, so enjoy your visit." The woman smiles gently, takes a bow and excuses herself.

Rather than try an exchange of words, Shizuo just stares back at Rin. To see what she has been reduced to leaves him feeling a little guilty, even if he knows that he is not to blame. Well, that's not entirely true – more so he chooses that no one should have blame in any of this. Perhaps it can be attributed to bad luck. Either way, he knows that neither he nor Rin deserve the future that awaits them and he wishes to set things right. Even if, when he opens his eyes, it will all disappear and be a faded remnant in his mind.

"What are you doing here?" Rin asks finally, sighing as she lowers her gaze to the floor. The expression on her face is unclear as to whether she is happy to see him or if she is filled with guilt, recalling the cruel words that she said.

"To see you."

Of course he would answer the question so blatantly. Rin smiles bitterly. "You should go back. Students shouldn't be skipping class."

"Those pictures..."

Rin flinches visibly at the mention. "That's not something you should concern yourself with. It's just a prank one of the students pulled. I won't be able to return to school but there's no evidence for legal action. All of the students denied having any relationship with me. Even still, the damage has been done already."

"It was Izaya," Shizuo states knowingly. Although he wants to know why. If Rin had already met Izaya's demands by cutting off her relationship with Shizuo, what reason did Izaya have to send those pictures? It seemed almost uncanny for someone as calculating as Izaya to not use those pictures as further leverage.

The brown-haired woman does not seem particularly surprised that Shizuo has guessed the culprit. "You should be more concerned about graduating. If you want to have a good job in the future, you need to finish high school. Besides, you're so close – don't mess up your attendance with trivial concerns."

"It's not trivial," Shizuo argues back, fingers curling into fists at his sides. He is not angry with Rin but at the situation – at Izaya who has orchestrated this entire mess. "Izaya-"

"He won't be bothering you." This time, Rin actually looks him square in the eyes. There is a slight smile on her face, as though she holds some pride from that statement. "Don't worry. He won't get in the way of you graduating. Go back to Ikebukuro."

"No." Shizuo struggles with the words that he wants to say, because he knows that Rin will be stubborn in trying to turn him away. How can he convince her? "You lied."

That accusation startles her. "What?"

"You don't think I'm a monster." That statement is not said with confidence, although Shizuo tries to present it as such. Even now he feels a little shaken by those words that she spoke. But now he dares her to either affirm or deny them. If she really loves him as she claims then she will not be able to spit out such harsh words again.

Rin gulps and averts her eyes. "Did you come here just to say that?"

"No."

"Then what do you–"

Slowly, Shizuo lowers himself to his knees and bows toward her, apologetically. "Sorry... I am... sorry." The words struggle to come out, if only because he is not accustomed to ever saying them. But he is sincere. While the apology may feel a bit subdued and restrained, it's his way of pleading for forgiveness from her.

Rin outstretches a hand and ruffles his hair. "You don't have anything to apologize for, Heiwajima. You're right; you aren't a monster, you're a good kid." The word kid – trying to push him away again. "I was the one that made some bad decisions. I'm sorry if you've had to suffer for them."

He glances up and gazes in her eyes steadily, questioningly.

"I'm the one who messed it up," she admits. "Since I got greedy and wanted revenge, this is the consequence for my malice."

_Revenge? Malice?_ That leaves him utterly confused. Those two words do not seem to match Rin in the least. What is she talking about?

"Now Izaya is the one who has to be concerned on whether or not he'll be graduating. You should take this opportunity, though. He won't be bothering you in school." As though she intends this to be the end of their conversation, Rin lifts her hands away and turns as though to go back into her room.

Shizuo manages to catch her by the wrist and promptly stands up. "Wait. Can we go back?" The question sounds a little odd, he realizes, so he clarifies. "Back... to how things used to be."

In a surprising move, she turns toward him and approaches. The few inches between them close in rapidly as she lifts to her toes and plants a kiss squarely on his lips. It leaves Shizuo reeling in turn, unable to do anything as she says, "I love you, Heiwajima. I really love you. So please... don't make it harder. Go back to Ikebukuro. Go graduate."

Again, just as he is beginning to think that things have changed and that they are making progress, Rin makes it clear that they are just regressing further. Shizuo despairs if only because he cannot understand why his actions have seemingly changed nothing between them. Rin is still sending him away, still ending things. What is he supposed to–

"Go back," Rin reiterates to him, peeking out from the small crack of her half-closed door. "I want to see you graduate, Heiwajima. And don't worry about me... This time I'll wait for you."

Those words shock him back into consciousness, booting him from his dream and back into reality. Shizuo shoots upright with a start, panting heavily and clutching at his chest. Perspiration is pouring down the length of his forehead as he frantically looks around – longing for it to have been reality instead of a dream. But he finds himself sitting in the dim morning light, in the same apartment he has always been in.

Yet while it seems nothing has changed, Shizuo gets the distinct feeling that _something _has.

* * *

**Author's Note:** This chapter was actually a lot of fun to write because it was much happier and finally brought together some answers and resolved some of the conflict. But is it a dream or not a dream? Hopefully you guys enjoyed as it's coming to a close. I have learned so much from this story - it certainly had its faults. But I have really enjoyed the progress and development. (And no, this isn't the last chapter! I am just reminiscing already.)

-Lystrious


	23. No More Could Have Beens

**Chapter 23 ; No More Could Have Beens**

Teriyaki beef or shrimp flavor? It seems like he has come across this question some time before, kneeling down in the middle of the convenience store aisle and inwardly debating in his head. This should not be a complicated decision but something makes him hesitate. There is a strange sense of deja vu that leaves him feeling a little disconcerted. His head has been a bit foggy ever since that strange dream he had a couple of nights ago – the one about Rin.

Nothing has felt the same since then, although he cannot quite put his finger on what exactly has changed. It feels like everything was a nightmare to begin with. Maybe he dreamed the whole conflict. His mind is too clouded for him to properly discern reality from the fiction conjured up by his mind.

"Excuse me," a woman's voice interjects from beside him. Apparently she wants some of the ramen packages that he is sitting in front of. Shizuo does not catch a glimpse of her face, only the blurred motion of her finger jabbing in the general direction of what she is wanting to get.

"Ah," he blurts out in realization as he stands up to move out of the way. But something feels distinctly familiar about this situation.

"Shizuo?"

The sound of his own name prompts his eyes to blink rapidly. It takes a moment for him to realize the woman now crouched down in front of him is none other than Rin. Sure enough, he recognizes those green irises. But what leaves him feeling a little off is the fact that her cheeks are full – she is not the thin, willowy figure he had barely recognized the last time he was in this position.

Wait – that's right. This happened before. Only last time...

His eyes widen with realization as her name spills past his lips, "Rin... Why are you...?"

A smile hikes up on her lips, like a goofy grin that he has not seen since his high school years. "I recognized you almost immediately. You haven't changed much – but you sure have gotten taller. Ah, now I feel short..." Sheepishly, she pokes her tongue out at him, in an almost playful and immature way that leaves him reeling.

Is he dreaming this? He has to be. Shizuo pauses and pinches his arm... It definitely hurts.

While he is busy being preoccupied trying to decipher the situation and whether he really believes it or not, Rin glances down at the empty basket in his hand. "Ah, were you trying to decide what flavor you want? I guess I shouldn't be surprised you're still eating ramen."

"You too," Shizuo responds automatically, as though he does not know what else to say. This entire conversation seems to mimic one he has already heard before. But why does it seem like the last time was only a dream? This feels more real, certainly, and he would much prefer this Rin over the icy, traumatized one he had seen before.

"Hm, yeah. I enjoy having ramen sometimes but I can cook a little better now than I used to. Simple things, though, nothing complicated. I took some cooking classes, you know." That smile of hers, now a little less goofy and a little more vibrant, sets his heart at ease.

Shizuo feels as though he is in some kind of alternate reality. As happy as he is to see Rin happy, it seems as though it might end at any second – that is the part that he fears the most. His heart aches to accept this reality at face value and yet at the same time he cannot bring himself to do so. He fears that the moment he does, it will shatter and he will realize it was nothing more than a dream.

"You graduated, right?"

The question startles him since he is so deep in thought. "Ah? Yeah... I did."

Rin finally stands up, basket in hand. "That's good to hear. It's been a long time, hasn't it? Seven whole years. Feels like an eternity." The happiness gradually starts to fade away from her expression. Now she seems more rueful than before and it sends Shizuo into a panic – worrying that she will again become the depressed person he remembers.

"It hasn't been that long," he blurts out awkwardly. "You're not even thirty." That line... He is pretty sure he said it before.

"Yeah. You're right, Shizuo."

It is only at that moment that he realizes she is actually acting familiar with him, contrary to the past. For a moment he doubts – in this alternate reality, is she still getting married? He wants to ask but he fears the answer that will greet him. So as he sits there silently debating, she starts to leave. Shizuo wants to call after her but he cannot even begin to think of what words he should say.

"Are you coming?"

Somehow this encounter is unfolding so very differently from the last time. He wonders if this is just an elaborate work of his imagination. Or perhaps, if that dream was reality and the reality he knew was actually just a dream – no, that is even more confusing.

Since he is preoccupied trying to sort things out, Rin approaches him and reaches out toward him. Her warm fingertips gently brush against his forearm, startling him out of his reverie. "Sorry," she apologizes enthusiastically with a grin. "You seem to have a lot on your mind. Is something the matter?"

"No," Shizuo answers her automatically, almost gruffly.

The brown-haired woman, in turn, is not the slightest put off by it. She still seems quite upbeat. "You still don't have any ramen in your basket. Trying to pick a flavor? I would think that you would like the cheese. Since you like dairy so well, that is."

He nods stiffly. That is what she told him last time, too.

Since he does not move to do so himself, Rin reaches out and grabs a few packets for him and sets them in his basket. "Do you have anything else you need to get? I'm ready to checkout. I can wait for you if you need something, though." The way she says it indicates that she actually has an active interest in catching up with him.

"Yeah... I'm done."

While walking behind her up to the front counter, he notices that she is just as curvy as she was before – voluptuous in a sense that he considers positive. Yet he recalls her self-consciousness about her weight and her affinity for trying (and failing) to diet. Her weight has not fluctuated much at all, however, and it seems as though she has given up any efforts to change that. He wonders – hopes – that she is content with herself now.

At the registers, Rin checks out first and waits on Shizuo once it is his turn. In every respect, this encounter mirrors the one he knows he had before. For that reason, there is something nagging at the back of his mind, like a reminder. It leaves him with a feeling of foreboding that he does not entirely understand.

Together they make their way out of the sliding glass doors, a bell chiming behind them as they exit. Only silence exists between them at this point and he is not really sure what he can say to strike up conversation.

He does not have to, however, because Rin blurts something out first. "You still look as handsome as you did when you were younger. Are you married now? Or do you have a girlfriend?" There is a hesitancy as she asks, eyeing him from the side with mounting curiosity.

The question strikes him a little off balance. "Married? Girlfriend?" he thoughtfully echoes these words. Last time, he remembers he lied and said he did. This time, however, is different. So he answers her honestly. "No, I don't."

The sacks she is carrying in her hands rustle as they bump against her legs. Shizuo notices that they seem a bit heavy and so he pauses suddenly, causing Rin to stop, too. "Huh? What's the matter?" Sheepishly, he reaches out and takes the bags out of her hands. "Thanks," she tells him with a smile, "They were actually getting a bit heavy."

Shizuo gives an awkward, acknowledging nod.

They resume walking together and it does not take long for Rin to speak up again. "Did you get the invitation?"

His heart stops immediately. _Wedding invitation?_ That is the first question to enter his mind. Of course, though. It has to be. What other kind of invitation would she be talking about? The realization sends him into an immediate depression as he shuffles along next to her. "No," Shizuo responds finally, feeling betrayed by his own imagination.

For her to be so happy at this point – why does she also have to be getting married again? Did his actions not change the future at all, beyond her happiness? Shizuo knows that should be enough. He knows he should be content if she is happy. Maybe he is just being greedy to think that it could be the two of them together.

"Hm, that's weird. Maybe they don't have your address? I know I didn't get invited to the reunion for obvious reasons – but you should have gotten one..." Rin sounds a bit mystified. Perhaps part of that is because Shizuo answers her so begrudgingly.

Yet at the word reunion, he perks up a little. "Reunion?" he echoes to her in confusion. "You aren't... getting married?" That last part struggles to come out and ends up sounding a little strangled. Although he wants to know, he does not want to ask – but too late, for the words have already been spoken. His heart drums noisily in anticipation as he swallows the lump forming at the back of his throat. Feeling nervous and awkward is not entirely foreign to him but it leaves him averting his eyes, only able to see Rin through a sidelong glance.

"Married?" she squeaks in surprise. There is a pause thereafter where she chuckles as though the very notion is absurd. "What would make you think that I'm getting married, Shizuo?"

While she dismisses it so readily in a roundabout way, Shizuo still does not feel entirely comforted. Things feel as though they are rolling along in a way that is far too good to be true. He cannot bring himself to accept that this is reality and not just a delusion conjured up to give him consolation.

Rin suddenly stops as they are walking and turns toward a car that is parked on the side of the street. As she approaches it, Shizuo notices from gazing over her shoulder that it is nothing short of a dilapidated clunker that probably barely manages to chug through the freeways without falling apart on her. As he is preoccupied inspecting the vehicle, she is rummaging through her pockets and purse as though she cannot find the keys.

"In the car," he murmurs from behind her, taking a few steps toward her and the idle vehicle. "The keys... are in the car."

"Ah?" she gasps back, planting her face against the passenger window to peer into the car. Sure enough, the key is still in the ignition. Rin fumbles with the door handle but it seems that the vehicle is already locked from the inside. "And my phone is even dead. I should have charged it last night." Frustrated at the situation, she seethes at the black screen of her cell phone, which appears to be a particularly old model – larger and clunkier than Shizuo has seen any modern person using recently.

There is a stirring in Shizuo's mind all of a sudden, a foreboding that catches him off-guard. He knows that he has gone through this exact situation before, which is why it all seems so familiar to him. But the course of everything has been slightly altered, making it more difficult for him to ascertain what this feeling is that leaves him uneasy. Like a sickness that nauseates him, twisting his stomach into knots, something that he only ever associates with–

"Hey, Shizuo, do you live very far? I don't mean to impose, but would you mind if I make a call? Going to need a locksmith for my car. Oh, but don't worry, I won't stay long. I have enough money for a cab afterwards." Rin trips over herself in the explanation, looking a little flushed about stumbling with her words.

The convenience store is not too far behind them, and by all means she could go there rather than asking him. Yet the situation plays out just as it did in the past, this he remembers. Knowing now that she's not married, however, his mind clouds with hopes and desires. It leaves him craving a cigarette to soothe his nerves.

Finally he sighs out, "Yeah. It's not far." The way he says it almost makes him sound completely reluctant to bring her along. While that is not the way he intends for it to come out, Shizuo is too preoccupied with his inner struggle to care how politely he comes across.

Rin does not seem to mind either way. She follows his lead as he starts down the street, back a little more slumped than normal. A momentary silence settles between them, occupied only by the tapping of their shoes against the pavement. Conversation could easily be made at this point but netiher one seems inclined to make an attempt at small talk.

Still, Shizuo can feel her eyes on him – raking over him as though she is scrutnizing him. Although he is not one to feel self-conscious, it leaves him awkwardly averting his gaze. "Mind if I smoke?" In the past she always hated smoking, so while it is a little out of character for him to be mindful of another person, he asks just because it is Rin.

"Go ahead."

He lifts the box from the pocket of his vest and hastily places the butt in between his lips before lighting up. The rush of nicotine, however, is not as calming as he would have expected. He almost chokes out the smoke as though the sensation is foreign to him. Strange, he thinks, since cigarettes have always been soothing for his nerves. Not this time, though.

"Are you a bartender now?"

Shizuo struggles to clear his throat before taking another puff. "No. Not anymore."

That answer, vague as it is, seems to pique her curiosity. "Well, you look good in the outfit. It suits you. What are you doing now instead, then? If you aren't a bartender anymore."

They have been through this conversation before, he is sure. Although the last time he answered her without being entirely honest. This time, however, things are different and he feels no inclination to be so secretive. So he doesn't sugarcoat it and says plainly, "Bodgyguard for a debt collector."

While he anticipates any number of reactions, Rin laughing is not one of them. "Really? Somehow that seems to suit you, Shizuo."

If he didn't know any better, he would think that she was being sarcastic. But there is a genuine smile on her face to supplement her words. It leaves him unsure of how to respond. For lack of anything creative to say, he just turns the question back around on her. "You?"

"Right now I am working part-time at a flower shop, going back to the university to try and refine my skill in art. I am painting again – with my other hand. It's slow learning but I think I am starting to get back to the level I used to be at."

This answer seems radically different from what he had expected. But hearing her say that jolts his memory a bit, as they begin to round the corner. His apartment is not much further, the stairs leading up to the second story already in sight. At this point he finds his eyes roving the shadows, impatiently trying to locate any hint of a familiar silhouette. Yet, to his astonishment and relief, there is not even a faint outline of a person anywhere in sight.

"Something wrong?" Rin asks, noticing his preoccupation with inspecting their surroundings. "Are you expecting someone?"

He tempers his voice to remain monotone, despite how anxious he feels inside, and answers with a solemn, "No." The singular, one-word answer seems to satisfy Rin, who continues smiling blithely without any insight into the concerns on Shizuo's mind.

The initial panic he had felt moments before melts away as they mount the staircase, incident-free, and proceed up to the door of his apartment. Shizuo pauses just in front of the door to set down the plastic sacks, digging down into his pant pockets, fishing for the key to the front door.

"You didn't lose it, did you?" Rin wonders worriedly, considering how long it seems to take as he checks between different pockets.

It's strange, since Shizuo knows he always carries his key with him in one of these pockets – where did it go? For the life of him, he cannot seem to find it. His face blanches a little as he reluctantly tells Rin that he'll have to go ask the landlord to open the door. The situation is a little awkward but she just laughs it off, promising to wait for him. In his paranoia that Izaya might show up, Shizuo feels a little reluctant to leave Rin for even a moment. But with no other choice, he hurries downstairs to pester the landlord to open the door – which earns him a harsh rebuke. Even after they are inside his apartment, Rin continues in a fit of giggles, apparently finding the whole incident comical, much to Shizuo's chagrin.

"Hey, Shizuo, you haven't eaten dinner, right?" she asks him after hanging up on the phone, having already spoken to a locksmith.

"Ah, no. I haven't."

A large, toothy grin spreads across her face. "You don't mind if I borrow your kitchen, do you?"

The fact that she asks leaves him a little befuddled, although he understands that she seems to want to cook something. Shizuo hesitates – he wants her to stay, so of course he has to say yes. But if he does, it will lead to more expectations.

Rin seems to take his reluctance to answer as disapproval of her cooking, leaving her feeling a little indignant. "Oh, come on, I wasn't that bad in the past, was I? I told you that I improved. Just give me a chance, Shizuo. I won't blow up your kitchen, I promise."

"Yeah." He nods his head awkwardly.

The agreement sends Rin gleefully heading to the kitchen with grocery sacks in hand. It turns out to be a bit noisy as she shuffles through the cupboards and mutters to herself about how much Shizuo is lacking in the form of cooking utensils. In the meantime, he hangs back and watches her from afar. The distance leaves him aching but he cannot bring himself to draw any closer.

"It won't take long!" she tells him.

Shizuo's gaze bores into her back as she hums to herself, standing in front of his stove. He is not even sure what she is making – not even sure he cares. But he watches as she stirs rhythmatically, to the tune of whatever song is stuck in her head. It comes out as a muted melody that is probably slightly off-key but it sounds like music to Shizuo's ears regardless.

Finally his feet start moving on their own. One step forward, two. Three. Until he finds himself standing just behind her. His presence, or perhaps the shadow of his figure, seems to alarm Rin as she jolts when she peers back over her shoulder. Shizuo takes the opportunity to wrap his arms around her, pulling the brown-haired woman into a gentle embrace. To his relief, she does not struggle against him and instead sinks into his chest.

"Shizuo?" her voice asks hesitantly.

In that moment he remembers the wedding, watching her walk down the aisle with another man. It is an image so deeply seared into his mind that he does not think he will ever be able to forget it. Like a nightmare, it haunts him endlessly and reminds him of what could have been. No more, though, because if this is reality – it is a reality where Rin is not getting married to a stranger that he does not know.

Suddenly Rin starts drawing back, trying to extract herself from his hold. Initially, Shizuo panics and strengthens his grip. "Is something wrong?"

He swallows hard. That is a loaded question, although Rin probably does not realize it. There are words lingering at the back of Shizuo's throat, clawing to be let out. Words that he has always wanted to say but never really had the opportunity to express sincerely. Never has he been able to convey them in a way that she could believe. Even now, he has no confidence that he can do so. But still – they must be spoken.

"Rin."

As he finally releases her and takes a small step back, she peers up at him with those curious green eyes of hers. There is no smile on her face as she gazes at him worriedly. "What is it?"

"I..." The words choke him, but Shizuo won't let his own fear of rejection hold them back. "I love you."

She blinks rapidly in surprise, as though struggling to understand what has just come out of his mouth. But when the realization of what he has just said hits her, Rin's smiles at him gently – just as she always has. "I thought you were acting strange there for a moment."

That hardens his resolve a little more, since Shizuo fears that she is not taking him seriously. "Rin, I love you." Even as he says it, he acknowledges in his head that the likelihood of her reciprocating those feelings may be infintesmal.

The expression on Rin's face goes blank as she stares back at him. There is a hint of melancholy in her eyes as she seems to inwardly debate his words, as though she does not know whether or not she can trust them. Whatever thoughts race through her mind remains unclear to Shizuo, especially since she turns her back on him. "The food won't take much longer," the young woman murmurs quietly in an indiscernible tone.

Shizuo is left unsure how to interpret her lack of an answer. Maybe it is all false hope on his part, that everything that has happened up until this point has disillusioned him into believing that things have changed.

"Don't you remember?" she asks suddenly.

The question jolts him out of his thoughts. "Ah?"

"Seven years is a long time to wait for you." Even as she talks, Rin does not chance a glance back at him. All Shizuo can see is her diligently stirring the contents of the pot in front of her. He can see how tense she is by the way her shoulders hunch up.

At first her words do not register in his mind. _Seven years... waiting...?_ Then his eyes widen in the realization that this relates to what he thought was a dream all along. "You waited for me?" Shizuo questions in disbelief.

Finally he gets a glimpse of her face and she is smiling again. "Of course I waited for you. Are you saying that you gave up on me since then and found someone else?"

"Ah, no," he stumbles out awkwardly, caught off guard by the teasing accusation.

Maybe Rin is the one this time that is not sure if he gets it. She suddenly reaches her hands toward him. Shizuo goes rigid under the touch of her warm fingertips, gliding across the length of his cheeks. Then her face closes in toward him and freezes completely, shocked at the feeling of her lips against his.

He's dreaming, right? He has to be dreaming.

"I love you, Shizuo."

Definitely has to be dreaming.

Suddenly he feels something pinch the skin of his cheek, and there is no mistaking that it _hurts_. "You're not dreaming," Rin tells him, "So stop looking so out of it."

Shizuo blinks a few times before realizing that it is Rin who has the skin of his face pinched firmly between her forefinger and thumb. He gently reaches up and grabs her wrist, pulling her hand away from his reddened cheek.

"Do you still feel like you're dreaming?"

He wonders how she can read him so thoroughly. "Yeah..."

"I can pinch your cheek again if you want me to." This offer is supplied by a mischievous grin.

So this time, Shizuo reaches out and pinches her cheek instead. "No thanks."

Rin grins back at him and swats his hand away. "The food will end up burning while you're messing around. Since you know your kitchen better, can you get some bowls out? I'll finish up our dinner."

When she turns around again to attend to the food, Shizuo feels a little lonely. Staring at her back leads him back to those feelings of isolation that he cannot seem to escape. No amount of reassurance seems as though it will be enough to convince him that this is reality. Even though his heart is floating on a high, he is skeptical that it can last.

"This really is not a dream?" he asks, as though to confirm, as though he does not already know the answer that Rin will give him in return.

"Why do you think it's a dream?"

"I had another dream," he confides, although he was quite sure it was reality. "You... married someone else."

"I would have."

That statement alarms him and jolts him back to reality. What does she mean? Before his mind can start racing with the possibilities, she offers an explanation.

"While I was waiting for you, I met a really nice man that was supportive. He was interested in a relationship, but... I think the feelings I had for you were still too strong. I couldn't move on if I wanted to. If you hadn't chased after me that time when I resigned – I think I would probably be married to that man."

The way she says that, as though there is a hint of disappointment in her voice, leaves Shizuo disadvantaged. He cannot find any words. Is it his fault for changing the past, that she thinks she would be happier if she had married that man after all?

Like a mind reader, Rin seems to guess everything that Shizuo is thinking. "I might have married him, but I don't think I would be happy like I am now. There is nothing that I regretted more than those words I spoke to you, Shizuo. So I think I would still be sulking over them if things hadn't worked out the way they have."

It is at that point that Shizuo finally feels a little relief.

"Anyways, the food is done. Let's eat."

The bright smile that Rin wears on her face now is such a drastic change to the past. Shizuo is not sure if everything has changed as a result of his decision to chase after her instead of letting her go and believing her words at face value... Either way, he feels as though they have finally earned the future that they both wanted. It is not a wedding or a happily ever after, but the promise of tomorrow that the two of them can spend together. Where it goes after that, he is not sure – but he hopes that those days can last forever.

"Yeah," he answers her belatedly, retrieving the bowls that Rin had originally asked him to get.

The two end up at opposite ends of his small, rickety dinner table, a piping hot bowl in front of either of them. And as Shizuo reaches for his spoon, he catches Rin's expression out of the corner of his eyes. There is a sheepish grin on her face

"You have to try it first and tell me that I haven't improved with a straight face. Go on, I want to hear what you think honestly."

Shizuo dips his spoon into the liquid, raises it to his lips, and takes a sip. His initial reaction is to cringe but he forces a small smile nevertheless. It manages to fool Rin, but Shizuo realizes that some things never change – particularly Rin's cooking. Even so, he will take eating bitter soup for dinner every evening if it means that he can be with her. This is their future – a future that he would not trade for anything.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Struggled with whether or not I was pleased with this ending and whether or not it gave closure, but I finally decided that it satisfied me enough to post it. I never expected this story to be perfect. I hoped that it would help me grow as a writer, that I would enjoy writing it and that there would be some who would enjoy reading it as much as I did creating it. That, in my mind, has been fulfilled. So I hope you enjoyed the series - this will be the first long one I have managed to complete since coming back to writing. Huge shout out to Sepsis for the longterm support throughout working on this story - I don't know if I could have continued without it, since sometimes the discouragement of writing Painting Smiles combined with writers block was enough to make me want to quit. (That discouragement came from writing something that I knew would probably not appeal to most people's interest.)

Anyways, thanks again guys. :) I had a blast writing this and will continue to finish my other stories and (hopefully) write more Durarara fanfictions in the future.


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